he ain't missing that (good hair and a soul)

Amazon is raising the price of its prime membership by $20. Which sounds like a lot, until you remember what it feels like to make eye contact with a cashier when you buy a 40-pack of toilet paper. --Jimmy Fallon

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced today that he is checking into rehab. He said he entered rehab this week to deal with the problem swiftly — and also because Monday is Cinco de Mayo, and he ain't missing that." –Jimmy Fallon

The royal family just announced the name of William and Kate's newborn son, Louis Arthur Charles. I guess they couldn't decide on a royal-sounding name, so they just went with all of them. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, I'm starting to think maybe it's the car that has the problem (fluffle)

"A woman got a DUI while driving a car that belongs to Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. So, I'm starting to think maybe it's the car that has the problem." –Jimmy Fallon

A new poll found that 90 percent of Native Americans aren't bothered by the controversial name of the Washington Redskins. It turns out the name Native Americans dislike the most is still the Cowboys. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true (designated drivers)

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said this week that marriage counseling is the biggest mistake he's ever made. Though unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true. --Seth Meyers

A Canadian woman was arrested for having an open container of liquor while driving Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s SUV. Although when Rob Ford’s in the car, anyone not smoking crack is legally considered a designated driver. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like "Celebrity Apprentice,” but with even worse celebrities (and because I don't live in Toronto)

Donald Trump was in Macon, Georgia, this week. Again, he suggested that CNN should pay to get him to come to the next debate. He's treating the Republican primary like it's an entertainment show and he is the star — which, let's be honest, he is kind of exactly. It's like "Celebrity Apprentice,” but with even worse celebrities. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford reiterated that he should be re-elected mayor of Toronto because he saves taxpayers money. I think he should be re-elected because he's hilarious and because I don't live in Toronto." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unless someone's taping me. Then I'll get caught probably (at least that’s what he told his wife when she walked in on them)

A man in the U.K. saved his pet tortoise by giving it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation — at least that’s what he told his wife when she walked in on them. –Jimmy Fallon

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said that he is still sober and he'll never be caught doing anything illegal ever again. Then he said, 'Unless someone's taping me. Then I'll get caught probably.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You should probably stop talking (and he ain't missing that)

A federal regulation is now requiring that airports serving over 10,000 passengers per year have an area in every terminal where pets can go to the bathroom. Or as it's called in LaGuardia, all of LaGuardia. –Jimmy Fallon

Last night, Rudy Giuliani went on Fox News and revealed that Trump knew about and paid for Stormy Daniels’ hush money. Even Kanye was like, “You should probably stop talking.”  --Jimmy Fallon

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced today that he is checking into rehab. He said he entered rehab this week to deal with the problem swiftly — and also because Monday is Cinco de Mayo, and he ain't missing that." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the first person ever to lose a conversation (maybe it's the car that has the problem)

"Former Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear together in Toronto, on Friday, for a two-hour conversation, where George Bush plans on being the first person ever to lose a conversation." --Jimmy Fallon

"A woman got a DUI while driving a car that belongs to Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. So, I'm starting to think maybe it's the car that has the problem." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In fairness, that was his first time ever meeting black people (what could possibly go right?)

Mitt Romney was in Jacksonville, Florida, and they had the big Martin Luther King Day parade there. You have to hand it to him. Even though he didn't fit in at all, he made himself right at home there. Take a look [on screen: Romney asking a group of black children 'Who let the dogs out, whoo whoo!']. Did you hear that question he asked? In fairness, that was his first time ever meeting black people." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Mike Tyson, for reasons unknown, stopped by City Hall to meet with Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. Mike Tyson and Rob Ford — what could possibly go right?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey, let me tell you something. If all you need to do to become vice president is be a former beauty queen with a tanning bed, then I'm casting my vote for Ryan Seacrest!" –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, that's my campaign slogan (he will do everything he can to knock them up)

"Apple announced the iPhone 6 today, which they say has a more durable screen that won't crack or scratch as easily. Or as your kids put it, 'Challenge accepted!' Apple promised less cracking. Then Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said, 'Hey, that's my campaign slogan.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Football started tonight with the Denver Broncos playing their first game since Peyton Manning retired. Trevor Siemian took his place and before kickoff, Peyton put his arm around Trevor's shoulder, looked into his eyes and said, "You know, starting today, you can get two medium Papa John's pizzas for $6." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new poll, Levi Johnston now has lower approval ratings than John Edwards. Levy said he is disappointed with his low approval ratings and will do everything he can to knock them up." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How can I get Canadian TV? (he's willing to take a crack at it)

"Rob Ford says he doesn't really know if he'll be a good TV host, but he's willing to take a crack at it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admitted he smoked crack while he was in office, but he's refusing to step down. Despite all this, he's announced that he'll be hosting a TV show with his brother in Canada. It raises a lot of questions, starting with, 'How can I get Canadian TV?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Dennis Rodman is back in North Korea. And now he's facing a lot of criticism over a new interview where he said that North Korea is 'not that bad.' Even Kim Jong Un was like, 'Uh, yeah, it kind of is.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, that’s the censored version (Officials first became suspicious in 1991)

The publisher of Hillary Clinton’s upcoming memoir announced today that the title of her book will be the statement “What Happened.” Well, that’s the censored version. –Seth Meyers

Snoop Dogg was arrested and released in Sweden this weekend on suspicion of using illegal drugs. Officials first became suspicious in 1991. --Seth Meyers

First lady Melania Trump announced today that her first solo international trip will be to Toronto, Canada. The purpose of her trip hasn't been announced. But I'm guessing sanctuary? –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, my record slurs for itself (Cities just aren't equipped to deal with it)

"Chris Christie warned against presidential candidates running too soon. Then earthquake experts warned Chris Christie against running at all. 'Cities just aren't equipped to deal with it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I heard that Rob Ford's nephew is planning to run for a seat on the Toronto City Council. He has an interesting campaign slogan: 'I'm adopted!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This week, our pal Rob Ford faced off against his four challengers in a debate for Toronto mayor. His opponents were, of course, pretty critical of his performance, but Ford said, 'Hey, my record slurs for itself.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait a minute, how can you can see me when I can't see you? (they were completely out of crack)

"Last night, President Bush addressed the crowd at the Republican Convention via satellite. The first ten minutes of Bush's speech consisted of him saying, 'Wait a minute, how can you can see me when I can't see you?'" --Conan O'Brien

​​"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is an entertaining fellow, the gift that keeps on giving. According to police reports, Ford once did heroin with gang members. In his defense, Ford said, 'We had to, they were completely out of crack.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A big insurance company just announced they will give $10 million to anyone who can invent a car that gets 100 miles per gallon. Meanwhile, Exxon says they'll give $11 million to anyone who kills that guy." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

I'm starting to think maybe it's the car that has the problem (I Don't Want That)

"A woman got a DUI while driving a car that belongs to Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. So, I'm starting to think maybe it's the car that has the problem." –Jimmy Fallon

"Burger King is adding a new kids' meal that's lower in fat, sodium and calories. It's called the 'I Don't Want That.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Chris Christie has really worked hard on the campaign. I heard he spent all weekend shaking hands and kissing bagels." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think he should be re-elected because he's hilarious and because I don't live in Toronto (I thought he had an exclusive deal with crack)

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford reiterated that he should be re-elected mayor of Toronto because he saves taxpayers money. I think he should be re-elected because he's hilarious and because I don't live in Toronto." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush's approval rating is not good. A new Gallup poll puts it at just 36% which is a new low for his presidency. He is just slightly more popular than herpes now." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today gang members were caught on wiretaps saying they have photos of Mayor Rob Ford doing heroin, which is weird because I thought he had an exclusive deal with crack." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And you know what’s weird, she didn’t even thank me (This is what we have been training for, people! Let's go!)

"What must it be like to work at a rehab facility and you see Toronto Mayor Rob Ford walk through the door? I can imagine: red lights start flashing, a siren goes off, someone yells, 'This is what we have been training for, people! Let's go!'" –Jimmy Kimmel

I have to say I’m very proud of myself. I made sure my wife had a great Mother’s Day. I got up early. I got up at 7 a.m. I quietly slipped out of bed. I left the house, didn’t come back until nighttime. That way she could have the whole day with the kids, just her and a 2-year-old and an infant. And you know what’s weird, she didn’t even thank me. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Dick Cheney says he feels terrible about what happened. The man he shot was his friend and if he could, he'd give him the central processing unit right out of his own heart to make up for it." --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hold my calls. This is not gonna end well (Are they still looking for a mayor in Toronto?)

"During an interview, former President George W. Bush discussed his painting hobby and said, 'Never paint your wife or your mother.' Then he added, 'Because it's almost impossible to get the paint out of their hair.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Joe Biden will assist in the 35th annual lighting of the National Menorah at the White House. When he heard that, Smokey Bear said, 'Hold my calls. This is not gonna end well.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Republican Scott Brown lost his bid for Senate in New Hampshire last night, two years after he was voted out as Senator in Massachusetts. When asked what he was planning to do next, he said, 'Are they still looking for a mayor in Toronto?'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But you know to be fair he is opposed to the idea of any kind of human pride (Rachel Maddow can connect Kevin Bacon to Russia in just two steps)

Rob Ford he's in the news he wants to take down the gay pride flag flying over the Toronto City Hall. But you know to be fair he is opposed to the idea of any kind of human pride. --Jimmy Dore 2/16/14

One hundred percent we don't live our values in this country. We live in a surveillance state. We don't value liberty or privacy. The government does whatever it wants. We say we're the home of the free. Really, home of the free? We lock up more people than any other country. The United States is five percent of the world's population, yet we have twenty five percent of the world's incarcerated population. We're the world's largest penal colony. --Jimmy Dore 7/19/19

Let me tell you something. Russia didn't make half the country poor or low income. Russia didn't render 63% of our residents unable to afford $1,000 emergency. Russia didn't make 29 million Americans not have healthcare. Russia didn't make medical costs the biggest reason for bankruptcies. Russia didn’t bury our citizens in debt, and Russia didn't outsource our jobs. --Jimmy Dore 8/29/18 

You know, Rachel Maddow can connect Kevin Bacon to Russia in just two steps. --Jimmy Dore 6/14/18

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Some Republicans are upset because it may remind voters of — President Bush (what could possibly go right?)

Sean Spicer’s out, Reince Priebus is out, Trumpcare is dead, and Kim Jong Un has a missile that can reach New York. And weirdly, I don’t feel tired from all the winning yet. –Jimmy Kimmel

"You know, a garage sale is fine, but California owes $30 billion. If we really want to make money, forget the garage sale, take some of that confiscated pot and have a bake sale." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Mike Tyson, for reasons unknown, stopped by City Hall to meet with Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. Mike Tyson and Rob Ford — what could possibly go right?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush's memoir is set to come out just in time for the midterm elections and it has some Republicans upset because it may remind voters of — President Bush. One conservative columnist called the timing of the book release 'selfish and stupid,' which, coincidentally, is also the title of the book." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I determined the buyer has a history of violence and is mentally unstable (the REAL reason Tom Brady destroyed his cell phone)

"Apple announced the iPhone 6 today, which they say has a more durable screen that won't crack or scratch as easily. Or as your kids put it, 'Challenge accepted!' Apple promised less cracking. Then Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said, 'Hey, that's my campaign slogan.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Everyone’s still talking about Donald Trump. Even Tom Brady. In an interview yesterday, Brady said that Donald Trump occasionally calls him up to give “motivational speeches.” I think we know the REAL reason Tom Brady destroyed his cell phone. –Jimmy Fallon

This morning, North Korea claimed it successfully tested its fifth and most powerful nuclear warhead. Kim Jong Un called the test a major triumph, then asked how long it takes eyebrows to grow back. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”