He's an evangelical. He's not a snake handler (this time he was in the room when they made it up)

"President Bush said the Iranians are sending weapons into Iraq. He's sure it's reliable intelligence, 'cause this time he was in the room when they made it up." --Bill Maher

Jerry Falwell, Jr. is in trouble. Apparently his wife was having an affair with the pool boy and allegedly Falwell would watch them having sex from the corner of the room. He says he did not have sex himself with the pool boy. He's an evangelical. He's not a snake handler. —Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the meal AND the toy (he must taste delicious)

A 20-year-old man from Colorado recently survived a shark bite in Hawaii. Less than a year before that, he was attacked by a 300-pound black bear. And a few years before that, he was bitten by a rattlesnake while hiking. Based on these incidents, we do know a lot about this man. For example, he must taste delicious.  --James Corden

A North Carolina meat supplier has recalled 35,000 pounds of ground beef after customers complained that it contained pieces of hard, blue plastic. So now if you get a McDonald's happy meal, your burger is both the meal AND the toy. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the voice of reason is a stroke victim who dresses like he steals from a laundromat (You can do this already with a Zip code)

Rosie O’Donnell has left the United States and moved to Ireland. Poor Ireland, suddenly that whole Potato Famine doesn't seem so bad. Soon the Irish will be praying to St Patrick to get rid of her and bring back snakes. —Greg Gutfeld

The Democrat party’s in free fall. From the lowest level man-child to the highest level politician. There's no reason, no optimism, just insanity piled on insanity. And it’s ready to topple like a human pyramid with Joy Behar on top. —Greg Gutfeld

This might be the future of the Democratic party but it doesn't have to be. There's Senator Fetterman, once a progressive darling who is now reviled by them for approaching normalcy. You know your party’s in trouble when the voice of reason is a stroke victim who dresses like he steals from a laundromat. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In the customer's defense he did order the number one (The Gulf of no one has been arrested yet)

Maxine Waters said that President Trump is working towards a Civil War and she may have a point. It's clear her wig is already trying to secede from her head. —Greg Gutfeld

On Thursday John Fetterman asked Democrats not to shut down the government. He also asked his parents if he could have macaroni and cheese for supper tonight. —Greg Gutfeld

A restaurant in China promised a refund to all of its customers after patron urinated openly in the dining area. In the customer's defense he did order the number one. —Greg Gutfeld

According to a new study the intestines of a Burmese python can physically rebuild itself after each meal. Join the club said J.B. Pritzker. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

For a while, I was their prime suspect (a spray-tanned germaphobe who goes to the bathroom on a gold toilet)

A man in Portland stole a 2-foot python from a pet store by putting it in his pants. For a while, I was their prime suspect. –Conan O’Brien

So Donald Trump endorsed L.L. Bean on Twitter — because if anybody represents the rugged great outdoors, it’s a spray-tanned germaphobe who goes to the bathroom on a gold toilet. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you're swimming in New Jersey rivers, you're probably not big on warnings (So there's enough for two people)

A Maryland couple is suing their realtor because they say the agent knew the home was infested with snakes, but sold it to them anyway. In fairness, what the realtor said was that the place definitely didn't have any mice. —Seth Meyers

Authorities are warning people to avoid swimming in some New Jersey rivers because of increased numbers of so-called clinging jellyfish. Though if you're swimming in New Jersey rivers, you're probably not big on warnings. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which explains why this morning's 9 a.m. Mass was held at 2 p.m (he must taste delicious)

You know how sometimes when priests go to the Vatican they bring gifts for the Pope from their home region? Recently, a priest from Kentucky decided to give Pope Francis 10 bottles of whiskey — 10 bottles of whiskey, because nine's just not enough. Apparently, the Pope loves the Father, the Son, and ALL of the holy spirits. He got 10 bottles of whiskey, which explains why this morning's 9 a.m. Mass was held at 2 p.m. --James Corden

A 20-year-old man from Colorado recently survived a shark bite in Hawaii. Less than a year before that, he was attacked by a 300-pound black bear. And a few years before that, he was bitten by a rattlesnake while hiking. Based on these incidents, we do know a lot about this man. For example, he must taste delicious.  --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

For a while, I was their prime suspect (a full bar)

A man in Portland stole a 2-foot python from a pet store by putting it in his pants. For a while, I was their prime suspect. –Conan O’Brien

“Meanwhile, one senator claims that during the impeachment trial they’re only allowed to drink water and milk on the Senate floor. Yeah, or as Mitt Romney calls that, a full bar.” —Conan O’Brien

It is reported that rapper Snoop Dogg is filing for divorce. Apparently the divorce settlement is fair. Snoop’s wife gets the car and the house and Snoop gets custody of everything that ends in “izl.” --Conan O’Brien 5/25/2004

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

For a while, I was their prime suspect (We've got to come up with a better story)

"President Bush had an awkward moment today. Did you hear about this? While President Bush was greeting crowds in Germany today, he grabbed a baby from its mother and the baby burst into tears. President Bush says he doesn't care how much the baby cries, he's keeping the blankey." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush's Iraq trip was so top secret that before he left, he lied to his Cabinet members -- told them he was going to bed early so he could read. When the Secret Service heard this, they said, 'We've got to come up with a better story.'" --Conan O'Brien

A man in Portland stole a 2-foot python from a pet store by putting it in his pants. For a while, I was their prime suspect. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sloppy bottoms at Bohemian Grove (and . . . nobody’s calling HIM a genius)

Hillary Clinton is out promoting her new book, and in an interview this week, she said that if she’d won the election, she would’ve been seen as a “genius.” I don’t know about that, cuz Trump DID win the election, and . . . nobody’s calling HIM a genius. –Jimmy Fallon

A video was just posted of a giant python in the New York City subway wrapped around a handrail. Passengers were like, “Eww! He’s TOUCHING the handrail!” –Jimmy Fallon

Kanye West said that Kim Kardashian is actually enrolled in law school. When he found out, President Trump said, "I want to change my Supreme Court nominee. Can we do that now? Is it too late?" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In fairness, what the realtor said was that the place definitely didn't have any mice (American exceptionalism)

A couple recently got married on a roller coaster at a Massachusetts amusement park while their wedding guests were on the ride with them. And this is cool — the reception was open barf. –Seth Meyers

A Maryland couple is suing their realtor because they say the agent knew the home was infested with snakes, but sold it to them anyway. In fairness, what the realtor said was that the place definitely didn't have any mice. —Seth Meyers

A new article has been published ranking New York City’s best public restrooms. So congratulations yet again to ... the subway! –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Officials in Colorado couldn't respond because they were too busy swimming in a pool of money (Bush spent the next 20 minutes trying to kill a fly)

A couple in New York found a python inside a couch while they were cleaning out their new apartment. But on the bright side, at least now they can stop looking for their cat.--Jimmy Fallon

"In his speech yesterday, former President George W. Bush attacked President Obama's policies on anti-terrorism, healthcare, and the economy. Then Bush spent the next 20 minutes trying to kill a fly." --Jimmy Fallon

"Last night Hillary Clinton said she won't support legalizing recreational marijuana until we see how it goes in Colorado. Officials in Colorado couldn't respond because they were too busy swimming in a pool of money." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's only winning states with a huge African-American population -- like Maine (You're bored?)

This week, Wisconsin is hosting the U.S. Cheese Championship. Once again, the winner is expected to be “Heart Disease.” –Conan O’Brien

"Since losing the election, Mitt Romney is reportedly bored. After hearing this, Ann Romney said, 'You're bored? I'm sitting around all day with Mitt Romney.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Senator Hillary Clinton has now lost eight primaries in a row to Barack Obama. Hillary dismissed Obama's success by saying, 'He's only winning states with a huge African-American population -- like Maine.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, how much effort does it take to just leave the back door open and say, "You're free!" (he must taste delicious)

Apparently, the library at the University of Utah has installed what they're calling a "Cry Closet." This is exactly what it sounds like. I promise this is true. It's a closet where stressed-out students can go to cry. Because there's nothing more comforting than being trapped in a tiny dark box. It's going to be a shock when those students graduate. Take it from me, there are no "Cry Closets" out here in the real world. You will have to use your car in the McDonald's parking lot like the rest of us. --James Corden

President Trump says he's too busy to give a birthday present to his wife. I mean, how much effort does it take to just leave the back door open and say, "You're free, Melania. I let you go.” --James Corden

A 20-year-old man from Colorado recently survived a shark bite in Hawaii. Less than a year before that, he was attacked by a 300-pound black bear. And a few years before that, he was bitten by a rattlesnake while hiking. Based on these incidents, we do know a lot about this man. For example, he must taste delicious.  --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You're not allowed back at the zoo (Hey, that's our slogan/chopped nuts)

Finally, a bakery in Tennessee has started selling cakes to celebrate successful vasectomy operations. And this is insensitive -- it has chopped nuts. --Seth Meyers

 After being bitten by a shark last week, a Colorado man achieved a rare distinction of being attacked by a shark, bear, and rattlesnake all within the last four years. Or as it was reported to the man, you're not allowed back at the zoo. --Seth Meyers

A man in Massachusetts is converting his funeral home into an ice cream parlor with the slogan, "A taste to die for." "Hey, that's our slogan," said Chipotle. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

But don’t worry, things got a lot better here after she left (Truth is the first casualty)

April 2023

“Marjorie Taylor Greene calling New York ‘repulsive’ and ‘disgusting’ on Fox News. But don’t worry, things got a lot better here after she left.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Starbucks, has introduced a new line of olive-oil-infused coffee that has led some customers to complain of stomach issues. But don’t worry, I hear Dunkin’s new Crisco Coolatta is great. Of course, Starbucks is already taking advantage – they’re now selling a Peptoccino.” —Jimmy Fallon

“And due to a pilot shortage, some people are calling on Congress to raise the retirement age from 65 to 67. It’s not good when you’re pilot’s like, ‘We’re flying through a huge cloud – oh wait, that’s my cataracts.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“You’ll know when your pilot’s older when they say, ‘We’ll be landing in three minutes. I want to make sure I’m home before Jeopardy.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“In a related story, a pilot was able to safely land his plane after a deadly cobra slithered up his shirt. Yep, he landed the plane while his co-pilot did something even more heroic: filmed it for TikTok.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Jimmy Dore with Mike MacRae: Brad Pitt Is A “Sociopath” Says George Clooney

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

She hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver (Snakes)

"Sen. John McCain told Sean Hannity that choosing Sarah Palin was still the best decision he ever made. Well, today the Arizona DMV took away his driver's license." –Jay Leno

"A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich has released a new ad attacking Mitt Romney because he knows how to speak French. Well Mitt Romney is not the only one. Jon Huntsman speaks Chinese and Rick Perry speaks gibberish." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, is now talking up his Mexican heritage. Not to be outdone today, Newt Gingrich said he once cheated on one of his wives with a woman named Juanita." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

For a while, I was their prime suspect (Gluten-Free Biscotti Monster)

A man in Portland stole a 2-foot python from a pet store by putting it in his pants. For a while, I was their prime suspect. –Conan O’Brien

A Chinese investment firm has bought the company behind the Batman movies. Which explains why in the next Batman movie, a young Bruce Wayne sees his parents killed, then goes back to making iPhones at the factory. –Conan O’Brien

The set of "Sesame Street" just got a major upgrade, and now Elmo lives in a brownstone apartment. And in another upscale move, Cookie Monster has been replaced by the Gluten-Free Biscotti Monster. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Scientists found they have evidence that human beings had sex with Neanderthals (snake charmers)

"Scientists found they have evidence that human beings had sex with Neanderthals. Apparently the evidence is any episode of the 'Real Housewives of New Jersey.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Kenny G caused a controversy. I never get to say that. He tweeted his support of the Hong Kong protesters. Now China's communist government is mad at him. China has threatened to pull Kenny G's music out of all of their elevators." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, former President George W. Bush made his debut as a motivational speaker. Afterwards, Bush said, 'The crowd was so motivated, many of them left halfway through.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Former President George W. Bush is busy. That's right. He's going to India tomorrow to give a speech. Yep. The speech will be entitled, 'Hey, which of you snake charmers is going to fix my computer?'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”