Here's my question: Is 28% still technically an approval rating? (Honey, I'm not looking at her breasts. I'm working for Homeland Security)

"Sarah Palin is going to London to try to meet with Margaret Thatcher, who's made it clear she won't meet with her. Palin went, 'Who told her I was coming? Was it Paul Revere again?'" –Jay Leno

"There are reports that female terrorists are being fitted with exploding breast implants. How many guys are going to use this as an excuse? 'Honey, I'm not looking at her breasts. I'm working for Homeland Security.'" –Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 28%. Here's my question: Is 28% still technically an approval rating?" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump’s newest plan is to build his wall out of his former staff (having some weird feelings)

Elizabeth Warren is also in the news. A new poll found that she's currently in third place in her own home state of Massachusetts. But keep in mind, second place is a Dunkin' Donuts cashier, and first place is Gronk. --Jimmy Fallon

In the last two days President Trump has fired his head of the Department of Homeland Security and the head of the Secret Service. I guess Trump’s newest plan is to build his wall out of his former staff. --James Corden

"The Pentagon admitted it's been spying on gay groups. The Pentagon also admitted that since it's started spying on gay groups, it's been having some weird feelings." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Why are you doing this to yourself? (Husband From Hell)

President Trump yesterday tweeted a picture of a signed check that he wrote donating $100,000 of his annual salary to the Department of Homeland Security. Of course, if you want to give part of your salary to the government, you can just pay your taxes. --Seth Meyers

According to Politico, the White House is expected to drop the word "acting" from acting White House chief of staff Mick Mulvaney's title, and they'll replace it with "soon to be quitting." --Seth Meyers

After George Conway published negative thing about him, Donald Trump called Conway, who happens to be married White House insider Kellyanne Conway, the “husband from hell.” I'm sorry, but you are the last person who should call anyone else the husband from hell. You've been divorced twice, you paid hush money to a porn star, your affairs were all over the tabloids, and you misspelled your wife's name. If anything, "Husband From Hell" sounds like the name of a Lifetime movie about you. --Seth Meyers

In fairness to Trump, he probably thinks Google is biased against him because if you search his name, all the results are bad. In fact, if you type "Donald Trump" into Google, you just get an error message that says, "Why are you doing this to yourself?" --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

we’ve still got a functioning Department of Homeland Insecurity (the world’s tallest moose statue)

It has been reported that President Trump posts altered photos to Facebook and Instagram that make him look thinner. Well, it’s nice to know that even during the shutdown, we’ve still got a functioning Department of Homeland Insecurity. --Stephen Colbert

Meanwhile, Norway and Canada are fighting over who has the tallest moose statue. Yeah, they’ve been feuding ever since Norway crushed Canada in Olympic curling. It was brutal. Tens of people were bored. For 35 years, the world’s tallest moose statue has been in the world’s most Canadian-named city, Moose Jaw. Moose Jaw, of course, just north of the town of Beaver Scrotum. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the highest concentration of smart people in the United States (45% of Union workers are Women)

"The countdown is now under way for what a lot of people are calling, the wedding of the year — on July 31 Chelsea Clinton is getting married. Bill and Hillary are thrilled; they say they don't care who the groom is as long as it's not Levi Johnston." –Jay Leno

"According to a study by the Brookings institution, Washington D.C. has the highest concentration of smart people in the United States. Lets see; we have a mess in the Gulf, we have a dysfunctional Homeland Security, and we are $13 trillion in debt. Imagine how bad it would be if these people weren't geniuses." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I swear this has never happened to me before (defective bungee cords)

Boston Red Sox pitcher Pedro Martinez, one of their big aces, is expected to leave Boston to play for the New York Mets. When asked why Pedro said, “I want to get out of professional baseball.” --Conan O’Brien 12/14/2004

The Bernard Kerik scandal is worse since Kerik withdrew his nomination to become Secretary of Homeland Security. It's been revealed that Kerik had a secret marriage, two mistresses and worked for a mafia-related company. As a result Carrick has been given a role on Desperate Housewives. --Conan O’Brien 12/14/2004

The oldest woman in Japan died at the age of one hundred fourteen. And as soon as the funeral is over the family plans to sue the makers of the defective bungee cord. --Conan O’Brien 4/5/2005

Pfizer the company that makes Viagra reported that profits went down six percent last year. Afterwards Pfizer was embarrassed and said, “I swear this has never happened to me before.” --Conan O’Brien 4/5/2005

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

thousands of Mets fans called and said, “Thank you.” (only bring gifts that can fit in her rear end)

Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge announced that al-Qaeda has plans to attack buildings in Newark. After hearing this al Qaeda said, “Are you crazy even we won't go to Newark.” --Conan O’Brien 8/3/2004

In a dispute over money, the local cable operator in New York has dropped tonight's broadcast of the New York Mets baseball game. As a result today, thousands of Mets fans called and said, “Thank you.” --Conan O’Brien 8/3/2004

Some good news for Martha Stewart who's getting ready to go to jail. Today is Martha Stewart's 63rd birthday. Not surprisingly guests were asked to only bring gifts that can fit in her rear end. --Conan O’Brien 8/3/2004

Claire Danes. She'd be perfect, absolutely perfect (which explains why all the congressmen were dressed in orange)

Former Vice President Dick Cheney was seen in Washington D.C. today which explains why all the congressmen were dressed in orange. --John Hulse

There are also reports that Trump wants to fire his Homeland Security secretary, Kirstjen Nielsen. When asked who would replace her Trump said, "Claire Danes. She'd be perfect, absolutely perfect." --Jimmy Fallon

Today, Trump took part in a ceremony to celebrate Diwali, the Hindu festival of lights. But at the event, Trump had a little trouble lighting a candle. Trump was like -- He's like, "I got to be careful. If this gets anywhere near my hair, the whole place is going to blow. Someone else do this." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

the League of Women Fishermen said they'd love it if I spoke at their Birthday Flounder Fest (Have you MET Congress?)

Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen yesterday dismissed demands that President Trump unilaterally end the practice of separating families at the border, and said, "Congress can fix this tomorrow." Really? Have you MET Congress? They're still finalizing the Louisiana Purchase. --Seth Meyers

President Trump tweeted today, "If you don't have borders, you don't have a country." And if you don't have a country, you can't have a president. So, we did it, we got rid of him. --Seth Meyers

President Trump today spoke to the National Federation of Independent Businesses. Am I crazy or is he just making up fake organizations to speak to because he's afraid to talk to actual voters? "Oh, you hate me because of my immigration policies? Funny, because the League of Women Fishermen said they'd love it if I spoke at their Birthday Flounder Fest." --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

a hunger strike only works if people don't want you to die (Easy Bank Rules)

"Tom DeLay will still get to collect over a million dollars in congressional pension money. This is what's so great about Congress. It is the only place in the world where robbers get to keep the money." --Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein ended his hunger strike after just one missed meal. I think he finally realized a hunger strike only works if people don't want you to die." --Jay Leno

    

"The deputy secretary for the Department of Homeland Security was arrested after he tried to seduce a 14-year-old girl online, who was actually an undercover detective. I think the terror alert has been raised to creepy. Homeland Security? We need home room security. This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Bush administration -- today." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

A plan Republicans immediately denounced as an admission of failure, opposed to their plan, which is failure without admission (wage stealers)

"Homeland Security announced that there are 600,000 fugitives unaccounted for in America. And those are just the ones in the Bush administration." --Jay Leno

"An aide to the newly elected Democratic Senator Jim Webb of Virginia was arrested for trying to bring the senator's gun into the Senate office building. Webb said he needed the gun for protection. Apparently, he had an afternoon meeting with Vice President Cheney." --Jay Leno

"Let's begin in Washington, where I am pleased to say that after just a few scant months in power, congressional Democrats have made great strides in their efforts to lose the war in Iraq. Last Friday, the House put yet another cherry on its treason sundae by narrowly passing a war spending bill calling for the end of combat operations by next September. A plan Republicans immediately denounced as an admission of failure, opposed to their plan, which is failure without admission." --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I Spy a Concrete Barricade (Good to see Ann Coulter getting some work)

"For someone who's so into praying, [George W. Bush] really sucks at it. God never listens to him. So the president happened to miss one warning [about Katrina breaches]. Not a big deal. Unfortunately, by the next night, the Homeland Security Operations Center continued to report that no levees had been breached, despite having received at least 16 reports to the contrary. It's really just a simple case of he said, and they, they, they, they and they said." --Jon Stewart

"Something happened last night, I was down in Washington, D.C., love it down there, can't get enough of that city. Anyway, I was out with my buddy, Rep. Patrick Kennedy of Rhode Island, and we were driving home, and I suggested we play a game of I Spy a Concrete Barricade. Patrick is a fierce competitor and, well, he won." --Stephen Colbert

"Anybody here from New Zealand? They have a big, new attraction. It's a live sex show in New Zealand. They have actual bulls mounting a simulated cow. Good to see Ann Coulter getting some work." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Bush administration -- today (There goes the Republican health care plan)

"The deputy secretary for the Department of Homeland Security was arrested after he tried to seduce a 14-year-old girl online, who was actually an undercover detective. I think the terror alert has been raised to creepy. Homeland Security? We need home room security. This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Bush administration -- today." --Jay Leno

"They're still calling it a correction. I love this. When CEOs make bad decisions that cause Wall Street to crash, oh, it's called a correction. You know what we should do? Take these people and put them in a correctional institute. That's what we should do." --Jay Leno

"A new study involving 1800 patients and six major hospitals failed to prove the healing power of prayer. They said prayer does not work in healing. There goes the Republican health care plan." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You know you work for the Trump administration when... (Trump Emergency Response System)

     

This weekend, Trump launched an asymmetrical tweet assault against the mayor of San Juan, Puerto Rico, Carmen Yulin Cruz. Here’s how it started: In response about the administration’s relief efforts, on Thursday, Acting Secretary of Homeland Security Elaine Duke said this: “It is really a good news story in terms of our ability to reach people and the limited number of deaths that have taken place.” You know you work for the Trump administration when one of the worst disasters in history seems like a good news story to you. –Stephen Colbert

      

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

He went right home, where his wife repeatedly kicked him in the testicles ($2,000 ****job)

"Eliot Spitzer held a press conference yesterday, where he apologized to his constituents and to his family. He didn't take questions. He went right home, where his wife repeatedly kicked him in the testicles." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Governor Eliot Spitzer of New York has been linked to a prostitution ring. Wow. What a day for the media. Here they thought yesterday would just be another day spent feigning interest in the concerns of regional voters." --Jon Stewart

"The feds caught the governor when they became suspicious of some irregular money wire transfers that the governor had made. And then they tapped his phones and monitored his text messages. Basically they thought this was a bribery case and it wasn't. If only someone experienced in law enforcement could have given Eliot Spitzer better advice [on screen: Spitzer saying, 'Never talk when you can nod, never nod when you can wink and never write it in e-mail because it's death. You're giving prosecutors all the evidence we need']. In Spitzer's defense, he probably forgot he said that because it's hard to concentrate when you are getting a $2,000 [bleep]job." --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JusticeDemocrats #Bernie2020

Homeland Security has less video surveillance than the New England Patriots (Born in a manger)

"Just 48 hours after Homeland Security officials told Congress a 28-milelong virtual fence along the U.S./Mexican border was working, they now say it will be delayed three years because they can't get the video surveillance to work. Can't get it to work. Isn't that amazing? Do you realize, Homeland Security has less video surveillance than the New England Patriots." --Jay Leno

"In movie news, the movie 'Panic Room 2' is now in development. The whole thing is gonna be filmed at Hillary Clinton's campaign headquarters." --Jay Leno

"Everyone is so concerned now where all of the candidates are born. McCain was born on a military base in Panama. Hillary was born outside Chicago, and if you believe the media, Barack Obama was born in a manger." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

George W. Bush sings songs of Peace (Swing Low, Sweet Carpet-Bombers)

"For someone who's so into praying, [George W. Bush] really sucks at it. God never listens to him. So the president happened to miss one warning [about Katrina breaches]. Not a big deal. Unfortunately, by the next night, the Homeland Security Operations Center continued to report that no levees had been breached, despite having received at least 16 reports to the contrary. It's really just a simple case of he said, and they, they, they, they and they said." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush was also in Pakistan. Which is a little scary. When they landed there they landed in the dark with the lights off and all the shades pulled down. So if you count the Dubai deal, that's the second time President Bush has been operating in the dark." --Jay Leno

"Plans were announced to raise $300 million for the George W. Bush Presidential Library. $300 million. That's almost $150 million per book." --Jay Leno

The investigation will be conducted by the Department of Irony

"Pentagon records show that at least 8,000 members of the all-volunteer U.S. Army have deserted since the Iraq war began. Hey, at least somebody has an exit strategy." --Tina Fey

"Because of various security lapses, some senators are calling for a probe of the security at the offices of the Department of Homeland Security. The investigation will be conducted by the Department of Irony." --Amy Poehler

"More people, particularly Republicans, disapprove of President Bush's performance. They're questioning his character now and they no longer consider him a strong leader on terrorism. Yeah, apparently there's a little more to this whole presidency thing than just not getting blown." --Bill Maher

the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Bush administration -- today (hookers, mistresses, interns)

"Saddam Hussein ended his hunger strike after just one missed meal. I think he finally realized a hunger strike only works if people don't want you to die." --Jay Leno

"The deputy secretary for the Department of Homeland Security was arrested after he tried to seduce a 14-year-old girl online, who was actually an undercover detective. I think the terror alert has been raised to creepy. Homeland Security? We need home room security. This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Bush administration -- today." --Jay Leno

"This is why Republicans can't have sex scandals. They're just too creepy. The Democrats, they've got hookers, mistresses, interns -- not girl scouts!" --Jay Leno

This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Bush administration -- today!

"In an effort to make the Bush environmental record look good, Interior Secretary Gale Norton announced that under the Bush administration, there are now more wetlands than any time since 1954. Well yeah, if you count New Orleans." --Jay Leno

"The deputy secretary for the Department of Homeland Security was arrested after he tried to seduce a 14-year-old girl online, who was actually an undercover detective. I think the terror alert has been raised to creepy. Homeland Security? We need home room security. This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Bush administration -- today." --Jay Leno

"This is why Republicans can't have sex scandals. They're just too creepy. The Democrats, they've got hookers, mistresses, interns -- not girl scouts!" --Jay Leno