So, everyone is suffering (he's kind of a bummer to hang out with)

"This is reported to be the 12th time Harold Camping has predicted the end of the world, the first time being in 1978. Not only is he bad at predicting things but he's kind of a bummer to hang out with." –Jimmy Kimmel

"National parks are shut down. NASA is shut down. There is one government building still open. That is the congressional gym – the exclusive gym where congressmen work out. But the gym is not fully operational because towel service is no longer available due to the shutdown. So, everyone is suffering." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you press his paw, Trumpy Bear even writes a check to Barbie, and then calls her “Horseface.” (There goes our Christmas plans)

Over the weekend, Donald Trump joined dozens of other world leaders in France to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the end of World War I. Just to be safe, Trump brought a note from his doctor saying he absolutely couldn’t fight. --James Corden

There’s a new Christmas toy being advertised on Fox News. It’s Trumpy Bear! It’s pretty realistic. If you press his paw, Trumpy Bear even writes a check to Barbie, and then calls her “Horseface.” --James Corden

The Austrian government announced on Monday that they will be tearing down the house where Adolf Hitler was born. There goes our Christmas plans. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Not to brag... (So, no, Andrew Cuomo’s not taking the loss well)

On Tuesday, Zohran Mamdani was elected mayor of New York City. He was elected mayor despite his opponent, Andrew Cuomo, receiving endorsements from Donald Trump and Eric Adams, which is like trying to bring a girl home by saying, "Not to brag, but I have hepatitis B and C.” —Colin Jost

A video has gone viral of a man in Mexico coming up behind President Claudia Sheinbaum and trying to kiss and grope her. So, no, Andrew Cuomo’s not taking the loss well. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

One small silencing at a time (Release the Epstein files)

“At this point, finding a toenail in your salad has a seven-point lead over Donald Trump.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“If he’s looking to improve his approval numbers, I have an idea: Release the Epstein files.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“If the government shutdown lasts much longer soon when we fly we will have the same number of air traffic controllers the Wright brothers had.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I feel like my ratings should be higher, maybe? (Well, that makes two of us)

According to a new poll from YouGov, which is a serious polling site, or they were before this, I am more popular than the president of the United States. You remember the guy who keeps saying I have no ratings? Well, that makes two of us. — Jimmy Kimmel

“I’m at plus three, he’s at minus 13, which is nice, but it feels like — considering the fact that I’m not a convicted felon friend of Jeffrey Epstein and I’ve never paid off a porn star, sent a team of masked goons into a park to pull an old lady away from her grandchildren — I feel like my ratings should be higher, maybe?” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How about for each day of the shutdown, they release one name from the Epstein list? (the Grey’s Anatomy’of government shutdowns)

“Well, guys, after Congress failed to reach a spending deal, the government shut down for the first time since 2018. Yeah, as a result, all nonessential government workers will be sent home without pay. Today, President Trump looked at JD Vance and said, ‘[imitating Trump] JD, I’ll see you in a couple of weeks.’” — Jimmy Fallon

Thursday marked the second day of the government shutdown. No one has any idea how long it will last. People are calling it the ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ of government shutdowns. —Jimmy Fallon

“If this does last awhile, I think they should at least make it fun for the rest of us, right? I mean, how about for each day of the shutdown, they release one name from the Epstein list?” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don't think they need any help at making things go soft (she'll only train the dogs to...)

Rosie O'Donnell said ABC is going to cancel The View, but first it's going to soften it up. Although, I don't think they need any help at making things go soft. —Greg Gutfeld

Nancy Pelosi claims she's working for gender affirming care for trans kids. While many say there's no such thing as trans kids, Pelosi said, "Yeah, well, you said there's no such thing as vampires, and I feast on blood.” —Greg Gutfeld

Ghislaine Maxwell will not be permitted to train service dogs at her new prison. Officials fear she'll only train the dogs to fetch teenagers. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If his poll numbers get any worse, he’s going to start doing press conferences on top of the Washington monument (nah, not feeling it)

The the president was seen wandering around on the roof of the White House. Trump, with his approval rating now at an all-time low, went on the roof because “he can’t answer your questions if he can’t hear them. If his poll numbers get any worse, he’s going to start doing press conferences on top of the Washington monument.” —Seth Meyers

“Everything about this story is as shady as a cave. Ghislaine Maxwell was transferred to a cushier prison in Texas, and now sources are saying that she told the justice department that Trump never did anything concerning around her. “Well, he’s in the clear! Good work, gentleman! I know we all had our suspicions, but the convicted sex trafficker of underage girls didn’t see anything that concerned her. No red flags for Ghislaine during her decade-long career of underage sex trafficking. She said right here in the transcript: ‘What was Donald Trump doing with Jeffrey Epstein? Nothing that concerned me, Ghislaine Maxwell, sex trafficker. I would’ve done what he did. Well, back to my normal non-concerning workaday grindstone … of sex trafficking.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who does she think she is, herself? (What Pet Should I Get)

According to Vanity Fair, the Queen of England has four alcoholic beverages every day, including a glass of champagne before bed. Champagne before bed?! Who does she think she is, herself? –Seth Meyers

A new book by Dr. Seuss came out today called "What Pet Should I Get." He was inspired to write it when his wife said, “I want a baby.” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was so bad that even the ceremonial first pitch was hit for a triple (National Girlfriends Day)

Today was National Girlfriends Day, so don't forget to send her $130,000. --Seth Meyers

The New York Mets suffered their worst loss in franchise history last night losing to the Washington Nationals 25-4. It was so bad that even the ceremonial first pitch was hit for a triple. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the female scientists had to finish writing it themselves (the pilot was flying at, like, 5 miles per hour)

A new study has come out analyzing the role of the female orgasm in reproduction. But the male scientists fell asleep before it was done and the female scientists had to finish writing it themselves. –Seth Meyers

A British Airways flight had to make an emergency landing recently after the cabin strongly smelled like marijuana. Even worse, the pilot was flying at, like, 5 miles per hour. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He says even if he's losing in the polls, he plans to hang tight (My list of friends)

A man named Jeffrey Epstein is running for mayor in a Massachusetts town and he refuses to change his name. He says even if he's losing in the polls, he plans to hang tight. —Tom Shillue

Critics were horrified that President Trump turned the rose garden into a patio. What a waste. All that concrete and no bodies buried under it, said Hillary Clinton. —Tom Shillue

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She claims it's the last time she vacations in Wuhan (the best smelling thing in France)

 A woman wound up with a $21,000 medical bill after a bat flew into her mouth. She claims it's the last time she vacations in Wuhan. —Tom Shillue

Michael Jackson's dirty white sock that he once wore on stage has sold for $9,000 at a French auction and it’s still the best smelling thing in France. —Tom Shillue

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Normally when a billionaire flies away faster than the speed of sound, it’s because they just got linked to Jeffrey Epstein (go back to brunch)

People are now saying that Hillary Clinton has narrowed her list of potential vice presidents down to five people. I’m sorry, she’s “deleted” the list down to five people. –Jimmy Fallon

“Actually, I got a little choked up watching Richard Branson’s flight. It always warms my heart to see billionaires achieve their dreams. I was happy for him, though. Normally when a billionaire flies away faster than the speed of sound, it’s because they just got linked to Jeffrey Epstein.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Turns out the thief thought they were kidnapping Kathy Griffin (security checks)

The TSA is no longer requiring you to take off your shoes during security checks, which started because of the shoe bomber in 2001, causing Bill Clinton to ask, "Why couldn't there have been a panty bomber?” —Greg Gutfeld

And finally, a Ronald McDonald statue was stolen from a McDonald's in Pennsylvania. Turns out the thief thought they were kidnapping Kathy Griffin. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I wish her well! (But wouldn't that make him a cannibal?)

 

According to a new book, while in the White House, Jill Biden always encouraged her husband to eat vegetables. But wouldn't that make him a cannibal? —Greg Gutfeld

So, Stacey Abrams went on Jimmy Kimmel and outlined 10 steps that Trump will take to cancel the next election. Yes, 10 steps, which is seven more than she can take without needing an oxygen mask. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is good news for every single show except Dog the Bounty Hunter (nut allergies)

"Yesterday, North Korea held its annual marathon. Congratulations to first, second and third place winner, Kim Jong Un." –Conan O'Brien

We're here in San Diego for Comic-Con. Comic-Con is the only place where you can meet a Superman whose kryptonite is his nut allergy. –Conan O’Brien

Scientists are predicting that in a few years we'll be able to smell the TV shows we watch. This is good news for every single show except "Dog the Bounty Hunter." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Thank you for that, in exchange, I’ll buy one Tesla (distractions)

On Tuesday, Trump intervened to pump up Tesla’s stock price by doing a promo for the company with taxpayer money. He transformed the south lawn of the White House into a Tesla car lot, looking to “buy” a new car with Musk himself. Asked by reporters if he would pay with a credit card, Trump said he was “old-fashioned” and preferred checks.

Musk then had to explain to Trump that driving a car is like “driving a golf cart … it’s like a golf cart that goes really fast.” A car is a golf cart that goes really fast. I mean, is that how they have to explain things to Trump in the Situation Room?

What is Trump getting out of the photo-op? Musk already spent nearly $300m on the 2024 election and has reportedly promised to funnel another $100m directly into political entities controlled by Trump. And it says everything about Trump that his reaction to that is: ‘Thank you for that, in exchange, I’ll buy one Tesla.’ —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I had the same policy at the Oval Office said Bill Clinton (the statue is so realistic it also does nothing)

According to a new report of US border patrol agent would only let women into the country after they expose their breasts. I had the same policy at the Oval Office said Bill Clinton. —Greg Gutfeld 

A new book claims California governor Gavin Newsom secretly funded a monument to himself inside San Francisco City Hall. Apparently the statue is so realistic it also does nothing. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's caused the Irish to brace for another potato famine (breaking stereotypes)

Well to protest the election of Donald Trump, Rosie O'Donnell has moved to Ireland. It's caused the Irish to brace for another potato famine. —Greg Gutfeld

But to her credit Rosie is once again breaking stereotypes by showing the world that you could be both a refugee and really fat. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”