An evil soufflé needs time to rise (macaca-ish)

"Last Sunday night '60 Minutes' aired a disturbing Mike Wallace interview with Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. I don't like '60 Minutes' talking to our enemies. Everyone knows Iran is going to be our next global nemesis. They need to be isolated like North Korea, so they have time to blossom into a full blown opponent. An evil soufflé needs time to rise." --Stephen Colbert

"Midterms are a few months away. The intensity is picking up. Republican Senator/possible '08 presidential candidate George Allen of Virginia campaigning hard. George Allen was pointing out that his opponent in the Senate race, James Webb had sent someone to videotape all of George Allen's appearances -- which is not a very nice thing to do because George Allen says some really stupid s---. Like, 'Let's all welcome macaca over here to America.' Although in Allen's defense, he didn't know that the gentleman was already a citizen and didn't need to be welcomed to America, or that his name wasn't 'macaca.' I think Allen just assumed the gentleman looked 'macaca-ish'." --Jon Stewart

you can buy a three ounce tube at the airport for $162 (border patrol)

"I'm really looking forward to hearing from George Allen, Republican Senator from Virginia. At a debate last Monday, the senator skirted a question about rumors his mother was Jewish. A day later, he released a statement announcing that the rumors were true, and that he's known about his Jewish heritage for about a month. The guy knew for a month? He didn't say bupkis. Senator Allen, your newfound heritage comes with a heavy responsibility -- making the Republican Party look diverse. Let's face it, the only other famous Republican Jew I can think of is Joe Lieberman. You wasted a whole month, senator, when the big tent could have looked a little bigger. Hey, if Ken Mehlman found out he was black tomorrow, you would know about it." --Stephen Colbert

"The Transportation Security Administration has partially lifted the ban on carry-on liquids for air flights. You can bring liquids on the plane, as long as they are purchased from secure airport stores. What a relief, huh? See now instead of bringing your own hair gel, you can buy a three ounce tube at the airport for $162." --Jay Leno

"The U.S. World News & Report cover story this week is about the fact in just a month the U.S. population will hit 300 million people. The Census Bureau says it will happen October 27th depending on whether they are caught by the border patrol." --Jay Leno

Today he blamed the whole thing on the Jewish-controlled media

"Tip of my hat to George Clooney. That hunk of left-wing man meat recently shrugged off suggestions that he might run for political office. Bravo, Clooney. As I've said many times before, actors have no place espousing political views, or having political views, or voting. Besides, I think it's in the Constitution that no government office shall be held concurrently by more than one cast member of 'Batman and Robin' [on screen: CA Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger]." --Stephen Colbert

"Virginia Republican Senator George Allen is in trouble for repeatedly making racially insensitive remarks, insulting people for their background and displaying Confederate memorabilia in his office. I don't get it. Today he blamed the whole thing on the Jewish-controlled media." --Jay Leno

"The Fox network has a brand new show on Sunday nights. It's called, 'When Presidents Attack.' Did you see that? Former President Clinton lashed out at reporter Chris Wallace the other night on Fox News. When questioned about Osama bin Laden, Clinton said he tried to kill bin Laden. I believe him, but we all know what bad aim Clinton has." --Jay Leno

the hardest part is teaching a horse to swim to Miami (sprinkles)

"The Washington Post reports that there's a car shortage in Cuba and as a result, many Cubans are still riding in horse drawn buggies. The Cubans say the hardest part is teaching a horse to swim to Miami." --Conan O'Brien

"More problems for Virginia Senator George Allen. As you know, he's been accused of making racially insensitive remarks. A number of classmates of Allen's have come forward and said he used the 'N' word quite a bit. He says he doesn't remember that. You know the reason he doesn't remember? Because he never said it to a black guy." --Jay Leno

"Last night President Bush had dinner with the president of Pakistan and the president of Afghanistan. The president of Pakistan claimed Osama bin Laden is hiding in Afghanistan; the president of Afghanistan said Osama's in Pakistan; and President Bush said, 'I like sprinkles on my ice cream.'" --Conan O'Brien

Allen once had 400 slaves on a schooner named the Zulu Demon II

"A report leaked to the New York Times insinuates that the Iraq war has actually helped spread the Jihadist movement. President Bush none too pleased about the report. [on screen: Bush calling the assumption that going to Iraq was a mistake, naive]. Wow, going to Iraq being a mistake is naive? How naive? This kind of naive? [on screen: VP Dick Cheney saying, 'I really do believe we will be greeted as liberators']. That kind of naive?" --Jon Stewart

"As we know, Virginia is for lovers, and while as a state they've made progress, there are still signs of its segregationist past [on screen: water fountains with 'Lovers' and 'Non Lovers' signs above them]. That past looms large in this year's Senate race between incumbent George Allen and former Navy Secretary Jim Webb. The two are in a virtual dead heat following a series of allegations of racism against Allen. I believe you remember the first incident [on screen: Allen's 'macaca' comment]. Ah, macaca? Is that racism, or dickism?. But then the flood gates reopened. Reports surfaced that Allen had once kept a confederate flag in his living room and a noose in his law office and that he regularly used the 'N' word in college. I can only assume the 'N' word for him being nacaca. And of course, just this morning the startling revelation -- Allen once had 400 slaves on a schooner named the Zulu Demon II." --Jon Stewart

torture is missing a putt by this much (72 guys have to share one virgin)

"The new leader of al Qaeda released an audio tape claiming 4,000 al Qaeda members have been killed by U.S. and Iraqi forces. In fact, so many al Qaeda guys are getting killed, they're running out of virgins for the afterlife. Instead of 72 virgins per guy, now 72 guys have to share one virgin." --Jay Leno

"This week Virginia Senator George Allen introduced a bill to help black farmers. He said this wasn't to make up for anything he's said in the past. No, this going to make up for the stuff he says in the future." --Jay Leno

"President Bush on Tuesday reluctantly released portions of the classified report that stated the war in Iraq is adding to the terrorist threat throughout the world. Though suspiciously in some portions of the report, someone had crossed out Iraq and written in, 'Gay dudes'." --Amy Poehler of Saturday Night Live

Does it count if it was in Scrabble?

"President Bush on Tuesday dismissed the finger-pointing criticism from Bill Clinton that the Bush administration had not been vigorous enough in going after Osama bin Laden, adding, 'We'll let history judge.' Oh, it has. It's in this book [on screen: The 9/11 Commission Report]. You commissioned it." --Seth Meyers

"In wake of the George Allen controversy, Virginia Democratic Senate challenger Jim Webb declined to say on Tuesday whether he ever used the 'N' word. But it did not help his case when he asked, 'Does it count if it was in Scrabble?'" --Seth Meyers

"President Bush said today he is inviting other counties to help in Iraq. Isn't that kind of like inviting people to help you move? Iraq? I'm busy that Wednesday." --Jay Leno

the good old days when the only people that Republicans were screwing were the poor

"For the last two years of the Bill Clinton presidency, we told like 9 million Monica Lewinsky jokes. Now we're here tonight talking about Republican Congressman Mark Foley having cybersex with young boys. So, for the record, forget Fox News. We're the fair and balanced network." --Jay Leno

"Dennis Hastert also told reporters he will not be pressured to step down as House Speaker in the wake of the Foley scandal. Some say Hastert is afraid to step down, as there's a good chance he'll go right through the floor." --Amy Poehler

"Remember the good old days when the only people that Republicans were screwing were the poor." --Jay Leno

"What a month this has been for Republicans. George Allen's been on the front page and Mark Foley's been on every other page." --Jay Leno

He was just two racial slurs away from becoming Grand Wizard

"Donald Rumsfeld has resigned and the new Secretary of Defense is a guy named Robert Gates. He's a close friend of the Bush family. Yeah, that always works out pretty well. Rumsfeld took it pretty well. He said he's eager now to move on to try and legalize torture in the private sector." --David Letterman

"If the results hold up, George Allen will no longer be able to put the word senator in front of his name. He'll have to go back to his old title, 'Imperial wizard.' He was just two racial slurs away from winning." --Jay Leno

"Big, big win for the Democrats. Senator Hillary Clinton's overwhelming victory has fueled speculation that she will run for president in 2008. In other words, there was some good news for Republicans." --Conan O'Brien