Obama is soft on poultry (Martha Stewart's personal lemon zester)

"Bill Clinton is going to appear in a movie, he has a small part in a movie called the Hangover 2. George W. Bush also next year will be seen in the new Jackass movie." –David Letterman

"On Friday, President Obama pardoned the White House turkey. Mmm-boy. Dick Cheney didn't miss an opportunity. He claimed that Obama is soft on poultry." –David Letterman

"You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and Kim Jong Un had him executed. I remember the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart's personal lemon zester." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s was like a whole stadium full of Melanias (This was such a big cave by the Democrats that Bruce Wayne offered to buy it)

“The democrats are caving on the government shutdown. This was such a big cave by the Democrats that Bruce Wayne offered to buy it.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“President Trump got booed while attending the Washington Commanders football game. Do you think he can hear the boos or does the narcissism force field block it all out?” — Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s was like a whole stadium full of Melanias.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's our job to do the exact opposite (Larry Kudlow’s beach bash has been cancelled)

In fiscal year 2025, the Coast Guard seized half a million pounds of cocaine. In related news, Larry Kudlow’s beach bash has been cancelled. —Greg Gutfeld

On Sunday, Bill Clinton attended the New York City Marathon to cheer his daughter, Chelsea. Bill supported the female runners by chasing them for the last four miles. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the record for most circling vultures (Nut up)

New research shows that childhood peanut allergies have declined over 40% in recent years due to earlier exposure to peanuts, which was exactly the goal of my health campaign "Nut up, kids!” —Colin Jost

An 80-year-old woman set a record for oldest female to hike the Appalachian Trail, and also the record for most circling vultures. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You still don't get the game that's being played (Marie Antoinette)

“On the very night Snap benefits ended, Trump threw a Great Gatsby-themed ode to decadence and hedonism that even Jeffrey Epstein would have thought was a little over the top. There were dancers, costumes, champagne – a wonderful celebration where the theme was apparently gross income inequality.” —Jon Stewart

“Your healthcare premiums may be going up, tariffs may be shutting down your small businesses, you may be losing your food assistance, but it’ll all OK because Donald Trump is building a ballroom that looks like the inside of Marie Antoinette’s vagina.” —Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know what they say, "The house always loses." (the cops were spraying for two)

"Some have criticized the police for pepper spraying a pregnant woman, but don’t forget, the cops were spraying for two." –Stephen Colbert

Over the weekend, three pages of Donald Trump's 1995 tax return were leaked, revealing that he declared a $916 million loss from his three Atlantic City casinos. That's right. Donald Trump lost money on casinos. You know what they say, "The house always loses." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What happened to Eisenhower? (Um, hello! That's like 99 percent of my day!)

And a lot of people are getting really excited about the upcoming visit by Pope Francis. This Pope is very popular, but I saw that in a recent interview, he said that he’s felt “used” by certain people who only pay attention to him when they need something. Then God was like, “Um, hello! That's like 99 percent of my day!” –Jimmy Fallon

According to a new poll, almost half of Florida voters think their own candidates, Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio, should drop out of the race. While the other half of Florida keeps asking what happened to Eisenhower. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

when she goes to Buckingham Palace, the guards try to make her smile (his second-favorite king and queen)

President Trump and the first lady arrived in London on Tuesday ahead of a British state visit beginning Wednesday. It’s fun when the first lady joins President Trump, because when Melania goes to Buckingham Palace, the guards try to make her smile. — Jimmy Fallon

“Well, guys, President Trump just arrived in the U.K. for a state visit with King Charles and Queen Camilla. Charles and Camilla are Trump’s second-favorite king and queen, next to Burger and Dairy.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Welcome to the club (cavity search)

Over the weekend, baseless rumors that President Trump had died circulated wildly on social media. "Welcome to the club," said Joe Biden through a Ouija board. —Greg Gutfeld

According to a new poll, alcohol consumption in the US has reached a record low. Finally, a problem that can actually be solved by Kamala Harris. —Greg Gutfeld

A brand new ICE detention facility called Louisiana Lockup just opened. And because it's near New Orleans, the guards will throw beads at you during the cavity search. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

highly doable condition (noodle package)

No one was hurt, everyone’s fine, but over the weekend, Leonardo DiCaprio and his model girlfriend were in a fender bender. DiCaprio and his girlfriend are being listed in highly doable condition. –Conan O’Brien

It’s been reported that the biggest currency in prison now is not cigarettes, but ramen. Just make sure to clarify the next time your cellmate asks to hold your noodle package. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

What a bunch of amateurs, said Hillary Clinton (The most destructive individual in my lifetime)

Florida is set to execute its record 11th person this year. Only 11. What a bunch of amateurs, said Hillary Clinton. —Greg Gutfeld

Gavin Newsom called Donald Trump simply the most destructive individual in my lifetime. Nancy Pelosi responded saying, “The most destructive individual in my lifetime was Genghis Khan.” —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Whoa — is it noon already? (they sort of forgot he was up there)

"New research found that people who wake up early are more

productive than people who sleep in. Or as Congress put it,

'Whoa — is it noon already?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Astronaut Jeffrey Williams just set the U.S. record for most days in space, reaching the milestone of 521 days. It's less of an accomplishment after NASA admitted they sort of forgot he was up there. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When Big Government feels it's biggest (they don't appear to know what it's doing)

"The Supreme Court ruling that anyone who's arrested -- even accidentally -- can be strip-searched was decided five to four, with the votes for the searches coming from the Court's five conservatives. You know -- the 'defending personal liberty' guys. Which is weird because I'm not a constitutional scholar, but I'm willing to bet Big Government feels it's biggest when it's inside your anus." –Jon Stewart

"The Bush administration is searching for a war czar to manage all the wars we're in and cut through the federal bureaucracy. Because the federal bureaucracy is why we're losing. So far, at least five four-star generals have declined the position, some citing that the Bush administration -- this is true -- doesn't appear to know what it's doing." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator (Average & Below Average)

"Republicans are no longer allowed to say that people are rich. You have to refer to them as 'job creators'. You can't even use the word 'rich'. You have to say, 'This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.'" –Jon Stewart

"There is a rating agency called Standard & Poor's. Who's going to listen to a company whose name translates to Average & Below Average?" –Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, that’s the censored version (Officials first became suspicious in 1991)

The publisher of Hillary Clinton’s upcoming memoir announced today that the title of her book will be the statement “What Happened.” Well, that’s the censored version. –Seth Meyers

Snoop Dogg was arrested and released in Sweden this weekend on suspicion of using illegal drugs. Officials first became suspicious in 1991. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

See, crime does pay (Good. That's a start.)

"President Obama met with Wall Street executives today. He told them to stop fighting this financial reform. But the Wall Street executives are kind of copping an attitude with the president. You know, I got an idea. Forget financial reform. Let's put them in prison. Call it prison reform. See how they like it then." –Jay Leno

"Today President Obama released his long-form birth certificate, proving once and for all he was born in this country. But you know, it never ends. Now Republican leaders are saying they want to see the placenta." –Jay Leno

"Last week, President Obama gave a speech in New York City about his plan to reform these rules on Wall Street, you know? And one embarrassing moment. When the head of Goldman Sachs was going through security, he was asked to empty his pockets and five Republican senators fell out." –Jay Leno

"There are 249 millionaires in Congress. See, crime does pay." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

where he'll fit right in (Isn't that called New Jersey?)

"An oil slick the size of Rhode Island is making its way across the Gulf of Mexico. An oil slick the size of Rhode Island — isn't that called New Jersey?" –Jay Leno

"Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he'll fit right in." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's like a reggae festival and Willie Nelson's birthday combined (People without heads tend not to speak out)

"A new study estimates that Colorado residents will legally smoke more than 2 million ounces of marijuana next year. That's like a reggae festival and Willie Nelson's birthday combined." –Jimmy Kimmel

Before his visit to Israel, Trump was in Saudi Arabia. This is where the wheels came off. First of all, his commerce secretary was on TV raving about how there were no protesters in Saudi Arabia. Because protesters are beheaded in Saudi Arabia. That's why. People without heads tend not to speak out. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq? (poor customer service)

"President Bush is everywhere talking about his book and he's

being very candid. In one interview, he said that he used to do

stupid things while he was drunk. But think about it, who among

us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?" –David

Letterman

"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they’ve granted President Obama full citizenship." –David Letterman

"Since Osama bin Laden was killed, they say the brand name of Al Qaeda has been damaged. Osama bin Laden's death has damaged the brand — that and poor customer service." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

opening up our public lands for drilling (she's used to being around criminals)

"A family values conservative Republican from Indiana, Mark Souder, has admitted to having an affair with a woman on his staff. Apparently Souder would take this woman to remote locations inside state parks and have sex with her. See, this is what Republicans mean when they talk about opening up our public lands for drilling." –Jay Leno

"And during her confirmation hearings, Judge Sotomayor is going to get tough questions from the senators. But I think she'll be fine. I mean, this is a woman who spent her whole life in the courtroom, so she's used to being around criminals." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”