he ain't missing that (good hair and a soul)

Amazon is raising the price of its prime membership by $20. Which sounds like a lot, until you remember what it feels like to make eye contact with a cashier when you buy a 40-pack of toilet paper. --Jimmy Fallon

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced today that he is checking into rehab. He said he entered rehab this week to deal with the problem swiftly — and also because Monday is Cinco de Mayo, and he ain't missing that." –Jimmy Fallon

The royal family just announced the name of William and Kate's newborn son, Louis Arthur Charles. I guess they couldn't decide on a royal-sounding name, so they just went with all of them. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Everyone thought it was sweet, except for their other son (if you're looking for that perfect Mother's Day present, keep looking)

This weekend wasn't just about Cinco de Mayo and the Kentucky Derby. People also celebrated Star Wars Day, May the Fourth — May the Fourth Be With You. In Utah, a pair of twins were born and their parents named them Luke and Leia. Everyone thought it was sweet, except for their other son — Jar Jar. --Jimmy Fallon

And listen to this. I heard that you can actually buy a jar of manure from a winning Derby horse for $200. So if you're looking for that perfect Mother's Day present, keep looking. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow that's almost a third (emptier than Jerry Nadler's colon after Cinco de Mayo)

The Trump Administration said 50% of the Department of Education staff will be eliminated, shocking the staff who exclaimed exclaimed, ‘Wow that's almost a third.’ —Greg Gutfeld

So as DOGE shines the light, the roaches run in fright. This week a senior official at USAID ordered her troops, or what's left of them, to destroy all their documents at the Ronald Reagan Building in DC. That way their files will be emptier than Jerry Nadler's colon after Cinco de Mayo. —Greg Gutfeld

The high school runner who hit her opponent on the head with a baton faces assault and battery charges, but claims it was all an accident. She actually meant to shoot her. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he has been conducting all official business wearing floaties (You'll melt your face off, kid!)

"President Bush will not concede that global warming may have something to do with this crazy weather though he has been conducting all official business wearing floaties." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush celebrated Cinco de Mayo a day early today. He would normally do it tomorrow, but Friday is his day off." --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You should probably stop talking (and he ain't missing that)

A federal regulation is now requiring that airports serving over 10,000 passengers per year have an area in every terminal where pets can go to the bathroom. Or as it's called in LaGuardia, all of LaGuardia. –Jimmy Fallon

Last night, Rudy Giuliani went on Fox News and revealed that Trump knew about and paid for Stormy Daniels’ hush money. Even Kanye was like, “You should probably stop talking.”  --Jimmy Fallon

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced today that he is checking into rehab. He said he entered rehab this week to deal with the problem swiftly — and also because Monday is Cinco de Mayo, and he ain't missing that." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren't any witnesses (he'll fit right in)

"Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he'll fit right in." –Jay Leno

"CNN anchor Carol Costello was robbed of her iPhone in broad daylight while walking down the street in Atlanta. Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren't any witnesses." –Jay Leno

"You people sound like you're all ready for Cinco de Mayo. I hate it when every holiday gets so politicized. Like today, the NRA said piñatas should be allowed to carry guns to defend themselves." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You also won't find that staffer, either (3,000 prostitutes moved in right across from Congress)

Yesterday, the State Department said that it can't find any emails belonging to Hillary Clinton's senior technology staffer from when Clinton was secretary of state. Then Hillary said (WIPES OFF HANDS), "You also won't find that staffer, either." –Jimmy Fallon

"Washington, D.C. has a new program that would pay residents $12,000 to move closer to their workplace. It's already a huge hit — in fact just today, 3,000 prostitutes moved in right across from Congress." –Jimmy Fallon

This weekend wasn't just about Cinco de Mayo and the Kentucky Derby. People also celebrated Star Wars Day, May the Fourth — May the Fourth Be With You. In Utah, a pair of twins were born and their parents named them Luke and Leia. Everyone thought it was sweet, except for their other son — Jar Jar. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today (12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list)

"PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, 'If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today.'" –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list." –Conan O'Brien

"They celebrated Cinco de Mayo at the White House. In keeping with the times, President Obama whacked a giant piñata and then gave it a burial at sea." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, that's what you want to see at a dinner (Earlier today Joe Biden pardoned a burrito)

May 2014

"This weekend was the White House Correspondents Dinner. President Obama made fun of his low poll numbers, the botched Obamacare rollout, and Governor Chris Christie – while I was on the phone with Putin, negotiating a cease-fire in Ukraine." –Jimmy Fallon

"On Saturday, Chris Christie tweeted that he had a colonoscopy just hours before he went to the White House Correspondents Dinner. Yeah, that's what you want to see at a dinner — Chris Christie after he wasn't able to eat for 24 hours." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's Cinco de Mayo. A lot of people mistakenly think this is Mexico's Independence Day. So remember to correct people if you want to be the most annoying guy at happy hour." –Jimmy Fallon

"Happy Cinco de Mayo. Earlier today Joe Biden pardoned a burrito." –David Letterman

"That is what's great about this country. We will celebrate the beauty of any culture as long as it allows us to drink in the daytime." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's earned it. The guy's been up since 2004 (Is that a side effect of crack?)

May 2014

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is apparently back smoking the crack. There is a picture of him smoking the crack and a videotape is out as well. Is there a videotape out there of him not smoking crack?" –David Letterman

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced he's taking a leave of absence to deal with issues related to substance abuse. A video was reportedly shot by his drug dealer. The guy is constantly being taped but never seems to notice the cameras. Is that a side effect of crack?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Toronto mayor Rob Ford has decided to take a leave of absence to seek help. Specifically what he's seeking help with is getting more crack." –Conan O'Brien 

"After rumors surfaced of another video of him smoking crack, Rob Ford said he's taking a leave of absence, and of course he's earned it. The guy's been up since 2004." –Conan O'Brien

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced today that he is checking into rehab. He said he entered rehab this week to deal with the problem swiftly — and also because Monday is Cinco de Mayo, and he ain't missing that." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Come on out. You will never have to work a day in your life (Now the Russian version of Wolf of Wall Street is eight seconds long)

"They celebrated Cinco de Mayo at the White House. In keeping with the times, President Obama whacked a giant piñata and then gave it a burial at sea." –Conan O'Brien

"Prince William's pregnant wife, Kate Middleton, is past her due date. Doctors may have to induce labor. To speed up the birth, doctors have been telling the baby, 'Come on out. You will never have to work a day in your life.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The big story is Bruce Jenner. In last week's interview, Jenner said he's a woman who is transitioning his body from male to female, and he's also a conservative Republican. Bruce said he looks forward to bashing Obamacare as soon as he finishes using it." –Conan O'Brien

"Vladimir Putin has signed a new law banning the F-word from movies. Now the Russian version of 'Wolf of Wall Street' is eight seconds long. You sit down and it's over." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

and also because Monday is Cinco de Mayo, and he ain't missing that (The least popular baby name)

"Jacob and Isabella are the most popular baby names in the U.S. The least popular baby name: Donald Sheen bin Laden." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's being reported that Google spent over $5 million on lobbying just during the first quarter of this year. You'd think Google wouldn't really need to lobby politicians. All they have to say is, 'We have your search history. Do what we tell you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced today that he is checking into rehab. He said he entered rehab this week to deal with the problem swiftly — and also because Monday is Cinco de Mayo, and he ain't missing that." –Jimmy Fallon

"The government is now recommending that schools stay open even if they have a confirmed case of swine flu. I love it. In one week, the swine flu has gone from the end of the world to not as bad as snow." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You can bag them without any trouble at all (Think outside the bun)

May 2022

“The Fed raised interest rates by half a percentage point on Wednesday in an effort to curb inflation. After yesterday’s rate hike, the markets went up 932 points. Pretty good. But this morning, as one reporter described it, ‘Investors woke up with a binge-trading hangover.’ Oh, you’ve got to be careful when you binge-trade; otherwise, you could wake up next to a stock you don’t even remember acquiring.” —Stephen Colbert

“Then today, everything went kablooey. The Dow tumbled over 1,000 points, in the worst day of the year so far, eclipsing the previous worst day of the year: every day of the year.” —Stephen Colbert

“Happy Cinco de Mayo. Yeah, it’s that one day when people are excited to hear someone say, ‘I’ve got Corona!’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, today President Biden hosted a Cinco de Mayo reception in the Rose Garden with the first lady of Mexico. Yeah, Biden talked about the warm relationship between the U.S. and Mexico. It’s better than Trump’s message on Cinco de Mayo, which was ‘Think outside the bun.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“In an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network this week in which Donald Trump said ‘nobody has done more for Christianity, nobody has done more for religions of all types, than me’. That’s a bit of a bold statement. But I’ll say this: he’s right about Christianity. For four years he certainly inspired me to say ‘Je-sus’. The ‘religions of all kinds’ bit also makes sense. He’s got the wrath of Yahweh, the destructive power of Shiva, the BMI of Buddha and the sexual assault history of Zeus.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait, isn't that literally your responsibility? (He's known around the NRA as 'Reasonable Jim.')

May 2013

"The NRA this week elected a new president, choosing Alabama lawyer Jim Porter who recently referred to Attorney General Eric Holder as 'rabidly un-American' and still calls the Civil War the 'War of Northern Aggression.' He's known around the NRA as 'Reasonable Jim.'" –Seth Meyers

"Investigators are saying that on the night Dzhokhar Tsarnaev's picture was first made public, one of his college friends who was arrested on Wednesday texted Tsarnaev joking that he looked like one of the suspects. You know, when they say "if you see something, say something," they don't mean TO the terrorist." –Seth Meyers

"You people sound like you're all ready for Cinco de Mayo. I hate it when every holiday gets so politicized. Like today, the NRA said piñatas should be allowed to carry guns to defend themselves." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Obama spoke at Ohio State's graduation, and told students that it's their responsibility to make the world a better place. It got awkward when students were like, 'Wait, isn't that literally your responsibility?'" –Jimmy Fallon 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, not everything — if you’re Trump, you still can’t tweet (I just got invited to an orgy at Dr. Fauci’s)

May 2021

“The C.D.C.’s new guideline states that fully vaccinated Americans no longer had to wear masks in most places. Yeah, if you are fully vaccinated, you can go back to doing the things you did before the pandemic. Well, not everything — if you’re Trump, you still can’t tweet.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Oh, man. Every bar in New York City is going to feel like St. Patrick’s Day fell on Cinco de Mayo.” —Jimmy Fallon

“I think things are about to get crazy. Seriously, I just got invited to an orgy at Dr. Fauci’s.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Everyone is excited about the news while the adults who secretly got braces are like, ‘I thought I had more time.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Now I can tell all my friends, ‘Come over and hang out,’ instead of, ‘Come over and hang out, as long as we’re from no more than two different households and at least three of us are vaccinated, and also we’re just on Zoom.’” —Trevor Noah

“Now that you don’t have to have a mask outdoors or indoors, now you know if you still have trouble dating it’s your personality.” —James Corden

“Oh, hell yes! I’m finally going to watch ‘Godzilla vs. Kong’ the way it was meant to be seen — on a plane!” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My money might be offshore, but my heart's right here in America (Groundhog Day for A**holes)

May 2012

"This week the president unveiled his new campaign slogan, 'Forward.' And Mitt Romney unveiled his slogan, 'My money might be offshore, but my heart's right here in America.'" –Jay Leno

"Tomorrow's Cinco de Mayo. Cinco de Mayo, of course, celebrates the victory of the Mexican army over the French. You know, if you have to use defeating the French military as a reason to spend the day drinking, you're probably an alcoholic already." –Jay Leno

"We are learning more and more from those newly released documents from Osama bin Laden's compound. For example, it said bin Laden was not a great businessman — like when he bought a bomb the salesmen would always trick him into buying the extended warranty." –Jay Leno

"In an effort to curtail health costs, the Food and Drug Administration is now considering allowing the purchase of drugs without a prescription. You know what that means? One day Americans could actually be able to buy marijuana without ever seeing a doctor." –Jay Leno 

"More than 330 million shares of Facebook stock will be sold later this month. It's great – now you can own a piece of the website that completely owns YOU." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

That’s the same deal I have with CBS (he made all the guests climb over the fence to get in)

May 2012

"It's weird to me what Obama chose to fabricate in his memoir. It wasn't something cool he made up, like hitting six home runs in a little league game, or faking his own birth certificate. No, it was something lame. He just compressed the details of several girlfriends into one character. I'm thinking, oh, very smooth. Because if there's one thing I know that women love, it's being blurred together with other women." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama hosts an early Cinco de Mayo White House party today. I thought it was weird when he made all the guests climb over the fence to get in." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, did you guys hear about this? Last week, the brakes on President Obama's limousine were apparently damaged while he was in Georgia. Yeah, Obama tried to call AAA, while Biden tried to call the Geico gecko." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama has promised now that we'll be out of Afghanistan by 2024. That’s just right around the corner. That’s the same deal I have with CBS." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

well then, you’re fighting for the other side (this tweet has Not aged well)

“Cinco de Mayo is really handy this year, because it’s the first time I’ve been sure of the date in two months. Thanks to Cinco de Mayo, I know it’s the cinco of Mayo.” —Stephen Colbert

“But this tweet I posted last Cinco de Mayo has not aged well: ‘Happy Cinco de Mayo 2019! I can’t wait to go to a crowded bar and get some Corona in me!’” —Stephen Colbert

“Look, I don’t even understand how a public health issue like wearing a mask became so politicized, but it is really weird to me that so many of these people who refuse to wear masks claim to be proud patriots who would do anything for their country. Because right now, America is at war with the coronavirus. And if you’re going out in public without wearing a mask, well then, you’re fighting for the other side.” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Any bread can be a tortilla if you use a hammer (You may be at home, but guac is still extra)

“Well, of course Trump wouldn’t want to wear a mask somewhere stupid like a hospital.  [as Trump] I’ll only wear a mask if it’s a mask facility, same way I only eat cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory, and I only take a bath at Bed Bath & Beyond.’” — Stephen Colbert

“Today is also Cinco de Mayo. And if you’re trying to celebrate at home, here’s your quarantine Cinco de Mayo tip of the day: Any bread can be a tortilla if you use a hammer.” —Trevor Noah

“So have fun celebrating Cinco de Mayo today, but don’t forget: You may be at home, but guac is still extra.” — Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It's to keep them from being high-fived to death (The other 39 percent think he's in superhell)

"They celebrated Cinco de Mayo at the White House. In keeping with the times, President Obama whacked a giant piñata and then gave it a burial at sea." –Conan O'Brien

"Sen. John McCain met with the CEO of Twitter today. At least that's what he tried to tweet on his garage door opener." –Conan O'Brien

"The identity of the Navy Seals that killed Osama bin Laden is being kept secret. It's for their own saftey. It's to keep them from being high-fived to death." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A CNN poll showed that 61 percent of Americans think bin Laden is in hell. The other 39 percent think he's in superhell." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”