In a related story, his new rap album drops on Wednesday (Rolled it himself)

Newly leaked emails from Sony Pictures show there was an agreement between executives to keep Spider-Man white and straight. However, in order to please the gay community "The Fantastic Four" will now be "The Fabulous Four." –Conan O’Brien

Fourteen paintings by Adolf Hitler were sold at auction in Germany. After the auction the surprised buyer said, "Wait a second, it's THAT Adolf Hitler?" –Conan O’Brien

On a podcast the other day, President Obama used the N-word. In a related story, his new rap album drops on Wednesday. –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday on Father’s Day my kids gave me breakfast in bed, which I thought was sweet. My nine-year-old makes a mean mojito. Brought me a cigarette too. Rolled it himself. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which is why he’s always wearing that weird leather pig mask (Welcome to Hell)

“Things are so crazy right now. In a year, Donald Trump is either going to be president again, or we’re going to see him in Times Square offering to take pictures with tourists next to Elmo and Spider-Man.” — Seth Meyers

“Now, you’re probably saying, didn’t that trial already happen? Yeah, it did. We also already did Trump versus Biden. Get used to everything happening twice. Get used to everything happening twice.” — Stephen Colbert

“Now, Trump doesn’t believe he should be held accountable for anything. At 2 a.m., he scream-posted ‘A president of the United States must have full immunity, without which it would be impossible for him/her to properly function.’ No, Trump doesn’t believe in any accountability. He believes the presidency should be like the movie ‘The Purge,’ which is why he’s always wearing that weird leather pig mask.” — Stephen Colbert

“It is nice to hear him being inclusive. [imitating Trump] ‘I believe the president, whether it be him or her, Hispanic or Her-spanic, should have a private kill squad to take out those who dare speak against him.’” — Stephen Colbert 

“This is the kind of thing that should end with Trump in prison or, best case, living alone in a motel by the racetrack. But every time he gets worse, his poll numbers get better, which explains his new 2024 slogan: ‘Welcome to Hell.’” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You went onstage and did what at an awards show? (damned if you do, Ted Cruz if you don’t)

“Obviously, Chris Rock did not deserve to be slapped in the face for a joke. Will’s point of view is he was defending his wife, and that’s a tough position to be in because it’s damned if you do, Ted Cruz if you don’t.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“To me, there’s only one more step to make this right: the Comedy Central roast of Will Smith, hosted by Chris Rock.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“And by the way, no one did anything. A whole roomful of people, no one lifted a finger. Spider-Man was there, Aquaman was there, Catwoman, all sitting on their hands. No one helped Chris Rock. We will never stop talking about this. It was so shocking. The only thing I can really compare it to is when Mike Tyson bit Evander Holyfield’s ears. Even Kanye was like, ‘You went onstage and did what at an awards show?’” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Flying monkeys and a witch (There were three Spidermen in it!)

February 2022

“I am taking issue with the 2022 Oscar nominations that were announced on Tuesday morning, which did not include a nod for last year’s biggest blockbuster, Spider-Man: No Way Home. How did that not get one of the ten nominations for best picture? There were only 11 movies made this year Forget the fact that the movie made $750m and is still going – this is a great movie. It wasn’t in the top 10 best movies of the year? There were three Spidermen in it!” —Jimmy Kimmel

“I am particularly annoyed that Spider-Man, starring Tom Holland and Zendaya, was snubbed in favor of such ‘serious’ movies as Don’t Look Up, a darkly comic parable for climate emergency directed by Adam McKay. You’re telling me Don’t Look Up was better than Spider-Man? It most certainly was not. When did we decide that the best picture has to be serious? As far as I know, this was not the point of feature film when they started making them. Ben-Hur? Chariots and leprosy. Frankenstein? A monster powered by lightning. Fantasia? Mickey Mouse on an acid trip. The Wizard of Oz? Flying monkeys and a witch. These are great Oscar-worthy movies!” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Now, there’s nothing wrong with a serious movie, a lot of them are fantastic and worthy of Oscars. But why do they have to be serious, is what I’m saying. When did that become a prerequisite for getting nominated for an Academy Award? Here’s what happened. The Academy voters, they looked at the list, they saw the names Leo DiCaprio and Meryl Streep, they checked that box, and then they put their kids in the car and they went to see the movie Spider-Man, and they loved it.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s a scientific phenomenon known as Aaron Rodgers (Incoming booster selfies in three, two, one...)

November 2021

“In a recent interview, the C.E.O. of Moderna said scientists he’s spoken to about the new Covid variant, Omicron, agree ‘it’s not going to be good.’ It’s kind of like when the trailer for the movie ‘Cats’ came out — the only thing we knew was ‘Well, it’s not going to be good.’ But we didn’t know the extent of how not good it would be.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Following the news on the Omicron variant, the C.D.C. is now saying that all adults should get a booster shot. Right now, Instagram is like, ‘Incoming booster selfies in three, two, one.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“But no one knows for sure, so both Pfizer and Moderna are testing how well their vaccines protect against Omicron. Unfortunately, they won’t know the results for two weeks, at the earliest. Evidently, the scientists are stuck in a container off the coast of China.” —Stephen Colbert

“And now for the bad news: Omicron does appear to be evading vaccines. It’s a scientific phenomenon known as Aaron Rodgers.” —Stephen Colbert

“And I wish they would hurry up, because I need to know what I’m doing in two weeks from now, you know? Should I be buying my ‘Spider-Man’ tickets or learning how to hunt and cook wild animals? Or should I split the difference and buy ‘Spider-Man’ tickets for the wild animals?” —Trevor Noah

“And also if we do need a new vaccine for this new variant, it’s not a big deal, all right, people? I see people online being like, ‘We’re gonna get a new shot every year?’ Yeah, you know what? Maybe to not die you need to take 15 minutes out of your year. What, is your life so busy that you don’t have time for that? I guarantee you, at some point in the next year, you will walk by a CVS. Unless you live in the desert — then it’s gonna be like a five-minute walk to a CVS.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Bank, Corporation, Politician, 99% (Biden wants a giraffe)

June 2013

"Yesterday President Obama spoke at the LGBT pride month celebration at the White House. He promised that as long as he is president, all Americans, regardless of their sexual orientation, will be spied on equally." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is traveling to Africa later this month, and it's got some people upset because the trip is expected to cost taxpayers more than 60 million dollars. It's mostly for security, hotel accommodations – plus Biden wants a giraffe." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Last night the Democrats beat Republicans 22-0 in the Congressional Baseball Game. Yeah, the Republicans were so bad at baseball, that today they're starting to rethink immigration." –Jimmy Fallon

"Ever since the government's spying scandal was exposed, sales of the novel '1984' have jumped 6,000 percent on Amazon. Yeah, '1984' shows how scary it would be if society tracked everything you do. And if you want to read it, just buy it on a website that tracks everything you do." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Superman is played by Henry Cavil, who is British. I'm not sure why all our iconic American figures are being played by foreigners. We've got a Superman from Britain, a Batman from Britain, a Spider-Man from Britain, and a president from Kenya." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m sure Americans will fully accept the truth and they’ll put all conspiracy theories to rest (farm to table)

August 2021

“Well, guys, as I mentioned, today the report on the origins of Covid was completed, and an unclassified version will soon be released to the public. And like everything with this pandemic, I’m sure Americans will fully accept the truth and they’ll put all conspiracy theories to rest.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yep, the unclassified report will come out in a few days, or sooner if Sony accidentally leaks it early.” — Jimmy Fallon, referring to the leaked “Spider-Man” trailer

“President Biden yesterday encouraged Americans who have been waiting for the F.D.A. to approve the Pfizer coronavirus vaccine to go out and get the shot. But I don’t know, something tells me they’re going to find a way to move the goal posts again: [imitating anti-vaxxer] ‘Sure, it’s F.D.A.-approved, but is it farm to table, something that’s suddenly very important to me?’” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or as the Mayans put it, 'So we were off by one day.' (Joe Biden was real excited to meet Spider-Man)

December 2012

"After three years and six seasons, the final episode of 'Jersey Shore' aired tonight. Or as the Mayans put it, 'So we were off by one day.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There's a photo going around with President Obama playing with a staffer's son who's dressed as Spider-Man. Obama was like, 'Shouldn't you be fighting the Green Goblin?' And the kid was like, 'shouldn't you be working on the fiscal cliff?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The kid was really excited to meet the president, while Joe Biden was real excited to meet Spider-Man." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

By the way, for Mike Pence, ‘looking you in the eye’ is second base (And irony is now as dead as his eyes)

“Mike Pence didn’t wear a mask when visiting the Mayo Clinic. Pence said he wanted to be able to look people in the eye to thank them personally for their sacrifice. You can still look them in the eye with a mask! It’s not a blindfold.” — Stephen Colbert

“By the way, for Mike Pence, ‘looking you in the eye’ is second base.” — Stephen Colbert

“See, he didn’t want to wear a mask because he wanted to look them in the eye and say thank you. What kind of a mask was he planning to wear, Spider-Man?” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Meanwhile, Team Trump is busy declaring victory. The president’s pretty little son-in-law was on ‘Fox and Friends’ this morning. He said the federal government ‘rose to the challenge’ and that ‘This is a great success story.’ And irony is now as dead as his eyes.” — Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

because now I don't have to buy a Halloween costume (the co-pay was ridiculous)

May 2011

"The world was supposed to end last Saturday but at the last minute, it was picked up for another season." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some people sold all their possessions to prepare for Judgment Day. They're idiots. If the world does end, what are you going to do with your money? Walmart is closed." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Harold Camping has shifted his prediction of the apocalypse from May 21 to October 21, which is great because now I don't have to buy a Halloween costume." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Apparently the Rapture is being produced by the same people that produced 'Spider-Man the Musical.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Oprah's show is ending. I tried to get my doctor to euthanize me, but the co-pay was ridiculous." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

his ghost was offered a nightly show on Fox News (He cares three hours worth)

"President Obama is cutting his trip to Latin America short by a few hours because of the situation in Libya. So to everyone who said Obama didn't care about Libya, you're wrong. He cares three hours worth." –Jimmy Fallon

"A man in Texas used his obituary to ask for donations to anyone running against Obama in 2012. And then his ghost was offered a nightly show on Fox News." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton said that Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi is engaged in 'theater.' Which explains the new strategy to defeat him: casting him as the lead in 'Spider-Man: the Musical.'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Eh, let's see how I feel (The Trickle-Down Theory)

When asked in an interview yesterday if he is always truthful, President Trump responded, "I do try, and I always want to tell the truth. When I can, I tell the truth." Wow! I mean it's hard to believe that in a couple of hundred years, America went from, "I cannot tell a lie" to, "Eh, let's see how I feel." --Seth Meyers

A man on Long Island who discovered human bones in his basement this week told reporters he has a premonition it is the skeleton of his father. Added the man, "And now I'm getting a premonition that I'm a murder suspect." --Seth Meyers

The Motion Picture Association of America has released a new study showing that 57% of movies in last 50 years have been rated R. While the other 43% have been "Spider-Man." --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

psychologists believe this comic book was actually very handy in helping President Bush understand the transition (inauguration fever)

"I have inauguration fever. 'Twas the night before the inauguration, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, as Dick Cheney tortured a mouse." --Craig Ferguson

"Barack Obama now the 44th President of the United States. Fascinating. As you know, we've never had an African-American president. We've had a Dutch-American president. We've had an Irish-American president. We've even had an incompetent American president. But we've never had an African-American president." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama is in the latest issue of the 'Spider-Man' comics. That's when you know you're big, when you're in 'Spider-Man' comics. The story is about how Spider-Man stops bad guys from ruining Barack's inauguration. And psychologists believe this comic book was actually very handy in helping President Bush understand the transition." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

That's great, but I was kinda hoping for a car (for when Spiderman visits)

"On Monday, President Bush held his first-ever white tie dinner in honor of Queen Elizabeth, opting to save the even more formal platinum tie dinner for when Spiderman visits." --Amy Poehler

"While visiting troops in Iraq on Thursday, Vice President Dick Cheney told them that he knows they are suffering hardships from extended deployments, but the longer stays are vital to the mission. Then, still pointing his side arm, he slowly backed into his plane and left." --Amy Poehler

"Last week, Oprah Winfrey endorsed Barack Obama for president. Said Obama, 'That's great, but I was kinda hoping for a car.'" --Amy Poehler

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Bush says it should take Obama weeks to find where he hid the dead fish

"Well, did you all see Obama's speech? He said America is finally ready to lead again, to which Bush said: 'Hey, I'm sitting here! Hello! I'm still here!'" --Jay Leno 



"Barack Obama is in the latest issue of the 'Spider-Man' comics. That's when you know you're big, when you're in 'Spider-Man' comics. The story is about how Spider-Man stops bad guys from ruining Barack's inauguration. And psychologists believe this comic book was actually very handy in helping President Bush understand the transition." --Jay Leno



"Officials at the White House say that President Bush completed his last piece of official business in the Oval Office at 6:00 am this morning. Yep. Bush says it should take Obama weeks to find where he hid the dead fish." --Conan O'Brien 



All of a sudden they've got work to do?

After 20 years, Kobe Bryant tonight played his final game in purple and gold. He suited up for the Lakers for the very last time. Kobe's officially retired from basketball. The rest of the team retired in November. –Jimmy Kimmel

The new Spider-Man is a teenager. Last night they unveiled the title and logo for the new Spider-Man film, "Spider-Man Homecoming." Which is interesting. When I was in high school, "Spider-Man" is what I was reading instead of going to homecoming. –Jimmy Kimmel

Some prominent Republican congressmen are saying they might not even go to the convention, which is in Cleveland this summer. Not because it might get crazy — they're saying they can't go because they have work to do. This summer. These are congressmen. All of a sudden they've got work to do? –Jimmy Kimmel

Wait a second, it's THAT Adolf Hitler?

Newly leaked emails from Sony Pictures show there was an agreement between executives to keep Spider-Man white and straight. However, in order to please the gay community "The Fantastic Four" will now be "The Fabulous Four." –Conan O’Brien

Fourteen paintings by Adolf Hitler were sold at auction in Germany. After the auction the surprised buyer said, "Wait a second, it's THAT Adolf Hitler?" –Conan O’Brien

Spider-Man stops bad guys from ruining Barack's inauguration (room full of stupid)

"This morning, Barack Obama entered the Oval Office for the first time as president and he spent ten minutes alone. Yep. Shows you how things have changed. When President Bush spent ten minutes alone in the Oval Office, it was called a time-out." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama is in the latest issue of the 'Spider-Man' comics. That's when you know you're big, when you're in 'Spider-Man' comics. The story is about how Spider-Man stops bad guys from ruining Barack's inauguration. And psychologists believe this comic book was actually very handy in helping President Bush understand the transition." --Jay Leno

A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-

collected-poems-1985-2015.html