When you think responsible, ethical and trustworthy, you think Exxon Mobil (a Dickensian allegory for destitution)

Donald Trump has continued to make more surprising appointments in his cabinet. This morning, Trump chose the CEO of Exxon Mobil, Rex Tillerson, as his secretary of state. Because, you know, when you think responsible, ethical and trustworthy, you think Exxon Mobil. –James Corden

This is our first show of the New Year after the holidays. We’re very happy to be back. We actually would have come back last week but marijuana was just legalized here in California so, you know. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think it's pretty natural to lose trust in a guy who shoots his friends in the face (Uh, Yeah, About That Job...)

I saw that David Allan Coe, the writer of the famous country song “Take This Job and Shove It,” was charged with tax evasion and owes the IRS almost half a million dollars. Which explains his new song called "Uh, Yeah, About That Job..." –Jimmy Fallon

"Dick Cheney is back in the news. He's talking about his memoirs. Cheney said that George Bush stopped taking his advice during the second term of their Administration. And in Bush's defense, I think it's pretty natural to lose trust in a guy who shoots his friends in the face." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

their old code of conduct, money up front, no kissing on the mouth (he is six years older than Israel)

Insiders are concerned that President Biden’s chances for re-election could be damaged by his unwavering support for Israel. But I think the bigger problem for Biden is that he is six years older than Israel. —Michael Che

The House Ethics Committee released its report on George Santos, seen here asking your grandma for her Social Security number, and concluded that there is substantial evidence that he used campaign funds for shopping and cosmetic procedures. Santos would have denied the allegations but he had to rest his new lips. —Michael Che

The Supreme Court is adopting a new code of conduct replacing their old code of conduct, money up front, no kissing on the mouth. —Michael Che

The man who attacked Nancy Pelosi’s husband with a hammer has been found guilty and is expected to be imprisoned until Trump’s first day back as president. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Republicans are determined to keep trying until they finally get it wrong (He laughed so hard he almost fell off a billionaire’s yacht)

“Jim Jordan may have failed in his first bid to become speaker of the House, but Republicans are determined to keep trying until they finally get it wrong.” —Seth Meyers

“Several GOP lawmakers voted for the former New York congressman Lee Zeldin, which means they’re running out of options even alphabetically.” —Seth Meyers

“Justice Amy Coney Barrett said in a new interview that the US supreme court should adopt an ethics code, adding ‘all nine justices are very committed to the highest standards of ethical conduct.’ And when he read that interview, Clarence Thomas laughed so hard he almost fell off a billionaire’s yacht.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It won Best Writing, Best Drama, and Best Mike Pence Fantasy (safe words)

The big winner at last night’s Emmys was “The Handmaid’s Tale,” a show about a repressive society where women have no rights. It won Best Writing, Best Drama, and Best Mike Pence Fantasy. –Conan O’Brien

The wife of Donald Trump’s ethics adviser was caught having sex in a car with a prison inmate. Can you believe that? Donald Trump has an ethics adviser. –Conan O’Brien

Britain's longest-serving dominatrix is retiring at the age of 66. Apparently men no longer want to hire a dominatrix who forgets their safe word. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

These mortals, they need so much care (It’ll go with their flexible ethics code)

The GOP’s healthcare plan came out last week and, so far, it’s popular with everyone . . . except doctors, hospitals, the insurance industry, patients, the elderly, Democrats, Republicans, and — what’s the word? — mortals. Yeah. These mortals, they need so much care. –Stephen Colbert

Goldman Sachs announced this week that it will be implementing a new “flexible dress code.” It’ll go with their flexible ethics code. --Stephen Colbert

This week the commerce department said that the nation’s trade deficit is at a record high in part due to punitive tariffs Donald Trump imposed. This is what you get when you elect a guy whose central philosophy is that big numbers are good. Colbert as Trump, “Look at that huge deficit. Almost as impressive as my giant, beautiful cholesterol.” --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, thank God I’m not George Santos, said George Santos (So I gave up eating bats for nothing?)

March 2023

The House Ethics Committee has announced an investigation into George Santos. Well, thank God I’m not George Santos, said George Santos. —Michael Che

The U.S. Energy Department concluded that Covid likely originated from a Wuhan laboratory leak and not a wet market. So I gave up eating bats for nothing? —Michael Che

Fisherman in Florida have discovered a 214 year old clam that was born the same year as Abraham Lincoln. The clam credits its longevity to staying away from the theater. —Michael Che

A man in Missouri is planning to turn an abandoned jail into an AirBNB rental, which will make it the first jail that refuses to accept black people. —Michael Che

It was announced that Puerto Rico’s only zoo is closing after years of alleged animal neglect. Worse, the zoo’s closing is being advertised as all you can eat. —Michael Che

A California man has set a new world record by visiting Disneyland for 2,995 consecutive days, but still no sign of his kids. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The game is in Arizona this year so don't be shocked if the Republicans don't accept the result (Where do I go to get my reputation back?)

“So it's Super Bowl weekend that’s probably what you were excited about. The game is in Arizona this year so don't be shocked if the Republicans don't accept the result.” —Bill Maher

“A few days ago there was another balloon over Latin America. They shot it down and Candy fell out.” —Bill Maher

“The State of the Union Address, don’t worry you don't have to say you saw it. I didn't either. It's ridiculous this thing. The state of our Union is uncivil, that’s what it is. I saw the clips. Oh my God, Republicans you know, Biden's trying to make a speech. They act like it's a bachelorette party at a comedy club. Marjorie Taylor Green screaming and shouting and yelling and heckling and booing. It's the State of the Union not The Rocky Horror Picture Show you dumbass.” —Bill Maher

The FBI has said that is was probably a lab leak that was responsible for the Covid outbreak. The manager at the Wuhan bat on a stick today said, ‘Where do I go to get my reputation back?’” —Bill Maher

“Republicans have taken over the house now, so the Ethics Committee they're investigating AOC because of that dress she wore at the Met Gala. Remember that Tax The Rich dress? There's something about improper gifts or whatever it is. Younger viewers who are watching this show might need to know that this is not the first time the Democrats have had a scandal that involved a dress with something on it.” —Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Protect the establishment at all costs (Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him)

"I heard that New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is very excited about the movie 'Hunger Games.' He's apparently under the impression it's about competitive eating." –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich had a horrible week in the Iowa caucuses. Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him.” –David Letterman

"They are talking about John McCain and his relationship with that hot blond lobbyist, Vicki. But I want to tell you something. After Senator Larry Craig, this is a Washington scandal the whole family can enjoy, don't you think?" --David Letterman

 

"And now on Monday, right after being sworn in, the new governor of New York, David Paterson, he announces that he cheated on his wife. I'm thinking, this guy didn't waste any time, did he?" --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

OK, this isn't funny anymore (Protect the establishment at all costs)

Guys, tonight was the big Rockefeller Center. Christmas tree lighting. There were thousands of people out in the plaza. It was really nice watching parents show their kids the true meaning of claustrophobia. --Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump is 20 points ahead of the other Republican candidates. Even Trump was like, “OK, this isn't funny anymore.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Jeb Bush’s brother Neil said that their mother has 'come around' to the idea of Jeb running for president in 2016. Because if there's anything that says you're qualified to be president, it's your own mom saying, 'I guess you could do it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Maybe they can remember what their original positions were? (Protect the establishment at all costs)

"Well, according to a new study, coffee can improve your memory, that's what they say, drinking coffee improves your memory. Which is good news for both Barack Obama and John McCain. If we can get them to have some coffee before their first debate, maybe they can remember what their original positions were." --Jay Leno

 

"And I guess you heard the U.S. military is going to shoot down that satellite that's falling to Earth. See, I knew this would happen. I knew it was just a matter of time before President Bush did a preemptive strike on ourselves. Do you know his rationale for shooting down the satellite? He said he wants to try and bring democracy to outer space." --Jay Leno

"'Sarah Palin's Alaska' got huge ratings for its premiere. It was followed by 'John McCain's Mesopotamia.'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Five People You Meet in Hell (This confirms it. That's proof. He DID sleep with her)

"It's been reported that former Vice President Dick Cheney is hard at work on his memoirs. It's called 'The Five People You Meet in Hell.'" --Conan O'Brien

The wife of Donald Trump’s ethics adviser was caught having sex in a car with a prison inmate. Can you believe that? Donald Trump has an ethics adviser. –Conan O’Brien

You probably heard that Stormy Daniels' book is out. Stormy Daniels has written a memoir and she describes sex with Trump as the "least impressive sex" she's ever had. Once she heard this, Melania Trump said, "This confirms it. That's proof. He DID sleep with her." --Conan O’Brien

The charity organization Oxfam is renting out President Trump’s childhood home to refugees. It’s pretty cool; they’ve already rented out a room to a refugee on the run named “Melania.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a fist bump makes it look like he just hit a home run in the company softball game (and … BOOM go the ethics)

July 2022

“Meanwhile, Joe Biden toured the Middle East and met with Saudi Arabian Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, whom Biden once referred to as a ‘pariah’ for his role in the killing of journalist Jamal Khashoggi in 2018. This was always going to be a touchy trip because the crown prince is infamously, and I’m putting it delicately here, a murderer. But on the other hand, gas is $5 a gallon, so …” —Stephen Colbert

“It was important that Biden put a lot of thought into how he would greet MBS. Biden opted for a fist bump instead of the standard handshake, and … boom go the ethics.” —Stephen Colbert

“Now, I know you did that because you didn’t want to be seen shaking his hand, but a fist bump is way worse. At least with a handshake you might think, ‘Well, it’s two world leaders, like it or not, but that’s standard enough.’ But a fist bump makes it look like he just hit a home run in the company softball game.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’ll go with their flexible ethics code (It’s a driiifteerrrrr!)

"Since the brutal presidential election, there's been a lot of soul searching going on at Fox News. I am confident that they will eventually find one." –Stephen Colbert

A woman who hasn’t even entered the race yet: Minnesota senator and woman realizing no one touched her dish at the potluck, Amy Klobuchar. Senator Klobuchar is expected to announce she’s running for president on Sunday, but there’s a bit of a hitch, because apparently she’s having trouble finding staffers for her campaign, reportedly because Klobuchar’s mistreatment of staff has scared off candidates. I’m kind of shocked. I mean, I’ve interviewed Amy Klobuchar and she’s so nice. This is like getting a car from Oprah and finding a body in the trunk. Colbert as Oprah, “It’s a driiifteerrrrr!” --Stephen Colbert

"If you want to avoid getting pregnant there is only one surefire way: be a man." –Stephen Colbert

Goldman Sachs announced this week that it will be implementing a new “flexible dress code.” It’ll go with their flexible ethics code. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

from now on, all bribe money has to be in a clear plastic bag (It's a trap!)

"Hillary Clinton blasted the vice president today

for failing to disclose all the facts. She wants Dick

Cheney to give exact details. You know, like, "How

do you shoot someone and make it look like an

accident?" --Jay Leno

"This week, senators passed a limited ethics bill. It's something congress knows a lot about. Limited ethics. Some of the new rules are pretty tough, like from now on, all bribe money has to be in a clear plastic bag." --Jay Leno

"The Chinese president, President Hu, visited the White House. He received a 21-gun salute although Cheney said it was just an accident." --Jay Leno

"The latest in Iraq: the government has ceased to function. It's kind of like the Bush White House, but with more oil." --Jay Leno

"But not all the generals are against him. He still has the support of a lot of generals: General Electric, General Dynamics, General Motors." --Jay Leno, on generals calling for Donald Rumsfeld's resignation

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

Spoiler alert: They don't have any (I'm like, it's Britain. Who the heck does?)

November 2012

"Rupert Murdoch is the guy whose tabloids hacked into people's phones in England. He's back in hot water today. The British parliamentary commission delivered its findings. The report assessed the standards and ethics of the British tabloids. Spoiler alert: They don't have any." –Craig Ferguson

"The investigation concluded that Britain's current press watchdog has no teeth. I'm like, it's Britain. Who the heck does?" –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

from now on, all bribe money has to be in a clear plastic bag (Pope Francis is missing)

"Pope Francis is calling for an audit of all the Catholic

Church’s wealth. In a related story, Pope Francis is missing."

–Conan O’Brien

 

"Hillary Clinton blasted the vice president today for failing

to disclose all the facts. She wants Dick Cheney to give exact

details. You know like, "How do you shoot someone and make

it look like an accident?" --Jay Leno

"This week senators passed a limited ethics bill. It's something

congress knows a lot about. Limited ethics. Some of the new

rules are pretty tough, like from now on, all bribe money has

to be in a clear plastic bag." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Robert Reich: The 5-Step CEO Pay Scam

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

he's looking for a job that will make people hate him less (this whole 'women voting' thing)

"Senate majority leader Harry Reid refused to attend the state dinner for Chinese President because he considers Hu Jintao a dictator. In response Jintao said, 'You're coming. You'll have the fish, and you'll like it.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Republican-controlled House voted to repeal the healthcare bill. If that goes well, they'll see what they can do about this whole 'women voting' thing." –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger says he's considering doing a movie in which he would play a Nazi. He says that after being governor of California, he's looking for a job that will make people hate him less." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. The world leader with the funny name, who grew up in Asia, said he enjoyed meeting President Hu." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I'm afraid he'll make me look too innocent. I have to maintain some of my criminal mystique (100 senators and 435 congressmen)

Every time Putin sees Trump, he lights up like he just heard there was a sale on poison. --Seth Meyers

Trump does not want Robert Mueller to testify before congress. I thought you said Mueller exonerated you? Why don't you want him to testify? Meyers as Trump, "I'm afraid he'll make me look too innocent. I have to maintain some of my criminal mystique." --Seth Meyers

"You can understand why this lawyer fellow let his guard down with Cheney, because if you're out hunting with a politician, you think, 'If I'm going to get it, it's going to be in the back.'" –Craig Ferguson

"You know, the interesting thing is, these numbers are so big that people can't even comprehend them. Like $700 billion. See, the best way to understand large amounts of money is to think of it in terms of what it can buy. For example, you know what $700 billion buys? It can buy you 100 senators and 435 congressmen." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”