I don’t know about you but I smell a buddy movie (the most money ever spent on a virgin)

Alaska Air has announced that it’s purchasing Virgin Airlines for

$2.6 billion. It’s the most money ever spent on a virgin since my

parents bought me a car after my college graduation.

–Conan O’Brien

A huge document leak has exposed shady financial dealings involving famous people like Vladimir Putin and Jackie Chan. I don’t know about you but I smell a buddy movie. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

At least he knows he wants Coco Puffs (72 guys who just listen)

"The Republican who summarized it best was Indiana Republican Marlin Stutzman, who said, 'We're not going to be disrespected. We have to get something out of this, and I don't even know what that is.' Say what you will about a toddler throwing a tantrum in the grocery store. At least he knows he wants Coco Puffs." –Bill Maher

"Officials believe that one of the terrorists [in the mall attack in Kenya] was a woman. And there are female suicide bombers. It's just that their reward in paradise is a little different. Instead of getting 72 virgins, they get 72 guys who just listen." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Instead of getting 72 virgins, they get 72 guys who just listen (I'm starting to wonder if she ever really went to Hogwarts)

"Officials believe that one of the terrorists [in the mall attack in Kenya] was a woman. And there are female suicide bombers. It's just that their reward in paradise is a little different. Instead of getting 72 virgins, they get 72 guys who just listen." –Bill Maher

"Today we found out that a third college that Christine O'Donnell said she attended has no record of ever knowing her. I'm starting to wonder if she ever really went to Hogwarts." –Bill Maher

"With the Olympic Committee, it came down to one simple question -- where do you want to go to spend your summer vacation? The land where super models invented the bikini wax? Or the land where fat guys invented deep dish pizza?" --Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It is for the future. We have to leave our children a better world. That's all this is (myth or sarcasm)

Brett Kavanaugh defended himself by saying that he was a virgin in high school and for many years thereafter. I have got to say, if those are the qualifications, I should be on the Supreme Court. I should be Chief Justice Corden. --James Corden

Ben & Jerry's just announced that they are going to be supporting seven progressive congressional candidates by promoting them with their own flavors of ice cream. This is such a brilliant political move. I mean, what is Donald Trump going to do now — come out against ice cream? Now, personally I would like to thank Ben & Jerry's for giving me a reason to tell my wife why I am eating an entire pint of ice cream every night. "No. It is for the future. We have to leave our children a better world. That's all this is." --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Things I Have in Common with Conan O'Brien (King Mookie)

"Bristol Palin's new book says she lost her virginity on a night when she had too many wine coolers. It's in the chapter “Things I Have in Common with Conan O'Brien.'" –Conan O'Brien

A restaurant in Pennsylvania has unveiled a pizza inspired by Hillary Clinton. Apparently, the pizza is not that fresh or tasty, but it sticks around your stomach until all the other food has given up. –Conan O’Brien

It's come out that Red Sox star Mookie Betts is related to soon-to-be royal Meghan Markle. This means there's a chance that one day there will be a "King Mookie." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It’s the most money ever spent on a virgin since my parents bought me a car after my college graduation (and it just all goes away)

“Yesterday, Mitt Romney told what he thought was a humorous story about how his father closed down a Michigan factory. Then Romney went on to quote some of his favorite funny quotes from the movie ‘Schindler's List.’” –Conan O'Brien

"House Speaker John Boehner called NSA's Edward Snowden a traitor. But only because he leaked the name of his tanning bed." –Conan O'Brien

Alaska Air has announced that it’s purchasing Virgin Airlines for $2.6 billion. It’s the most money ever spent on a virgin since my parents bought me a car after my college graduation. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's got to be hard to bite the hand that bribes you (Instead of 70 virgins)

"A republican congressman actually apologized to BP's CEO for the way the company has been treated. How stupid are you when the CEO of BP is in the room and people think you're the moron?" –Jay Leno

"To be fair, it's not easy for a lot of these congressmen. It's got to be hard to bite the hand that bribes you." –Jay Leno

"Al Qaeda is not what it used to be. You can see they don't have the money anymore. Instead of 70 virgins, martyrs now get a gift certificate to Olive Garden." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

In a related story, today Charlie Sheen invaded Libya (Pointing Fingers)

Yesterday, Donald Trump threatened to reveal a terrible secret about Ted Cruz’s wife. Apparently Trump has some damning video of her marrying Ted Cruz. –Conan O’Brien

"Sarah Palin visited the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. There was an awkward moment when she said, 'So this is what keeps the Mexicans out?'" –Conan O'Brien

"According to reports, Muammar Gaddafi is surrounded by an elite corps of female bodyguards, all of whom are virgins. In a related story, today Charlie Sheen invaded Libya." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The apple can fall from the tree and land in a billionaire wine cave (they actually get 72 raisins)

"The good news for al-Zarqawi is according to Islamic law, he does get 72 virgins. The bad news is they're all William Hung. Actually there is some disagreement among those who study the Koran about whether so-called martyrs get 72 virgins. Many say it is a mistranslation and they actually get 72 raisins." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Dow fell 504 points yesterday. I'll be honest, I have no idea what that means, but apparently it's really bad. On Wall Street they were calling it Black Monday. And John McCain was quick to point out it was Black Monday, not Old White Monday." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Cheney sat down for a one-on-one with Fox News. Very bold choice. Dick Cheney sitting down with Fox News is like Mrs. Butterworth sitting down with the Pancake Channel." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Instead of getting 72 virgins, they get 72 guys who just listen (Revulva-Shooterus)

"Officials believe that one of the terrorists [in the mall attack in Kenya] was a woman. And there are female suicide bombers. It's just that their reward in paradise is a little different. Instead of getting 72 virgins, they get 72 guys who just listen." –Bill Maher

"The last couple of weeks have been very tough for Republicans because of course they always have to call for the opposite of whatever Obama is saying or doing. And this has been hard when Obama himself has been changing his mind pretty much on a daily basis. First he was against the bombing, of course they were for it. Then he was for the bombing, now they're against it. Now there's a peace plan on the table, and the same Republicans who were saying he was acting too rash to call for strikes on Syria are now calling him a wimp for going with diplomacy. They say in the end, whether he chooses war or peace, the hard truth is either way he is still inarguably, hopelessly black." –Bill Maher

"This Ted Cruz guy, he incurred the wrath of his own party. They don't like him. Democrats hate him. Independents hate him. Republicans hate him. Even Miley Cyrus -- he's the one guy she refuses to lick." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm joking she loves it (and we call that one our favorite)

How's this for crazy? Though we've been together eight years my girlfriend still gets upset if I use her toothbrush. That's crazy isn't it when you consider how intimate we've been. And if you can tell me a better way to get dog shit out of sneakers I'd love to fucking hear about it. --Jimmy Carr

I just don't understand it why would you become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance you might get 72 virgins when you die. Become a Catholic priest and have them now. --Jimmy Carr

I was chatting to a guy at a party and he asked what does your girlfriend do? I said anything but anal. I'm joking she loves it. --Jimmy Carr

Some women worry about one breast being smaller than the other. But focus on the positive. One of them is bigger, and we call that one our favorite. --Jimmy Carr

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Does this rag smell of chloroform to you? (Dear Lord, what was all that about?)

I just don't understand it why would you become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance you might get 72 virgins when you die. Become a Catholic priest and have them now. --Jimmy Carr

My favorite thing about natural disasters, and I know it's wrong to have a list. Certainly getting it laminated was a mistake. But my favorite thing about natural disasters is they call them Acts of God. And then two days later they have a Day of Prayer. So a Day of Prayer for an Act of God. How does that prayer go? “Dear Lord, what was all that about?”  --Jimmy Carr

One of the best pick-up lines is to ask a woman, “Does this rag smell of chloroform to you?” --Jimmy Carr

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So for $300,000 you can have the worst sex of your life (How are they gonna close that casket?)

A 28 year old med student is auctioning off his virginity online for $300,000. So for $300,000 you can have the worst sex of your life. --Carl Reiner

Deep Throat porn legend Harry Reems died yesterday. How are they gonna close that casket? --Norm Macdonald

I’m happy to help out a friend but the next time my roommate asks for help putting on sunscreen, he better be talking about his back! Fool me once. --Tim Allen

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, the other side offers their guys, what, 72 virgins? We get a 3-year-old sandwich (drug cartels don't seem so greedy anymore, do they?)

"But to be fair to President Bush, at the time we invaded Iraq,

he thought Venezuela was a planet. Of course, today, he corrected

himself. He now realizes Venezuela is those horns they blow at

the World Cup." –Jay Leno

"BBC is reporting that Venezuela may have massive oil reserves, more than even Saudi Arabia. You know what that means? We could have invaded closer to home and saved gas." –Jay Leno

"Now that marijuana is legal in the state of Colorado, in Denver they're talking about taxing it up to 35 percent. Suddenly those drug cartels don't seem so greedy anymore, do they?" –Jay Leno

Scientists for the United States Army have developed a sandwich that can remain edible for three years. Well, if that doesn't get guys to re-up, nothing will. Let me tell you, that shows you how dedicated our armed forces are. I mean, the other side offers their guys, what, 72 virgins? We get a 3-year-old sandwich." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like Groundhog Day with A**holes (Warm Up the Virgins)

 

"There have been charges of foul play from both sides. Obama has accused Clinton of smearing him by implying that he's a Muslim or Muslim-sympathizer, and Clinton has accused Obama and his people of trying to dump a bucket of water on her and make her melt." --Jimmy Kimmel

 

"We finally got some good news yesterday from the war in Iraq. As you have probably heard, the Air Force exploded Iraq's head of al Qaeda, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. I was looking forward to seeing what the New York Post had to say about it. This is the actual cover of the newspaper. There you see the dead face of al-Zarqawi with the cartoon bubble saying, 'Warm up the Virgins.' Coincidentally, 'Warm up the Virgins' is also Arnold Schwarzenegger's new campaign slogan." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It's about as low as you can go without getting caught in a Port-O-John with George Michael." --Jimmy Kimmel, on Bush's low approval rating

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's in the chapter Things I Have in Common with Conan O'Brien. (Brought me a cigarette too. Rolled it himself)

Yesterday on Father’s Day my kids gave me breakfast in bed, which I thought was sweet. My nine-year-old makes a mean mojito. Brought me a cigarette too. Rolled it himself. –Conan O’Brien

At the World Cup, Uruguay's Luis Suarez bit a player from Italy's team. It's the third time he's done it. The last time he bit a Chinese player and then claimed he was hungry an hour later.--Conan O'Brien

South Carolina and Mississippi are on the verge of taking down their state Capitol's Confederate flag. Here's the surprising part. They're doing it just because Taylor Swift told them to. –Conan O’Brien

"Bristol Palin's new book says she lost her virginity on a night when she had too many wine coolers. It's in the chapter 'Things I Have in Common with Conan O'Brien.'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Instead of 70 virgins, martyrs now get a gift certificate to Olive Garden (Try Finding Nemo Now)

"Well, folks, Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she's hoping that the effects will eventually wear off." –Jay Leno

"Al Qaeda is not what it used to be. You can see they don't have the money anymore. Instead of 70 virgins, martyrs now get a gift certificate to Olive Garden." –Jay Leno

"Because of the success of 'Toy Story 3,' Pixar is now rushing ahead with its plans to do a sequel to one of its most popular movies, presented by BP. It's BP presents 'Try Finding Nemo Now.'" –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently Trump has some damning video of her marrying Ted Cruz (In a related story, today Charlie Sheen invaded Libya)

"According to reports, Khadafy is surrounded by an elite corps of female bodyguards, all of whom are virgins. In a related story, today Charlie Sheen invaded Libya." –Conan O'Brien

Good news for Donald Trump. Donald Trump just got the official endorsement of Scott Baio. After hearing about it, Donald Trump said, “See, I've got the unemployed vote.” –Conan O’Brien

Amazon has a new reality show that shadows an NFL team for an entire football season. The show follows players from the day they’re drafted all the way until the day they’re sentenced. –Conan O’Brien

A 102-year-old woman broke a pair of world track and field records. The 102-year-old ran the 100-meter dash with a time of "February." --Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, Donald Trump threatened to reveal a terrible secret about Ted Cruz’s wife. Apparently Trump has some damning video of her marrying Ted Cruz. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Instead of getting 72 virgins, they get 72 guys who just listen (Put your baby back on the phone)

September 2013

"Officials believe that one of the terrorists in the mall attack in Kenya was a woman. And there are female suicide bombers. It's just that their reward in paradise is a little different. Instead of getting 72 virgins, they get 72 guys who just listen." –Bill Maher

"Did you see Obama today, talking about talking to the president of Iran on the phone? For the first time since 1979 we are talking to the Islamic Republic of Iran. Obama says talking to him is probably pointless, but it's a hell of a relief from Mitch McConnell." –Bill Maher

"We are actually headed toward a government shutdown, but if that's what it takes to get Ted Cruz off my TV, I am all for it." –Bill Maher

"The Senate passed a bill to keep the government running, but of course the teabaggers are still insisting on defunding Obamacare or they will blow the whole place up. Why are we asking them again? It's like saying to someone, 'Put your baby back on the phone.'" –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s Los Angeles. So where are you going to find three Wise Men and a virgin? (Running Deficit)

December 2012

"Today in Washington, President Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes and they honored the president by giving him his own Indian name: 'Running Deficit.'" –Jay Leno

"Native Americans are understandably very upset. This country used to belong to them. And, of course, now it belongs to the Chinese, so they are very furious about that." –Jay Leno

"There was one really awkward moment with the American Indians. In the middle of the meeting, Joe Biden walked in wearing a Redskins jersey." –Jay Leno

"The CEO of The Cheesecake Factory is now warning that Obamacare will be very costly. Hey, The Cheesecake Factory is one of the reasons we need Obamacare in the first place." –Jay Leno 

"Santa Monica has banned nativity scenes on public land. Opponents want to use real people to make a display instead of statues to get around the rule. The problem is, it’s Los Angeles. So where are you going to find three Wise Men and a virgin?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”