He's wishing everybody happy Chaka Khan (Don't come in here!)

You guys, this Sunday is the first night of Hanukkah. Which means we're just two days away from President Trump going on Twitter and wishing everybody happy Chaka Khan. --Jimmy Fallon

Trump and Mitt Romney were spotted having dinner here New York last night, and everyone’s talking about Romney’s expression. It got even worse when the spaghetti came and Trump said, “Ever see ‘Lady and the Tramp’?” –Jimmy Fallon

Today was Cyber Monday, where they offer a lot of really good deals just to online shoppers. It's the only day of the year where guys have an innocent reason for quickly shutting their laptops and saying "Don't come in here!" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And I think you know that a guy really cares when he tweets from his yacht (Happy harmonica)

"Guess who's running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What language did his brother speak? What was that? " –David Letterman

"I feel like Bush presidencies are like 'Godfather' films. You should stop at two." –David Letterman

"People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. In his defense, Tony twittered that the oil spill was still his top priority. And I think you know that a guy really cares when he tweets from his yacht." –David Letterman

"Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, earlier tonight, down in Washington, the annual White House Hanukkah party. I think it probably went better than it did last year. Do you remember last year, how embarrassing it was, George Bush hosting the annual White House Hanukkah party? And he greets everybody as they come in and he says, 'Happy harmonica.'" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Everyone knows he is an orchid guy, so that's a bit of a f— you (But the bribes miraculously lasted for 8 whole days)

"Yes, (Jack Abramoff attended) only two Hanukkah receptions (at the White House). But the bribes miraculously lasted for 8 whole days." --Jon Stewart

 

"The Republican Party is still dealing with the fallout from the Jack Abramoff corruption scandal. The latest victim: Ohio Congressman and Three-Time World Comb-Over Champion Bob Ney. Ney stepped down from his position as House Administration Committee chairman this week while he's under investigation. That chairmanship goes to the next highest ranking Republican on the committee, Representative Giant Pile Of Jack Abramoff's Money." –Jon Stewart

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad became the first Middle Eastern leader to visit Iraq since Saddam Hussein fell, of let's say natural causes. Obviously, a visit from the Iranian leader to Iraq prompts some concern, and still President Bush has a clear message he would like the Iraqis to deliver to Ahmadinejad [on screen: President Bush saying, 'The message needs to be quit sending in sophisticated equipment that is killing our citizens. Stop exporting terror. The international community is serious about continuing to isolate Iran']. A strong message to send, but the Iraqi government owes us. I mean, they owe their life to us. Certainly the president's message will be delivered. Here's Ahmadinejad getting off the plane. They'll hit him. Wait, what? [on screen: Ahmadinejad arrives to a red carpet and a child with flowers]. There appears to be kissing. Alright, now here's where they'll execute him. No, he's being greeted by a child with flowers. A red carpet and a child with flowers. Okay. To the untrained eye that may appear to be gracious, maybe even a warm welcome, but I do want to point out that that little girl gave him chrysanthemums. Everyone knows he is an orchid guy, so that's a bit of a f— you." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Iraq the Musical (Happy harmonica)

"Congress repealed 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'. The Pentagon can now start production on 'Iraq the Musical.'" –David Letterman

"They have built now, robotic women. They're anatomically correct, they have synthetic skin, and they can carry on minimal conversations. As a matter of fact, the Republican Party wants to run one for vice president." –David Letterman

"Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, earlier tonight, down in Washington, the annual White House Hanukkah party. I think it probably went better than it did last year. Do you remember last year, how embarrassing it was, George Bush hosting the annual White House Hanukkah party? And he greets everybody as they come in and he says, 'Happy harmonica.'" –David Letterman

"The most annoying word of the year is 'whatever.' As always, No. 2 is 'Limbaugh.'" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you are anti-antifa, guess what you are (Happy harmonica/Living Nightmare)

"Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, earlier tonight, down in Washington,

the annual White House Hanukkah party. I think it probably went better

than it did last year. Do you remember last year, how embarrassing it was,

George Bush hosting the annual White House Hanukkah party? And he

greets everybody as they come in and he says, 'Happy harmonica.'"

–David Letterman

A study has confirmed that eating less increases your lifespan. The study goes on to advise the residents of Wisconsin to get their affairs in order. –Conan O’Brien

Today, Queen Elizabeth stepped down as the patron of children’s charities. The queen said, “I just realized I really hate kids.” –Conan O’Brien

"Computer technicians in Washington say they have found 22 million missing emails from President George W. Bush's Administration. And you can tell the emails are from the Bush Administration because they all begin, 'Dear Santa.'" –Conan O'Brien

Facebook is testing a new group phone call feature that will let you talk on the phone with up to 50 friends at once. If you want to try it, you go to Facebook, you click on “Features,” and then select “Living Nightmare.” –Jimmy Fallon

Facebook launched its year in review feature, which brings up some of your top Facebook photos from the past year. It should be a huge improvement over its original name, parade of regrets. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

Will you play Chopin on a kazoo to my weasel? (Happy harmonica)

"Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, earlier tonight, down in Washington,

the annual White House Hanukkah party. I think it probably went better

than it did last year. Do you remember last year, how embarrassing it was,

George Bush hosting the annual White House Hanukkah party? And he

greets everybody as they come in and he says, 'Happy harmonica.'"

–David Letterman

A study has confirmed that eating less increases your lifespan. The study

goes on to advise the residents of Wisconsin to get their affairs in order.

–Conan O’Brien

Today, Queen Elizabeth stepped down as the patron of children’s

charities. The queen said, “I just realized I really hate kids.” –Conan O’Brien

"Computer technicians in Washington say they have found 22 million

missing emails from President George W. Bush's Administration.

And you can tell the emails are from the Bush Administration because

they all begin, 'Dear Santa.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry  

 

they both involve a mysterious, endless supply of oil (Damn, this guy spins more than I do)

December 2020

“There was a peak Trump-era moment in which Fox News interrupted his campaign-style event for Operation Warp Speed, the administration’s vaccine initiative, to inform viewers of the supreme court’s dismissal of the Trump campaign’s Hail Mary lawsuit to overturn the election in Pennsylvania. I’m not sure there’s a single moment that captures this farce better. It’s like if halfway through Sesame Street, Big Bird interrupted a song about the alphabet, looked straight into the camera and said: ‘Breaking news, kid. No one likes you, and you’re never going to learn how to spell.’” —Seth Meyers

President Trump attended a crowded Hanukkah party at the White House on Wednesday, once again falsely claiming he had won the election. Even the dreidel was looking at Trump like, ‘Damn, this guy spins more than I do.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“It’s probably good that Trump talked about the election. I feel like him winging the story of Hanukkah would have been worse. It’s like, ‘For eight nights, Jewish Santa would visit all the good little Kushners.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Now, that might seem like a pathetic old man clinging to past glory, but his claims of election fraud actually have a lot in common with Hanukkah — they both involve a mysterious, endless supply of oil.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

because, honestly, none of us know where Libya is (It's like we're all married to Kevin Federline)

"Charlie Sheen is still a big story because, honestly, none of us know where Libya is." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama has to cut his trip to Latin America short because of the situation in Libya — and to check on his NCAA brackets." –Jimmy Kimmel

"No one can agree on how to spell Gadhafi's name. He's like the Hanukkah of dictators." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Here's a good reason to drink, Congress has approved a new ceiling for the national debt. They had to, because the current national debt was starting to go so high that it was going to go past the legal limit, so they just raised it. And our new national debt is $9 trillion, not million, not billion. To put $9 trillion in perspective, that is more than Oprah makes in a week. It works out to about $30,000 in debt to every single American, including kids. In other words, the government has borrowed $30,000 from each of us and blown it all on Hummers and grenade launchers. It's like we're all married to Kevin Federline." --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

it's not exactly the resurrection of the Easter bunny, but it's fun for the kids (Out of force of habit, he blamed George Bush)

"Anderson Cooper did a show this week from inside that half-mile long drug smuggling tunnel between San Diego and Mexico. It's quite an amazing tunnel. It has lighting, ventilation, a rail car, a Starbucks..." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The miracle of Hanukkah is that there was only enough oil to keep the menorah lit for one night and it lasted for eight nights. As far as religious miracles go, it's not exactly the resurrection of the Easter bunny, but it's fun for the kids." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama received 12 stitches in his lip after being elbowed in the mouth during a basketball game. Out of force of habit, he blamed George Bush." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It's even worse than we thought. He's a Jewish Muslim (they want Brett Favre to play two more years)

"President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, 'It's even worse than we thought. He's a Jewish Muslim.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The government is considering raising the retirement age to 69. In other words, they want Brett Favre to play two more years." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President George W. Bush said he's a huge fan of his new iPad. Or as he called it, his 'glowing magic window.'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

Men apply the gel to themselves for about two minutes, then say, "You know what, I'm actually good." (We own a republican congressman)

Meanwhile in sexy coffee news, Starbucks says that it will start blocking pornography on its stores Wifi. You know what that means. You have one month to watch as much porn at Starbucks as you can! --Stephen Colbert

You guys, this Sunday is the first night of Hanukkah. Which means we're just two days away from President Trump going on Twitter and wishing everybody happy Chaka Khan. --Jimmy Fallon

Scientists are studying whether a male birth control gel could replace condoms. It works really well, 'cause birth control gel sounds so gross, nobody will ever want to sleep with you. Here is how it works. Men apply the gel to themselves for about two minutes, then say, "You know what, I'm actually good." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Says the guy who lied about WMDs to invade Iraq (Happy harmonica)

"Computer technicians in Washington say they have found 22 million missing emails from President George W. Bush's Administration. And you can tell the emails are from the Bush Administration because they all begin, 'Dear Santa.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, earlier tonight, down in Washington, the annual White House Hanukkah party. I think it probably went better than it did last year. Do you remember last year, how embarrassing it was, George Bush hosting the annual White House Hanukkah party? And he greets everybody as they come in and he says, 'Happy harmonica.'" –David Letterman

"Governor Schwarzenegger is in a bit of a feud with former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin right now. They're fighting about global warming. Palin says it isn't proven. Schwarzenegger said she's 'living in the Stone Age.' And Palin really should know not to mess with Arnold Schwarzenegger. This guy has been systematically terminating women named Sarah for many years now." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

What's the worst Hanukkah gift you could give someone? (the Enola Really Gay)

"The country of Iran announced this week they're going to publish the writings and speeches of the Iranian president. Which, of course, answers the question. 'What's the worst Hanukkah gift you could give someone?" --Jay Leno

"The Pentagon has confirmed rumors that it tried to develop a gay bomb -- a bomb that used chemicals to make enemy soldiers attracted to one another. A documentary about the gay bomb will be broadcast on both the History Channel and Bravo. Insiders say this will be the biggest gay bomb since 'Rent' was made into a movie. They even devoted a special plane to drop the bomb. It's the Enola Really Gay." --Jay Leno

A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-

collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Can we vote for the horse? (One of our attorneys is Jewish)

Today was the big Alabama Senate election. And, as promised, Roy Moore rode his horse to the polls. But it got weird when people said, “Can we vote for the horse?” –Jimmy Fallon

The horse Roy Moore rode was named Sassy. And what doesn’t say “I’m innocent” like a 70-year-old man riding a horse named Sassy? –Jimmy Fallon

Last night Roy Moore's wife tried to defend him against bigotry claims by saying, quote, "One of our attorneys is a Jew." Soooo, happy first night of Hanukkah, everyone! –Jimmy Fallon

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulse #collectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

not, as we thought, completely missing (his speech on Jerusalem)

President Trump today hosted a Hanukkah reception at the White House. Trump loves Hanukkah, because no matter how he spells it, it’s probably right. –Seth Meyers

According to the New York Post, host Matt Lauer plans to disappear, play golf, and stay in the Hamptons after being fired. You hear that, Donald? If you let us fire you for sexual harassment, your life will be exactly the same. –Seth Meyers

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders responded to speculation about President Trump slurring his speech on Jerusalem yesterday, and said his throat was dry, and not, as we thought, completely missing. –Seth Meyers

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulse #collectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

You know, there's a legal term for those people: Men (The Other Bush Twins)

"There's a huge controversy after the Bush administration demanded that the search engine Google turn over records of people who search for pornography. You know, there's a legal term for those people: Men." --Jay Leno

"The new Osama bin Laden tape was originally broadcast on Al Jazeera and all the Al Jazeera viewers were really upset because it interrupted their new hit show, 'How I met your Camel.'" --David Letterman

"Yes, (Jack Abramoff attended) only two Hanukkah receptions (at the White House). But the bribes miraculously lasted for 8 whole days." --Jon Stewart 

Which button would I use to launch a nuclear strike against Alec Baldwin?

This weekend is SantaCon, which is the annual bar crawl where people dress up like Santa Claus for a day of drinking. That’s right, a drunken bar crawl wearing a Santa suit, or as the real Santa calls that —December 26. –Jimmy Fallon

A growing trend among families is giving their kids a few small presents ahead of Christmas to break up the tension of getting everything on Christmas Day. They actually have an interesting name for this — Hanukkah. –Jimmy Fallon

I heard that putting cinnamon and nutmeg into your baked goods for the holidays can actually reduce stress. Then certain other people were like, “I know something else you can put in your baked goods. Marijuana, dude!” –Jimmy Fallon

David and Victoria Beckham’s 11-year-old son Cruz just released his first single, called “If Every Day Was Christmas.” I’m pretty sure if you’re the son of David and Victoria Beckham, every day is Christmas. “I have my own butler and I’m quite good looking. Merry Christmas. I own a stadium.” I can’t relate to that song. –Jimmy Fallon