How do I trade him in for Eric? (What does he have that I don’t have?)

“I’ve never seen Trump this smitten before. This is a reminder: He doesn’t work with a single cool person. He is surrounded by so many charmless goons that the first time he got to hang out with someone who had a little charisma, he swooned like he was on a date with the varsity quarterback.” — Seth Meyers

“The whole meeting Trump was, like, ‘How do I trade him in for Eric?’” — Jimmy Kimmel

“When Mamdani was asked during a meeting in the Oval Office if he still believes President Trump is a fascist, Trump told Mamdani, ‘You could just say yes, it’s easier.’ Wait, so he can call you a fascist, but when I do it, you try to get my show canceled? What — what does he have that I don’t have? Youth? Charisma? Oh, both of those.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Brady also revealed that during his career, he went through eight Gronks (the world's oldest married couple)

Tom Brady announced that his current dog is actually a clone of his previous dog who passed away two years ago. Brady also revealed that during his career, he went through eight Gronks. —Colin Jost

A husband and wife from Miami have been named the world's oldest married couple with a combined age of 216 years, which sounds really sweet until you realize the husband is 200. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, if there's one thing we know how to build, it's a wall (Shut Up vs. No, You Shut Up)

"The U.S. government has issued a warning to builders not to use Chinese drywall because they say it's defective. The Chinese government denied this and said, 'Hey, if there's one thing we know how to build, it's a wall.'" --Conan O'Brien

"People in New York are especially excited by Judge Sotomayor because she comes from the Bronx. In fact, Judge Sotomayor famously presided over the landmark New York City case, Shut Up vs. No, You Shut Up." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The working poor are the major philanthropists of our society (I've had the same pack since 1975)

"I was so drunk I walked into a gay bar. It was terrible. There were fifteen guys for every guy."--Rodney Dangerfield

"I have been trying to quit smoking. My wife and I made an agreement that we would only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack since 1975." --Rodney Dangerfield

"I drink too much. I gave the doctor a urine sample and there was an olive in it."--Rodney Dangerfield

"My mother never breastfed me. She always had a headache."--Rodney Dangerfield

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Nancy Pelosi is hoping she can recover her luggage (now I'll never be able to serve)

Defense secretary Pete Hegseth is considering banning beards in the military. Uh, now I'll never be able to serve said Rashida Tlaib. —Greg Gutfeld

A shipwreck from 1892 has been found on the bottom of Lake Superior. Nancy Pelosi is hoping she can recover her luggage. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He would have said more but he had to clear the dishes from her table (a tractor trailer carrying frozen curly fries)

In Maine, a tractor trailer carrying frozen curly fries caught fire on the highway. Crap, now I need a new tractor trailer said JB Pritzker. —Greg Gutfeld

Don Lemon told Megan Kelly to go F herself after seeing her reaction to Joy Reid's firing. He would have said more but he had to clear the dishes from her table. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Queen Elizabeth needs money so badly she’s now co-starring in the next Nicolas Cage movie (truck nuts)

It is so cold in the midwest that truck nuts have actually moved up inside the truck. --Conan O’Brien

"The royal family has reportedly burned through its money and is now strapped for cash. In fact, Queen Elizabeth needs money so badly she’s now co-starring in the next Nicolas Cage movie." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which explains the welcome gift of a case of Purell he received from his co-workers (undone faster than Kim Kardashian's bra at an NBA mini camp)

Jeffrey Toobin has joined the New York Times opinion section. Now you remember him as the CNN anchor who was caught masturbating on a zoom call. Which explains the welcome gift of a case of Purell he received from his co-workers. —Greg Gutfeld

Under Trump, all of Joe Biden’s so-called accomplishments are being undone faster than Kim Kardashian's bra at an NBA mini camp. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Does this burning city make me look fat? (Let's only hope that the sock he puts in his crotch is flame retardant)

As wildfires still wreak havoc in southern California President Biden used a briefing on the fires to brag that he's now a great grandfather. Even worse, when aides rushed him to leave he said, hey buddy where's the fire. —Greg Gutfeld   

I haven't seen this many Californians run for their lives since Cher made an appearance without her makeup. —Greg Gutfeld      

Out of concern for safety, firefighters made sure to keep Gavin Newsom far from the blaze. The last thing they need was a grease fire too. —Greg Gutfeld        

ABC's David Muir is being mocked for using clothes pins to cinch his jacket more tightly around his chest while reporting from the scene of the fire. He was also overheard asking a crew member does this burning city make me look fat. Let's only hope that the sock he puts in his crotch is flame retardant. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The working poor are the major philanthropists of our society (This is a game-changer!)

According to CNN, Anderson Cooper’s tweet yesterday calling President Trump a pathetic loser came from someone using his assistant’s phone that was left unattended at the gym. Wait a minute. You can have your assistant go to the gym for you? This is a game-changer! A game-changer! –Seth Meyers

"During the Kennedy Center Honors on Sunday, President Obama presented an award to Bruce Springsteen, saying, 'I'm the president, but he's the boss.' At which point Springsteen ordered our troops out of Afghanistan." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s not about the size of the impeachment, it’s about the friction of the conviction (LeBron should be sponsored by Kingsford lighter fluid)

“The good news for Donald Trump is that he’s only facing two charges. Although in a way, that’s also kinda sad for him, since Nixon had three articles brought against him (he resigned before they were passed), Bill Clinton had four, and Andrew Johnson had 11, which means Trump will have the smallest impeachment of all time. You know that’s going to make him insecure – he’s gonna be like, ‘It’s not about the size of the impeachment, it’s about the friction of the conviction.’” --Trevor Noah

“Yes, LeBron James is getting a lot of heat for not taking a stand against China and their oppression, with people even burning his jersey in Hong Kong. Which, by the way, if the N.B.A. kept statistics of most jerseys burned, I think LeBron would dominate that, too. Yeah, yeah, Hong Kong burned his jersey, Cleveland burned his jersey, Miami burned his jersey. Like, forget Nike: LeBron should be sponsored by Kingsford lighter fluid.” --Trevor Noah, The Daily Show

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Jeb Bush has officially become the most embarrassing member of the Bush family (which is good, it was filthy)

The Trump campaign launched what they say will be a nightly show on Facebook Live called “Trump Tower Live.” Some people believe he’s starting to build a new channel called Trump TV, which is great news — finally we get a chance to see Donald Trump on TV. –Jimmy Kimmel

The Secret Service swept our building today — which is good, it was filthy. –Jimmy Kimmel

Dr. Ben Carson, for the first time ever, leads Donald Trump in a new national poll. According to the new CBS News/New York Times poll, Carson at 26 percent, Trump is in second place with 22 percent. Jeb Bush only has 7 percent. Jeb Bush has officially become the most embarrassing member of the Bush family, even below Billy Bush. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do what you want to us, but as far as Canada goes, you leave them 'oot' (I bet he can afford groceries)

"You hate Canada? That's like saying I hate toast. It's not the kind of thing that inspires passion in either direction. I can understand why you're mad at us. We're arrogant, leading the whole War on Terror, but Canada? That's like watching 'Hannity & Colmes' and just hating Colmes. Canada opposed the war in Iraq. You're mad because you want them to withdraw troops from Afghanistan. That is so two Jihads ago. If anything, you should love Canada. Who else could cripple America with their cheap prescription drugs and talented comedians? So, terrorists pick on someone your own size. Do what you want to us, but as far as Canada goes, you leave them 'oot'" --Jon Stewart, on Al Qaeda terrorists apprehended in Canada

"Never again will Brian Williams mislead this great nation about being shot at in a war we probably wouldn’t have ended up in if the media had applied this level of scrutiny to the actual f**king war." –Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump’s dancing like nobody’s checking IDs (Time)

Well, just hours ago, President Biden won the South Carolina primary barely edging out his closest rival. Time. —Colin Jost

As you may have seen on your aunt’s Facebook, many MAGA personalities are claiming that the Super Bowl is being rigged so that Kansas City wins and Taylor Swift can come on to the field with Travis Kelce and endorse Joe Biden. MAGA people have so many enemies to keep track of, you have to hate the NFL, Taylor Swift, Bud Light, Disney, Kristen Stewart for some reason, electric stoves, windmills, the concept of rainbows, and the green M&M. And you have to think that everybody in the government is a secret pedophile except for Trump when he danced with Jeffrey Epstein. I mean, isn’t that the happiest you’ve ever seen Trump? Trump’s dancing like nobody’s checking IDs. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Christ, how did I end up driving a minivan? (take it down a notch)

Donald Trump is reportedly having multiple disagreements with his Defense Secretary pick, James "Mad Dog" Mattis. You know you’re in trouble when a guy named Mad Dog is telling you to take it down a notch. –Conan O’Brien

Later this month, Google will be testing its new self-driving minivans. The vehicles can do all the functions of a human driver, except wonder, "Christ, how did I end up driving a minivan?" –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A lion walks up to a zebra and says... (3%)

A lion walks up to a zebra and says,

"Hey zebra! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You're black, you're white, you're half mule

and half donkey.

Look at me. I'm lean and I'm mean.

I'm King of the Jungle!"

The zebra shrugs off the insult and walks on...

The lion then comes upon a giraffe and says,

"Hey, giraffe! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You gotta long neck and tiny antlers on the top

of your head!

Look at me. I'm lean and I'm mean.

I'm King of the Jungle!"

Finally, the lion comes upon a frog and says,

"Hey, frog! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You're green and you're slimy.."

Before the lion could finish his next sentence

the frog says,

"Screw you! I've been sick!"

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She's not really a master debater (They got money for war)

"Did you watch the debate with Christine O'Donnell, you know, the anti-self pleasuring, witchy candidate in Delaware? She wasn't that good though. She's not really a master debater.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Did you go and see the 'Avatar' movie? The 3-D blockbuster has now made one billion dollars. Today, the auto industry issued a statement. They'd like to remind people that all their cars are in 3-D." –Craig Ferguson

"And starting today, we get the swine flu vaccination. Doctors are set to receive the vaccination first, because they're the only ones who can still afford to go see the doctor." --Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

would a nice man… (poem by John Hulse)

would a nice man…

let’s just say we are not even talking about Joe Biden,

let’s just say, ‘a ultra successful man’

a man with a $10,000 Watch on his wrist

kind of a man,

strolls past a distressed man on the pavement,

holding a sign that reads,

‘Please help! Family starving. If 

ONE of my balding tires go flat,

I have no way to get to my job.

A job that pays $9.25 an hour.

My family will end up living

in that car.

A car that’s NOT going anywhere.’

It was some sign, that sign.

So, as Mr. $10,000 Watch comes upon

the desperate man, 

suddenly $600 appeared before the

desperate man, his eyes opening wide,

his salivary glands juicing,

anticipating the food that he could finally

put in his and his loved one’s bellies,

as the desperate man leans forward,

exhausted, for the cash, for that $600,

out of nowhere, Mr.  $10,000 Watch

swoops down with a BIG F*** You,

and snatches the cash right up

without even a backward glance.

Now, the moral of this little story, is if

this happened, and I wasn’t talking about

Joe Biden, 

would Mr.  $10,000 Watch ever be considered

a ‘Nice Man’ or 'Someone I Respect?’

But in all honesty…

Wait?What??

Ok. Who's here? 

WTF.

Gone.

Forgotten.?

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”