And it wasn't easy for her to say that, because at the time, she was biting a cinder block in half (No, thank you. Not interested)

Republican presidential hopeful Chris Christie said this weekend that he would rather jump off the Brooklyn Bridge than be in Congress. And just to be safe, Mayor de Blasio issued a tsunami warning for Lower Manhattan. –Seth Meyers

Researchers have begun collecting data to develop a pill that will allow users to experience the benefits of exercise without having to work out. Said Americans, "So I have to get up, get a glass of water, unscrew the pill cap? No, thank you. Not interested." –Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton said this weekend that the record turnout for Bernie Sanders’ rallies is great for the Democratic Party. And it wasn't easy for her to say that, because at the time, she was biting a cinder block in half. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that, too. And make me clean it up (The loser keeps Hasselhoff)

"The CEO of BP Tony Hayward didn't take any questions after his White House meeting today. Probably a good thing. He's great at destroying ecosystems, but not so great at talking. Hayward has said: 'No one wants this thing over more than I do. I'd like my life back.' Tony, I'm so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that, too. And make me clean it up." –Craig Ferguson

Huge white flags were placed on top of the Brooklyn Bridge. And late this afternoon, word came from the FBI that the New York Mets have surrendered.—Craig Ferguson

"The U.S. is scheduled to play Germany soon at the World Cup. President Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel already have a bet going. The loser keeps Hasselhoff." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And if that sounds like a good excuse to you, try it on your girlfriend (the nation's largest ever gathering of misspelled signs)

"Mitt Romney on Tuesday once again tried to distance himself from his infamous 47 percent comments, saying, 'the words that came out were not what I meant.' And if that sounds like a good excuse to you, try it on your girlfriend." –Seth Meyers

"The tea party nation announced last week that Sarah Palin will headline what is being called the first national tea party convention in February. It is expected to be the nation's largest ever gathering of misspelled signs." –Seth Meyers

Republican presidential hopeful Chris Christie said this weekend that he would rather jump off the Brooklyn Bridge than be in Congress. And just to be safe, Mayor de Blasio issued a tsunami warning for Lower Manhattan. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If it's green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel (She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's)

Queen Elizabeth's horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's. —Craig Ferguson

So remember, horses, when it comes to drugs, just say Neigh. —Craig Ferguson

"Actually, when the voting's done to elect a new Pope, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it's white smoke, they've agreed on a Pope. If it's black smoke, no decision has been made. If it's green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel." –Craig Ferguson

These huge white flags were placed on top of the Brooklyn Bridge. And late this afternoon, word came from the FBI that the New York Mets have surrendered.—Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How about giving your employees a raise, you deluded nitwit? (Who left the bag of idiots open?)

April 2014

"Obamacare hit its numbers. Despite all the initial problems, Healthcare.gov surpassed the enrollment goal, over 7 million. Now the Republicans are saying that they're going to repeal the Internet." –Bill Maher

"Billionaire Sheldon Adelson had a little party in Vegas this weekend to audition Republican presidential candidates, and they all came to kiss his ass: Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, John Kasich. Chris Christie came, and while he was in Vegas he went over to the New York, New York hotel and shut down traffic on the miniature Brooklyn Bridge." –Bill Maher

"Game of Thrones returns this weekend on HBO. I'm sure you know it as a magical fantasy where you're never quite sure who's going to live or die. Or maybe I'm thinking of Paul Ryan's budget." –Bill Maher

"50 years ago, America's biggest employer was General Motors, where workers made the modern equivalent of $50 dollars an hour. Today, America's biggest employer is Walmart, where the average wage is $8 dollars an hour. And Walmart released their annual report this month, and in it was the fact that most of what Walmart sells is food. And most of their customers need food stamps to pay for it. Meanwhile, Walmart's owners are so absurdly rich that one of them, Alice Walton, spent over a billion dollars building an art museum in Bentonville, Arkansas, 500 miles away from the nearest person who ever would want to look at art. And she said about it, 'For years I've been thinking about what we can do as a family that can really make a difference.' How about giving your employees a raise, you deluded nitwit?" –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Charlie Sheen to define monogamy (giant green water whore)

"Adding insult to injury, one of the reasons New York's funding was cut is that, according to Homeland Security's analysis of potential terror targets, the number of New York's national icons and monuments is zero. In the report, the Brooklyn Bridge -- the world's first steel wire suspension bridge -- was classified merely as a 'bridge.' The Empire State building is referred to simply as 'tall office building.' And as for the Statue of Liberty, the Department of Homeland Security has recently classified her as 'a giant, green water whore.'" --Jon Stewart

"Bill Clinton is writing a book designed to encourage Americans to become more active in their communities. Clinton's book is called 'Don't Just Lay There.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Senate has rejected the gay marriage ban. When you think about it, do you really want Congress defining marriage? That's like asking Charlie Sheen to define monogamy." --Jay Leno

a giant, green water whore (Omaha bin Laden)

"Let's begin tonight right here in New York, New York. The city's so nice, it was attacked by international terrorists twice. So naturally, last week, the Department of Homeland Security announced a cut in anti-terrorism grants to New York and Washington, D.C. by 40%. Now to some, cutting anti-terror money to the two cities that have already suffered major terrorist attacks might sound, I don't know, insane. So, if New York's funding is being slashed, where is all the money going? Apparently, it's being used to boost the defense budgets of terrorist hot spots like Charlotte, Louisville and Omaha, Nebraska. Apparently, Homeland Security distributes the terror funds on the basis of what item your city has the world's largest ball of. Now, I can understand the concern over Omaha. That city is of course under constant threat from renowned Midwestern terrorist Omaha bin Laden." --Jon Stewart

"Adding insult to injury, one of the reasons New York's funding was cut is that, according to Homeland Security's analysis of potential terror targets, the number of New York's national icons and monuments is zero. In the report, the Brooklyn Bridge -- the world's first steel wire suspension bridge -- was classified merely as a 'bridge.' The Empire State building is referred to simply as 'tall office building.' And as for the Statue of Liberty, the Department of Homeland Security has recently classified her as 'a giant, green water whore.'" --Jon Stewart

at the time, she was biting a cinder block in half

Hillary Clinton said this weekend that the record turnout for Bernie Sanders’ rallies is great for the Democratic Party. And it wasn't easy for her to say that, because at the time, she was biting a cinder block in half. –Seth Meyers

Republican presidential hopeful Chris Christie said this weekend that he would rather jump off the Brooklyn Bridge than be in Congress. And just to be safe, Mayor de Blasio issued a tsunami warning for Lower Manhattan. –Seth Meyers

Researchers have begun collecting data to develop a pill that will allow users to experience the benefits of exercise without having to work out. Said Americans, "So I have to get up, get a glass of water, unscrew the pill cap? No, thank you. Not interested." –Seth Meyers

Someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's

These huge white flags were placed on top of the Brooklyn Bridge. And late this afternoon, word came from the FBI that the New York Mets have surrendered.—Craig Ferguson

Happy birthday to England's Prince George, who turns 1 today. The prince’s first birthday party was a little different. His bouncy castle was an actual castle. And the pony rides were on Camilla. —Craig Ferguson

Queen Elizabeth's horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's. —Craig Ferguson