This wasn't what I meant when I said I wanted to have kids (wait till you see what his boyfriend has)

Disgraced ex Harvard president Larry Summers reportedly spent his honeymoon on Epstein Island, which really upset his wife, who said, "This wasn't what I meant when I said I wanted to have kids." —Greg Gutfeld

Some people were shocked to see Rachel Maddow at the funeral for Dick Cheney. True, it's the first time she's ever shown up for Dick. —Greg Gutfeld

According to a new list, women think it's a good sign if a guy's apartment has expensive candles, nice hand soap, and wine glasses. And if you think that's nice, ladies, wait till you see what his boyfriend has. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So what is their job now? (Can someone please order him a conscience?)

“There was another outrageous Supreme Court ruling this week: the 6-3 decision in West Virginia v EPA, which limits the Environmental Protection Agency’s power to regulate emissions from fossil fuel-fired power plants. The Supreme Court ruled that the Environmental Protection Agency does not have the authority to protect the environment…? So what is their job now? Just to look at the environment and be like ‘oh shit’?” —Trevor Noah

“Are NBA players supposed to just shut up and dribble or literally fix racism all by themselves? Either way, it feels like America relies way too much on the athletes to do everything. They’re supposed to play basketball, fix racism, sell cereal and date all the Kardashians?” — Trevor Noah

“Meanwhile, as coronavirus tanks the economy, Amazon has asked the public to donate to a relief fund for its workers. Yeah, the richest company in the world, owned by the richest man in the world, is asking us for money. Which, let’s be honest, is some bullshit. Can someone please order Jeff Bezos a conscience? With Prime, it can arrive within two days.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he ain't missing that (good hair and a soul)

Amazon is raising the price of its prime membership by $20. Which sounds like a lot, until you remember what it feels like to make eye contact with a cashier when you buy a 40-pack of toilet paper. --Jimmy Fallon

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced today that he is checking into rehab. He said he entered rehab this week to deal with the problem swiftly — and also because Monday is Cinco de Mayo, and he ain't missing that." –Jimmy Fallon

The royal family just announced the name of William and Kate's newborn son, Louis Arthur Charles. I guess they couldn't decide on a royal-sounding name, so they just went with all of them. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Top all-time recipients of insurance money (What are the odds?)

Over the weekend F1 the movie brought in $140 million. Man, Hollywood must be desperate for content, making a movie about a button on my keyboard. —Greg Gutfeld

Over the weekend the Kardashians, Jenners and other celebrities went to Venice to celebrate the Jeff Bezos -Lauren Sanchez wedding. It was the largest concentration of Ozempic outside of Rosie O’Donnell's urine sample. —Greg Gutfeld

Because Jeff Bezos owns the Washington Post after he and Lauren Sanchez said their I-Dos the officient said, "I now pronounce you paper and plastic.” —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

These six guys control maybe 20% of the world’s wealth and 100% of your nudes (open source Illuminati)

Donald Trump’s inauguration, was attended by such tech billionaire CEOs or founders as Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Bezos, Tim Cook and more. Basically, a plethora of bald billionaires who all seem to go to the same bio-hack life extension clinic and say, ‘Give me the Lex Luthor’. These six guys control maybe 20% of the world’s wealth and 100% of your nudes. —Jon Stewart

“Shouldn’t this gathering be happening in a volcano’s lair near Zurich? Or are we just open source Illuminati?” —Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

this is the same decision Michael Jackson has to make every morning of his life (in the time it took you to read this...)

"It looks like the Democratic field is really starting to get narrowed down. For Democrats, it's going to be Barack Obama versus Hillary. So, it's a black man or a white woman. You know, this is the same decision Michael Jackson has to make every morning of his life." --Jay Leno (from 2008)

"Congress has voted to extend the Bush tax cuts. Is it me, or is George W. Bush getting more done now than when he was in office?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Jets became suspicious when they noticed an unmarked van parked in the shower (It's a Small World)

"In his first year in office, President Obama has traveled to 16 foreign countries, more than any other president in history. Bush only traveled to 11, but most of those were just different parts from the 'It's a Small World' ride." –Jimmy Fallon

Another big story is that Cubs team president Theo Epstein has now ended World Series droughts for both the Chicago Cubs and the Boston Red Sox. Now, he’s going to take on his toughest job yet, president of RadioShack. –Jimmy Fallon

It's being reported that the Jets had their locker room swept for listening devices before their recent game against the New England Patriots. The Jets became suspicious when they noticed an unmarked van parked in the shower. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Where do I know that guy from... (Drapetomania)

President Trump actually has two cell phones that his staff nicknamed “Trump One” and “Trump Two.” Sounds a little like something out of a Dr. Seuss book. Trump wrote his own Dr. Seuss book about himself. We got a copy. Check this out [shows illustrated book]. It says, “The day was beginning, I rolled up my sleeves, I put on my tie that goes past my knees. Too cold to go out, too hyper to snooze, so I sat in the house and binge-watched Fox News. I ate some McDonald’s, I ate KFC, I ate more McDonald’s and more KFC. I went to the doctor, he said everything’s fine. But even I doubt I weigh 239.” --Jimmy Fallon

And it seems like there's no end in sight to the shutdown. You can tell Trump's desperate to get money for his wall, 'cause earlier today, he proposed to Jeff Bezos. --Jimmy Fallon

But this morning, Eric Trump went on “Fox & Friends” and passionately defended his father. While at home, the president was like, “Where do I know that guy from...” --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This morning, I bought a spinach and feta omelet out of the trunk of some guy's car. (he should be out of the hospital by Sunday)

“While the cost of other food has declined in recent months, the price of eggs still remains extremely high. Now when you order eggs in a diner, the waiter's like, ‘Get a load of Jeff Bezos over here.’ It's hard finding cheap eggs. This morning, I bought a spinach and feta omelet out of the trunk of some guy's car.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, I saw that Guinness just announced that they're raising the price of a pint in Ireland. One politician suggested drinking water instead. And doctors say he should be out of the hospital by Sunday.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The first in space vs the first to end world hunger (he was playing in a different tree at the time)

Work has begun at Chernobyl on a giant concrete and steel arch that’s going to cover the site of the reactor that exploded in 1986. Even crazier, they want to make Mexico pay for it. –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump has stated he wants to make it easier to sue journalists. He also wants to use the Second Amendment to shoot the First Amendment. –Conan O’Brien

"A powerful storm in Washington, D.C. knocked over a 100-year-old Elm tree on the White House lawn. President Bush was not hurt because he was playing in a different tree at the time." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

How can I oppose anything that brings more cake into New Jersey? (Good hair and a soul)

"As of today, same-sex marriages are now legal in New Jersey. And today New Jersey governor Chris Christie announced he would no longer oppose gay marriage. He said, 'How can I oppose anything that brings more cake into New Jersey?'" –Conan O'Brien

Bill O’Reilly revealed that he is mad at God for putting him through his sexual harassment scandal. Today, God refused to comment; instead, she just laughed. –Conan O’Brien

Joe Biden announced he is not running for president. And so, as promised, Hillary Clinton immediately released his dog. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Joke's on you — I didn't have any supporters! (They just closed their eyes and listened to Morgan Freeman read the appetizers)

According to a recent study of college students, some TV shows help viewers become Kinder and more generous people. For instance, every time after I watch "The Bachelor" I always put more money into my daughters' college funds. –Jimmy Fallon

After doing poorly in Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina, Jeb Bush announced that he’s dropping out of the race. Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz are both hoping to pick up Jeb’s supporters. Then Jeb said, “Joke's on you — I didn't have any supporters!” –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama was spotted at a steak restaurant in D.C. This week with Morgan Freeman and Tom Hanks. They didn't even order anything. They just closed their eyes and listened to Morgan Freeman read the appetizers. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's never a good sign when you see a jumbo jet taking the I-95 to Tampa (I bought a spinach and feta omelet out of the trunk of some guy's car)

January 2023

“Well, guys, everyone is talking about this — early this morning, all flights across the U.S. were grounded due to a failure with the FAA's computer system. Yeah. Zero flights took off, but somehow everyone's luggage still ended up in Pittsburgh. That's right. No flights took off. It's never a good sign when you see a jumbo jet taking the I-95 to Tampa.” —Jimmy Fallon

“It's never fun being stuck in an airport. Families headed to Disney told their kids the luggage carousel was the "It's a Small World" ride. They're like, ‘Just calm down and sit next to the Tumi bag. I'll take your picture.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“While the cost of other food has declined in recent months, the price of eggs still remain extremely high. Now when you order eggs in a diner, the waiter's like, ‘Get a load of Jeff Bezos over here.’ It's hard finding cheap eggs. This morning, I bought a spinach and feta omelet out of the trunk of some guy's car.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, I saw that Guinness just announced that they're raising the price of a pint in Ireland. One politician suggested drinking water instead. And doctors say he should be out of the hospital by Sunday.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Did you guys see this? I heard that Subway might be sold for more than $10 billion. Yeah, the sale could be done in a few months or a little longer if they want their Subway toasted.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Your honor, my client pleads: mine, mine, mine, mine, mine (or, as it’s known at his house, the Melania)

November 2022

“We are taping this show before Trump’s official announcement for 2024 at Mar-a-Lago, so the FBI could still burst in and seize his teleprompter. But everyone is expecting him to announce his third presidential bid. Yes, it’s the third time – or, as it’s known at his house, the Melania.” —Stephen Colbert

“I want everybody to breathe, as Trump might not even be the GOP nominee! It could be Ron DeSantis. Especially as Trump’s team tries to dig him out from under a pile of lawsuits. A filing in a suit against Twitter argued that ‘crackpot ideas sometimes turn out to be true’ to advance more baseless claims about Hunter Biden and election fraud. Well said! All great discoveries start as conspiracy theories. Thomas Edison only invented the lightbulb so he could finally see that Sasquatch sneaking up on him.” —Stephen Colbert

“A separate legal filing claimed that the president gets to decide whether White House papers are ‘personal documents’ and that Trump ‘had decided that all the records he took to Mar-a-Lago were in fact his personal property’. That is the legal argument of a toddler. ‘Your honor, my client pleads: mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, I want a balloon, I want a balloon, mine.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I remember the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart's personal lemon zester (Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game)

"You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and Kim Jong Un had him executed. I remember the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart's personal lemon zester." –David Letterman

"Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is write you a ticket. Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game." –David Letterman

"New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we're down to 2 million. You know what that means? We lose four electoral votes." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh wow, we’re finally getting a restroom? (Make jobs, Not war)

October 2022

“We are celebrating the first new Rihanna music in six long years. The singer and fashion mogul will release a new single, Lift Me Up, for the upcoming film Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. You understand how big this is? Rihanna plus Black Panther, what?! I haven’t experienced this much Black joy since that time Obama featured on that Cardi B track. It was just like, ‘Wap, wap, wap, I’ll tell you what makes my pussy wet: voting! Everybody vote!’” —Trevor Noah

“We are also looking at the beginning of Elon Musk’s tenure as owner of Twitter. To celebrate the occasion, Musk tweeted a video of him walking into Twitter HQ holding a sink with the caption ‘let this sink in’. What I want to know is where did he get that sink? Is it just the one he ripped out of the wall when the judge told him he had to buy Twitter? If anything, Elon is the right billionaire to make this joke. Because if Jeff Bezos walked into Amazon with a sink, his employees would be like ‘oh wow, we’re finally getting a restroom?’” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And if that sounds like a good excuse to you, try it on your girlfriend (the nation's largest ever gathering of misspelled signs)

"Mitt Romney on Tuesday once again tried to distance himself from his infamous 47 percent comments, saying, 'the words that came out were not what I meant.' And if that sounds like a good excuse to you, try it on your girlfriend." –Seth Meyers

"The tea party nation announced last week that Sarah Palin will headline what is being called the first national tea party convention in February. It is expected to be the nation's largest ever gathering of misspelled signs." –Seth Meyers

Republican presidential hopeful Chris Christie said this weekend that he would rather jump off the Brooklyn Bridge than be in Congress. And just to be safe, Mayor de Blasio issued a tsunami warning for Lower Manhattan. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What kind of lesson does that teach his secret children! (It’s true, he does like helping people)

October 2022

“We checked in on a pivotal Senate race in Georgia between incumbent Democrat Raphael Warnock and GOP candidate Herschel Walker, who is in favor of a national abortion ban with no exceptions. Turns out, he might make one exception to that. According to a report by the Daily Beast, the extremely anti-choice Walker paid for his then-girlfriend’s abortion in 2009. Walker has denied the report, calling it a ‘flat-out lie’. And if there’s one thing Herschel Walker knows, it’s lying, because he as done a ton of it. Walker has falsely claimed he was an FBI agent, hid secret children from his campaign, and falsely claimed that he never falsely claimed to have graduated from the University of Georgia. He not only lied, he lied about lying? What kind of lesson does that teach his secret children!” —Stephen Colbert 

“Walker’s former girlfriend brought receipts – one from the abortion clinic, a copy of a $700 check from Walker, and a signed get well card. This is a, um, what’s the word? A disaster. So the former football star went on Fox News to perform damage control with the most effective birth control known to man: Sean Hannity. Asked to explain the $700 check, Walker said: ‘Well, I send money to a lot of people, and that’s what’s so funny. I do scholarship funds for kids, I give money to people all the time because I’m always helping people.’ It’s true, he does like helping people. For instance, that interview really helped his opponent, Raphael Warnock.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's because you are here to help create a new one (Number 343)

September 2022

“Excerpts from a new book on the Trump presidency from the New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman are being leaked. According to Confidence Man, Trump was having dinner with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer when he turned to their non-white staffers and said ‘why don’t you get the food?’ That is just awful, but to be fair, that’s what he says in every situation.” —Stephen Colbert

“Haberman also revealed that Trump nearly fired his daughter Ivanka and her husband, Jared Kushner, via tweet. That would be an awful way to find out they lost their jobs as … handbag blondeface? Haunted scarecrow? His and hers towel racks? I don’t know what they did. In the end, the ex-president did what he has done his whole life: he avoided his children. He never fired them, and as we all know, Jared went on to achieve Middle East peace.” —Stephen Colbert

“A new Forbes 400 list listed Elon Musk as the richest man in America, with a net worth of $251 Billion. The Tesla CEO beat out Jeff Bezos, who ceded his spot at No 1 in a show of solidarity with employees who aren’t allowed to go No 1 on the job. Trump is also back on the list, coming in at No 343, which hopefully will soon be his inmate number as well.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“There is a report in Maggie Haberman’s book that the former Trump chief of staff John Kelly convinced him not to fire Jared and Ivanka via tweet by waving a KFC drumstick in front of him and tossing it across the room. According to this book, everyone who worked at the White House, including his family, thought Trump was a dangerous, unpredictable child. And on behalf of all of us, I just want to say thank you to those brave men and women who kept that information to themselves and away from the American people who could have removed him from office.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They have a very strict “28 strikes and you’re out” policy (once she describes the affair, our gagging is just beginning)

One person who hasn’t had a great day is Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly, who has been fired from the network after years of multimillion-dollar sexual harassment suits. I mean Fox News had no choice. They have a very strict “28 strikes and you’re out” policy. –James Corden

The nation’s first drive-through marijuana dispensary is opening tomorrow in Colorado. Also, down the street will be the world’s most successful DUI checkpoint. –James Corden

More bad news for President Trump. Former Playboy Playmate Karen McDougal, who allegedly had a relationship with Trump, just had a gag order lifted that previously prevented her from discussing the affair. Oh, I cannot wait to NOT hear the details. Her gag order may be over, but once she describes the affair, our gagging is just beginning. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”