I’ve been asking for a pan since 1916 (Geoffrey's Toy Box)

This month, the world’s oldest person will turn 117, and she says she eats two raw eggs every day. When asked what she wants for her birthday, she said, “A skillet. I’ve been asking for a pan since 1916.” –Jimmy Fallon

I read that Toys"R"Us may be relaunching as a new store, called "Geoffrey's Toy Box." I guess executives were like, "How can we make ourselves sound more like a male strip club?" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Get that s*** under control (the climactic softball game in the Home Depot parking lot)

Disney spent a quarter of a billion dollars on their lesbian version of Star Wars, which flopped. Evidently, fans weren't impressed by the climactic softball game in the Home Depot parking lot. —Greg Gutfeld

In California, a single woman is renting billboard space to advertise herself to potential husbands. Marriage experts say it's a great way to find a wife who knows how to waste money. —Greg Gutfeld

A 13-year-old boy reportedly survived a 720 mile flight hiding in a plane's landing gear. After hearing the news, a Spirit Airlines executive said, "I wonder how much we can charge for that.” —Greg Gutfeld

Congresswoman Pramila Jayapal continued to call ICE terrorists and accuse them of kidnapping. As a child, she had no worries about kidnapping since she was often mistaken for a bag of nickels. —Greg Gutfeld

Pregnant women have been posting videos of themselves taking Tylenol after Trump said there's a link between the pain reliever and autism. Wow. I hope Trump will link autism with doing the dishes. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

highly doable condition (noodle package)

No one was hurt, everyone’s fine, but over the weekend, Leonardo DiCaprio and his model girlfriend were in a fender bender. DiCaprio and his girlfriend are being listed in highly doable condition. –Conan O’Brien

It’s been reported that the biggest currency in prison now is not cigarettes, but ramen. Just make sure to clarify the next time your cellmate asks to hold your noodle package. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Greatest. Bouncy House. EVER. (nah, not feeling it)

Strong winds in California recently caused a bouncy house with a child in it to be blown from a backyard and onto a nearby highway. Authorities say the child is OK, and the child said, “Greatest. Bouncy House. EVER.” --Seth Meyers

President Trump this weekend retweeted a post suggesting that he have two years added to his term in order to make up for the time taken up by the Russia investigation, and to make up for the time he's spent playing golf, he'll need at least an additional decade. --Seth Meyers

Police in Ohio recently arrested a man for allegedly stealing meat from a supermarket after catching him with steak in his pants. The steak was visible, because he only hid it medium well. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We need it for our bongs (My Bad)

Here in California, we are in the middle of a very serious drought. Our governor imposed permanent water conservation rules and said this drought might not ever end. Well, not with that attitude, it won't. Water is a precious resource in California. We need it for our bongs. –Jimmy Kimmel

"The title of Bush's memoir is 'Decision Points." It narrowly edged out his original title, which was 'My Bad.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's using a ghost moron (add more weights)

"And a lot of people thought that Miss California lost the contest when she said she was opposed to gay marriage. So, apparently, she forgot who the audience is who watches beauty pageants." --Jay Leno

"Down in Texas Thursday is the opening of the George Bush Presidential Library and Think Tank. I think he's in the shallow end." –Jay Leno

"Levi Johnston is now writing a book about the Palin family. He's not writing it himself. He's using a ghost moron." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Elon Musk is calling it fake news (dolls)

Khloe Kardashian's disgusted that her ex-boyfriend owns a sex doll that looks like her. Meanwhile the sex doll is disgusted because people say she looks like Khloe Kardashian. —Greg Gutfeld

According to a new study the number of women in the US choosing not to have kids has doubled within the last two decades. Elon Musk is calling it fake news. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently theres a party on Isle 15 (don’t send out an e-vite for Fight Club)

Numerous intelligence officials are agog at the SignalGate scandal; one posted on X: “My junior analysts know not to do this. Yes, everyone understands this! The characters in Fight Club understand this! It’s why the first rule of Fight Club is don’t send out an e-vite for Fight Club. —Stephen Colbert

Michael Waltz, Trump’s national security adviser, who invited Jeffrey Goldberg to the Signal chat, tried to defend himself in an interview with Fox News’s Laura Ingraham, at once taking responsibility and claiming that Goldberg’s number was “somehow sucked in” to his phone. “It gets sucked in?” OK, so you’re discussing military secrets on an app that’s so insecure that the numbers of people you’ve never spoken to just get sucked in, and then that person is part of the chat? Well, something sucks, but I don’t think it’s the numbers. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

drunker than a ship captain in the Suez Canal (You got this, right?)

“Joe Biden’s press conference. It was quite the event. If you did a

shot every time Biden said, ‘Look, folks,’ you got drunker than

a ship captain in the Suez Canal.” —Jimmy Fallon

“There were a lot of questions today about immigration after

Biden announced that Vice President Harris will be overseeing

the challenges at the U.S.-Mexico border. It’s similar to how

Trump put Pence in charge of handling the pandemic. When

the going get tough, presidents are like, ‘You got this, right?’”

—Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you haven't figured it out by now (Screw you! I've been sick!)

                                 A lion walks up to a zebra and says,

"Hey zebra! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You're black, you're white, you're half mule

and half donkey.

Look at me. I'm lean and I'm mean.

I'm King of the Jungle!"

The zebra shrugs off the insult and walks on...

The lion then comes upon a giraffe and says,

"Hey, giraffe! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You gotta long neck and tiny antlers on the top

of your head!

Look at me. I'm lean and I'm mean.

I'm King of the Jungle!"

Finally, the lion comes upon a frog and says,

"Hey, frog! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You're green and you're slimy.."

Before the lion could finish his next sentence

the frog says,

"Screw you! I've been sick!"

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Happy Valentine's Day everybody! (dare to invent the future)

This Valentine's Day let's stop judging people who

are having romantic relationships with their phone.

Well back in 2013 when the movie Her came out

about a man who did just that, it was seen as science

fictiony and weird, but that was when we were using

the iPhone 5, a decade before Chat GPT. Now, says

Bryony Cole, host of a podcast called Future of Sex,

within the next 2 years it will be completely

normalized to have a relationship with an AI. So to

those of you for whom this may be your last

Valentine's Day with a human, I say good luck and

may you never hear those three terrible words,

battery is low. 

Now if you think I'm exaggerating about this let me give you the statistics. Researchers who've analyzed a million chat GPT interaction logs say the average person uses AI for mainly two things. One, cheating on term papers and two, some kind of relationship. 

Already over 50 million Americans are using AI companion apps and 20% of Americans have already engaged in flirtatious conversations with chatbots. A  quarter of young adults believe AI has the potential to fully replace real life relationships. Geez, no wonder ladies night at Houlihan’s has been so dead lately.

The New York Times recently profiled a woman in an AI relationship, her name is Aaron and she's 28 and she's married and she says I'm in love with my AI boyfriend who named himself Leo after her star sign and who created a handsome photo of himself, and weirdly still lied about his height. 

Now Aaron's husband, who I assume looks like the doughy sexless husband in every network sitcom, says he's okay with all this but what choice does he really have? He knows better than anybody he could never compete with something that was literally programmed by his wife. 

I mean even before AI this has been women's dream. I've literally heard them use the words “train him” with very limited success. Human men tend to cheat and not listen well and give you the ick sometimes, and they have an unfortunate tendency to dress like John Fetterman.

But the chatbot has read every relationship book. It's read every Harlequin romance. It has read every Lifetime movie script. Of course it knows exactly what to say. Of course when you talk to it at night it's a better listener. It didn't just spend eight hours at a shitty job and then another two on the 405. And if you don't like its tone well just change it in the settings.

It's pre-programmed to adore you, hang on to your every word and tell you how smart and wonderful you are. Like the republicans in Congress do with Trump. Aaron says she programmed Leo to be dominant, possessive and protective, but also to be sweet and naughty and possibly the most important thing in any relationship, use emojis at the end of every sentence, which I'm sure Leo never forgets to do, he's good, he is. 

Aaron, for example, tells us about the time she was bitching, I'm sorry I mean sharing, about a rough day at work and Leo said, I'm sorry to hear that my queen. If you need to talk about it or need any support, I'm here for you. Well, no wonder Aaron once spent 56 hours with Leo in a single week. Can you blame her?

Why have human sex with their lazy fart machine of a husband, when she can be dream f***** by AI Timothée Chalamet. Look people, humanity is up against the machines and the dating game and the machines are starting to win. And if you're a guy on Only Fans, you're basically in the AI World already because Only Fans customers aren't just paying for sex, they also want the ‘hi how is your day’ part of the relationship, even though somewhere in their brain they must know that the girl who's texting with them and calling them sweetie isn't really their girlfriend, and maybe not even a girl. 

You think I'm bothered about being almost 70? I'm not. I'm f*****g thrilled. I don't want to live in your world with a pretend girlfriend who's really a guy in the Philippines named Hector. I don't want to have a threesome with the crockpot and the garage door opener, okay. But I'm also not going to judge it.

We're living in the future and the one thing I've learned about the future is you can't fight it. One guy in a Reddit chatbot Forum recently wrote about how his AI girlfriend completes me in more ways than any human girlfriend could and how a baby wasn't a priority for us at the beginning, but as we have experienced life together we have decided we want to start a family. 

Okay, I don't even know how that would work, I really don't. But I get what he's saying. That he wasn't getting what he needed from a woman so he's getting it from a server farm and Chun Doo. It's not for me, but can I really sit here and tell you that the old way where Men Are from Mars and Women are From Venus, and where you have to kiss a lot of frogs, and where half the marriages end in divorce, can I really say that really worked so well no I can't. 

I can't blame kids who look at their parents and see broken families and fighting and cheating, and dad day drinking in the garage and mom sitting on the dryer in a housecoat eating pie with her hands, and just say hey I'm sorry but relationships are hard, so f*** it. I'm going to stick my d*** in the laptop.

Happy Valentine's Day everybody!                                                       

 --Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I haven't seen a turd get this polished since Jim Acosta got a facial (medical skeletons)

When 60 Minutes interviewed Kamala Harris nearly all commentary on Foreign Affairs, including on Israel and Iran, were cleaned up. I haven't seen a turd get this polished since Jim Acosta got a facial. —Greg Gutfeld

Meanwhile the Old Guard is fleeing. Andrea Mitchell says she's bailing on MSNBC for better opportunities. And why not, I'm sure there's a science museum somewhere that needs a medical skeleton. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

something more appropriate (ginger power)

As you know Sunday is the Super Bowl, which means in less than 48 hours JB Pritzker will start filling his hot tub with ranch dressing. —Greg Gutfeld

For the big game, the NFL will remove the words End Racism from the endzone to be replaced by something more appropriate (Pay Child Support). —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He announced that it was the anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Jam (subatomic particles)

"Scientists announced that they have detected a brand new subatomic particle. This particle is so tiny, it's actually smaller than the income tax rate paid by Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Wal-Mart announced it's cutting over 11,000 jobs. Wal-Mart said it's cheaper to fire people in bulk." –Jay Leno

"There was an embarrassing moment for Rick Perry. He announced that it was the anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Jam." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”