they’re just gonna lay low for a while (laid down the boogie)

The Girl Scouts have announced that they will offer 23 new badges focused on science, technology, engineering and math. While the Boy Scouts have announced they’re just gonna lay low for a while. –Seth Meyers

According to a new report from BP, the earth will run out of oil in 53 years. Luckily, thanks to BP, the ocean will still have plenty.--Seth Meyers

"According to a new poll, two-thirds of people in Colorado think it should be illegal to smoke marijuana in public, while the other one-third are still laughing at the word 'poll.'" –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It is the one time of the year that everyone is thinking about their Gonzagas (more aggressive sales campaigns)

Starting next month, people in Queensland, Australia will be able to personalize their license plates using emojis. It just doesn’t sound quite as cool for a car chase though to be like, “Dispatch, we’re in pursuit of a suspect. License number: Winking Face, Winking Face, Crying Laugh, Sunglasses, Dancing Lady. I need backup, dammit!” --James Corden

The NCAA tournament continues, and according to a new study, the tournament leads to a 30% increase in vasectomies. Apparently men schedule the procedure so that they can recover while watching basketball. It is the one time of the year that everyone is thinking about their Gonzagas. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Thank God I'm not a taxpayer! (We need someone on the inside)

Donald Trump's daughter Ivanka said that her father loves eating at McDonald's. It makes sense, considering the “McFlurry” is also what Trump asks for when he goes to the barber. –Jimmy Fallon

Prince William and Kate recently made plans for their baby daughter, Princess Charlotte, to join the Girl Scouts when she turns five. That's how good Girl Scout cookies are. Even royalty is like, “We need someone on the inside.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new report finds that protecting Donald Trump and his family is costing New York City taxpayers over $1 million a day. Then Trump was like, “Thank God I'm not a taxpayer!” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs the Government Is Spying On You (April 2009)

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs the Government Is Spying On You

10. Your kitty has a satellite dish on his head.

9. At the restaurant waiter urges, "Speak directly into the dinner rolls."

8. Your car's GPS unit has an awful lot of questions.

7. "Girl Scout" delivering your thin mints is 6’4”, 270.

6. Keep finding underpants labeled "Agent Morales."

5. Mailman warns you, "This conversation may be recorded for quality control purposes."

4. NSA sends over sexy lingerie they'd like your wife to wear.

3. You sing in the shower, a mysterious voice responds, "A little pitchy."

2. There's a Navy Seal hiding in your fish tank.

1. Several times a week, you get chloroformed, stuffed in a trunk and dumped in Mexico.

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs the Government Is Spying On You

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs the Government Is Spying On You (April 2009)

10. Your kitty has a satellite dish on his head.

9. At restaurant waiter urges, "Speak directly into the dinner rolls."

8. Your car's GPS unit has an awful lot of questions.

7. "Girl Scout" delivering your thin mints is 6'4, 270.

6. Keep finding underpants labeled "Agent Morales."

5. Mailman warns you, "This conversation may be recorded for quality control purposes."

4. NSA sends over sexy lingerie they'd like your wife to wear.

3. You sing in the shower, a mysterious voice responds, "A little pitchy."

2. There's a Navy Seal hiding in your fish tank.

1. Several times a week, you get chloroformed, stuffed in a trunk and dumped in Mexico

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It's amazing how mature and civil conservatives are (the Boy Scouts have announced they’re just gonna lay low for a while)

According to The Washington Post, President Trump is considering Ted Cruz as a replacement for Attorney General Jeff Sessions. And if you thought Jeff Sessions was bad, you were right. –Seth Meyers

Newly appointed White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci said today that he’s not a backstabber, but “more of a front-stabbing person.” And it’s very telling about this administration that they think there’s a right way to stab somebody. “I stab from the front, underhand. Like a gentleman.” –Seth Meyers

The Girl Scouts have announced that they will offer 23 new badges focused on science, technology, engineering and math. While the Boy Scouts have announced they’re just gonna lay low for a while. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Had he just been making light bulbs instead of movies he wouldn’t be in prison now (I just put my hand over my heart)

"General Electric announced it made a profit of $14 billion last year and paid zero in U.S. taxes. How does this make Wesley Snipes feel? Had he just been making light bulbs instead of movies he wouldn’t be in prison now." –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative, he won't even use the phrase ‘get ahold of yourself.’ That's how conservative.” –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich explained why he fooled around on his first two wives by saying he loved this country so much that it led him to cheating. He was so passionate about it he had to take his pants off. When I hear the National Anthem I just put my hand over my heart." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's either running for president or auditioning to be the next John Wick (earning their black-market badges)

March 2023

“Well, guys, this weekend, former president Trump closed out CPAC. And at one point during his speech, he made some pretty intense promises. Donald Trump: ‘Today, I add, I am your warrior, I am your justice, and for those who have been wronged and betrayed, I am your retribution. I am your retribution.’ He's either running for president or auditioning to be the next John Wick.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Trump spoke for almost two hours. And, of course, he had a few slip-ups. At one point he said ‘United Straights’ instead of United States. Mike Pence heard ‘United Straights’ and was like, ‘Hey, that's my campaign slogan.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“There's a limited-edition Girl Scouts Cookie called the Raspberry Rally, and it sold out so quickly that boxes are now being listed on eBay for hundreds of dollars. That's a great way for Girl Scouts to earn their black-market badge.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She became the youngest person ever to receive a MacArthur Genius Grant (Nice shirt, nice shoes, no service)

"The Arizona legislature passed a bill that would allow business owners asserting their religious beliefs to deny service to gay customers. Some businesses have already put up signs that read: 'Nice shirt, nice shoes, no service.'" –Seth Meyers

"New research shows marijuana is by far the least dangerous recreational drug. Studies have shown again and again that it leads to virtually no recreation. That's how safe it is." –Seth Meyers

"A girl scout in San Francisco sold 117 boxes of cookies in two hours after setting up shop outside a medical marijuana dispensary. And the very next day she became the youngest person ever to receive a MacArthur Genius Grant." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which is why today she bought a mansion and retired (Be like Han/Uh, mammal?)

Ted Cruz's dad said that God sent a message to Ted Cruz's wife giving his permission to run for president. Though I'm not sure that's what God meant when he told Cruz’s wife, “Run!!” –Jimmy Fallon

"When asked what kind of meat they use, a spokesman for Hot Pockets said, 'Uh, mammal?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A girl in San Francisco actually sold Girl Scout cookies at a medical marijuana clinic this week. Which is why today she bought a mansion and retired." –Jimmy Fallon

Whole Foods is looking into the idea of putting tattoo parlors in their grocery stores. Even so, the people walking out of Whole Foods with the biggest sense of regret will still be whoever just paid $8 for an apple. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The purpose of her trip hasn't been announced. But I'm guessing sanctuary? (They have apologized for quote, “All of it.”)

A new article has been published ranking New York City’s best public restrooms. So congratulations yet again to ... the subway! –Seth Meyers

Alaska Airlines apologized today to a gay couple after asking one

of them to move so that a straight couple could sit together.

Meanwhile Spirit Airlines apologized for quote, “All of it.”

--Seth Meyers

The Girl Scouts have announced that they will offer 23 new badges

focused on science, technology, engineering and math. While the

Boy Scouts have announced they’re just gonna lay low for a while.

–Seth Meyers

First lady Melania Trump announced today that her first solo international trip will be to Toronto, Canada. The purpose of her trip hasn't been announced. But I'm guessing sanctuary? –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They talk real smooth as they rake you over the coals (Where do they come up with this stuff?)

"Yesterday New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was asked about the slow pace of his weight loss and said, quote, 'Rome was not un-built in a day.' In fact, Christie and Rome have a lot in common: one was built by Julius Caesar, and the other was built by LITTLE Caesar." –Jimmy Fallon

"A girl in San Francisco actually sold Girl Scout cookies at a medical marijuana clinic this week. Which is why today she bought a mansion and retired." –Jimmy Fallon

"London's famous Globe Theatre announced plans to perform Shakespeare's play 'Hamlet' in North Korea. Of course, 'Hamlet' is about a man on a murderous revenge mission inspired by his late father. Then Kim Jong Un said, 'Where do they come up with this stuff?'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or in other words, Jeb is America’s Preparation H. (Get me Steven Seagal)

"A girl scout in San Francisco sold 117 boxes of cookies in two hours after setting up shop outside a medical marijuana dispensary. And the very next day she became the youngest person ever to receive a MacArthur Genius Grant." –Seth Meyers

After doing poorly in Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina, Jeb Bush announced that he’s dropping out of the race. Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz are both hoping to pick up Jeb’s supporters. Then Jeb said, “Joke's on you — I didn't have any supporters!” –Jimmy Fallon

John McCain actually praised Donald Trump’s new national security adviser, H.R. McMaster, calling him an outstanding choice and a man of genuine intellect, character, and ability. Then Trump said, “In that case, forget it. Get me Steven Seagal.” –Jimmy Fallon

Actually during his speech at the rally, George W. Bush said his brother Jeb is the guy who can fix the problems that inflame our country’s frustrations. Or in other words, Jeb is America’s Preparation H. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm sad to see everyone escape . . . I mean, get away . . . I mean, go home (You'll Know)

February 2014

"After 16 days of competition, the closing ceremony for the Winter Olympics is this Sunday. Vladimir Putin was like, 'It has been fun time, and I'm sad to see everyone escape . . . I mean, get away . . . I mean, go home.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was asked about the slow pace of his weight loss and said, quote, 'Rome was not un-built in a day.' In fact, Christie and Rome have a lot in common: one was built by Julius Caesar, and the other was built by LITTLE Caesar." –Jimmy Fallon

"A girl in San Francisco actually sold Girl Scout cookies at a medical marijuana clinic this week. Which is why today she bought a mansion and retired." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Jimmy Dore: CNN Runs “Feel Good” Story About Homeless Girl Scouts. No Kidding

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

this ruling means California gay guys can finally marry someone other than Liza Minnelli (swayed by that Liberace movie)

June 2013

"Yesterday, the Supreme Court opened the door for same-sex marriage to resume in California. Apparently, the judges were really swayed by that Liberace movie." –Jay Leno

"Now that the Supreme Court has overturned the Defense of Marriage Act, this ruling means California gay guys can finally marry someone other than Liza Minnelli." –Jay Leno

"The Girl Scouts announced that their pension plan has a $347 million deficit. The Girl Scouts are $347 million in debt so in addition to teaching girls about camping it also is preparing them for careers in government." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a plot that could only be understood by a man clutching his own pillow (their jug of government bleach)

April 2021

“We are celebrating President Biden’s vaccine milestone: all American adults are eligible to receive a Covid vaccine, as promised two weeks ago. It’s a huge contrast from his predecessor, Voldemoron. Even under that guy’s most optimistic projections, at this point only a third of US adults would’ve received their jug of government bleach.” —Stephen Colbert

“Yet it’s not all good news on the vaccine front: a recent poll of Republicans and white evangelical Christians found almost 30% of each group would ‘definitely not’ get a shot. Apparently the message, ‘the vaccine is safe and effective’ isn’t as believable as ‘Hugo Chavez and a cabal of celebrity pedophiles stole an election from the least popular president in history in a plot that could only be understood by a man clutching his own pillow.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Another long-simmering scandal: GOP groups who mass-purchase books written by Republicans to boost sales and land them on bestseller lists. That’s so embarrassing. It’s like when your dad has to buy all of your Girl Scout cookies because your cookies are painfully boring, and blame everything on immigrants. It’s always been a shady strategy, but it may have now broken the law: Senator Ted Cruz of Texas is accused of violating campaign finance rules by mass-purchasing his new book with $154,000 of campaign money. A warning to anyone visiting Ted Cruz’s house: You’re gonna leave with a book. Also a warning to anyone going to Ted Cruz’s house: Ted Cruz is gonna be there.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Usually the only thing Chris Christie vetoes is a salad (or else we’ll keep doing this)

February 2012

"Tomorrow night is the 20th Republican debate, which explains that new campaign slogan, ‘Vote Mitt Romney — or else we’ll keep doing this.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Bob Morris, a state lawmaker from Fort Wayne, Ind., has decided not to support a proposal to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts. He believes the Girl Scouts is a, quote, radicalized organization that supports homosexuality and abortion. I'm all for freedom of speech, but that kind of talk might get you picked as Rick Santorum's running mate.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Girl Scouts sell cookies. They don't promote homosexuality. They promote obesity.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has outlawed gay marriage with one exception. He said Ben and Jerry, they're OK. They can go ahead and get married. Usually the only thing Chris Christie vetoes is a salad.” –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night Of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

put democracy on hold to watch burly guys smash each other in the face (14 trillion dollar bills)

"Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty announced that he will seek the Republican presidential nomination. He has a slogan to win over the Republicans: 'Vote for me, I'm not Trump.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Canada may postpone an important political debate because it may conflict with a hockey game. An entire nation is willing to put democracy on hold to watch burly guys smash each other in the face. That is awesome." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama laid out his plan to reduce the $14 trillion national debt. Unfortunately for Sasha and Malia, it involves selling a lot of Girl Scout cookies." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If you stacked 14 trillion dollar bills on top of each other, the stack would almost definitely fall over and kill everyone in the United States." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Oprah says that the president and first lady will appear on her April 2 show. At the end, she'll be giving them away." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Rude Dude Escapes In The Nude (Once Again, Foreigners Shower Trump)

A headline in The Metro reads, “Naked Man Crashes Car Then Leads Police On Bizzare Nude Foot Chase.” That was their headline. The real headline should have read, “Rude Dude Escapes In The Nude.” --James Corden

A CBS headline reads, “There Is Now Only One Blockbuster Left On The Planet.” The honest headline should have read, “You Haven’t Won Yet Netflix.” --James Corden

A headline from CNN reads, “A Man Bought 540 Dollars In Cookies So These Girl Scouts Can Escape The Cold.” The honest headline should have read, “Sure Buddy, That’s What They All Say.” --James Corden

A headline in The Times reads, “Foreign Leaders Shower The Trump Family With Over $140,000 Worth Of Gifts.” The honest headline should have read, “Once Again, Foreigners Shower Trump.” --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”