If Moses had a Smartphone (an amount that priests called worth it)

Donald Trump appeared at a town hall hosted by Univision, where he was asked questions in both English and Spanish, which he answered in both English and louder English. —Michael Che

The Archdiocese of Los Angeles has reached a settlement in hundreds of child sex abuse cases, and will pay out $880 million, an amount that priests called worth it. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Researchers believe the fish got to New Jersey the same way as everyone else: by giving up (unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true)

NASCAR released a statement today calling for the removal of the Confederate flag from the South Carolina capitol. Released a statement? They should have sent a pit crew. That thing would be down in under nine seconds. –Seth Meyers

A rare fish normally found only in the Amazon was caught yesterday in a New Jersey pond. Researchers believe the fish got to New Jersey the same way as everyone else: by giving up. –Seth Meyers

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said this week that marriage counseling is the biggest mistake he's ever made. Though unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Cheney made that announcement, then he went back to his private island to hunt human prey (terrible precedents)

"It's interesting to me that since they've been out of office, Dick Cheney has really got his nose out of joint. Have you noticed this? He's out there. He's upset. He's attacking people. He's shooting his mouth off. And now he is criticizing the Obama Administration for looking into the CIA torture policy. He says 'You shouldn't be looking into the CIA torturing policy.' He made that announcement, then he went back to his private island to hunt human prey." --David Letterman

"Cheney accused Obama of setting a 'terrible precedent.' That's what Cheney said, Obama is setting a 'terrible precedent,' not to be confused with George W. Bush, who was a terrible president. That's a different deal." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

beating the previous record held by the comforters at Days Inn (LOW-level Russian official)

Some analysts are claiming that Special Counsel Robert Mueller may have struck a plea deal with former Trump campaign chair Paul Manafort to target high-level Russian officials, not President Trump. Because Trump is a LOW-level Russian official. --Seth Meyers

Scientists have announced plans to build a genetic Noah's Ark which will contain genetic information from 66,000 species, beating the previous record held by the comforters at Days Inn.  --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

an exciting look at what the government could be if it were run by a wealthy 12-year-old (smells like pineapple turpentine)

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo joined Instagram this week, which is odd. This was his first post. Declaring his department the Department of Swagger. [photo of Pompeo fist-bumping a woman in front of a crowd under an arch that says "Department of Swagger"] That's real. You know, between the Space Force and the Department of Swagger? This Trump administration has really given us an exciting look at what the government could be if it were run by a wealthy 12-year-old. --Jimmy Kimmel

The FDA is said to be cracking down on teenage vaping. Vaping for those who don't know is the reason your Uber smells like pineapple turpentine whenever you get in it. --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

11 appearances on the cover of Mad magazine (the cover of Black President Magazine)

"They had the big beer summit earlier tonight at the White House. President Obama had a beer with Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the policeman who arrested him. The meeting got off to a rough start when a neighbor called the police to say Gates was breaking into the White House." --Conan O’Brien

"Conservatives are criticizing Time magazine because they put President Obama on the cover for the 12th time in the last year. Not only that, every week since Obama was elected, he's been on the cover of Black President Magazine." --Conan O'Brien

"This is true, though. This is Obama's 12th appearance on the cover of Time magazine. And this beats President Bush's record of 11 appearances on the cover of Mad magazine." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Sounds like someone got a new prescription (There's no statute of limitations down here...)

"There is a big announcement in North Korea. Kim Jong Il has named his son as his future successor. A president’s son becoming president? That would never happen here." --Craig Ferguson

"Rush Limbaugh said today he might change his mind about something. I'm like, what?! He said he might support President Obama's nominee for the Supreme Court. Wow! Sounds like someone got a new prescription." --Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Do I look like a wolf in Shepards clothing? (unless it's a pie eating contest)

"Judge Sonia Sotomayor said she seemed overwhelmed today, and she said it really won't sink in until she hears Rush Limbaugh say he hopes she fails." --Jay Leno

"Well, over the weekend you know, there was some more back and forth between former Secretary of State Colin Powell and Rush Limbaugh. It's getting nasty. I don't know, General Powell versus Rush Limbaugh. You know, unless it's a pie eating contest, I gotta go with Powell, okay?" --Jay Leno

"North Korea tested another nuclear bomb. The fear is that North Korea will sell this nuclear weapon to some unstable, volatile world leader, you know, like Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

Only there wasn’t a wise man in sight (Right-hand man)

I’m going to say something I didn’t think was possible anymore: I am shocked by something Donald Trump said. I thought, by now, that my soul had calcified into a crouton. Not true, because today, the president of the United States tweeted, “How come low I.Q. Crazy Mika, along with Psycho Joe, came to Mar-a-Lago 3 nights in a row around New Year’s Eve, and insisted on joining me. She was bleeding badly from a face-lift. I said no!” 

First of all, someone bleeding badly at your door, and you say no? Sounds like your healthcare plan. I mean, turning them away from your hotel during the middle of winter is literally the story of Christmas. Only there wasn’t a wise man in sight. –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535

his top legislative priority will be the death penalty for people who don't clean up after their dogs (one is my limit)

"On Monday, the lieutenant governor will take over. His name is David Patterson. He's African-American and legally blind. He'll be the first blind governor in the United States. He's already announced that his top legislative priority will be the death penalty for people who don't clean up after their dogs." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And so Eliot Spitzer headed to his midtown office to make the announcement while receiving what the networks now refer to as the full O.J. [on screen: video of Spitzer's car driving through Manhattan]. As you can see, the trip gave commentators ample time for analysis [on screen: a montage of news anchors commenting on the traffic in Manhattan]. So interesting to hear about. By the way, it's not really for me to judge, but if you are in the car with your wife on the way to resign from the state's highest office after facing prostitution allegations, I'd run that light. Shorten what I imagine would be a fairly awkward car ride. What's a ticket compared to what's been going on? $200 extra. I've heard that some prostitutes spend more than that on room service." --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

How about you just spank me, we'll call it even? (clients one through eight were Charlie Sheen)

"The New York Times reported that New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was a customer of a high-end prostitution ring, that the prostitutes knew him as Client #9. Client #9, yeah. Not surprisingly, clients one through eight were Charlie Sheen." --Conan O'Brien

"It's getting serious, though. Republicans in New York have given Governor Spitzer an ultimatum. That if he doesn't resign, they'll push for impeachment. Governor Spitzer responded by saying, 'How about you just spank me, we'll call it even?'" --Conan O'Brien

"It hasn't been a great week for Governor Eliot Spitzer. This is a guy who built a career crusading against corruption. He got caught on an FBI wiretap arranging for a $1,000-an-hour prostitute. Spitzer is named as 'Client #9.' Allegedly, Client #9 wired money to something called the Emperor's Club, which is an online service that provides high-end hookers to upscale gentlemen like my Uncle Frank. Client #9 deposited $4,300 into his account and then he had a two-hour interlude with a prostitute name 'Kristen.' Which I think means he has two thousand dollars of credit left over. That'll come in handy -- with all the stress, he's gonna need to blow off some steam." --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JusticeDemocrats #Bernie2020

This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Bush administration -- today!

"In an effort to make the Bush environmental record look good, Interior Secretary Gale Norton announced that under the Bush administration, there are now more wetlands than any time since 1954. Well yeah, if you count New Orleans." --Jay Leno

"The deputy secretary for the Department of Homeland Security was arrested after he tried to seduce a 14-year-old girl online, who was actually an undercover detective. I think the terror alert has been raised to creepy. Homeland Security? We need home room security. This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Bush administration -- today." --Jay Leno

"This is why Republicans can't have sex scandals. They're just too creepy. The Democrats, they've got hookers, mistresses, interns -- not girl scouts!" --Jay Leno

Nice to see our surveillance cameras being used non-stop in the war against terror

"There are reports the Republican Party were pressuring Tom DeLay to leave. Like this past weekend, Cheney said if DeLay did not step down, he'd shoot him." --Jay Leno

"This 56-year-old guy named Brian Doyle, the deputy press secretary of the Homeland Security Department, was arrested on 23 counts of using his government computer and cell pone to try and have sex with a 14-year-old girl. He would send these girls porno on the Web cam. Nice to see our surveillance cameras being used non-stop in the war against terror." --Jay Leno

"A second Homeland Security official has been arrested, a 49-year-old guy named Frank Figueroa, he was caught exposing and fondling himself to a teenage girl in a shopping mall in Florida. Do you realize? If Osama bin Laden was a 14-year old girl, we would have had him by now. Who is going to start protecting us from the Department of Homeland Security? It kind of makes you long for the good old wholesome days of the Clinton administration." --Jay Leno

That poor Ricky Martin. He just can't catch a break (mild, medium and caliente)

"The big immigration bill is dead for now. Some are saying the Republicans didn't really want this bill because it's really more useful for them to have a wedge issue of illegal aliens, the same way they had gay marriage in 2004. That poor Ricky Martin. He just can't catch a break." --Bill Maher

"Under this Senate compromise, the 11 million illegals would be put into three different groups: mild, medium and caliente." --Bill Maher

"A Homeland Security official named Brian Doyle was arrested for soliciting sex from a teenager, who was of course a cop on the Internet. And some of their chats went on for hours, because you know Homeland Security, they take forever to come. I don't mind that this guy is a pervert, but if you are one of our fist-line of defense Homeland Security people, and you can't figure out that it's a setup when a teenager on the Internet says 'I'm 13, and I think old guys who work for the government are hot,' yes, then you are literally sitting around with your d*ck in your hands." --Bill Maher

immigration was the sincerest form of flattery (whatever)

"President Bush has proposed sweeping immigration changes, which is pretty amazing when you consider before he became president, Bush thought immigration was the sincerest form of flattery." --Jay Leno

  

"Vice President Dick Cheney gave the commencement speech at his old high school in Casper, Wyoming, last weekend. He told graduating seniors to aim high because if they didn't, they might shoot someone in the face." --Jay Leno

"This is really unified in both parties. House Speaker Dennis Hastert has attacked the FBI for raiding the congressman's office, saying it was an abuse of power. Imagine the nerve of the FBI treating members of Congress like they are regular Americans. Can you imagine? If there's anything that people who make the laws hate is being treated like the people who have to follow the laws." --Jay Leno

I'm sorry I enriched uranium (Strong Teen Using Democracy)

"Traditional conservatives want small government and the government is getting smaller because congressmen are leaving office in disgrace. And one of those congressmen is Mark Foley, who had some electronic conversations with young congressional studs. And as I've said before, stud is just a text message abbreviation for 'Strong Teen Using Democracy.' Now with Foley's resignation came a disturbing revelation: there are gay Republicans -- apparently a whole lot of them. This is absolutely not fabulous." --Stephen Colbert

"The Fox network has a brand new show on Sunday nights. It's called, 'When Presidents Attack.' Did you see that? Former President Clinton lashed out at reporter Chris Wallace the other night on Fox News. When questioned about Osama bin Laden, Clinton said he tried to kill bin Laden. I believe him, but we all know what bad aim Clinton has." --Jay Leno

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is trying to win over the American people. It's sort of a PR campaign. Earlier today, over at the U.N., he was signing baseballs that said, 'I'm sorry I enriched uranium'." --David Letterman

He had a problem with 18-year-old scotch and 16-year-old boys

"The Foley saga quickly sent leaders of the North American Man-Boy Love Association, or Congress, into action. One lawmaker, the co-founder of the congressional Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus, was particularly outraged [on screen: Foley saying, 'They're sick people. They need mental health counseling. They certainly don't need to be interacting with children']. That was Mark Foley from 2002, reacting to himself three years later." --Jon Stewart

"Congressman Mark Foley, who resigned last week after sending sexually suggestive e-mails to teenagers, has checked into alcohol rehab. When asked about it, Foley said, 'I have a problem with 18-year-old scotch and 16-year-old boys.'." --Conan O'Brien

"Top White House aide Dan Bartlett is criticizing Woodward's book, saying Woodward formulated conclusions before he even started interviewing people. It would be like invading a country without having the facts." --Jay Leno

because they know that's the best way to reach congressmen

"Florida Congressman Mark Foley has resigned over allegations he sent explicit e-mails to underage boys. What is it with congressmen? If they're not grabbing your wallet, they're grabbing your ass." --Jay Leno

"How 'bout that Florida Congressman Mark Foley? At least the Democrats waited until the interns were over 18." --David Letterman

"This incident is changing the way big companies do business in Washington -- like tobacco companies are now hiring underage boys as lobbyists because they know that's the best way to reach congressmen." --Jay Leno

All he knows is if you pull it, you ice it (W. the film)

"Everyone knows that Congress people are assigned to committees based on their great weakness. Why would Senator Ted Stevens, a man more comfortable in the horse and buggy era, be in charge of regulating the Internet? Which he believes is a series of tubes -- a series of tubes though which other republican congressmen can reach through and fondle 16-year-olds." --John Oliver

"Mark Foley sent what appeared to be inappropriate e-mails and text messages to underage male congressional pages. Evidently, the Republican leadership knew about it anywhere from 11 months ago to 60 months ago. Now people are calling for House Speaker Denny Hastert to step down. That's totally unfair. He's a former high school wrestling coach. What would he know about the harassment of young boys? All he knows is if you pull it, you ice it." --Stephen Colbert

Apparently, instead of voting 'Aye,' Foley voted 'Oh God yes!'

"I don't know how long Mark Foley will be in rehab, but I'm pretty sure they don't want him home answering the door on Halloween." --Jay Leno

"Have you all been following this scandal in Washington with ex-Congressman Mark Foley? Well, a couple of days ago, he checked himself into rehab. It had gotten so bad he had to go out and develop a drinking problem. The ex-congressman, if nothing else, is contrite. He says when he gets out of rehab, he wants a fresh start and to turn over a new page." --David Letterman

"I have the latest on the Mark Foley sex scandal. Apparently, new evidence that just came out shows that former Congressman Mark Foley once engaged in Internet sex with a former page while a vote was being taken in the House. Apparently, instead of voting 'Aye,' Foley voted 'Oh God yes!'" --Conan O'Brien