It’s a Chernobyl of opportunity right now (squeezing HIS balls for a change)

President Trump posted on Truth Social that he would undergo his annual physical examination at Walter Reed medical center on Friday. I bet it’s going to be an excellent report. Let me guess: his physical strength and stamina are extraordinary, his blood pressure is astonishing and he is by far the healthiest president to successfully tank the world economy overnight. I will say, after all he’s put us through, it will be nice to know that on Friday, somebody will be squeezing his balls for a change. —Jimmy Kimmel

Trump used to say, “There’s a lot of opportunity in the bad times.” And now there’s nothing but opportunity as far as the eye can see. It’s a Chernobyl of opportunity right now. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Must Sell Network Before Christmas (a glow-in-the-dark Cracker Barrel)

A 33-year-old man returning from Mexico was found to have 4.2 ounces of fentanyl in his rectum. Such. Remind me to avoid fentanyl. —Greg Gutfeld

These days MSNBC has come to stand for Must Sell Network Before Christmas. —Greg Gutfeld

So what's next for MSNBC. Well they're going to try to redefine themselves as a startup, but that's impossible because the product is nothing new and it's hopelessly contaminated. It's Radioactive. It's like closing Chernobyl, throwing on a coat of paint and reopening it as a glow-in-the-dark Cracker Barrel. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The first in space vs the first to end world hunger (he was playing in a different tree at the time)

Work has begun at Chernobyl on a giant concrete and steel arch that’s going to cover the site of the reactor that exploded in 1986. Even crazier, they want to make Mexico pay for it. –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump has stated he wants to make it easier to sue journalists. He also wants to use the Second Amendment to shoot the First Amendment. –Conan O’Brien

"A powerful storm in Washington, D.C. knocked over a 100-year-old Elm tree on the White House lawn. President Bush was not hurt because he was playing in a different tree at the time." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I had a nuclear blast at Chernobyl! (high school girlfriends)

April 2022

“There are reports that Russian soldiers stole dangerously radioactive items from Chernobyl to keep as souvenirs. Well of course you can’t go to Chernobyl and not check out the gift shop. [A radioactive tourist]: ‘Oh look hon, they have a T-shirt that says, ‘I had a nuclear blast at Chernobyl!’” —Stephen Colbert

“Marjorie Taylor Greene, who tore into me on a podcast with disgraced Republican colleague Matt Gaetz over the weekend. Gaetz called me a ‘total jerk’ whose ‘trend is to attack women’. Says the guy who’s currently under federal investigation for sex trafficking, obstructing justice, and paying for sex with a 17-year-old girl. That’s not fair at all. I make jokes about men too. I make jokes about you, in fact. Remember when I said I feel bad for you because you didn’t have a girlfriend in high school until you were 30?” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the wave was generated when Yo Mama fell overboard (Thanks for believing in the illusion)

February 2022

A man in Iran went to the hospital after he got a Double A battery stuck inside his penis. It was Double A because that’s the sound he makes when it goes in. ‘Ah! Ah!’ —Colin Jost

Researchers have observed a nearly 60 foot tall rogue wave off the coast of British Columbia which is the largest ever recorded. Researchers believe the wave was generated when Yo Mama fell overboard. —Colin Jost

One of the first places the Russians seized when they invaded Ukraine was Chernobyl. The site of the 1986 nuclear disaster. Said Ukrainians, ‘Oh, no. Don’t take that.’ —Colin Jost

Capturing Chernobyl is like landing an audition for Harvey Weinstein now. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And, well, that's what happens when you tick off gay people (How was your sleep, Mr. Bond?)

February 2014

"I guess it isn't going well over there. In fact, I heard there's even a shortage of pillows. The shortage is so bad that visitors are being asked to give their pillows to the Olympic athletes, because there's nothing more comforting than waking up in Russia to see a stranger coming at you with a pillow. 'How was your sleep, Mr. Bond?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Tomorrow night the Olympics begin from Sochi. A lot of people over there say the hotels stink. The problem is there are only three hotels in Sochi. Of course, you have the Ritz Chernobyl. You have the Sheraton Gulag. And really the best one over there, The Two Seasons." –David Letterman

"The hotels are lousy. The Olympic village is a mess. The food is horrible. And, well, that's what happens when you tick off gay people." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Said men, "Wait. That's not all one thing?" (all the Yelp reviews are just actual yelps)

President Trump has reached a deal with Mexico to reduce the number of migrants at the southern border. "No more than three," said Trump when asked how many more migrants he plans on marrying. --Seth Meyers

According to reports, the HBO miniseries "Chernobyl," about the 1980s Soviet nuclear accident, has led to a rise in tourism to the abandoned radioactive city. And, so far, all the Yelp reviews are just actual yelps. --Seth Meyers

Lawmakers in New York have introduced legislation that would prohibit companies from charging different prices for similar men's and women's products, like shampoo, conditioner, and body wash. Said men, "Wait. That's not all one thing?" --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html
“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination
of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You think that's bad, when our last President was sworn in, he was Donald Trump (Bernie Beats Trump Nationwide!)

Well, you know what they say, “Ignorance is president.” --Stephen Colbert

According to Politico, Democrats are concerned about former Vice President Joe Biden's age, because, if elected, he would be 78 years old when sworn in. You think that's bad, when our last President was sworn in, he was Donald Trump. --Seth Meyers

In honor of the upcoming season premiere of "Stranger Things," Burger King announced today that it will start selling a so-called Upside Down Whopper, and McDonald's announced that the McRib is back in honor of the HBO series "Chernobyl." --Seth Meyers

A Florida man is attempting to break a Guinness World Record by seeing "Avengers: Endgame" 200 times. And he's already set a record by seeing "Dark Phoenix" twice. That's right -- a Florida man has reportedly seen "Avengers: Endgame" 114 times. Said theater staff, "Oh, wait. Never mind. He's just dead." --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html
“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic.
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

for people who like to experience toxic wastelands and have already been to New Jersey (best-educated area in the U.S.)

"Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner has been released from the hospital after undergoing treatment for a kidney stone. He says he's recovering. Good luck, that's what he said about the economy." –Jay Leno

"Chernobyl is being opened to tourists. I guess for people who feel they’re not getting enough radiation from the body scanners. It’s the perfect destination for people who like to experience toxic wastelands and have already been to New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"According to new census data, Falls Church, Virginia is the best-educated area in the U.S. Least educated? Sarah Palin's Alaska. " –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

except the 6-foot mouse is real (God, what an ego on that guy!)

"Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real." –Conan O'Brien

"Time magazine is now ranking the best tweets of the year and, according to Time, the best tweet for 2010 was written by John McCain. Experts say it's even more impressive because McCain thought he was opening his garage door." –Conan O'Brien

"Anderson Cooper has announced that the title of his new show is just 'Anderson.' I think I speak for everyone here at 'Conan' when I say, 'God, what an ego on that guy!'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Right now 10-year-old Barron Trump is interviewing the next head of the NSA

Donald Trump’s children are helping him transition to the White House. Right now 10-year-old Barron Trump is interviewing the next head of the NSA. –Conan O’Brien

Work has begun at Chernobyl on a giant concrete and steel arch that’s going to cover the site of the reactor that exploded in 1986. Even crazier, they want to make Mexico pay for it. –Conan O’Brien

According to scientists, the moon is the closest it’s been to the Earth since 1948. Apparently, the moon is worried and wants to know what the hell is going on down here. –Conan O’Brien

How was your sleep, Mr. Bond?

"I guess it isn't going well over there. In fact, I heard there's even a shortage of pillows. The shortage is so bad that visitors are being asked to give their pillows to the Olympic athletes, because there's nothing more comforting than waking up in Russia to see a stranger coming at you with a pillow. 'How was your sleep, Mr. Bond?'" –Jimmy Fallon



"The Olympic torch arrived in Sochi yesterday, after going on a four-month relay around the world. That's when you know things are bad – when even the TORCH is putting off going to Russia." –Jimmy Fallon



"Tomorrow night the Olympics begin from Sochi. A lot of people over there say the hotels stink. The problem is there are only three hotels in Sochi. Of course, you have the Ritz Chernobyl. You have the Sheraton Gulag. And really the best one over there, The Two Seasons." –David Letterman

They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real

"Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real." –Conan O'Brien



"Time magazine is now ranking the best tweets of the year and, according to Time, the best tweet for 2010 was written by John McCain. Experts say it's even more impressive because McCain thought he was opening his garage door." –Conan O'Brien



"Not only will Condoleezza Rice testify, but President Bush has also agreed to meet with the (9/11) commission. He's going to testify, but he said he wants have Dick Cheney there with him. Why does he want Cheney with him? What? Does he have a learner's permit to be president and have to have an adult with him." —Jay Leno