I just hope he never gets into politics (Rampage)

Last night Villanova beat Michigan to win the men’s college basketball

tournament. We had about 75 people in our office pool and one of our

producers, Gina, won it. She beat everybody. So I asked her today, "On

a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you follow college basketball?" She said,

"Zero." That's how it goes. You know nothing and you win. Like being

president in a way. --Jimmy Kimmel

We are all in very good hands if there's an earthquake tonight because

Dwayne Johnson is here. The Rock is promoting a new movie called

"Rampage," which is based on either the classic video game or what

happens when the president runs out of McNuggets. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He is also worried he doesn’t have time to learn the language (Man, even I’m not that insecure)

It’s been reported that President Trump is so worried about protests that he is postponing his upcoming trip to England. Trump is also worried he doesn’t have time to learn the language. –Conan O’Brien

President Trump held a Cabinet meeting today in which each Cabinet member took turns praising the president. After hearing this, Kim Jong Un said, “Man, even I’m not that insecure.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Great news if you've ever dreamed of one day owning a Big Mac (The tough part is getting your mom to hold still)

Door Dash will soon allow customers to pay for food deliveries in several installments. Great news if you've ever dreamed of one day owning a Big Mac. —Greg Gutfeld 

According to one nutritionist the best way to lose weight is to eat like a baby. The tough part is getting your mom to hold still. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Get ready to start hunting Swedish meatballs (screaming into an empty McMuffin)

“I never thought I’d live in a time where there’d be surge pricing on eggs. This is going to be a tough Easter, kids. Get ready to start hunting Swedish meatballs.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Can you imagine if Joe Biden was still president and there weren’t any eggs in the store? Trump would be screaming into an empty McMuffin right now.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Where do I know that guy from... (Drapetomania)

President Trump actually has two cell phones that his staff nicknamed “Trump One” and “Trump Two.” Sounds a little like something out of a Dr. Seuss book. Trump wrote his own Dr. Seuss book about himself. We got a copy. Check this out [shows illustrated book]. It says, “The day was beginning, I rolled up my sleeves, I put on my tie that goes past my knees. Too cold to go out, too hyper to snooze, so I sat in the house and binge-watched Fox News. I ate some McDonald’s, I ate KFC, I ate more McDonald’s and more KFC. I went to the doctor, he said everything’s fine. But even I doubt I weigh 239.” --Jimmy Fallon

And it seems like there's no end in sight to the shutdown. You can tell Trump's desperate to get money for his wall, 'cause earlier today, he proposed to Jeff Bezos. --Jimmy Fallon

But this morning, Eric Trump went on “Fox & Friends” and passionately defended his father. While at home, the president was like, “Where do I know that guy from...” --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

However, his wife's vote can be overruled by a simple majority of his mistresses (I'm Lovin' It)

"Herman Cain is scheduled to make a big announcement tomorrow. He says if his wife wants him to quit the race, he will quit the race. However, his wife's vote can be overruled by a simple majority of his mistresses." –Craig Ferguson

"Not such a great day for health care reform. The so-called public option died on the Senate floor today. It could have survived, but apparently it had a pre-existing condition." –Craig Ferguson

"Police in Texas seized thousands of ecstasy tablets with pictures of Obama's face on them. Drug dealers chose Obama because the pills make you feel hope and change and then send you off to a faraway place." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hold my calls. This is not gonna end well (I call it my daily doobie)

"Joe Biden will assist in the 35th annual lighting of the National Menorah at the White House. When he heard that, Smokey Bear said, 'Hold my calls. This is not gonna end well.'" –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that marijuana use among people over 65 has gone up 250 percent in recent years. One woman said, "I like to smoke up before watching 'Jeopardy!' I call it my daily doobie." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He narrowly beat the second-place finisher, a gun wearing a cowboy hat (Extra Dickles)

Donald Trump won yesterday’s Arizona Republican primary with almost 50 percent of the vote. He narrowly beat the second-place finisher, a gun wearing a cowboy hat. –Seth Meyers

Actress Cynthia Nixon today announced her bid to run for New York governor, and she debuted her campaign slogan, “Nixon 2018: No Relation.” --Seth Meyers

The manager at a Sonic restaurant in Mississippi recently posted a message asking customers not to smoke weed in the drive-thru. Meanwhile Taco Bell offered them a light. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Also erupting for the first time since 1984, your aunt watching Yellowstone (So caution. Wet floor.)

December 2022

Hawaii’s Mauna Loa, the worlds largest active volcano began erupting for the first time since 1984. Also erupting for the first time since 1984, your aunt watching Yellowstone. —Colin Jost

The World Health Organization is changing the name of Monkeypox to M Pox due to the concerns that the original could be considered racist, which I didn’t really think was an issue. But now I’m just wondering what the N in N95? —Colin Jost

Law enforcement departments in six European countries arrested nearly 50 drug traffickers who were running a cocaine Super Cartel. And do you know what made the cartel really super? Friendship. —Colin Jost

A woman in Atlanta gave birth to her baby in a McDonald’s. So caution. Wet floor. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He celebrated by eating a Happy Meal at McDonald's, on a date with Stormy Daniels (chopped nuts)

Finally, a bakery in Tennessee has started selling cakes to celebrate successful vasectomy operations. And this is insensitive -- it has chopped nuts. --Seth Meyers

Before taking questions from reporters today, President Trump brushed dandruff off French President Emmanuel Macron's shoulder, and said, "We have to make him perfect." Then Macron returned the favor by putting a bag over Trump's head. --Seth Meyers

A new poll has found that 86% of Americans said that it’s important that the president be loyal to their spouse. Said Melania, “No, seriously, I’m good.” --Seth Meyers

It's not often that a single event sums up an entire presidency, but on Friday, we got one that came pretty close. Remember, Trump brags that he only hires the best people, calls the Russia investigation a hoax, calls CNN fake news, and his government shutdown left FBI agents without pay. So it was especially ironic when one of Trump's closest associates was arrested by unpaid FBI agents working for the special counsel in the Russia investigation, and the whole thing was caught on tape by CNN. The only way that could have been more humiliating for Trump is if Robert Mueller celebrated by eating a Happy Meal at McDonald's, on a date with Stormy Daniels. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Bush was going to include a painting of bin Laden, but he couldn't find it (Even I don't have weapon as destructive as McRib)

"The big news is that yesterday David Letterman announced that he is retiring from 'The Late Show' in 2015. I couldn't believe it. And neither could my parents. They said, 'Guess we'll have to start watching YOU now.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"George W. Bush will open an art exhibit at his presidential library that will feature portraits he painted of various world leaders. He was going to include a painting of bin Laden, but he couldn't find it." –Jimmy Fallon

"McDonald's announced that it has closed its three restaurants in Crimea because of the tension in the region. Then Putin said, 'Is good to hear. Even I don't have weapon as destructive as McRib.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama invited the U.S. Olympic team to the White House yesterday to congratulate them on their performance in Sochi. Of course it got awkward when Biden told the biathletes, 'I won't rest until all you guys can get married.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan just released his budget proposal for 2015. Of course, a lot of people are criticizing it. For example, during a speech yesterday President Obama referred to the budget as a 'stinkburger' and a 'meanwich.' Ryan called Obama immature, while Chris Christie called to see if he had any more of those stinkburgers or meanwiches." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

America is perfectly happy to stay home and frack ourselves blind (Another unpaid job for Superman)

March 2022

“And luckily America produces a lot of its own oil. There’s Texas, there’s Alaska, there’s Rudy Giuliani, but it’s still not enough.” —Trevor Noah

“Like, if this keeps up, the next ‘Fast and Furious’ movie will take place on public transportation.” —Trevor Noah

“Meanwhile, in the battle, McDonald’s and Starbucks are cutting ties with Russia, both announcing they would temporarily close all locations in the country. No Starbucks, no McDonald’s — that’s a sad life to live. And no pick-me-up in the morning, no Happy Meals — or, as they call them in Russia, meals.” —Trevor Noah

“Yes. Russia just became a ‘no fry zone.’” —Stephen Colbert

“As a response to Russia’s escalation of bombings in Ukraine, Joe Biden banned all Russian imports of oil and gas to the US. Take that, Vlad! America doesn’t need your klepto-crude! America is perfectly happy to stay home and frack ourselves blind.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Shut up, we need this! (Friend of yours?)

The world’s most expensive Lego brick, made out of 14 karat gold, just sold online for $15,000. The new owner says he’s pleased to add it to his collection and it just got vacuumed up by his mom. –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump went on a tour of the African American Museum with Ben Carson. Things got awkward at each exhibit, when Trump would turn to Carson and say, “Friend of yours?” –Jimmy Fallon

"On Saturday, Sarah Palin looked at notes written on her hand during a speech at the Tea Party Convention in Tennessee. Isn't that wild? Oddly enough, she was reading, 'Hi, I'm Sarah Palin.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Well, you guys, McDonald's shamrock shake is back. Some people said, "Eh, it's a little early." While Americans are like, "Shut up, we need this!" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That statement worked out well for Marie Antoinette, didn’t it? (The two classes are coming together)

"In a big meeting of the Republican National Committee, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal told the GOP to 'stop being the stupid party.' Then Texas Governor Rick Perry gave the rebuttal." –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney said he is not concerned with the very poor. That statement worked out well for Marie Antoinette, didn’t it?” –Jay Leno

“This week, Mitt Romney went to a McDonald's restaurant to show that he's a normal American... just a regular guy. You can tell he hasn't spent a lot of time there. Like when he walked in, he asked to see the maitre d'.” –Jay Leno

“Donald Trump has now endorsed Mitt Romney. Imagine that, a billionaire reaching out to a millionaire. The two classes are coming together.” –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's a huge improvement over its original name, parade of regrets (even I doubt I weigh 239)

Facebook launched its year in review feature, which brings up some of your top Facebook photos from the past year. It should be a huge improvement over its original name, parade of regrets. –Jimmy Fallon

Remember the kid whose parents said he floated away in a balloon as a hoax in 2009? Well, Balloon Boy has officially endorsed Donald Trump for president. He was like, “What can I say, I'm prone to getting carried away by hot air.” –Jimmy Fallon

"The Israeli army is planning to give its soldiers special new socks that can be worn for two weeks straight without smelling. In other words, they created the socks my college roommate thought he had." –Jimmy Fallon

"Voters in Switzerland will decide next month if animals should have the right to be represented by lawyers in court. If they approve it, it will finally clear the way for the long-awaited lawsuit of 'cat vs. string.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Trump actually has two cell phones that his staff nicknamed “Trump One” and “Trump Two.” Sounds a little like something out of a Dr. Seuss book. Trump wrote his own Dr. Seuss book about himself. We got a copy. Check this out [shows illustrated book]. It says, “The day was beginning, I rolled up my sleeves, I put on my tie that goes past my knees. Too cold to go out, too hyper to snooze, so I sat in the house and binge-watched Fox News. I ate some McDonald’s, I ate KFC, I ate more McDonald’s and more KFC. I went to the doctor, he said everything’s fine. But even I doubt I weigh 239.” --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

rehabilitating his image by singing Shake Your Groove Thing dressed as a pineapple (and extra dickles)

February 2022

“Former Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani was unmasked during a recent taping of the reality show The Masked Singer. The guy who’s trying to destroy our country? He’s singing on a show! How does this even happen? I mean, a lot of people at Fox had to sign off on this – not one of them was like, ‘Hey maybe we shouldn’t have the guy who’s under investigation for helping to plot an insurrection singing on our show?’ Why would Rudy even agree to do this? Was he thinking he was going to the Masked Singer Landscaping Company? Do you remember Giuliani’s infamous appearance at Four Seasons Total Landscaping in November 2020? Only Rudy Giuliani would try to overthrow the government, break wind loudly in court, sweat hair dye all over one press conference, have another one next to a dildo store, and then try to rehabilitate his image by singing Shake Your Groove Thing dressed as a pineapple.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“As for the network that cast Giuliani for the show – Fox Network really should be ashamed of themselves. They should have another show after The Masked Singer that night called The Masked Executives – all the Fox executives come out in costumes. The one who greenlit this idea takes off the mask and gets voted off television forever.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“How does this even happen? I mean, a lot of people at Fox had to sign off on this. Not one of them was like, ‘Hey, maybe we shouldn’t have the guy who is under investigation for helping to plot an insurrection singing on our show’?” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The only people who should be unmasking Rudy Giuliani is the gang from ‘Scooby Doo,’ you know?” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the orangutan escaped his enclosure (on a date with Stormy Daniels)

It's not often that a single event sums up an entire presidency, but on Friday, we got one that came pretty close. Remember, Donald Trump brags that he only hires the best people, calls the Russia investigation a hoax, calls CNN fake news, and his government shutdown left FBI agents without pay. So it was especially ironic when one of Trump's closest associates was arrested by unpaid FBI agents working for the special counsel in the Russia investigation, and the whole thing was caught on tape by CNN. The only way that could have been more humiliating for Trump is if Robert Mueller celebrated by eating a Happy Meal at McDonald's, on a date with Stormy Daniels. --Seth Meyers

Officials at a South Carolina zoo say an orangutan briefly escaped his enclosure on Monday, but then returned to his pen. Incidentally “the orangutan escaped his enclosure” is Secret Service code for when Trump shows up at a policy briefing. --Seth Meyers

A new poll has found that 86% of Americans said that it’s important that the president be loyal to their spouse. Said Melania, “No, seriously, I’m good.” --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who wants to see a quarter-pounder with two McNuggets? (So at least he went out with dignity)

September 2013

"Syria is now saying they will agree to give up their chemical weapons if Miley Cyrus agrees to give up whatever it is she is doing." –David Letterman

"Last week Americans viewed 12 times as many stories about Miley Cyrus as they did about Syria. Which is why last night President Obama gave his speech on Syria while rubbing up against Robin Thicke." –Conan O’Brien

"I'm a little bummed out because it looks like the Anthony Weiner madness is finally over. It was so good for talk show hosts, one of the best things that ever happened. As he drove away from reporters, he gave them the finger. So at least he went out with dignity. That's the important thing." –Conan O'Brien

"On his way to his concession speech last night, Anthony Weiner avoided the media by ducking into a McDonalds. Then he created a scene there by saying, 'Who wants to see a quarter-pounder with two McNuggets?'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think the Mayan calendar is becoming too commercialized, don't you? (two states legalizing weed)

December 2012

"Mitt Romney met Manny Pacquiao just before Pacquiao lost his boxing match to Juan Manuel Marquez. Afterwards, Romney told Pacquiao, 'You lost for the same reason I did – young Hispanics.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney, Snooki, and Steven Seagal were all spotted at the boxing match. The whole crowd was made up of people we won't remember in three years." – Conan O'Brien

"Today Wal-Mart announced that on apocalypse day they will open at midnight. I think the Mayan calendar is becoming too commercialized, don't you?" –David Letterman

"Did you see the big fight this weekend? It was the first time that Manny Pacquiao got knocked out. Mitt Romney came by to meet him and he actually said, 'Hello, Manny. I ran for president. I lost.' If that is not the world's worst pep talk, I don't know what is." –Jimmy Kimmel

"McDonald's reported today that it had better than expected sales in the month of November. Executives credit the success to increased advertising, new menu items, and two states legalizing weed." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”