Over the weekend F1 the movie brought in $140 million. Man, Hollywood must be desperate for content, making a movie about a button on my keyboard. —Greg Gutfeld
Over the weekend the Kardashians, Jenners and other celebrities went to Venice to celebrate the Jeff Bezos -Lauren Sanchez wedding. It was the largest concentration of Ozempic outside of Rosie O’Donnell's urine sample. —Greg Gutfeld
Because Jeff Bezos owns the Washington Post after he and Lauren Sanchez said their I-Dos the officient said, "I now pronounce you paper and plastic.” —Greg Gutfeld
F1, the new Brad Pitt movie about Formula 1 racing opens in theaters this weekend. Now I don't want to say that Brad is getting a little old but he spends 90% of the movie driving around with his left turn signal on. He offered to do his own driving as long as he could pretend he was running over Angelina Jolie. —Dana Perino
In New York City's primary for mayor yesterday ex-governor Andrew Cuomo was defeated by socialist Zohran Mamdani. Cuomo was so stunned he tried to grope himself. —Dana Perino
After AOC said she wanted to impeach Trump he responded by calling her one of the dumbest people in Congress, which isn't fair. Why limit it to Congress? —Dana Perino
Joe Biden has been running for president since 1988. In 1988 Air Supply was a band, now it’s what Joe Biden needs when he reaches the top of the stairs. —Bill Maher
It's rough around here. A few days ago I was watching the movie Once Upon a Time In Hollywood, a terrific movie, and that scene where Brad Pitt answers the door and it's the Manson Family and I thought, ooh company. —Bill Maher
"Lindsay Graham is running for reelection and his primary opponent publicly called him 'ambiguously gay." Republican politicians do not like ambiguously gay. It makes things too complicated at the rest stop." –Bill Maher
I know some of my sober friends are drinking again. I was FaceTiming this guy last week and I saw in the background he had a bottle of scotch which he tried to pass off his 12 year old hand sanitizer. —Bill Maher
Americans now are of course waiting for their $1200 stimulus checks which perhaps have been delayed because Trump had to put his name on them. I mean is it really necessary to see his name on the check to know who it’s from? Aren’t we gonna know when it bounces? —Bill Maher
It's rough around here. A few days ago I was watching the movie Once Upon a Time In Hollywood, a terrific movie, and that scene where Brad Pitt answers the door and it's the Manson Family and I thought, ooh company. —Bill Maher
"The big rumor in Washington is that President Bush is about to hire Tony Snow of Fox News to be his new press secretary. His job will be to defend everything the president does, so it's basically a lateral move. It's basically the same thing he's doing now." --Jay Leno
"Al Jazeera has released an audiotape from Osama bin Laden. State Department officials say it shows he's aware of world events. It opens up congratulating Brad and Angelina on their baby." --Jay Leno
"But Sarah Palin says she is ready for Sean Hannity. In fact, she spent all day today writing out the questions he's going to ask her. Well, if you saw the big interview with Gibson, Sarah Palin quoted Abraham Lincoln, when Lincoln said, 'Let us not pray that God is on our side in any war, or at any other time, but let us pray that we are on God's side.' And here's the amazing part. You know who Abraham Lincoln said that to? John McCain." --Jay Leno
"I don't know if anything happened or not, but I think the rule of thumb should be every year you're in a Vietnamese prison camp, you should be allowed one extramarital affair." –Jimmy Kimmel
Barack Obama was on 'The View' this morning. I guess they are still trying to find somebody to fill the Rosie spot. The ladies of 'The View' were absolutely giddy to have him there. You know, he's related to Brad Pitt. They loved him so much, it almost got uncomfortable [on screen: Barbara Walters telling Obama they find him sexy]. I haven't seen Barbara so smitten with a candidate since a young Warren G. Harding hit the scene back in 1919." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Tough day for the Bush administration. A guy named Claude Allen has been arrested and charged in Maryland with swindling Target and some other department stores out of refunds. He allegedly made off without about $5000 or so which is officially the smallest amount of money ever stolen by a Republican." --Jimmy Kimmel
“There has been an about-face on cannabis from Amazon, which announced support for a federal bill that would decriminalize marijuana and pledged to stop screening workers for THC. Which kinda sucks for those workers, because the urine test was the only bathroom break they got at Amazon.” —Jimmy Kimmel
“I wonder if they’ll also take a different approach to what they sell, because right now if you want to buy a pipe to smoke out of, you have to search ‘creative useful small gadgets’ or ‘portable small tools’. Which makes no sense, because 40% of the stuff people buy on Amazon is because they’re high.” —Jimmy Kimmel
Here are some of the chaotic requests lobbed at Dr. Anthony Fauci during the height of the Covid storm last spring, drawn from a trove of emails acquired by the Freedom of Information Act and published separately by the Washington Post and BuzzFeed on Tuesday. The emails sent to the top US infectious disease expert included numerous inquiries from celebrities and ordinary people offering advice and asking silly questions, such as whether hydrogen peroxide could be used as a cure, or whether jewelry bought in China could transmit Covid. This poor Dr. Fauci – the only good thing that happened to him was Brad Pitt playing him on Saturday Night Live.” —Jimmy Kimmel
It's rough around here. A few days ago I was watching the movie Once Upon a Time In Hollywood, a terrific movie, and that scene where Brad Pitt answers the door and it's the Manson Family and I thought, ooh company. —Bill Maher
I am afraid I am losing it. I am this close to writing a manifesto. —Bill Maher
I know some of my sober friends are drinking again. I was FaceTiming this guy last week and I saw in the background he had a bottle of scotch which he tried to pass off his 12 year old hand sanitizer. —Bill Maher
I have been working on a
paper for the Education Market.
The paper talks about using
video games as a teaching tool for
children with learning
disabilities.
The age demographic would be
10 to 18. Games could be up to the teacher or student to chose. Games might
include soccer, football, basketball, etc.
Students could learn about
various historical or fictional characters and create them as players for their
team. It would allow the student to study history, philosophy, religion,
sports, popular culture, etc. and then create the characters to be a part of
their team. The students would even be able to play along side their created
characters.
In this example I used PS4
Madden 17. On some of the teams historical figures like Martin Luther King, and
Abraham Lincoln will play on the same team with authors like Ernest Hemingway
and William Shakespeare, or Elvis Presley and Tupac Shakur.
The process is meant to be a
simple and fun way for kids to learn.
Maybe PS4/XBOX machines might
be donated or discounted to schools for these classes.
More on the paper as it is
fleshed out. Enjoy the simulations.
On the Indianapolis Colts
Offensive Line
LT Paul McCartney,
musician The Beatles
LG Jesus, some folks
Lord and Savior
C Charles Bukowski,
poet
RG God
RT John Lennon,
musician The Beatles
More Colts players include
Martin Luther King, Stephen
Hawking, Albert Einstein,
Muddy Waters, Winston
Churchill, Nelson Mandela
even characters from Star
Trek
Jeanluc Picard, Cmndr Worf,
Cmdr Data, James Kirk,
Mr Spock, Jonathan Archer,
Cmdr Tuvok, Geordi LaForge
Ben Sisko
and fictional characters
Jack Bauer, 24, played by
Keifer Sutherland
Nate Fisher, Six Feet Under,
played by Peter Krause
Also for sentimental reasons,
some fallen friends are on this team. Semper Fi. May you rest in peace.
San Diego Chargers Fantasy
Roster
Offense
QB Philip Rivers, NFL
QB Shane Falco, The
Replacements, played by Keanu Reeves
HB Ladainian Tomlinson,
NFL
HB Keith Lincoln, NFL
FB Derek Flint, In Like
Flint, played by James Coburn
FB Malcolm X, civil
rights activist
WR Lance Alworth, NFL
WR Luke Skywalker, Star
Wars, played by Mark Hamill
WR Charlie Joiner, NFL
WR Hunter Thompson,
author
TE Kellen Winslow, NFL
TE Pug Henry, Winds of
War, played by Robert Mitchum
TE Antonio Gates, NFL
RT Ron Mix, NFL
Defense
LE Joey Bosa, NFL
LE Tom Mason, Falling
Skies, played by Noah Wylie
LE Sun Tzu, Chinese
military leader
LE Jeff Lebowski, The
Big Lebowski, played by Jeff Bridges
LE Vincent Vega, Pulp
Fiction, played by John Travolta
RE Fred Dean, NFL
RE Maximus Meridius,
Gladiator, played by Russell Crowe
RE Jack
Ryan, The Hunt for Red October, played by Alec Baldwin
I have been working on a
paper for the Education Market.
The paper talks about using
video games as a teaching tool for
children with learning
disabilities.
The age demographic would be
10 to 18. Games could be up to the teacher or student to chose. Games might
include soccer, football, basketball, etc.
Students could learn about
various historical or fictional characters and create them as players for their
team. It would allow the student to study history, philosophy, religion,
sports, popular culture, etc. and then create the characters to be a part of
their team. The students would even be able to play along side their created
characters.
In this example I used PS4
Madden 17. On some of the teams historical figures like Martin Luther King, and
Abraham Lincoln will play on the same team with authors like Ernest Hemingway
and William Shakespeare, or Elvis Presley and Tupac Shakur.
The process is meant to be a
simple and fun way for kids to learn.
Maybe PS4/XBOX machines might
be donated or discounted to schools for these classes.
More on the paper as it is
fleshed out. Enjoy the simulations.
On the Indianapolis Colts
Offensive Line
LT Paul McCartney,
musician The Beatles
LG Jesus, some folks
Lord and Savior
C Charles Bukowski,
poet
RG God
RT John Lennon,
musician The Beatles
More Colts players include
Martin Luther King, Stephen
Hawking, Albert Einstein,
Muddy Waters, Winston
Churchill, Nelson Mandela
even characters from Star
Trek
Jeanluc Picard, Cmndr Worf,
Cmdr Data, James Kirk,
Mr Spock, Jonathan Archer,
Cmdr Tuvok, Geordi LaForge
Ben Sisko
and fictional characters
Jack Bauer, 24, played by
Keifer Sutherland
Nate Fisher, Six Feet Under,
played by Peter Krause
Also for sentimental
reasons, fallen friends are on
this team. Semper Fi. May you rest in peace.
Houston Texans Fantasy Roster
Offense
QB Tim Tebow
HB Michael Scofield,
Prison Break, played by Wentworth Miller
HB Rick Grimes, The
Walking Dead, played by Andrew Lincoln
HB Tyler Durden, Fight
Club, played by Brad Pitt
FB Jay Pritchett,
Modern Family, played by Ed O’Neil
WR Dave Looper, RIP
WR Watty Watts, Love
and a .45, played by Gil Bellows
WR Chuck Berry,
musician
WR Lando Calrissian,
Star Wars played by Billy Dee Williams
WR Salem Poor, American
Revolution soldier
WR Rufus T. Firefly,
Duck Soup played by Groucho Marx
WR Deandre Hopkins, NFL
TE Eric Northman, True
Blood played by Alexander Skarsgard
TE Stephen Colbert,
comedian
TE Tim Griffin, aka
“Timmy Ballgame”
LG John Wayne, actor
Defense
LE Ross Poldark,
Poldark, played by Robin Ellis
LE John Shaft, Shaft
played by Richard Roundtree
LE Big Bill Broonzy,
musician
LE Apollo Creed, Rocky,
played by Carl Weathers
RE J.J. Watt, NFL
RE Vincent Vega, Pulp
Fiction, played by John Travolta
DT Vince Wilfork, NFL
DT George Foreman, Boxer
DT Buddy Holly,
musician
LB Muhammad Ali, Boxer
LB Crispus Attucks,
American Revolution
LB Max Brunk, surfing
legend
LB Jadeveon Clowney,
NFL
LB Bo Diddley, musician
LB Will Riker, Star
Trek, played by Jonathan Frakes
LB Cmndr Tuvok, Star
Trek, played by Tim Russ
CB John Lee Hooker,
musician
CB Sugar Ray Robinson,
Boxer
FS Augustus Gibbons,
xXx, played by Samuel L. Jackson
FS Richard Pryor,
comedian
FS Xander Cage, played
by Vin Diesel
SS Miles Davis,
musician
SS Floyd Patterson,
Boxer
SS Michael Moore,
filmmaker
Special Teams
K Nigel Gruff, The
Replacements, played by Rhys Ifans
"A Texas paper is
reporting that lobbyist Jack Abramoff charged a client $25,000 to have lunch
with President Bush. Not surprisingly, this is the most anyone has ever payed
for lunch at Chuck E. Cheese." --Conan O'Brien
"A tape was broadcast
on Al Jazeera that is reportedly the first message from Osama bin Laden in over
a year. Experts think it may not be a new tape because in the background you
can hear 'Who Let The Dogs Out,' and he's wearing super-low jeans."
--Conan O'Brien
"Al Jazeera has
released an audiotape from Osama bin Laden. State Department officials say it
shows he’s aware of world events. It opens up congratulating Brad and Angelina
on their baby." --Jay Leno
While
hosting their final White House Halloween party yesterday, first lady Michelle
Obama actually told the kids, “Hey! Candy for everybody!” Then Barack looked
around and was like, “OK, who’s that in the Michelle Obama costume?” –Jimmy
Fallon
The
election is just one week from today. So I guess in one week, we’ll know if
Donald Trump is our next president — or if Hillary Clinton rigged the election.
–Jimmy Fallon
A
memo from a veteran spy says that Vladimir Putin has been supporting Donald
Trump for five years. After hearing this, Trump said, “Oh my God, I forgot it
was our anniversary! What do you get for five years? I hope it’s not CHINA?”
–Jimmy Fallon
In
California, two women have been arrested for holding a group of men hostage and
making them work for several months on a marijuana farm. The men said they
wanted to escape but they never got around to it. –Conan O’Brien
It’s
rumored that Brad Pitt had been cheating on Angelina Jolie with an actress who
looks like a young Angelina Jolie. As a result, he’s about to have the bank
account of a young Brad Pitt. –Conan O’Brien
President
Barack Obama appeared before the U.N. General Assembly for the final time in
his presidency to announce that the U.S. would be admitting 110,000 refugees in
the coming year. Now the refugees will include people fleeing dangerous places
like Syria, Libya, Florida. This might sound like a lot of people, 110,000
people are coming in, but you’ve got to remember millions will be fleeing if
Trump is elected. –James Corden
Angelina
Jolie and Brad Pitt celebrated their second wedding anniversary this week. They
said it was a small celebration, just them and their immediate army — I mean
family. –Jimmy Fallon
New
research found that young people actually have higher stress and anxiety than
older people. It’s mainly due to the older person in front of them trying to
pay for a TV with dimes. –Jimmy Fallon
Mylan,
the company that produces these EpiPens, have jacked up the price of these pens
for less than $100 for a pair, to over $600. That price is enough to send you
into shock, but don't do it because you can't afford the pen anymore. –Stephen
Colbert
Hey,
if you’re in a relationship, you might want to listen to this. A relationship
expert just told The Washington Post that people who are in a relationship
shouldn't reach out to ex-lovers on Facebook, because it can often lead to an
affair. He also recommended not referring to anyone as your “ex-lover,” because
it can lead to people around you gagging. –Jimmy Fallon
There
is reportedly a shortage of turkeys this Thanksgiving. So it’s official, even
turkeys don’t want to spend Thanksgiving with your family. –Conan O’Brien
Critics
are panning Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s new movie saying the film has
"long stretches where nothing much happens." Angelina Jolie and Brad
Pitt responded, "Since when is looking at us not enough?" –Conan
O’Brien
