It's like we're all married to Kevin Federline (he's kind of a bummer to hang out with)

"Here's a good reason to drink, Congress has approved a new ceiling for the national debt. They had to, because the current national debt was starting to go so high that it was going to go past the legal limit, so they just raised it. And our new national debt is $9 trillion, not million, not billion. To put $9 trillion in perspective, that is more than Oprah makes in a week. It works out to about $30,000 in debt to every single American, including kids. In other words, the government has borrowed $30,000 from each of us and blown it all on Hummers and grenade launchers. It's like we're all married to Kevin Federline." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is reported to be the 12th time Harold Camping has predicted the end of the world, the first time being in 1978. Not only is he bad at predicting things but he's kind of a bummer to hang out with." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You realize you're exhausted from watching other men play sports? (It's like we're all married to Kevin Federline)

Did you see that baseball game last night? 14 innings. It was the

second-longest game in World Series history, it was brutal. I'm

exhausted. My wife said to me this morning, “You realize you're

exhausted from watching other men play sports?”

–Jimmy Kimmel

"Here's a good reason to drink, Congress has approved a new ceiling

for the national debt. They had to, because the current national debt

was starting to go so high that it was going to go past the legal limit,

so they just raised it. And our new national debt is $9 trillion, not

million, not billion. To put $9 trillion in perspective, that is more

than Oprah makes in a week. It works out to about $30,000 in debt

to every single American, including kids. In other words, the

government has borrowed $30,000 from each of us and blown it

all on Hummers and grenade launchers. It's like we're all married

to Kevin Federline." --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

a Cadillac GTS, a Lexus, ten Rascal scooters and a hearse (It's like we're all married to Kevin Federline)

"This is interesting, according to vehicle registration records, John and Cindy McCain own 13 cars and Barack and Michelle Obama only have one car. They have one car, and the McCains have 13. Which, to be fair, is like only one for each house. But the Obamas share a Ford Escape Hybrid. And the McCains have a Cadillac GTS, a Lexus, ten Rascal scooters and a hearse." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Here's a good reason to drink, Congress has approved a new ceiling for the national debt. They had to, because the current national debt was starting to go so high that it was going to go past the legal limit, so they just raised it. And our new national debt is $9 trillion, not million, not billion. To put $9 trillion in perspective, that is more than Oprah makes in a week. It works out to about $30,000 in debt to every single American, including kids. In other words, the government has borrowed $30,000 from each of us and blown it all on Hummers and grenade launchers. It's like we're all married to Kevin Federline." --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the trifecta of the recession! (get your stick of butter baked)

August 2011

"Congress is now appointing a debt committee to deal with the debt. I thought Congress was the debt committee. Aren't they the ones who put us in debt?" –Jay Leno 

"President Obama said this week that the downgrading of our credit rating should give America 'a renewed sense of urgency.' A renewed sense of urgency? When was this not urgent? The only people that don't think it's urgent are the Congressmen that just went on a five-week vacation. Can we get their asses back here?" –Jay Leno

"Did you know that China has the exact same credit rating that we do? You'd think their credit would be better, but it's not. You know why? Look who owes them all the money. They know we don't have it." –Jay Leno

"Finally some good news: the price of gas is going down. They say it could soon be under three dollars a gallon. Do you know what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to live in, go by the job you used to have, and go see the bank where you used to have money. It's the trifecta of the recession!" –Jay Leno

"The new specialty at the Iowa fair this year is fried butter on a stick. Of course, if you're like me and you want like to eat healthy, get your stick of butter baked." –Jay Leno 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He is not the kind of guy you want to leave dangling (42% of the cake)

August 2011

"Happy birthday to President Obama. It's hard to believe that just a year ago, Obama was in his 40s and his approval rating was in the 50s. Now it's the other way around." –Jay Leno

"There was a big 50th birthday party for President Obama in Chicago. It was kind of ironic at the party; the richest 1% of the guests took 42% of the cake. That was kind of interesting." –Jay Leno

"Because it's the big 5-0, the White House released his vital numbers: they say his cholesterol is 209, blood pressure's 105 over 62, but the number that is really going to kill him? Unemployment at 9.4%. That's the bad one." –Jay Leno

"They say because of our national debt every child born in this country owes $50,000. China had a message for those kids: 'We're hiring! Come on down! Make sneakers.'" –Jay Leno

"It's being rumored that former Congressman Anthony Weiner, 'the peter Tweeter,' is being considered as a contestant on 'Dancing with the Stars.' The producers haven't told him one way or the other whether he's going to get the job. Anthony Weiner is not the kind of guy you want to leave dangling." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Now he can embarrass the President without even opening his mouth (honorary air traffic controller)

"Vice President Joe Biden fell asleep during Obama's speech. He has now been named an honorary air traffic controller." –Jay Leno

"Joe Biden apparently fell asleep during President Obama's speech on reducing national debt yesterday. Now Joe Biden can embarrass the President without even opening his mouth." –Jay Leno

"Well folks, this just in: a federal jury found Barry Bonds guilty on one count. Barry Bonds guilty on one count and could serve 21 months in prison. So that should be a lesson. If you're a celebrity and you use drugs, and you want to avoid prison, you better be Charlie Sheen." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of 'Celebrity Apprentice' wraps up. Say what you want about Trump, at least this guy has his priorities in order. He doesn't want to let any reality get in the way of his reality show." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

put democracy on hold to watch burly guys smash each other in the face (14 trillion dollar bills)

"Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty announced that he will seek the Republican presidential nomination. He has a slogan to win over the Republicans: 'Vote for me, I'm not Trump.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Canada may postpone an important political debate because it may conflict with a hockey game. An entire nation is willing to put democracy on hold to watch burly guys smash each other in the face. That is awesome." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama laid out his plan to reduce the $14 trillion national debt. Unfortunately for Sasha and Malia, it involves selling a lot of Girl Scout cookies." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If you stacked 14 trillion dollar bills on top of each other, the stack would almost definitely fall over and kill everyone in the United States." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Oprah says that the president and first lady will appear on her April 2 show. At the end, she'll be giving them away." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

because, honestly, none of us know where Libya is (It's like we're all married to Kevin Federline)

"Charlie Sheen is still a big story because, honestly, none of us know where Libya is." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama has to cut his trip to Latin America short because of the situation in Libya — and to check on his NCAA brackets." –Jimmy Kimmel

"No one can agree on how to spell Gadhafi's name. He's like the Hanukkah of dictators." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Here's a good reason to drink, Congress has approved a new ceiling for the national debt. They had to, because the current national debt was starting to go so high that it was going to go past the legal limit, so they just raised it. And our new national debt is $9 trillion, not million, not billion. To put $9 trillion in perspective, that is more than Oprah makes in a week. It works out to about $30,000 in debt to every single American, including kids. In other words, the government has borrowed $30,000 from each of us and blown it all on Hummers and grenade launchers. It's like we're all married to Kevin Federline." --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I dare her to put on a leather mask and say that to my... (In a related story, Pope Francis is missing)

"TSA Chief John Pistole says he and his boss Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano have each personally received the more invasive TSA patdown. They both had it. Ya, it's been called the world's least sexy threesome." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump wants to see if people think he should run for President. So a website has been launched called 'Shouldtrumprun.com.' Yeah, don't worry the American public has responded with their own website 'No.com.'" –Conan O'Brien

Pope Francis is calling for an audit of all the Catholic Church’s wealth. In a related story, Pope Francis is missing. –Conan O’Brien

"Senator Hillary Clinton said she is in favor of building a wall between Mexico and the United States. After hearing this, former President Bill Clinton said, 'She means a metaphorical wall of silence and resentment. Trust me.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright called North Korea's leader Kim Jung Il a pervert. In response, Kim Jung Il said 'I dare her to put on a leather mask and say that to my ass.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I’ll show you Pelosi, I’ll impeach myself! (Aw, but that's what made it exciting!)

House speaker Nancy Pelosi is making headlines after telling reporters that she is not in favor of impeaching President Trump because, “He’s just not worth it.” Not worth it? What does that mean? I’m sorry. Is she saving impeachment for a second president we don’t know about? At the same time, Pelosi told reporters that she believes Trump is “intellectually unfit” for office. I’ve heard of “too big to fail” but this is the first time I’ve heard “Too dumb to impeach.” Now, I think I know what this is - this is clearly Nancy Pelosi’s attempt at reverse psychology. She’s hoping Trump is going to be like, “Not worth impeachment? Wrong! I’ll show you Pelosi, I’ll impeach myself!” --James Corden

A park in Pennsylvania is closing one of its roads on rainy nights for the next month so that amphibians, like frogs and salamanders, can mate without threat from passing cars. Said one frog, "Aw, but that's what made it exciting!" --Seth Meyers

According to a new study on sleep habits, people who identify as early risers have more sex than those who identify as night owls. Yeah, that is what they mean by the early bird gets the worm. I get it now. --James Corden

And finally, the news from my homeland. A burglar in London recently attempted to sneak into a building through the backyard area and ended up disturbing the owners beehive and the burglar was then chased away by a swarm of 80,000 angry bees. It sounds like this guy was the victim of a sting operation. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You see what happens when we put Lindsay Lohan in jail? (Another fiscally responsible republican)

"Newt Gingrich said President Obama is out of touch with how the world works. Then Gingrich was like, 'Hold on, I think someone is faxing me something.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A group called the Center for American Progress is using Justin Bieber in their marketing to help get out the vote in November. And really, what better symbol to get out the vote than someone who is way too young to vote and Canadian." –Jay Leno

"New FBI statistics say that crime in the United States fell 5 percent from last year. You see what happens when we put Lindsay Lohan in jail?" –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

the highest concentration of smart people in the United States (45% of Union workers are Women)

"The countdown is now under way for what a lot of people are calling, the wedding of the year — on July 31 Chelsea Clinton is getting married. Bill and Hillary are thrilled; they say they don't care who the groom is as long as it's not Levi Johnston." –Jay Leno

"According to a study by the Brookings institution, Washington D.C. has the highest concentration of smart people in the United States. Lets see; we have a mess in the Gulf, we have a dysfunctional Homeland Security, and we are $13 trillion in debt. Imagine how bad it would be if these people weren't geniuses." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

This could cripple the bolo tie industry (thank God that can never happen here)

"Folks, we're starting to learn more and more about that man arrested in the New York SUV car bombing case. His name is Faisal Shahzad. He's from Pakistan. What tipped off the authorities he might be the bomber? His name is Faisal Shahzad. He's from Pakistan." –Jay Leno

"I don't understand the United Nations. They have selected Iran to sit on the U.N.'s women's rights panel. Iran! Also on the panel — Chris Brown, Phil Spector, Robert Blake and committee chairman O.J. Simpson." –Jay Leno

"Greece has a national debt that is so large, they can never pay it back. Well, thank God that can never happen here." –Jay Leno

"And to protest Arizona's tough new immigration law, a lot of people now boycotting products made in that state. This could cripple the bolo tie industry." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

but instead of gold everything he touches turns to crimes (you're gonna want someone reasonable within tackling distance)

It is no secret that the Trump administration has like a lot going on right now. First of all everything Trump has ever been involved in is being investigated. His company, his charity, his presidential campaign, his inauguration. His presidency is like he has the Midas touch, but instead of gold everything he touches turns to crimes. --Trevor Noah, The Daily Show

The chief of staff job search frustrated Trump so much he just decided he'd hire whoever came through the door next. And I'm just saying we should be grateful that Mick Mulvaney got the job and not the White House Roomba. --Trevor Noah, The Daily Show

I know that seems weird but at least we know that Mick Mulvaney's normal. So when Trump goes for that nuclear football you're gonna want someone reasonable within tackling distance. That's all I'm saying. --Trevor Noah, The Daily Show

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

So everyone check your card. You might have impeachment Bingo (another fiscally responsible republican)

Wll last week was a pretty bad year for Donald Trump. Think about what’s currently under investigation for him. Trump’s campaign, his transition, his inauguration, his business and his presidency. So everyone check your card. You might have impeachment Bingo. --Colin Jost, SNL

This is a lot of legal trouble for any president. Me, I’m not a lawyer, but neither is Trump’s lawyer. This week Michael Cohen was sentenced to three years in prison and he claimed he only committed his crimes out of a blind loyalty to Trump. But Cohen was clearly a crook before he met Donald Trump. You know how I know? He was hired by Donald Trump. The only questions on a Trump application are: Do you do crimes? And, wanna do more? --Colin Jost, SNL

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Look it's that thing from Schoolhouse Rock! (Another fiscally responsible republican)

According to a new survey this year the most popular name for boys is Michael.  And coincidentally the most popular name for people being sued by boys is also Michael. --Conan O’Brien 9/16/2004

In preparation for his inaugural tomorrow President Bush visited the National Archives and he was shown an original copy of the US Constitution. When Bush saw the Constitution he said, “Look it's that thing from Schoolhouse Rock.” --Conan O’Brien 1/19/2005

Starbucks announced this week that from now on new Starbucks employees will be required to go through 32 hours of training to work at Starbucks. The first hour Starbucks employees learn how to make a cup of coffee then the next 31 hours they learn how to charge four dollars with a straight face.  --Conan O’Brien 3/11/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The opposite of what America does (DEMENTED THEFT OF MY HEALTHY DESSERT ALTERNATIVES)

Seems like an all-caps note is not necessarily the way to deal with a hostile foreign leader. It's barely the way to deal with a coworker who keeps stealing your yogurt from the fridge. "To the person who keeps stealing my yogurt: 

NEVER, EVER TOUCH MY YOPLAIT WHIPS AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT THE BREAK ROOM HAVE SUFFERED BEFORE. I AM NO LONGER A PAYROLL ASSISTANT WHO WILL STAND FOR YOUR DEMENTED THEFT OF MY HEALTHY DESSERT ALTERNATIVES. BE CAUTIOUS!” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Detroit is still hard at work on an SUV that runs on rain forest trees and panda blood (Too obvious?)

"Earlier this week at the White House -- historic. Barack Obama met with all three living ex-presidents and one current brain-dead president." --Jay Leno

"The current national debt is estimated at over $10 trillion, which breaks down to about 35,000 dollars for every man, woman and child in the country. If you lay that much money end to end in $1 bills, most of it would be stolen by Bernie Madoff." --Seth Meyers

"Toyota's developing a miniature, environmentally-friendly car that is powered entirely by a rechargeable battery. Yeah. Meanwhile, Detroit is still hard at work on an SUV that runs on rain forest trees and panda blood." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Scary Numbers/pardoning the corned beef/it was bound to happen

"They were celebrating St. Patrick's Day down in Washington and, of course, President Bush was so confused. He comes out on the White House lawn and pardons the corned beef. " --David Letterman

"And then, of course, more news on the Spitzer scandal. It was reported today that the prostitute in the Eliot Spitzer scandal also had sex with Charlie Sheen. When asked about it, Sheen said, 'Hey, she's a prostitute, I'm Charlie Sheen, it was bound to happen.'" --Conan O'Brien

"But how many of you folks go to the St. Patrick's Day Parade here in New York City? Well, a lot of Irish dignitaries at the parade. You had O'Connor, you had O'Hare, you had Obama, what?" --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

The FBI is investigating Americans for opposing the war (your F looks like a C)

"Jessica Simpson was scheduled to meet with President Bush on behalf of her favorite charity, Operation Smile, but changed her mind when she found out the event was a Republican Party fundraiser. Fortunately former President Clinton has stepped up and volunteered to meet with Jessica himself about this important charitable event and not at a fundraiser, at a totally nonpartisan Ramada Inn well outside of Washington D.C." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I know the country has been mired in deficit spending and it's been terrible burden on the country in terms of interest payments. Good news today out of Washington. They haven't paid down the debt or come up with any program to do so. What they did is raise the limit of debt we can go to $9 trillion. It sends a great message to the kids: Hey, are you getting an F? Don't study harder, make the grading curve go out to K. Then your F looks like a C." --Jon Stewart

"The FBI is investigating Americans -- just for opposing the war. You know, maybe when we're done establishing a democracy in  Iraq, we could try it over here. Stop, I don't want to get investigated, don't applaud!" --Jay Leno