I hope to God he knows what we mean by a "selfie." (Lied about)

According to Politico, former Vice President Joe Biden has been less touchy with voters on the campaign trail and is doing more selfies, and I hope to God he knows what we mean by a "selfie." --Seth Meyers

A company is selling a jacket with a heating mode and a cooling mode. The way it works is, there’s a zipper. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's had more microphones stuck in his face than Pelosi has had needles (it was on stationary labeled coroners report)

You didn’t need an MD to see Biden was DOA. Of course they couldn't release his medical evaluations since it was on stationary labeled coroners report. —Greg Gutfeld

Trump is everywhere. He’s not just healthy, but over the top healthy. He may live on McDonald's and Diet Coke but he runs rings around reporters half his age. Even Politico called Trump just about the most accessible president in modern history. It’s true. Trump has done media on 111 of his 138 days in office That's an 80% hit rate. He's had more microphones stuck in his face than Pelosi has had needles. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We don’t tolerate that kind of behavior here at Kamala Harris Elementary School (the lowest political bar in history)

Administrators in Pennsylvania are investigating how a kindergartner was able to hand out Jello-shots to his classmates. The outraged principal saying, we don’t tolerate that kind of behavior here at Kamala Harris Elementary School. —Greg Gutfeld

The former FBI Director denied calling for the assassination of President Trump and claims he’s quote, just a grandfather who likes wearing sweaters, jeans and going for nice walks on the beach. Well somebody is auditioning for The Golden Bachelor! —Greg Gutfeld

So the Biden book ‘Original Sin’ is finally out and so are the reviews. According to Politico, it describes Biden as an “ailing, geriatric leader surrounded by mendacious aides”. While the Washington Post details an “elderly, egotistical president shielded from reality by a slavish coterie of loyalists.” So ‘ailing, mendacious, egotistical’ and that’s from media outlets that spent four years smooching Biden’s wrinkly ass. They were so far up his butt I’m surprised they didn’t diagnose the cancer. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I haven't seen so many Democrats excited to travel since Epstein Island (Gnorts, Mr Alien)

Today of course is Earth Day. Nancy Pelosi said, "I remember the first one, seven billion years ago." —Greg Gutfeld

DNC co-chair David Hogg told Politico that JB Pritzker is a fighter. True. Right now he's battling diabetes, heart disease, and the thousand pound limit on his condo’s elevator. —Greg Gutfeld

Yesterday four more Democrats landed in El Salvador to greet Kilmar Garcia. I haven't seen so many Democrats excited to travel since Epstein Island. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know what they say about Mike Johnson: to know him is to … meh (the little soapy thing is empty, but we will fill it!)

Our long national nightmare is finally different. Finally, a man who appeals to all factions of the Republican party: the Maga faithful, the social conservatives, the white nationalists and the horny Beetlejuice goblins. Mike Johnson’s successful bid for speakership after several swift failures – Jim Jordan and Tom Emmer, among others – was facilitated by the fact that, according to Politico, there weren’t enough people who hated Johnson to oppose his rise. You know what they say about Mike Johnson: to know him is to … meh. —Stephen Colbert

But don’t let the apparent blandness fool you – Johnson is not only an election denier, he played a leading role in the effort to overturn the 2020 election. And Johnson holds other extreme views. In newspaper editorials, he has called homosexuality ‘inherently unnatural’ and a ‘dangerous lifestyle’ that could possibly destroy ‘the entire democratic system’. The republicans celebrated their momentous achievement of having a leader on the steps of the Capitol. That’s the sort of ceremony that’s usually celebrating the passage of Medicare or ending the war. Instead, this was announcing ‘we have found the key to the executive washroom. By the way, the little soapy thing is empty, but we will fill it!’ —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hope to God he knows what we mean by a "selfie." (Greatest. Bouncy House. EVER.)

According to Politico, former Vice President Joe Biden has been less touchy with voters on the campaign trail and is doing more selfies, and I hope to God he knows what we mean by a "selfie." --Seth Meyers

Strong winds in California recently caused a bouncy house with a child in it to be blown from a backyard and onto a nearby highway. Authorities say the child is OK, and the child said, “Greatest. Bouncy House. EVER.” --Seth Meyers

President Trump this weekend retweeted a post suggesting that he have two years added to his term in order to make up for the time taken up by the Russia investigation, and to make up for the time he's spent playing golf, he'll need at least an additional decade. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A society based on care would render them obsolete (I hope to God he knows what we mean by a "selfie.")

"Rush Limbaugh criticized President Obama's support of gay marriage, accusing the president of leading a war on traditional marriage. And Limbaugh wants it to mean something if he ever gets traditional-married for the fifth time." –Seth Meyers

According to Politico, former Vice President Joe Biden has been less touchy with voters on the campaign trail and is doing more selfies, and I hope to God he knows what we mean by a "selfie." --Seth Meyers

Then yesterday, the President was dealt another blow when his personal charity, the Trump Foundation, was forced to shut down after prosecutors effectively said it acted as a slush fund for Trump's personal spending. So Trump used his charity to pay for lawsuits, which then prompted a lawsuit that ended the charity. At this point, he's going to have to start a new charity to pay for the lawsuit over the old charity. They can call it, I don't know, March of Crimes. --Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton cited an old Mexican proverb in her speech in Nevada today to highlight the unchanging nature of Donald Trump. A Mexican proverb, or as Trump calls it, "A spell!" --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Has this been the sane version of Trump this whole time? (And she says that so far he’s buying it!)

The American flag behind Vice President Mike Pence during his speech in Brussels yesterday accidentally featured 51 stars instead of 50. In honor of the new 51st U.S. state — panic. –Seth Meyers

A female zebra shark in Australia has shocked researchers by developing the ability to produce offspring asexually, after spending time away from her male partner. And she says that so far he’s buying it! –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump said that Ted Cruz is a liar who looks like a jerk. Not to be confused with Trump, who is a jerk who looks like a liar. –Seth Meyers

On Saturday, Trump faced his third weekend straight of nationwide protests, including at his Palm Beach resort, Mar-a-Lago, where he was staying. Will the protests get to Trump? Well, a longtime ally, Roger Stone, told Politico, “Donald used to come and go as he pleases, and now he can’t and he has protesters on top of that. Mar-a-Lago is like an oasis for him. But if he feels he can’t go there to unwind, I wonder if it will make him go crazy.” Make him go crazy? Has this been the sane version of Trump this whole time? –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A Sieg Hail Mary, if you will (there’s no dipping sauce on any of the pages)

January 2022

“There is troubling evidence from the Trump White House in the days after the 2020 election. Over the weekend, Politico obtained and published a draft executive order from 16 December 2020 which ordered the defense secretary to seize voting machines in battleground states. The author of the draft order remains unknown, though Trump himself has been ruled out because there’s no dipping sauce on any of the pages.” Kimmel quipped. —Jimmy Kimmel

“The militarization of the election was a last-ditch effort to keep Trump in power. A Sieg Hail Mary, if you will.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“In other 6 January fallout news, Trump has expressed fury that the House committee intends to interview his daughter Ivanka. As he said in a statement: ‘They’re using these things to try and get people’s minds off how incompetently our country is being run. And they don’t care. They’ll go after children.’ He knows Ivanka is 40, right? I mean, I know he missed a lot of birthdays, but … you can’t call them children and also put them in charge of peace in the Middle East. It’s one or the other.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry  

 

When I was president, we spent money on porn stars, not gasoline! (a chicken-loving old man who reminds you of the Confederacy)

May 2021

“Donald Trump posted a rambling message on his website ahead of the holiday weekend on Thursday evening which read, ‘I’m sorry to say the gas prices that you will be confronted with are far higher than they were just a short number of months ago,’ referring to the season-high number of travelers on Memorial Day weekend. The former president also ranted, without facts, about America’s energy production – ‘Wasn’t it great to be energy independent, but we are energy independent no more. Shame, shame, shame’ – and admonished Americans to ‘remember as you’re watching the meter tick, and your dollars pile up, how great of a job Donald Trump did as president.’ He’s just a crazy old man shouting at pigeons now. He seems to have forgotten that the reason gas prices were low was because we had no place to go, we had nowhere to drive. There was a terrible virus killing our grandparents – ‘When I was president, we spent money on porn stars, not gasoline!’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“With spikes in the number of weekend travelers for the holiday, the TSA has warned to expect long lines at the airport. It had been so long since mass travel, that I was even excited for security checks. When that wand touches my inner thigh, I’m going to look that agent right in the eye and say, ‘I missed you too, big guy, I really did.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Joe Biden has been president for four months, which means it’s time to start talking about the 2024 presidential election. The frontrunner for the GOP, so much as there is one, remains the former president, who reportedly intends to run again ‘so long as he still has a good bill of health’, according to Politico. What? That’s crazy! In 2024, he’ll be 78 years old, which is exactly how old Joe Biden is right now. But according to Politico, Republicans officials are hoping to replicate Trump’s appeal in a candidate without the baggage of two impeachments, a Capitol riot he stoked, groundless challenges to his election loss and the big lie of voter fraud. But those are all his secret ingredients. That’s like taking away the Colonel’s 11 herbs and spices – with both guys, all you’d have left is a chicken-loving old man who reminds you of the Confederacy.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Every one of my chakras wants you in jail (unscruper scooper)

May 2021

“All lack of facts aside, insiders have said that investigators are looking into whether the stated value of properties owned by former president Trump were manipulated in a way that defrauded banks and insurance companies, and if any tax benefits were obtained illegally through unscrupulous asset valuation. Well, of course they’re unscrupulous. This man has never scruped. Investigators better bring an unscruper scooper.” —Stephen Colbert

“Now, it’s no surprise the formation of this grand jury did not sit well with Clownigula. He put out a long internet post calling the investigation ‘a witch hunt’ that was ‘purely political.’ Not purely — it’s also emotional and spiritual. Every one of my chakras wants you in jail.” —Stephen Colbert

“But how can he say it’s political when he’s no longer in politics? Well, according to Politico, simple: float another run for president. Besides, as one aide put it, ‘He’s missing being president terribly.’ It makes sense: He did spend four years being president terribly.” —Stephen Colbert

“In other news, 127 days into his presidency, so far Joe Biden has been driving exactly as you’d expect a 78-year-old: slowly, with his left turn signal on the whole time. But that could all come to an end thanks to an explosive, behind-the-curtains look at the Biden presidency in the Washington Post this week. The non-exposé found that Biden’s preferred lunch is a soup and salad – usually a chopped one, with grilled chicken – and that he’s partial to orange Gatorade and Coke Zero. The Washington Post just broke the biggest story of the year: this president likes salad.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You think that's bad, when our last President was sworn in, he was Donald Trump (Bernie Beats Trump Nationwide!)

Well, you know what they say, “Ignorance is president.” --Stephen Colbert

According to Politico, Democrats are concerned about former Vice President Joe Biden's age, because, if elected, he would be 78 years old when sworn in. You think that's bad, when our last President was sworn in, he was Donald Trump. --Seth Meyers

In honor of the upcoming season premiere of "Stranger Things," Burger King announced today that it will start selling a so-called Upside Down Whopper, and McDonald's announced that the McRib is back in honor of the HBO series "Chernobyl." --Seth Meyers

A Florida man is attempting to break a Guinness World Record by seeing "Avengers: Endgame" 200 times. And he's already set a record by seeing "Dark Phoenix" twice. That's right -- a Florida man has reportedly seen "Avengers: Endgame" 114 times. Said theater staff, "Oh, wait. Never mind. He's just dead." --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html
“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic.
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

and I hope to God he knows what we mean by a "selfie." (don't book the deejay just yet)

Duchess Meghan Markle gave birth to a baby boy this morning, who is now seventh in line for the throne, which, if you ask me, is just unfair. Making a baby kill six people?  --Seth Meyers

According to Politico, former Vice President Joe Biden has been less touchy with voters on the campaign trail and is doing more selfies, and I hope to God he knows what we mean by a "selfie." --Seth Meyers

President Trump this weekend retweeted a post suggesting that he have two years added to his term in order to make up for the time taken up by the Russia investigation, and to make up for the time he's spent playing golf, he'll need at least an additional decade. --Seth Meyers

During an interview this weekend, former Defense Secretary Robert Gates was asked if he believes Joe Biden would be a good commander in chief and responded by pausing for several seconds and then saying, "I don't know." That is not a "yes." If you asked your girlfriend to marry you and she paused for several seconds and then said, "I don't know," you would not start booking a deejay. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Buy two and the next one is Free Willy (But I guess he was stupid)

We here at "Late Night" have a lot of expenses, and to cover the cost, we have taken on some pretty, well, terrible sponsors, sponsors we aren't very proud of, sponsors I'm ashamed that we took money from. But because we did take their money, we now have to mention them on the air. So, apologies in advance, but tonight, "Late Night" is brought to you by salted Band-Aids. The Band-Aids with a little dash of salt. Forget about your paper cut and focus on how bad this Band-Aid feels. Also available in lemon juice. Next up, vape clarinets. Looking to combine the two things high schoolers find coolest? Try vape clarinets. Vape clarinets -- get addicted to jazz. We're also sponsored by whale jerky. We believe whales should be a protected species, but should one dead one wash up onshore, we will make jerky out of it. Buy two and the next one is Free Willy. --Seth Meyers

According to Politico, while on a guided tour of Mount Vernon last year, President Trump couldn't understand why George Washington didn't name the compound after himself, saying, "If he was smart, he would have put his name on it." Trump then added, "But I guess he was stupid," before returning to Washington, D.C. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Why are you doing this to yourself? (Husband From Hell)

President Trump yesterday tweeted a picture of a signed check that he wrote donating $100,000 of his annual salary to the Department of Homeland Security. Of course, if you want to give part of your salary to the government, you can just pay your taxes. --Seth Meyers

According to Politico, the White House is expected to drop the word "acting" from acting White House chief of staff Mick Mulvaney's title, and they'll replace it with "soon to be quitting." --Seth Meyers

After George Conway published negative thing about him, Donald Trump called Conway, who happens to be married White House insider Kellyanne Conway, the “husband from hell.” I'm sorry, but you are the last person who should call anyone else the husband from hell. You've been divorced twice, you paid hush money to a porn star, your affairs were all over the tabloids, and you misspelled your wife's name. If anything, "Husband From Hell" sounds like the name of a Lifetime movie about you. --Seth Meyers

In fairness to Trump, he probably thinks Google is biased against him because if you search his name, all the results are bad. In fact, if you type "Donald Trump" into Google, you just get an error message that says, "Why are you doing this to yourself?" --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Did you try unplugging him and plugging him back in? (Get the probe!)

President Trump had dinner on Friday with Apple CEO Tim Cook. Well, Tim, did you try unplugging him and plugging him back in? --Seth Meyers

NASA yesterday successfully launched a probe designed to touch the sun. [shows photo of Don Jr. and Eric] “I use a probe to touch mine, too,” said Trump. “Father, can I have a hug?” “Get the probe!” --Seth Meyers

According to Politico, White House aides need to remind President Trump of time zones in different countries on a constant basis. He forgets that in America it’s 4 p.m., but where he is, it’s 1957. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

You haven't even read your own autobiography (from one Orange narcissist to another)

According to Politico, White House chief of staff John Kelly has been going to the gym in the middle of the day. Well, that's one sure way to not run into the boss. --Seth Meyers

President Trump repeated his false statement today that crime is up in Germany and said the numbers may appear lower because officials don't want to report the crimes. Dude, you want us to believe you've been poring over secret unreleased German crime statistics? You haven't even read your own autobiography. --Seth Meyers

Today was the 40th anniversary of the first "Garfield" comic strip, so from one guy making fun of a fat lazy Orange narcissist to another, congratulations. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They're the dumbest group of voters in the country (I bet my numbers would be terrific)

According to Politico, the publishers of former FBI Director James Comey’s upcoming memoir are taking extreme precautions to prevent the manuscript from leaking. Yeah, it would be a shame if something got out at the wrong time and ruined everything for him. -Seth Meyers

Billionaire investor Warren Buffett is offering his employees $1 million per year for the rest of their lives if they can fill out a perfect March Madness bracket. Buffett was like, “It’s just a fun little way to remind my employees that I can buy and sell each and every one of them.” -Seth Meyers

A new report has found that more animals have died while in the care of United Airlines than any other U.S. airline over the last three years. While animals who flew Spirit Airlines only WISHED they were dead. -Seth Meyers

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

that's what he was asking the undercover cop for (the guy slipped into a coma)

"Another person was tasered today during a John Kerry speech ... not for being disruptive. I guess while listening to Kerry, the guy slipped into a coma." --Jay Leno

"Reporters at the Washington-based web site The Politico said that Larry Craig's return to the Capitol this week was 'about as wanted as a mystery meat sandwich.' Which was what Craig was asking the undercover cop for." --Jay Leno

      

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans