That awkward moment (blow holes)

A UK startup aims to get humans living underwater by 2027, which would be an easy transition for the women on The View with blow holes. —Greg Gutfeld

The Democrat Party is about to tumble into the abyss of permanent irrelevancy. A recent survey has them polling at only 27%. Hell, Randi Weingarten’s sperm count has better numbers. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Kamala Harris has never looked happier (to pay for her electrolysis)

The Trump Administration put a $1 limit on government credit cards. Now Rashida Tlaib will have to use cash to pay for her electrolysis. —Greg Gutfeld

A woman who gave up a good job to pursue her passion for dumpster diving is claiming that she's already saved $50,000 and Kamala Harris has never looked happier. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

OK, but they didn’t have to do it in front of the class (wait till his boss at the factory hears about this)

Doctors in China removed more than 120 magnetic beads swallowed by a five year old boy. Wow, wait till his boss at the factory hears about this. —Michael Che

Officials in Hong Kong announced that after some hamsters in a pet store tested positive for Covid, they had to kill more than 2,000 of the pets. OK, but they didn’t have to do it in front of the class. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

If you do the math this will be the second time in a year Jim Acosta is out of work (Night of the Living Dems)

The US Navy has unveiled a photo of a warship firing a high-powered laser weapon. Its first target, removing Rashida Tlaib’s mustache. —Greg Gutfeld 

 

In Iran, a naked woman jumped on a police car to protest the country's treatment of women. In a related story, Bill Clinton just moved to Iran. —Greg Gutfeld

 

Walmart has announced plans to cut hundreds of jobs. If you do the math this will be the second time in a year Jim Acosta is out of work. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

we've had presidents show up to the inauguration with pregnant slaves (But Trump don't know that)

The presidency of the United States is not the most dignified job in the world. You know, we've had presidents show up to the inauguration with pregnant slaves. And I'm just talking about Bill Clinton. —Chris Rock

I have real condolences for, you know, the health care CEO. I mean, this is a real person, you know? But you also got to go, You know, sometimes drug dealers get shot. —Chris Rock

When it comes to immigration, Trump isn’t playing around. J. Lo is going to marry Ben Affleck again just so she can stay in the country. I know she's not Mexican. But Trump don't know that. —Chris Rock

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It'll be similar to the last version but with s'more features (I said "eating.")

Google has announced that the next version of its Android phone software will be called Marshmallow. It'll be similar to the last version but with s'more features. –Seth Meyers

According to a new study, roughly 20 percent of millennial parents have changed or seriously considered changing their baby's name based on what internet domain names were available at the time. "Don't make the same mistake my parents made," said Pornhub Collins. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What a time to start a new hobby! (Zombie Food Pyramid)

President Bush delivered a commencement speech at a university in Wisconsin. A very inspirational speech. Apparently Bush told the students, "You can do anything in life if your parents work hard enough." –Conan O’Brien

The president finally explained why he sat in that classroom on 9/11 for 7 minutes after he was told the country was under attack. He said he was "collecting his thoughts." What a time to start a new hobby! –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

one of his best friends owns San Francisco (Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable)

"Mitt Romney said he had no problem with gay people because one of his best friends owns San Francisco." –Craig Ferguson

"Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. 'Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.' With Larry I think it goes, 'Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable.'" –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Today, ABC asked him to be the next ‘Grizzled Bachelor.’ (fans everywhere were absolutely deflated)

“After 24 seasons as head coach, Bill Belichick is leaving the New England Patriots. Yep, even though Belichick is in his 70s, the job offers are already rolling in. Today, ABC asked him to be the next ‘Grizzled Bachelor.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“I don’t know about you, but I’ll miss the way Bill Belichick’s smile lit up a room.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“My staff over here tells me that upon hearing the news, Patriots fans everywhere were absolutely deflated.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Training camp began with the ceremonial burning of the rule book (ugh, fine)

NFL training camp began today for many teams. As usual, the New England Patriots camp began with the ceremonial burning of the rule book. –Seth Meyers

According to The New York Times, Ivanka Trump, like President Trump, is said to hold grudges. Well you know what they say, the apple doesn’t fall far from the orange. --Seth Meyers

Democrats held a roll call vote today to formally elect Hillary Clinton as their party’s nominee. Delegates had the option of voting either “no” or “ugh, fine.” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Which one of us are you talking to? (Zombie Food Pyramid)

"Look, I tell you though, John McCain is thrilled with his running mate! He's energized by this woman. In fact, he told the press today, Sarah Palin makes him feel as young as Larry King." --Jay Leno

"President Bush met with the president of China at the White House. The arrival ceremony was interrupted by a protester who started yelling, 'Stop the persecution, stop the torture!' President Bush had to ask, 'Which one of us are you talking to?'" --Jay Leno

"In international news, Condoleezza Rice, our Secretary of State, says that she has offered Iran normal ties if they drop nuclear plans. President Bush turned the idea down. See, I don't think he understands these things. Bush said, 'Iranians don't wear ties. They wear robes.'" --Jay Leno

"And Senator John McCain was on the Larry King show the other night. He and Larry got in a big argument over whose prostate was larger." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I wanted to see Rupert Murdoch put his hand on the Bible and burst into flames! (Zombie Food Pyramid)

April 2023

“Dominion Voting Systems settled its defamation lawsuit against Fox News on Tuesday, with the conservative news network agreeing to pay $787.5 million to avoid a trial. I want my trial! I want it! You were supposed to provide me six weeks of delicious content! I wanted to see Rupert Murdoch put his hand on the Bible and burst into flames!” —Stephen Colbert

“I guess it’s satisfying for Dominion that Rupey had to fork over a pile of cash, but that does nothing for our democracy. What we need is Fox News personalities to look straight into the camera, admit that they lied over and over again about the 2020 election, and then hurl themselves into Mount Doom.” —Stephen Colbert

“Fox News settled for $787.5 Million. That’s a lot of dough-minion.” —Stephen Colbert

“To counter any negative news, the company released an ad in the New York Times claiming that 41% of viewers still trusted the network. So less then half, kind of a weird thing to brag about.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That outfit is appropriate for only two things: intimidating voters or assassinating James Bond in the Alps (post-apocalyptic zombie wasteland)

November 2022

“With the midterms now less than a week away, Republicans and Democrats are making their closing arguments to voters. The GOP’s argument is: stop voting. Donald Trump and other GOP figures have encouraged ‘poll watchers’ to intimidate voters at ballot drop boxes across the country. Here are photos of men in Arizona dressed in ski masks and body armor. That outfit is appropriate for only two things: intimidating voters or assassinating James Bond in the Alps.” —Stephen Colbert

“On Tuesday, an Arizona judge ordered armed election ‘monitors’ to stay at least 250 feet away from drop boxes. I think it’s fair to say democracy is in danger when ballot boxes take out a restraining order.” —Stephen Colbert

“The rightwing group the Oath Keepers, is on trial for seditious conspiracy for their role in the January 6th attack on the Capitol. January 6th wasn’t just about smashing glass and hanging Pence. It was also about apps for the table, as prosecutors claim that Oath Keepers met for a late-night meal after the attack at an Olive Garden. That explains their new slogan: ‘When you’re here, your family didn’t hug you enough as a child.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's the best thing since ripped up bread (Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable)

"Isn't it odd how history's greatest monsters have an artistic side? Osama bin Laden was a writer. Hitler was a painter. Justin Bieber is a singer." –Craig Ferguson

"Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. 'Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.' With Larry I think it goes, 'Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable.'" –Craig Ferguson

"The royal couple is finally heading to their honeymoon for two weeks of living in pampered luxury, followed by a lifetime of . . . the same." –Craig Ferguson

"Osama bin Laden kept a diary. Well that's very sweet, isn't it? Turns out his secret desire was to sneak into New York and catch a showing of 'Mamma Mia.' He briefly considered joining the cast of 'Two and a Half Men.'" –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Really? Because it sure didn't look that way at your inauguration (It's not a game)

Over 27,000 people attended Bernie Sanders' rally in Washington Square Park last night. Which is especially crazy, since Bernie only went to the park to play chess. –Seth Meyers

President Trump last night threatened to close the U.S.-Mexico border, adding, quote, "Our country is full." Really? Because it sure didn't look that way at your inauguration. --Seth Meyers

During last night's town hall, Ted Cruz talked about how his daughters often play a game with him, called “attack the daddy.” His daughter was like, "It's not a game." –Seth Meyers

"British Prime Minister David Cameron is facing criticism from working-class voters after he was caught on camera today eating a hot dog with a knife and fork. And he got criticism from wealthy voters because he used a hamburger fork." –Seth Meyers

"If Donald Trump loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife?" –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So basically, New York subway rules (Hookers? What are those?)

March 2022

“While the select committee looks into whether Trump used a burner phone, Trump released a statement saying: ‘I have no idea what a burner phone is, to the best of my knowledge I have never even heard of the term.’ Which is interesting, because his former national security adviser John Bolton today revealed that he and Trump have spoken about how people use burner phones. Whenever Trump doesn’t know about something, he claims to know everything about it, like ‘I know more about windmills than everybody.’ When it comes to things he might get in trouble for, all of a sudden he goes, ‘burner phones? Never heard of them. Hookers? What are those?’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Peace talks between Russia and Ukraine in Istanbul have shown marginal progress, but the vibes at these meetings have been very uneasy. According to reports, Ukraine warned its negotiators not to eat, drink or touch anything out of poison concerns. So basically, New York subway rules.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know, they liked me a lot, too, that first year (Zombie Therapy)

January 2014

"It was announced that President Obama is going to visit Pope Francis. Obama said he can't wait to tell the Pope, 'You know, they liked me a lot, too, that first year.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama will visit Pope Francis. The president said, 'I'm looking forward to meeting the one old white guy who's not bashing Obamacare.'" Conan O'Brien

"The rollout of the Affordable Care Act continues to be terrible. Now comes news that not enough young, healthy Americans are signing up. Did they expect young people to buy insurance the same time that Play Station 4 comes out?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie continues to push his agenda. Today he proposed a longer school day for children in his state. In fairness, kids in New Jersey probably need a longer day since their buses spend three hours stuck on a bridge." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new report found that more than half of the people who have signed up for Obamacare are older than 45. Which is no big deal until you find out they were 25 when they first tried to log onto the website." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Walking Dead But Not Due to Preexisting Conditions (Closed due to it sucking)

November 2013

"The Obama administration asks Hollywood to work positive mentions of ObamaCare into its TV shows and movies. So AMCs new zombie drama is titled: The Walking Dead But Not Due to Preexisting Conditions." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama met the Stanley Cup champion Chicago Blackhawks. Obama was excited to tell the hockey players that ObamaCare includes dental." –Conan O'Brien

"The ObamaCare website won't be accessible at night due to maintenance. And it won't be accessible during the day due to 'it sucking.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What have these future generations ever done for us? (zombie outbreaks)

October 2013

"Former Vice President Al Gore is here tonight to talk some sense into us about climate change. My prediction: He will fail. Maybe if climate was spelled with a 'k' like Kardashian, we would pay attention. It isn't, so we don't." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There's a lot of talk about how global warming will be a disaster for future generations. When you think about it, it's hard to care. What have these future generations ever done for us?" –Jimmy Kimmel 

"In San Francisco, Apple unveiled its new products. Apple said, 'This iPad is the fastest and most vivid way to not be able to log on to the Obamacare website.'" –Jimmy Kimmel 

Jon Stewart on Senator John McCain calling some of his Republican colleagues "wacko birds": "You don't get to complain!! McCain, you don't get to complain. At all. Because if I remember correctly, no matter how cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs you think your wacko bird colleagues are, they don't come anywhere close to your hatchling. [On screen: clip of McCain introducing Sarah Palin as his running mate in 2008]. You opened Pandora's Box! You were the guy who gave the Mogwai a post-midnight all-you-can-eat buffet! You don't get to complain that now the party's overrun with gremlins!"

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, gotta go with the Taliban on this one (No wait, that's C-SPAN)

October 2013

"Nobody’s happy about the government shutdown. In fact, the Taliban just issued a statement where they criticized Congress for putting themselves before everyone else. You know things are bad when Americans are saying, 'Yeah, gotta go with the Taliban on this one.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"If you've never seen 'The Walking Dead,' it's basically a bunch of bloodthirsty zombies slowly devouring what's left of America. No wait, that's C-SPAN." –Craig Ferguson

"They passed out the Nobel Prizes. The Nobel Prize for lack of chemistry – that's an interesting category – went to John Boehner and Barack Obama." –David Letterman

"President Obama's approval rating is down to 37 percent. Time to kill bin Laden again." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”