Well, if you don't count the wire taps (and look good dressed as a construction worker)

 

"No, Larry Craig says he wants interns to work in his office that have a solid work ethic, a knowledge of politics, and look good dressed as a construction worker." --Jay Leno

"A lot of people said Al Gore was the best vice president the country ever had. Not to take anything away from Al, but look at the competition. He replaced a guy who couldn't spell 'potato' and was followed by a guy who shot someone in the face." --Jay Leno

 

"President Bush met with all the former secretaries of State and Defense for advice on Iraq. This is quite a change. This is the first time Bush has listened to anybody. Well, if you don't count the wire taps." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It didn't work out that great (Al Gore's revenge)

"How about the weather in Washington? Oh my God. The rain, or

as they're calling it, Al Gore's revenge." --Jay Leno

"That was a big bone of contention today on the cable talk shows.

Supporters of Sarah Palin say, it's okay she doesn't know what

the Bush doctrine is because the average American doesn't know

what it is. But shouldn't the bar be a little higher for this job?

Shouldn't they be a little above average? I mean, hey, let's be

honest. We already had an average guy as president. It didn't

work out that great." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I haven't seen Hillary this worried since they opened a Hooters in Chappaqua (they have no idea that they have no idea)

 

"Did you know Al Gore was voted our second most popular guest ever? Actually he finished first, but the Supreme Court overturned it." --Jay Leno

"Did you see Hillary yesterday on Oprah? Yeah, no jumping up and down about that marriage." --Jay Leno

 

"As you know, Barack Obama has won the last eight primaries. I haven't seen Hillary this worried since they opened a Hooters in Chappaqua." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like popping an Ambien before you watch the Weather Channel (Oh my God, where do we send the check?)

Let’s talk about Donald Trump, because we do it every night. He said that he may skip the next Republican debate on CNN unless the network pays him $5 million. But CNN laughed it off, saying, “We don't have $5 million.” CNN was like, “Fine, we'll just let Jeb Bush talk for two hours — oh my God, where do we send the check?” –Jimmy Fallon

The other big news is that Trump appointed Ben Carson as his secretary of Housing and Urban Development. That means Trump talked with Ben Carson and Al Gore on the same day, which is kind of like popping an Ambien before you watch the Weather Channel. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

This sounds like a guy who forgot it was their anniversary (Yeah, we wouldn't want that to happen!)

A Dutch man flew to China to meet a woman that he'd met on the internet, and when she didn't show up, he just waited for her in the airport for 10 days. He actually got sick and had to go to the hospital. And they treated him for exhaustion, malnutrition, and not taking a hint. –James Corden

But the truth is that sometimes we find love and we make that person our girlfriend or our wife — or as Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega did, you could make that person your running mate. Daniel Ortega, the incumbent running for president in Nicaragua, just made his wife his vice presidential running mate. This sounds like a guy who forgot it was their anniversary. Really have to scramble for a gift. –James Corden

Donald Trump himself seems to be aware of the shifts in public opinion which is why it seems like he's already building an excuse for a loss by saying the November election will probably be rigged. Former Democratic candidate Al Gore weighed in, saying, "Yeah, we wouldn't want that to happen!" –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Unless you count that trucker who played hard to get (cowards who don't have the courage to show their faces)

"This week a group of activists, known as Anonymous, hacked the Twitter account of the KKK. The KKK is furious. They said Anonymous is just a bunch of cowards who don't have the courage to show their faces." –Conan O'Brien

"According to an exclusive interview, Senator Larry Craig said that because of his sex scandal, he's now in 'the toughest fight of his life.' Then Craig added, 'Unless you count that trucker who played hard to get.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush told reporters he won't see Al Gore's documentary about the threat of global warming. He will not see it. On the other hand, Dick Cheney said he's seen the global warming film five times, and it still cracks him up." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Don't open the door. I'm training for the Olympics! (I hope you're hungry....for nothing!)

Corruption and crime aren't the only things plaguing the Olympics. There's also actual plague, because fear over the Zika virus, which can cause birth defects, has led some athletes to stay home and others to take special precautions, like freezing their sperm. "What's going on in there?" "Don't open the door. I'm training for the Olympics!" –Stephen Colbert

Today, Justice Anthony Kennedy announced he's retiring from the Supreme Court. I never thought I'd say this, but you're only 81! They say 81 is the new 79. And don't tell me your mind's going, because I read "Bush v. Gore" and "Citizens United" — you never had one. --Stephen Colbert

“So, reproductive rights in America lasted for less time than The Young and the Restless. Jack Abbott’s evil twin is going to be so shocked when he comes out of his fifth coma.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The good news is, I've adopted her. (Arghhh!)

"A teenage New Jersey girl found a 20 pound brick of marijuana

while cleaning the beach. The good news is, I've adopted her."

--Amy Poehler on Saturday Night Live

"This week President Bush's approval rating hit an all-time low of 34%. To improve this rating, the administration is going to adopt an adorable and precocious little black kid." --Amy Poehler

"Yesterday, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work with the environment. Then, in a stunning reversal, the Supreme Court awarded it to George Bush." --Amy Poehler

"A voluntary adviser to Barack Obama resigned Friday after calling rival Hillary Clinton a 'monster.' Responded, Hillary: 'Arghhh.'" --Amy Poehler

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So ladies, when I ask you to take a shower with me, I'm just trying to conserve water (It's just one of those things I guess)

"We need rain. Governor Jerry Brown has declared California to be in a state of drought emergency. So ladies, when I ask you to take a shower with me, I'm just trying to conserve water." –Conan O'Brien

"President Bush told reporters he won't see Al Gore's documentary about the threat of global warming. He will not see it. On the other hand, Dick Cheney said he's seen the global warming film five times, and it still cracks him up." --Conan O'Brien

"In a recent speech, former President Bill Clinton said that if Hillary runs for president, he'll do whatever is asked of him. Hillary says the first thing she's going to ask Bill to do is to stop winking when he says that." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm just alive and they hate me (and now they get to live in one)

January 2023

“Mike Pence has classified documents. Wow, that is tough news for Mike Pence, and fantastic news for Joe Biden. Unlike Pence’s former boss, Pence wasn’t hoarding the documents. The former VP said he took them home by accident, and they were found by one of his lawyers who Pence asked to search his home out of an ‘abundance of caution’. An ‘abundance of caution is why Mike Pence leaves the room when TV commercials come on. So evidently, everybody in US government just has classified documents lying around their houses. This never used to happen. Previous veeps had methods to dispose of this kind of thing. Al Gore would immediately recycle documents, and Dick Cheney would shoot them in the face.” —Stephen Colbert

“Additionally, four more Oath Keepers were found guilty of seditious conspiracy for January 6th and sentenced to 20 years in prison. They should be happy – they tried to break into a government facility, and now they get to live in one.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He issued the statement into a microphone at Taco Bell (Lawrence of Arythmia)

 

"Al Gore yesterday gave a speech and accused President Bush of repeatedly breaking the law. Al Gore issued the statement into a microphone at Taco Bell." --David Letterman

"Here's what we know about Ann Coulter. She's blonde, she's single, and well, maybe someone will set her up with O.J." --David Letterman

"Vice President Cheney is on an extended tour of the Middle East. They love him over there. They call him Lawrence of Arythmia." --David Letterman

"The United Arab Emirates says we will get our ports back if we take Michael Jackson back." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Evidently, low approval ratings can be contracted through saliva (Another classy move from a classy guy)

Evidently, low approval ratings can be contracted through saliva." --Stephen Colbert, on the effect of President Bush kissing Joe Lieberman

"I'm going to miss him, too. Another classy move from a classy guy. The man who stood tall even as his staffers dropped like laundered nickels from an Indian casino slot machine. He's doing it right folks -- going out at the top of his game in the middle of a criminal investigation." --Stephen Colbert, on Tom DeLay

"The most dangerous movie of the summer, 'An Inconvenient Truth,' starring Al Gore as, surprise, a fear-monger. Now, I've firmly established that I love truth in all its forms: God's honest truth, cold, hard truth, even the awful truth. But, as it turns out, I'm not so crazy about inconvenient truth. Not convenient enough for me." --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Those who heard the speech called it the worst elevator ride ever (Remember kids, mainstream media never lies)

"A tape was broadcast on Al Jazeera that is reportedly the first message from Osama bin Laden in over a year. Experts think it may not be a new tape because in the background you can hear 'Who Let The Dogs Out,' and he's wearing super-low jeans." --Conan O'Brien

 "Former Vice President Al Gore gave a passionate 10 minute speech where he criticized President Bush for, quote, repeatedly breaking the law. Those who heard the speech called it the worst elevator ride ever." --Conan O'Brien

"Now the latest political commercial by Barack Obama, I don't know if you've seen it, it attempts to portray John McCain as being unfamiliar with technology. Yeah. McCain was outraged, and he responded in an email, or as McCain calls it, a computer letter from the future. He doesn't know how it works." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Well, it’s just a classic case of do as I say, not as I coup (Thank you for clearing that up. Now, let’s go do that crime)

June 2022

“The first part of the hearing focused on the now infamous plan to have Mike Pence refuse to certify the election, a procedural move for which he had no authority. As former Pence lawyer Greg Jacobs told the committee, Trump lawyer John Eastman told him on January 6th: ‘Al Gore did not have the basis to do it in 2000, Kamala Harris shouldn’t be able to do it in 2024, but I think you should do it today.’ Well, it’s just a classic case of do as I say, not as I coup.” —Stephen Colbert

“And this is what we learned: All the lawyers knew that overturning the election was a crime. They all told each other that they knew it was a crime. They all told everybody in the White House it was a crime, including the president. They told him, ‘Sir, it’s a crime’ and he said, ‘Thank you for clearing that up. Now, let’s go do that crime.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Some of the crimes — some of the crimes described today were procedural and constitutional — a little light sedition among friends. Some of them were more straightforward, like, what’s the word? Trying to murder Mike Pence.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Turned out it was just Ted Kennedy's margarita salt (the love seat)

 

"Today is the 171st birthday of the flush toilet. Or, as Senator Larry Craig calls it, 'the love seat.'" --David Letterman

"The Senate offices were evacuated when they found a suspicious substance. Turned out it was just Ted Kennedy's margarita salt." --David Letterman

 

"Do you know anything about Ann Coulter? She's some kind of commentator or political thing. She goes around yacking and she gets herself into a lot of trouble. She has made some crazy statements about 9/11, and coincidentally Al Gore has produced a new documentary all about Ann Coulter. I believe it's called an 'Inconvenient Bitch.'" --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He will spend his free time doing what he loves most: slapping ice cream cones out of children's hands (ask my unicorn)

"President Bush on Tuesday reluctantly released portions of the classified report that stated the war in Iraq is adding to the terrorist threat throughout the world. Though suspiciously in some portions of the report, someone had crossed out Iraq and written in, 'Gay dudes'." –Amy Poehler of Saturday Night Live

"Yesterday, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work with the environment. Then, in a stunning reversal, the Supreme Court awarded it to George Bush." --Amy Poehler

"President Bush threw out the first pitch Monday at Cincinnati's great American ball park. 18 Iraqis were killed." --Amy Poehler

''While speaking in North Carolina, President Bush said, the economy is strong, and the best is yet to come. Adding: Also, the war's going great, we don't torture people, I'm 11 feet tall, and if you don't believe me, you can ask my unicorn.''

—Tina Fey

 

"Tom DeLay, embroiled in a lobbying scandal, said he will not run for re-election and he will leave Congress in a few months. DeLay says he will spend his free time doing what he loves most: slapping ice cream cones out of children's hands." --Tina Fey

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My money might be offshore, but my heart's right here in America (Hey honey, did you see what bin Laden's wife Susan did?)

"Hillary Clinton is working hard to win the women's vote. They say her campaign has six full-time staffers just for women's outreach ... and another six full-time staffers to keep women out of Bill's reach." --Jay Leno

 

"This week the president unveiled his new campaign slogan, 'Forward.' And Mitt Romney unveiled his slogan, 'My money might be offshore, but my heart's right here in America.'" –Jay Leno

"Al Gore's lovely daughter Sarah got married over the weekend. Critics are now bashing Al Gore for serving Chilean sea bass at his daughter's wedding, because it is an endangered species. In his defense, whenever Al Gore picks up a knife and fork, any species is endangered." --Jay Leno

 

"They said Osama bin Laden's wife tried to shield bin Laden with her body. And today Moammar Gadhafi said to his wife, 'Hey honey, did you see what bin Laden's wife Susan did? It was pretty cool, don't you think honey?'" –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We scientists don't know how to do that (he's totally focused on winning the Heisman)

"At a press conference yesterday, for the first time, President Bush acknowledged the existence of secret CIA prisons. Then the president added, 'but don't tell anybody.'" --Conan O'Brien

"It was announced this week that over the summer, Hillary Clinton's campaign raised $27 million, while Barack Obama's campaign raised $22 million. In a related story, Dennis Kucinich found a nickel between the couch cushions." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier this year,  Al Gore won an Emmy and an Oscar. Now that he's won a Nobel Peace Prize, some people say he may run for president. Gore says he's not even thinking about the presidency 'cause he's totally focused on winning the Heisman." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton says she's going to reach out to health care employees by working a shift as a nurse at a hospital. When he heard about this, Bill Clinton was upset and said, 'Great. This will ruin the plot of my favorite porn movie.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He wants to change his plea, I guess, to extra guilty (it's an exciting time to be in the commemorative plate business)

Donald Trump had a big win. Indiana is a basketball state. He’s worried that if he spent too much time there, people might try to grab his orange head and try to dribble it. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize. I guess he made some movie about the weather or something. He has had some year. He won an Emmy, an Oscar, and now the Nobel Prize. The only thing he didn't win was president. It's incredible. In three years, the guy went from Urkel to Fonzie."  --Jimmy Kimmel

"Between the death of bin Laden and the royal wedding, it's an exciting time to be in the commemorative plate business." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Idaho Senator and Minneapolis airport toilet aficionado Larry Craig was in court yesterday trying to withdraw his guilty plea for disorderly conduct. He wants to change it, I guess, to extra guilty." --Jimmy Kimmel

"There was a big story in The New York Times today about Senator John McCain, who's running for president. It questioned his ties to a lobbyist named Vicki Iseman. The story 'hinted' that McCain may have had an extramarital affair with her, but the weird thing is she looks almost exactly like John McCain's wife, Cindy. So he might have just got confused and grabbed the wrong woman. These two look more alike than the Olson twins." --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The good news, today he was nominated for the Pat Robertson Lifetime Achievement Award (This time, they actually counted the votes)

"During the big meeting [with Chinese President Hu], Vice President Cheney fell asleep, although the White House said he was just reading his notes. That's the same way he hunts: with his eyes closed. " --Jay Leno

"What a crowd, you sound like Dick Cheney when oil hit $74 a barrel." --Jay Leno

"New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin is being criticized for saying that God wants New Orleans to be a chocolate city and that the hurricanes were because God was mad at us. The good news, today he was nominated for the Pat Robertson Lifetime Achievement Award." --Jay Leno

 

"Vice President Dick Cheney's getting a tax refund of $1.9 million. How do you get a $1.9 million refund when your salary is $205,000 a year? How does that work? Apparently, he's writing off the guns and ammo as business expenses." --Jay Leno

 

"Congratulations to Al Gore! Al Gore won an Emmy last night. Actually, you know the secret to his win? This time, they actually counted the votes." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”