people like me now must hire actual US citizens to shave my back (nah, not feeling it)

So, six months into his second term, Trump hasn't just hit the ground running, he's pummeled it into submission. It's a big difference from the last president who hit the ground then stayed there. —Greg Gutfeld

Remember when the southern border resembled the Boston Marathon with thousands sprinting across the finish line? Today, there's fewer illegal crossings than job postings for the Colbert show. And in May, blue collar wage growth saw its largest increase in almost 60 years. Plumbers haven't been this busy since a Taco Bell opened near Jerry Nadler's office. —Greg Gutfeld

So, how did that happen? Well, Trump also ushered in the largest deportation operation in history, which means people like me now must hire actual US citizens to shave my back. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills just joined SEAL Team 6 (Torso Jones)

"Nine survivors of shark attacks recently went to Washington, D.C., to press the Senate to put new restrictions on shark fishing. The Senate met with the leader of the group, Torso Jones." --Conan O'Brien

 A new study just came out that found that breast implants can save your life if you’re shot in the chest. In a related story, the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” just joined SEAL Team 6. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

then maybe walk around the neighborhood till you calm down (two bonus minutes)

It started with Trump’s plan to turn the air traffic control functions of the FAA into a nonprofit corporation. Although, to be fair, any company Trump runs is eventually nonprofit. –Stephen Colbert

If you remember a few weeks ago the democrats proposed a $1 Trillion infrastructure deal, and Trump said, “Why not $2 Trillion?” So they said Okay. Today was just supposed to be hammering out the details, but it didn’t work out that way. Trump walked in, didn’t shake anyone’s hand or take a seat, and left before anyone else could speak. All told, it was over in three minutes. According to Stormy Daniels that’s two bonus minutes. --Stephen Colbert

This week Denver became the first city to decriminalize hallucinogenic mushrooms. This is going to change their whole approach to tourism. “Denver: Come stare at the wood grain on the door, then maybe walk around the neighborhood till you calm down.” --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the hottest country in the world right now (close to 50%)

President Trump said the king of Saudi Arabia told him the US is the hottest country in the world right now. He had said we were originally number four but we moved up three spaces after Rosie O'Donnell left. —Greg Gutfeld

San Francisco schools attempted to roll out a new equity program where students can pass with scores as low as 21 out of 100, or as students in San Francisco call it, close to 50%. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's why Leslie Stahl's dating a Galapagos tortoise (It goes up to 100% if we deport Carrot Top)

So as divorce rumors swirl, Barack and Michelle Obama were spotted on a swanky date night in NYC. To avoid any public displays of affection that might be caught by paparazzi, they went with each other. —Greg Gutfeld

According to a new study women like to date younger partners just as much as men do. That's why Leslie Stahl's dating a Galapagos tortoise. —Greg Gutfeld

For the first time in roughly 20 years half the country believes the United States is on the right track. It goes up to 100% if we deport Carrot Top. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

followed by a lifetime of . . . the same (little keys)

"The CIA is going through the stuff they found in Osama bin Laden's compound, including a diary. I didn't know he had a diary. That is so sweet. They haven't read the diary yet because they can't find the little key to open it up." –Craig Ferguson

"The royal couple is finally heading to their honeymoon for two weeks of living in pampered luxury, followed by a lifetime of . . . the same." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was either that or listen to his music (debate prep)

So according to a new book during his debate prep Joe Biden's handlers had to remind him to close his mouth when he wasn't speaking. They also urged him to close it when it was. —Greg Gutfeld

During his trial we learned Shawn Diddy Combs allegedly had a prostitute pee on his girlfriend. She was given a choice. It was either that or listen to his music. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The opposite of what America does (Medical cares)

Donald Trump has a poor reputation in Canada, which he has antagonized by referring to it as the “51st state”. Congrats, Donald. You turned the most polite country on Earth into an enemy. This is like getting a handwritten letter from Mr Rogers that says: ‘Hey neighbor, I’m going to burn your f*cking house down.’ —Seth Meyers

But “the friendly attitude didn’t last long” as Trump kept insisting that Canada would join the US as the 51st state, because Canadians would enjoy a “free military” and “tremendous medical cares”. “Medical cares? Oh yeah, I’m sure Canadians are jonesing to give up their free universal healthcare with cheap prescription drugs in exchange for American – what did you call it again? Medical cares? A system where you pay a thousand bucks a month for the privilege of filling out credit card forms when you’re still in the back of the ambulance?” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

she's been working with a consultant named Jose Cuervo (the winner goes home on this sock)

According to a new poll California voters are not excited about Kamala Harris running for governor. To improve her support among Hispanics she's been working with a consultant named Jose Cuervo. —Greg Gutfeld

The world's the world's first sperm race in which human sperm cells will compete on a microscopic track will take place in Los Angeles. Yeah, the winner goes home on this sock. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The study was funded by Trojan condoms (You had me at L)

According to a new study, the average cost of raising a child in America is now over $200,000. The study was funded by Trojan condoms. –Conan O’Brien

Today, a top LGBT organization officially endorsed Hillary Clinton. Upon hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "You had me at L." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which means they'll have to finally buy pants (a huge mental asylum)

A US judge has cleared the way for thousands of federal workers to take Trump's buyout offer. Which will require them to come into the office to do it. Which means they'll have to finally buy pants. —Greg Gutfeld

An Illinois Democratic lawmaker says manufacturing is a field with fewer women because the word manufacturing includes man and it makes it sound like a guy. Great. Now explain to me why so many women menstruate. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Finding a job for Kamala Harris (The winner of the election will be...)

The trailer for Mission Impossible 8 just premiered. In this latest installment, Tom Cruise faces his most impossible mission yet. Finding a job for Kamala Harris. —Greg Gutfeld

So in 2024, the republicans control the presidency, the senate and the house. The only things that the democrats still control is Rashida Tlaib’s shock collar. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In case of an accident, I'm not surprised (What neither of them care about is you)

For potential disasters, this pessimist carries a card in his wallet that says, "In case of an accident, I'm not surprised." --Milton Berle

“I want to make sure Ukraine has enough tanks before I get my colonoscopy.” –Kurt Metzger 1/26/2023

"What the government wants is control. What the corporate world wants is money. What both of them want is power. What neither of them care about is you." --Russell Brand

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Um, maybe we shouldn’t eat this guy. I think he’s gone bad (It's just a business for them)

You think notorious moron Donald Trump is suddenly going to be capable of having a smart conversation with voters? This is a guy who thinks windmills cause cancer, humans should inject bleach to cure Covid, and electric boat batteries will lead to shark attacks. That’s a real thing he said. Even the sharks were like, ‘Um, maybe we shouldn’t eat this guy. I think he’s gone bad.’ —Seth Meyers

At the Democratic National Convention Joe Biden will speak on Monday night, then turn the keys over to allow the event to focus on Harris. That is so wonderful. It’s always better when the seniors hand over the keys willingly. Otherwise you have to put Benadryl in their pudding. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You will have to use your car in the McDonald's parking lot like the rest of us (Then the strangest thing happened)

Donald Trump says he's too busy to give a birthday present to his wife. I mean, how much effort does it take to just leave the back door open and say, "You're free, Melania. I let you go.” --James Corden

Apparently, the library at the University of Utah has installed what they're calling a "Cry Closet." This is exactly what it sounds like. I promise this is true. It's a closet where stressed-out students can go to cry. Because there's nothing more comforting than being trapped in a tiny dark box. It's going to be a shock when those students graduate. Take it from me, there are no "Cry Closets" out here in the real world. You will have to use your car in the McDonald's parking lot like the rest of us. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, my God, Kanye becomes President? (He got that wrong)

But Trump's been busy this morning. He published a "USA Today" op-ed about healthcare. A lot of people are saying it had several factual errors. Turns out a pharmacist isn't someone who works on a farm. And shingles isn't a tube of potato chips. That's not -- He got that wrong. --Jimmy Fallon

Let's get to some news. Today, guys, President Trump met with Kanye West at the White House. Incredible. If you would've told me 10 years ago that Trump and Kanye would be meeting at the White House, I would've said, "Oh, my God, Kanye becomes President?" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You see, it really is hard out there for a pimp (See? It goes right back to Cheney again!)

Republican congressman Randy 'Duke' Cunningham was sentenced to 8 years in prison. You see, it really is hard out there for a pimp." --Jay Leno

"The White House announced today, as everybody else did, that in President Bush's re-election campaign, they're going to take the money they got from this Jack Abramoff guy and donate it to heart patients in need. See? It goes right back to Cheney again!" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday was 666. And the devil did not show up yesterday, unless of course you're a Democrat watching Ann Coulter on the 'Today Show.'" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I believe that’s every one of our sponsors (you get exclusive access to the gold toilet)

“We also got a list of all the medications Joe Biden takes for allergies, blood pressure and heartburn. They’re all pretty common — Eliquis, Crestor, Dymista, Allegra, Pepcid, and Nexium. Thanks, Joe! I believe that’s every one of our sponsors.” —Stephen Colbert

“When asked about his mental state, the doctor said, ‘The president is in healthy physical condition.’” — Jimmy Fallon

A New York court rejected Donald Trump’s request to extend the payment period for his civil fraud penalty; as of now, he must either pay $454m or present a cash bond within 30 days. A lot of batshit stuff will happen in this election, so I think it’s OK for us to just take a second and enjoy the sentence ‘Trump doesn’t have the money.’ Trump will probably have to sell off property to raise the money. I guess that means we should look forward to seeing his private jet joining the Spirit Airlines fleet. If you upgrade to Comfort Plus, you get exclusive access to the gold toilet. —Seth Meyers

“This is what happens when we let an extra from ‘Home Alone 2’ pick three Supreme Court justices.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And you know it was crazy, because even the Germans laughed (Hello, I'm the president of the United States)

After President Trump claimed during his address to the U.N. General Assembly today that he has accomplished more than any other president in history, world leaders in the audience laughed in response. And you know it was crazy, because even the Germans laughed. --Seth Meyers

President Trump claimed that he has accomplished more than any other president in history, and world leaders in the audience laughed, though technically they were still laughing from when he said, "Hello, I'm the president of the United States." --Seth Meyers

Melania Trump this weekend took her first solo trip abroad as first lady, and everything was going great until the Secret Service found her and brought her back. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”