Who does she think she is, herself? (What Pet Should I Get)

According to Vanity Fair, the Queen of England has four alcoholic beverages every day, including a glass of champagne before bed. Champagne before bed?! Who does she think she is, herself? –Seth Meyers

A new book by Dr. Seuss came out today called "What Pet Should I Get." He was inspired to write it when his wife said, “I want a baby.” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

NHL: Toronto Maple Leafs vs Edmonton Oilers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

NHL: Toronto Maple Leafs vs Edmonton Oilers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

What could possibly go wrong? (Spotted Dick’s Custard Explosion)

“Last weekend in Glasgow, a Willy Wonka-inspired experience was brought to a halt following complaints it was ‘an absolute shambles of an event’ after families traveled from all over, paying $40 a ticket for an ‘exhilarating and immersive adventure’ called Willy’s Chocolate Experience. Still better than the English attraction: Spotted Dick’s Custard Explosion.” —Stephen Colbert

“But when people showed up, they found something very different from what they found on the website. What they found was basically a big empty warehouse with vinyl backdrops tacked to the wall. They got to see Willy Wonka’s famous portable power generator, and they got to meet what appears to be a meth lab Oompa Loompa.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Parents were very upset. They called the police on the place. I have to say, though, honestly, I feel like the kids learned an important lesson about how disappointing the rest of their lives are going to be.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

America’s already scheduled a plague Armageddon (Dunder Mifflin’s Scranton branch)

September 2021

“There is a potential for a government shutdown looming. It would be what one economist called ‘financial Armageddon.’ That’s bad news and even worse timing, because America’s already scheduled a plague Armageddon, a climate Armageddon and a democracy Armageddon.” — Stephen Colbert

“Yes, for one magical vote a year, senators leave the mortal world behind and enter an enchanted land of reconciliation. [singing to the tune of ‘Pure Imagination’ from ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’] Come with me, and you’ll be / In a world of reconciliation / It’s our sole remedy / Except for pure intoxication.” —Stephen Colbert

“Reconciliation is a phantasmagorical place of legislative wonder, where anything can happen. Who knows — maybe even something!” —Stephen Colbert

“Congress — that’s the only workplace less productive than Dunder Mifflin’s Scranton branch.” —Trevor Noah

“Republicans aren’t making it any easier, of course. They’ve already deployed their go-to weapon that always stops the Democrats from getting things done: other Democrats.” —James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now what lies from the ultra-rich and corporations would you like to feed me? (It's called the First Amendment)

June 2013

"The mystery is over. After a month of waiting, it turns out that an 84-year-old woman in Florida has won the $590 million Powerball lottery. As for how much tax she's going to have to pay, the IRS said it's too early to tell because they don't know whether she's a Republican or Democrat." –Jay Leno

"The IRS spent $4 million on a conference in Anaheim that included luxury hotel suites, passes to theme parks, and tickets to sporting events. They say they're not sure of the exact amount they spent because they didn't keep any receipts. I think Wesley Snipes is saying, 'Hey, what about me? I didn't have my receipts.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama has called on Congress to pass a media shield law that would allow reporters to do their job without fear of government prosecution. Don't we already have that? It's called the First Amendment." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, boy. We know what “pause” means (Marvel’s most useless superhero)

April 2021

“The F.D.A. advised a pause in using the Johnson & Johnson Covid vaccine because six recipients developed blood clots within two weeks of vaccination. That’s right, they’re recommending a pause. Then anyone who’s ever been dumped was like: ‘Oh, boy. We know what “pause” means.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“But statistically speaking, six is not that significant, since nearly seven million people in the U.S. have received Johnson & Johnson shots so far. That’s less than one in a million. To put that in perspective, it’s slightly better odds than you have of getting to visit Willy Wonka’s Fantabulous Chocolate Factory, which, for the record, kills or maims four out of the five children who step foot inside.” —Stephen Colbert

“You realize that means you’re more likely to get struck by lightning 10 times, which, by the way, is the origin story of Marvel’s most useless superhero.” —Trevor Noah

“That means the odds are less than one in a million. It’s .0000009 — that’s more zeros than in the Trump family.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“And don’t forget, yes, yes — you might have a 0.0001 percent chance of getting blood clots from this vaccine, but if you get coronavirus, you can get lung damage, heart damage, neurological damage, strokes, seizures, Guillain-Barré syndrome, immune disorders, erectile dysfunction and, get this, also blood clots.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he showed up at the trial looking like a priest walking into a porno theater (The Killer Behind You)

In a new book, John Bolton claims that last August, President Trump told him directly that he was holding up aid to Ukraine until they investigate the Bidens. Hey guys, what’s up with the books? When there’s an emergency, just tell us right away. If you’re friends about to get murdered, you don’t go off and write a novel called, “The Killer Behind You.” —Colin Jost

Harvey Weinstein showed up to a court appearance with a walker. And then like Willy Wonka, he dropped the walker, did a somersault and ejaculated into a plant. —Colin Jost

Krispy Kreme doughnuts is opening a flagship store in Times Square. Every time I walk through Times Square, I step in something that can best be described as Krispy Kreme. —Colin Jost

Trump’s other attorney was Clinton impeachment prosecutor Ken Starr, who lamented that presidential impeachment has become a weapon to be welded against on’e political opponent. Which is a quote so hypocritical, even a guy like Ken Starr has to be ashamed to make it. Maybe that’s why he showed up at the trial looking like a priest walking into a porno theater. —Colin Jost

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the largest gathering of people who believe that vaccines are witchcraft (I will never have to take Viagra again)

President Trump spoke at the CPAC Convention today. For those of you who don’t know what CPAC is, it’s the largest gathering of people who believe that vaccines are witchcraft. --Jimmy Kimmel

It came out that Trump ranks his favorite Fox News reporters on how much they are loyal to him. Sean Hannity gets a 10. He gets an 11 if he’s wearing heels. But Trump’s top ranking host is Fox and Friends host Steve Doocy, who gets a 12. When Doocy heard this he said, “I will never have to take Viagra again.” --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Capital One: What’s in your wallet? (a signed affidavit attesting that I love you)

Michael Cohen testified that not only did Trump reimburse him for the Stormy Daniels payoff while in office, he brought a copy of the check. Take a look: From Donald Trump to Michael Cohen, totaling $35,000, from Capital One Bank. Which makes sense, because their slogan is “Capital One: What’s in your wallet?” “Oh, damning evidence of campaign fraud? Yikes!” --Stephen Colbert

Michael Cohen also confessed to lying to the First Lady about the affair at Trump’s request. That’s the sign of a healthy relationship. Colbert as Trump, “Babe, I never cheated on you. Now, I’d prefer if any further questions about my affection and loyalty go to my lawyer, who has prepared a signed affidavit attesting that I love you.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

So they’ve narrowed the problem to things he’s done (Trust Revoked)

Today brought President Trump a new reason to freak out, when House Judiciary chairman Jerry Nadler announced a sweeping investigation into President Trump’s campaign, businesses, transition and administration. So they’ve narrowed the problem to things he’s done. --Stephen Colbert

And the House democrats aren’t messing around. They’ve sent document requests to 81 people and entities, including the Trump campaign, the Trump Foundation, the Trump Organization, the Trump Transition, and something called the Donald J. Trump Revocable Trust. Well, I think it’s safe to say, Trust Revoked. --Stephen Colbert

Trump’s bad week really got into gear with the House Oversight Committee’s hearing for former Trump lawyer and kid being told by his parents that the divorce IS his fault, Michael Cohen. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

from now on, all bribe money has to be in a clear plastic bag (Cheney said it was just an accident)

"This week senators passed a limited ethics bill. It's something congress knows a lot about. Limited ethics. Some of the new rules are pretty tough, like from now on, all bribe money has to be in a clear plastic bag." --Jay Leno

"The Chinese president, President Hu, visited the White House. He received a 21-gun salute although Cheney said it was just an accident." --Jay Leno

"The latest in Iraq: the government has ceased to function. It's kind of like the Bush White House, but with more oil." --Jay Leno

"But not all the generals are against him. He still has the support of a lot of generals: General Electric, General Dynamics, General Motors." --Jay Leno, on generals calling for Donald Rumsfeld's resignation

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the most difficult part was finding time to film the commercial between real orgasms (Where you in a coma from 2001 until 2009?)

It's been reported that Christina Aguilera has been paid close to 1 million dollars to film a commercial where she fakes an orgasm. Aguilera said the most difficult part was finding time to film the commercial between real orgasms. --Conan O’Brien 4/29/2004

It's been reported that a woman who was once Playboy magazines Miss November has come out of the closet and revealed she's a lesbian. Apparently it was pretty obvious since her list of turn ons included Miss October. --Conan O’Brien 1/22/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The Pope thought the actor was very believable as Jesus (Green Eggs, Hold the Ham)

Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ after what two weeks is still number one at the box office. Yesterday at the Vatican Pope John Paul II actually met with the actor who plays Jesus in the Passion of the Christ. The Pope thought the actor was very believable as Jesus because afterwards he said tell your dad I said hi. --Conan O’Brien 3/16/2004

A group of Catholic Boston Red Sox fans have asked the city's bishop to allow them to eat meat on Good Friday because they want to eat hotdogs on opening day. The bishop turned the group down because he says Good Friday is about suffering and so is being a Red Sox fan. --Conan O’Brien 3/16/2004

For the first time ever a copy of Dr. Seuss's book The Cat in the Hat came out in Yiddish. They're also coming out with another Yiddish Dr. Seuss book book called Green Eggs, Hold the Ham. --Conan O’Brien 3/16/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

He's going to stop making insensitive racial slurs and start focusing on beating the Redskins (one of them is Billy Joel)

Yesterday Dallas head coach Bill Parcells apologized for making an insensitive remark about Japanese people. In his apology Parcells said I'm going to stop making insensitive racial slurs and start focusing on beating the Redskins. --Conan O’Brien 6/8/2004

Despite record gas prices more than 36 million people are expected to hit the roads over Memorial Day weekend. 36 million people. The scary part is one of them is Billy Joel. --Conan O’Brien 5/28/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Al Qaeda calls that 'a wardrobe malfunction.' (MSNBC sent cheese fries)

"Rush Limbaugh is OK after being released from a Hawaiian hospital after a heart scare. Fox News sent flowers; MSNBC sent cheese fries." –Jay Leno

"Actually, no one knows what caused Rush Limbaugh's chest pains. But if you're Rush Limbaugh, it could have been a number of things. I mean, the economy's getting better, the health care bill is going to pass; the Republicans are having trouble raising money. It could be any one of those things." –Jay Leno

"He tried to detonate the bomb in his underwear. Fortunately, it didn't go off and his underpants just caught fire. Al Qaeda calls that 'a wardrobe malfunction.'" –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

When a wrecking ball comes crashing through the windshield of your Honda Accord (It was probably your new friend)

"Ashton Kutcher, apparently, has been going it with CNN. He has been competing with them to see who can get to a million followers on Twitter first. I guess Ashton and CNN have been rivals since high school. Ashton won the race, and there was some back talk, some smack talk between him and Larry King, all in good fun. He and Larry are friends, their wives are the same age."  --Jimmy Kimmel

"They're very competitive, and Ashton came out on top, so one million people are now following Ashton Kutcher's Tweets. Why would anyone want to be Ashton Kutcher's online friend? Haven't they seen what he does to his friends in real life? When a wrecking ball comes crashing through the windshield of your Honda Accord, don't be surprised. It was probably your new friend." --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Tell Me, were you in a coma from 2001 until 2009? (Oh, Truuuump!)

Everyone's in a celebratory mood. I'm not surprised. Happy holidays! It's Shark Week! Merry Shark-mas! Or, for my Jewish shark viewers: Mazel-teeth! --Stephen Colbert

And why is this Shark Week different from all other Shark Weeks? Because this is the first Shark Week since we learned that, in an attempt to seduce Stormy Daniels, Trump invited her to watch two and a half hours of Shark Week. Or as the kids call it, Netflix and krill. --Stephen Colbert

Speaking of Stormy Daniels, it's time for tonight's edition of "Stormy Watch: Karen McDougal Edition!" McDougal is the former Playboy Playmate who allegedly had a year-long affair with Donald Trump, beginning just three months after the birth of his and Melania's son, roughly the same time as he slept with Stormy Daniels. That's dangerous! You don’t want to risk that! Can you imagine he's having sex and calls out the wrong mistress' name? I'm joking, of course. Just kidding, he screams out his own name. "Oh, Truuuump!" --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

See, it's complicated, right? It's not so easy. Doors are hard (In the Senate, you have to be all three)

"Down in Louisiana, a porn star named Stormy Daniels announced that before she commits to running for U.S. Senate, she will go on a statewide listening tour. Daniels added, and I'm quoting here, that she may 'be a slut and a whore, but' she is 'not a criminal.' But this is why she will never win. See, in the Senate, you have to be all three." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, when President Obama -- this is true -- was getting into his helicopter, he accidentally bumped his head on the door. It was in the news, and when he heard about it, President Bush said, 'See, it's complicated, right? It's not so easy. Doors are hard.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

JOKES: Donald Trump accidentally paid some taxes (Maddow Ryan Seacrested us!)

The show starts, she does a 19-minute-long monologue about why it’s important to see a president’s tax returns, then says, “We’ll see Donald Trump’s taxes after this.” She Ryan Seacrested us! –Jimmy Kimmel

According to the first two pages, Trump made $150 million in income, paid $38 million in taxes in 2005. Some people were surprised he paid any taxes at all. 2005 was an off year for everyone. Johnny Depp made that Willy Wonka movie. Kanye West and George Bush had that problem. Harry Potter’s goblet caught on fire. And Donald Trump accidentally paid some taxes. –Jimmy Kimmel

Here’s the thing: Donald Trump is never going to release his taxes — or the kraken, or Melania, for that matter. –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html