Oh, please, we haven't used that old thing in years (Texas Hold 'Em)

"I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don’t think I'm doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold 'Em." –Jay Leno

"The White House now says the Obamacare website will be fixed by the end of November. So if your doctor has only given you three weeks to live, sorry pal." –Jay Leno

"More bad news from President Bush. Remember those rebate checks from a few months ago? He wants them back. We need to give that money to rich people on Wall Street. They need it more than you do." --Jay Leno

And yesterday, Senator Chris Dodd said that the bailout plan would put the Constitution at risk, to which Bush said, 'Oh, please, we haven't used that old thing in years.'" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How about giving your employees a raise, you deluded nitwit? (Who left the bag of idiots open?)

April 2014

"Obamacare hit its numbers. Despite all the initial problems, Healthcare.gov surpassed the enrollment goal, over 7 million. Now the Republicans are saying that they're going to repeal the Internet." –Bill Maher

"Billionaire Sheldon Adelson had a little party in Vegas this weekend to audition Republican presidential candidates, and they all came to kiss his ass: Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, John Kasich. Chris Christie came, and while he was in Vegas he went over to the New York, New York hotel and shut down traffic on the miniature Brooklyn Bridge." –Bill Maher

"Game of Thrones returns this weekend on HBO. I'm sure you know it as a magical fantasy where you're never quite sure who's going to live or die. Or maybe I'm thinking of Paul Ryan's budget." –Bill Maher

"50 years ago, America's biggest employer was General Motors, where workers made the modern equivalent of $50 dollars an hour. Today, America's biggest employer is Walmart, where the average wage is $8 dollars an hour. And Walmart released their annual report this month, and in it was the fact that most of what Walmart sells is food. And most of their customers need food stamps to pay for it. Meanwhile, Walmart's owners are so absurdly rich that one of them, Alice Walton, spent over a billion dollars building an art museum in Bentonville, Arkansas, 500 miles away from the nearest person who ever would want to look at art. And she said about it, 'For years I've been thinking about what we can do as a family that can really make a difference.' How about giving your employees a raise, you deluded nitwit?" –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He wanted to get that pack of smokes he forgot in the Lincoln bedroom (You're on the Commie List now)

April 2022

“Former President Barack Obama made his first return to the White House in five years on Tuesday. Then, hopefully, they locked the doors to keep him in. He was there to promote Obamacare and to get that pack of smokes he forgot in the Lincoln bedroom.” —Stephen Colbert

“Obama was ostensibly visiting to celebrate Biden’s signing of an executive order to expand coverage under the Affordable Care Act, but there’s speculation that the visit was intended as a boost for Democrats as Biden’s approval ratings slide. OK, I understand that theory, but isn’t that like trying to get the spark going with your wife by inviting her sexy old boyfriend that broke up with her at her anniversary dinner?” —Stephen Colbert

“Former President Barack Obama today visited the White House, and out of habit, Jeanine Pirro called for his impeachment.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He sent me a photo of his p*nis looking sad (and all the ingredients for meth)

February 2014

"In their hotel at the Sochi Olympics, the Canadian hockey team has to squeeze three players to a room. Even the bobsledders are like, 'Isn't it a little cramped?' When you scare off all the gay people, interior design goes to hell." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"CVS is no longer selling cigarettes. They say, 'It's the right thing to do for our customers and our company in their path for better health.' I go to CVS all the time. If they want to promote better health, maybe they should stop selling Cheese Whiz, Circus Peanuts, Little Debbie jelly rolls and all the ingredients for meth." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't like goodbyes. NBC does. Well, tonight is our last show for real. See, I don't need to get fired three times. I get the hint." –Jay Leno

"I got to tell you, the outpouring from people. It's really been touching. Today Anthony Weiner sent me a photo of his penis looking sad." –Jay Leno

"And the worst thing about losing this job, I'm no longer covered by NBC. I have to sign up for Obamacare." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry  

 

You know, they liked me a lot, too, that first year (Zombie Therapy)

January 2014

"It was announced that President Obama is going to visit Pope Francis. Obama said he can't wait to tell the Pope, 'You know, they liked me a lot, too, that first year.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama will visit Pope Francis. The president said, 'I'm looking forward to meeting the one old white guy who's not bashing Obamacare.'" Conan O'Brien

"The rollout of the Affordable Care Act continues to be terrible. Now comes news that not enough young, healthy Americans are signing up. Did they expect young people to buy insurance the same time that Play Station 4 comes out?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie continues to push his agenda. Today he proposed a longer school day for children in his state. In fairness, kids in New Jersey probably need a longer day since their buses spend three hours stuck on a bridge." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new report found that more than half of the people who have signed up for Obamacare are older than 45. Which is no big deal until you find out they were 25 when they first tried to log onto the website." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even more amazing, George W. Bush forgot it twice (30th in math, 85th in reading)

December 2013

"Obamacare is still struggling to get off the ground. Experts now say the success or failure of Obamacare will depend on whether young people sign up. Which is why as of today it covers medical marijuana." –Conan O'Brien

"This is a crazy story. For two decades, the secret launch code for America's nuclear missiles was 0000000000. Even more amazing, George W. Bush forgot it twice." –Conan O'Brien

"Pope Francis revealed that he used to work as a nightclub bouncer. In the same interview he announced that on Tuesday night ladies get into heaven for free." ––Conan O'Brien

"Amazon is testing the delivery of packages by drone. So today U.S. Forces began bombarding Afghanistan with 'The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.'" –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new report, America's teenagers are 30th in the world in math. Luckily, America's teenagers will never understand the report because they're 85th in reading." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's all part of Amazon's pledge to drive your dog insane (They ship out next week)

December 2013

"Amazon announced plans for an amazing service called Amazon Prime Air. When you order something from Amazon that weighs five pounds or less, a robot will drop your package on your doorstep. It's all part of Amazon's pledge to drive your dog insane." –Jimmy Kimmel

"You know in some countries seeing an unmanned drone means your village is about to be destroyed. In America it means you ordered Mad Men on Blu-ray." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Only about 50,000 people can use the Obamacare website at a time. Why can only 50,000 people use a government website without crashing it, but 4 million people can watch a kitten try to get its head out of a bag, no problem?" –Jimmy Kimmel 

"Some people got through the Obamacare process only to discover they had inadvertently joined the Navy. They ship out next week." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry   

 

Let me help you with your co-pay (Kids hate this movie)

December 2013

"One of the biggest movies to come out this weekend was the Disney movie, 'Frozen,' which is an animated film about the Obamacare website. Kids hate this movie. An hour and a half of characters trying to fix the website." –Conan O'Brien

"In Nevada, where prostitution is legal – true story – prostitutes are signing up for Obamacare. Which explains why the most popular pick-up line in Nevada is, 'Let me help you with your co-pay.'" –Conan O'Brien

"This week, fast-food workers in 100 American cities are going on strike, a true story. The workers behind the counter want higher wages and better conditions. The drive-thru workers? No one can understand what they want. What? What did you say?" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Then the president got on his horse and rode off to spread the news to the next town (America in two headlines)

November 2013

"There's a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There's also a gravy shortage. It's up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline." –David Letterman

"According to insiders, the White House hired a consulting firm that told them the Obamacare website wasn't ready. But the White House went ahead. The White House made this mistake because they don't know how to open their email." –David Letterman

"Today's the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address and it's also Larry King's birthday — two events that happened 150 years ago. Actually, Larry is older. He reported at that event. He said, 'Didn't talk as long as we thought but what are you going to do? And why the four score?'" –Conan O'Brien 

"President Obama is being criticized for not attending today's ceremony commemorating the Gettysburg Address. In fairness, though, Lincoln did not attend Obama's 'Sorry about this crappy website' speech." –Conan O'Brien

"Obama is wrestling with the healthcare rollout debacle. He urged Americans not to be put off by the Obamacare website and offered alternative ways to enroll, such as using the mail. Then the president got on his horse and rode off to spread the news to the next town." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry  

 

Hey, keep me out of this. You're on your own on this one (Tried/NOT Tried)

November 2013

"Thanksgiving is right around the corner. As you know, the traditional Thanksgiving began in 1621 when Native Americans sat down with a bunch of undocumented pilgrims. They had dinner and the pilgrims never left." –Jay Leno

"Former President George W. Bush is on the show tonight. We're very excited about that. As you know, his nickname is 43 because he was the 43rd president. President Obama is nicknamed 44 because that's how many people have signed up for Obamacare." –Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden said today, 'Obamacare will eventually be a success, God willing.' Today God said, 'Hey, keep me out of this. You're on your own on this one.'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry  

 

He kept thanking people and the band played him off (because no one has a sense of humor any more)

November 2013

"Ever since he admitted to smoking crack in office, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has been under siege. The city council has been stripping the mayor of his powers because no one has a sense of humor any more." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today they took Rob Ford's office budget and his staff away. He has been removed from his position on committees and lost his power to fill vacancies. The only power he has left is to represent the city at official functions. That's actually the one I would be worried about." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Every time he's in public, Rob Ford does something great. He's my favorite new reality show. If he lived in America, we would be renewing him for a second season. " –Jimmy Kimmel

"How about that Obamacare? They bungled it. They rolled it out and it wasn't ready. The only good news out of Obamacare is that it's nice to know somebody knows less about computers than I do." –David Letterman 

"Tomorrow will be the 150th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. It's one of the better-known speeches of all mankind but at 272 words it was pretty short. It was supposed to be longer but what happened was Lincoln kept thanking people and the band played him off." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It turned out to be one man who accidentally signed up 106,000 times (More skeletons?)

November 2013

"Your chances of winning the big lottery are 250 million to 1. It's the same as your chance of getting on the Obamacare website. It's virtually impossible." –David Letterman

"So far, only 106,000 people have signed up for Obamacare. Even more disappointing is that it turned out to be one man who accidentally signed up 106,000 times." –David Letterman

"It's another bad week for Rob Ford, the troubled mayor of Toronto. This week he said there may be more skeletons in his closet. More skeletons? I hope they're just old chicken wings he threw in there." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

We told everybody we were good at football, but we actually really stink at football (he's willing to take a crack at it)

November 2013

"According to a report released yesterday, over a million people in California are losing their health insurance due to Obamacare. I can't believe that. There's not a million people in California who have CAR insurance." –Jay Leno

"President Obama apologized for this whole healthcare debacle. He said today, 'We fumbled.' Well, a fumble is a turnover. That can happen to anyone. This is more like, 'We told everybody we were good at football, but we actually really stink at football.'" –Jay Leno 

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admitted he smoked crack while he was in office, but he's refusing to step down. Despite all this, he's announced that he'll be hosting a TV show with his brother in Canada. It raises a lot of questions, starting with, 'How can I get Canadian TV?'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"Rob Ford says he doesn't really know if he'll be a good TV host, but he's willing to take a crack at it." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wilt Chamberlain had sex with more people than that (You're doing a heck of a job, brownie)

November 2013

"This week we found out how many people have signed up for Obamacare on the federal website. Out of 15 million uninsured, they signed up 26,794. To give you an idea, Wilt Chamberlain had sex with more people than that." –Bill Maher

"This was kind of tough week for liberals. First the 60 Minutes thing, they were bullsh*tting, and then Obama had to eat crow on Obamacare. I just want you liberals to know, you still have NPR, Whole Foods, and gay sex, so everything is not lost." –Bill Maher

"How f***ing hard is it to get a website to work? People keep trying to sign up; four hours later they're on the seventh level of Candy Crush." –Bill Maher on the Obamacare website

"That is the difference between Democrats and Republicans. When Republicans shut down the government, it's on purpose." –Bill Maher

"For most Americans, Obamacare is a lot of like sex. You do it online, it's incredibly frustrating and the idea of anyone getting it makes Republicans insane." –Bill Maher

"Michele Bachmann claims that she has lost her healthcare plan. She said, 'I have a husband with very significant health issues.' She said, 'At some point we're going to have to figure it out.' Girlfriend, there's a lot about your husband you're going to have to figure out. Healthcare is the last of your worries." –Bill Maher

"The New York Times is calling this Obama's Katrina. Which of course is great for George Bush. He loves this. He called up Obama today and said, 'You're doing a heck of a job, brownie.'" –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But when you do, let us know how you did it! (the silent treatment)

November 2013

"The Department of Homeland Security revealed that hackers have attempted more than a dozen cyber-attacks on the Obamacare website, but couldn't get in. Then Obama said, 'But when you do, let us know how you did it!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"House Speaker John Boehner said the Senate's immigration bill is so long that nobody has even read it. It's always good to hear the Senate is taking the same approach on legislation that I take with the iTunes user agreement." –Jimmy Fallon

"A growing number of women are joining the CIA. The CIA is now 46 percent women. Which explains that new method of torture: the silent treatment." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

If you ever want to be president, don't listen to us (It's just helping everyone)

November 2013

"Yesterday President Obama honored our oldest living veteran, a man who is 107 years old. Today President Obama told him he can finally come home from Afghanistan." –Jay Leno

"It seems that during his re-election campaign this year, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie paid $46,000 to get advice from former strategists for Mitt Romney. The advice he got: 'If you ever want to be president, don't listen to us.'" –Jay Leno

"Today a reporter asked Chris Christie, 'What do you think of 2016?' And Christie said, 'I think it's a good weight to get down to.'" –Jay Leno

"German veterinarians have a tortoise moving again after giving him a Lego wheel as a prosthetic limb. That Obamacare is amazing, isn't it? It's just helping everyone." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

Now there's a health plan we can all get behind (Four more years! Four more years!)

November 2013

"On Monday, President Obama paid tribute to America's oldest living veteran, 107-year-old Richard Overton. Overton credits his longevity to drinking whiskey and smoking 12 cigars every day. Now there's a health plan we can all get behind." –Jay Leno

"According to a new report, over a million Californians are losing their health insurance due to Obamacare. In fact, some are so angry they have already gone back to Mexico." –Jay Leno

"You know that smiling woman who was featured on the home page of Healthcare.gov? She asked for her picture to be removed after she was cyber-bullied. She's hiding where nobody can see her – at Healthcare.gov." –Jay Leno

"It seems like everyone's still pretty upset about this Obamacare website. The Department of Health and Human Services emailed 275,000 Americans, encouraging them to give the Obamacare website another try. Then they said 'But one at a time, so it doesn't crash again.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"It turns out that a lot of children could lose their dental insurance under Obamacare. So kids might not be able to go to the dentist. Parents were really upset, while kids said, 'Four more years! Four more years!'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because what better way to celebrate the pilgrims' arrival than buying crap from China (facial recognition technology)

November 2013

"Many scam artists are trying to take advantage of the problems with the Obamacare website. Experts say you can tell it's a scam site if you enter your information and it quickly and efficiently signs you up for healthcare." –Conan O'Brien

"Wal-Mart announced that this Thanksgiving they are opening earlier than they ever have. Because what better way to celebrate the pilgrims' arrival than buying crap from China." –Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. intelligence community is hoping to update their facial recognition technology. It's the government's way of trying to keep up with Bruce Jenner." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And then Whoopi said I was going to ask you the same question (you can keep your complete lack of coverage)

November 2013

"This is a crazy coincidence. On Friday, Joe Biden took an Amtrak train to Delaware and wound up sitting next to Whoopi Goldberg. Biden said what it's like making millions of Americans laugh every day? And then Whoopi said I was going to ask you the same question." –Jimmy Fallon

"Happy Veterans Day. President Obama today honored our oldest living veteran, who is 107 years old. So congratulations to Senator John McCain." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said he is sorry that some Americans have lost their existing health coverage due to Obamacare. I think he's getting a little desperate. Today he said if you like your complete lack of coverage, you can keep your complete lack of coverage." –Jay Leno

"A new record was set today in the 100 meters. It was set by Senate Democrats running away from Obamacare." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Walking Dead But Not Due to Preexisting Conditions (Closed due to it sucking)

November 2013

"The Obama administration asks Hollywood to work positive mentions of ObamaCare into its TV shows and movies. So AMCs new zombie drama is titled: The Walking Dead But Not Due to Preexisting Conditions." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama met the Stanley Cup champion Chicago Blackhawks. Obama was excited to tell the hockey players that ObamaCare includes dental." –Conan O'Brien

"The ObamaCare website won't be accessible at night due to maintenance. And it won't be accessible during the day due to 'it sucking.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”