the baby on the Pampers box (picking up a fresh load of spices from the new world)

Martha Stewart has replaced Sydney Sweeney in the new American Eagle denim campaign. And in related news, Joe Biden has replaced the baby on the Pampers box. —Greg Gutfeld

The country's largest warship, the USS Gerald R. Ford, is now sailing into the Caribbean due to escalating tensions between Trump and Venezuela. Meanwhile, the USS Biden is picking up a fresh load of spices from the new world. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Obama is soft on poultry (Martha Stewart's personal lemon zester)

"Bill Clinton is going to appear in a movie, he has a small part in a movie called the Hangover 2. George W. Bush also next year will be seen in the new Jackass movie." –David Letterman

"On Friday, President Obama pardoned the White House turkey. Mmm-boy. Dick Cheney didn't miss an opportunity. He claimed that Obama is soft on poultry." –David Letterman

"You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and Kim Jong Un had him executed. I remember the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart's personal lemon zester." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And I think you know that a guy really cares when he tweets from his yacht (Martha Stewart's personal lemon zester)

"People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony

Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. In his

defense, Tony twittered that the oil spill was still his top

priority. And I think you know that a guy really cares when

he tweets from his yacht." –David Letterman

"You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and Kim Jong Un had him executed. I remember the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart's personal lemon zester." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m gonna see like 10 plays this year (Nah, I'm good)

A new study has found that when romantic partners hold hands while in pain, their brain waves can sync and decrease that pain. "Nah, I'm good," said Melania. --Seth Meyers

It was reported today that Martha Stewart will team up with the world's largest legal-marijuana producer to develop a new line of cannabis products. And her next cookbook is just gonna be a bunch of takeout menus stapled together. --Seth Meyers

“Just two weeks ago, Trump claimed the US had only 15 cases and dropping ‘close to zero’. He could not have been more wrong. Close to zero is an insane thing to say when you’re on the brink of a disease outbreak. That should be emblazoned in history as the worst presidential prediction since Abraham Lincoln said, ‘I’m gonna see like 10 plays this year.’” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart's personal lemon zester (Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game)

"You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and Kim Jong Un had him executed. I remember the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart's personal lemon zester." –David Letterman

"Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is write you a ticket. Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Her next cookbook is just gonna be a bunch of takeout menus stapled together (Keep that sh*t up)

It was reported today that Martha Stewart will team up with the world's largest legal-marijuana producer to develop a new line of cannabis products. And her next cookbook is just gonna be a bunch of takeout menus stapled together. --Seth Meyers

A food-delivery man was recently arrested after allegedly dipping his testicles into a container of salsa that a customer ordered because he was only tipped 89 cents. Police became suspicious when the man yelled, "Oh, my balls! Oh! Oh, my balls! Oh, I hope someone orders hummus." --Seth Meyers

Donald Trump described North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un as “quite a character.” Quite a character? He's one of the most brutal dictators in the world, and you're talking about him like he's Dwight from "The Office." Meyers as Trump, "This guy, let me tell you, loves his beets. Loves them. Also killed thousands." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

On the bright side every night is ladies night (I never thought I'd be this eager to put my pants on)

President Clinton is expected to be released from the hospital and he'll be allowed to go home. Clinton was excited about it and said I never thought I'd be this eager to put my pants on. --Conan O’Brien 9/10/2004

Martha Stewart is being investigated on possible insider trading charges. I think Martha might be guilty because today on her program she showed viewers how to make license plates. --Conan O’Brien June, 2002

Bill Clinton's presidential library opened yesterday and it costs $7 to get in. On the bright side every night is ladies night. --Conan O’Brien 11/9/2004

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I remember the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart's personal lemon zester (Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game)

"You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and Kim Jong Un had him executed. I remember the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart's personal lemon zester." –David Letterman

"Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is write you a ticket. Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game." –David Letterman

"New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we're down to 2 million. You know what that means? We lose four electoral votes." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Martha Stewart’s friend and the headphones guy (The big hits, the long draws)

February 2022

“Two legends of hardcore gangsta rap, or as the kids today call them: Martha Stewart’s friend and the headphones guy.” — Stephen Colbert on Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre

“But as always, the star of the game was the commercials, and this year a ton of them were pushing crypto. Coinbase aired a spot with a floating magenta QR code, Larry David shilled for FTX, and a crypto.com ad featured LeBron James advising his younger self to learn more about the site. If he really wants to look out for young LeBron, tell him to avoid Space Jam 2.” —Stephen Colbert 

“But it really was quite a game. The big hits, the long draws, and that was just Snoop right before the halftime show.” —James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The velocities with which their knees hit the floor (while some senators are saying that's the point)

June 2013

"Edward Snowden is the guy who leaked all of the NSA secrets. He had a 98-minute press conference today and yet they can't find the guy. This is the biggest manhunt since Martha Stewart started online dating." –David Letterman

"Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the guy who made 'Death to America' a popular slogan. Now his successor, a moderate guy named Rohani, doesn't believe in death to America. He believes in lingering illness to America." –David Letterman

"The Senate's new immigration bill is apparently more than a thousand pages long and weighs 24 pounds. Some critics say the bill is too long for the average American to read before it's approved, while some senators are saying that's the point." –Jimmy Fallon

"The immigration bill is more than a thousand pages long. That doesn't sound like an immigration bill. That sounds like a menu at The Cheesecake Factory." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, that would be great if I had a job (They're like Martha Stewart)

May 2013

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had stomach surgery so he won't be so big. His family gave him a choice. They said, 'Look, you either have that surgery or get your own ZIP code.'" –David Letterman

"Governor Christie is now saying that his decision had nothing to do with 2016, which by the way is his cholesterol." –David Letterman

"Cicadas are back, and there are going to be trillions of them. Cicadas mate once every 17 years. They're like Martha Stewart." –David Letterman

"The stock market is at an all-time high. People at home are saying, 'Well, that would be great if I had a job.'" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Why alien abductions happen only at night (if only there was some way to mellow that guy out)

May 2013

"A man arrested for shooting at the White House says he was upset over U.S. marijuana laws. Man, if only there was some way to mellow that guy out." –Stephen Colbert

"Here’s the week’s only good news: Anthony Weiner is running for mayor of New York City. He announced it earlier today in his underpants." –David Letterman

"Martha Stewart signs with Match.com to find her Mr. Right. She's getting tips from the CEO there. Wait, isn't that insider dating?" –David Letterman

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in trouble. He was arrested this week for threatening to expose some sensitive government secrets. And you can tell it's serious. His bail was set at 200 goats." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Would the prosecution please slather themselves in honey mustard and approach the bench? (the rabble is supposed to stay home)

February 2021

“The ongoing pandemic, its requisite social isolation and an uncertain economic environment have contributed to a real phenomenon of pandemic paranoia, according to experts. But that’s not paranoia, that’s normal human fear. If you cry at a birthday party when the clown comes out, that’s a phobia. If you’re one of the kids in It, it’s reasonable to avoid the sewer system.” —Stephen Colbert

“Also feeding the paranoia? Disinformation, such as the election fraud conspiracies and lies undergirding the January 6th assault of the US Capitol. To understand the root of the deadly riot, which killed five Capitol police officers, injured dozens more and threatened the lives of lawmakers, the Senate held investigative hearings on Tuesday. It was a dubious investigation, since the questioners included the Missouri senator Josh Hawley and the Texas senator Ted Cruz, who both supported challenging the certification of Joe Biden’s electoral victory. That’s like having a cannibalism trial presided over by Judge Hannibal Lecter. [Colbert as Hannibal Lecter] ‘Would the prosecution please slather themselves in honey mustard and approach the bench?’” —Stephen Colbert

“And beyond a lack of resources, there’s distrust of government medical advice rooted in decades of racist mistreatment, from pseudoscience to non-consensual medical research. This is why so many black people are suspicious of the medical community, because that community has betrayed them again, and again, and again. And you’re not gonna trust people who’ve betrayed you that many times – unless you’re Mike Pence. But unfortunately, this mistrust actually hurts black people, because these vaccines are safe. Believe me on this – white people would never let Martha Stewart get one if it was dangerous.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's straight marriage he's not so excited about (Build-a-Bear Workshop)

"The unemployment rate went up last month for the first time since November. But on the bright side, I hear a senior management position just opened up at al-Qaida." –Jimmy Fallon 

"President Obama will be doing an interview with '60 Minutes,' and Michelle Obama will be doing an interview with Martha Stewart. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden will be doing an interview with a panda he made at Build-a-Bear Workshop." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Bill Clinton says he now supports gay marriage. It's straight marriage he's not so excited about." –Craig Ferguson

"It turns out that Osama bin Laden was living in a mansion with his youngest wife. So if we hadn't killed him, his oldest wife would have." –Conan O'Brien 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It's almost as if it works or something (Oh, my balls!)

It was reported today that Martha Stewart will team up with the world's largest legal-marijuana producer to develop a new line of cannabis products. And her next cookbook is just gonna be a bunch of takeout menus stapled together. --Seth Meyers

A food-delivery man was recently arrested after allegedly dipping his testicles into a container of salsa that a customer ordered because he was only tipped 89 cents. Police became suspicious when the man yelled, "Oh, my balls! Oh! Oh, my balls! Oh, I hope someone orders hummus." --Seth Meyers

Lawmakers in North Carolina are considering a bill that would change the standard for a failing grade in public schools from anything less than 59% to anything lower than 39%. Said North Carolina students, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! 39 is less than 59?" --Seth Meyers

Victoria's Secret announced yesterday it will be closing more than 50 of its North American stores this year. "But where will I go when I want new ones?", said Leonardo DiCaprio about his girlfriends. --Seth Meyers

Republican Representative Jim Jordan claimed today that Michael Cohen is only speaking out against President Trump because he is upset he was not given a job in the White House. Because everyone knows that getting a job in the White House can be a solid source of income for weeks. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

which explains why President Bush's codename is pizza delivery boy (Whose fears are unfounded?)

Martha Stewart is being investigated on possible insider trading charges. I think Martha might be guilty because today on her program she showed viewers how to make license plates. --Conan O’Brien June, 2002

US News and World Report magazine claims that members of the Secret Service regularly watch porno on the White House satellite system. Which it which explains why President Bush's codename is pizza delivery boy. --Conan O’Brien June, 2002

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Martha Stewart carved her Thanksgiving turkey with a shiv (a Happy Endings meal)

Today is Yom Kippur. Yom Kippur, the day the Jewish people asked for forgiveness for Barry Manilow. --Conan O’Brien 9/24/2004

It was Thanksgiving yesterday. It actually was a historic day. For the first time ever yesterday Martha Stewart carved her Thanksgiving turkey with a shiv. --Conan O’Brien 11/26/2004

The Playboy website is going to feature a nude photo spread of McDonald's employees and get this, in a cross-promotion McDonald's is offering a Happy Endings meal. --Conan O’Brien 11/26/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Trump is also trying to trademark his other phrase, “No it's not a toupee.” (You’re Fired)

According to the US Patent Office Donald Trump is trying to trademark the phrase, “You’re Fired.” Trump is also trying to trademark his other phrase,  “No it's not a toupee.” --Conan O’Brien 3/18/2004

Martha Stewart is going to jail and it was reported today that 18,000 people have sent a petition to President Bush asking him to pardon Martha Stewart. Not surprisingly all the signatures were from prisoners. --Conan O’Brien 9/16/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Meanwhile the guy who directed Dirty Dancing Havana Nights still hasn't turned himself in (Why do we have wars?)

In order to get her sentence reduced Martha Stewart has asked all her friends to write her judge and tell them good things about her. As a result Martha is expected to get life in prison. --Conan O’Brien 3/18/2004

Yesterday in Florida a man went to the police and confessed to a crime after seeing the movie The Passion of the Christ. Meanwhile the guy who directed Dirty Dancing Havana Nights still hasn't turned himself in. But we’ll get him. --Conan O’Brien 3/18/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

you know you've done something wrong when you're a disgrace to the Mets uniform (Ask Inmate 3987)

One of the Mets minor league managers was arrested for exposing himself. Afterwards the manager said you know you've done something wrong when you're a disgrace to the Mets uniform. --Conan O’Brien 4/9/2004

Martha Stewart has had some problems recently. You may not have heard about this but Martha Stewart's advice column no longer goes by the name Ask Martha. The new name of the column is Ask Inmate 3987. --Conan O’Brien 3/17/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”