Just like Lindsay Lohan's probation officer (Almost verbatim)

"The Senate has confirmed Elena Kagan for the Supreme Court. She now has a job for life. Just like Lindsay Lohan's probation officer." –Jay Leno

"And former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told a group of fourth graders that the Bush Administration never used torture to interrogate terrorist suspects. Condoleezza spoke to the fourth graders using simple, uncomplicated words that they could easily understand. Same way she explained it to President Bush. Almost verbatim." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Dude, it was crazy. He roasted a whole pig and we played beer bong (birth pangs)

"But as some see mayhem and chaos in the violence, Condoleezza Rice sees chaos and makes 'mayhemade' [on screen: Rice saying, 'What we're seeing here, in a sense, is the growing birth pangs of a new Middle East']. Birth pangs? Yes, I believe today's contraction took out a city block." --Jon Stewart

"But I guess the only solace for the Democrats is that the Republican challengers McCain and Huckabee are also still locked in a battle to the finish [on screen: CNN's Dana Bash saying, 'I'm Dana Bash in Sedona, Arizona. John McCain, he's here this weekend. We just got back from a barbecue at his house. He had a gas grill going. He was barbecuing baby back ribs']. Dude, it was crazy. He roasted a whole pig and we played beer bong. Then Lindsey Graham jumped in the pool with his clothes on. He's nuts." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's time to make some profits (Oh, Canada. Oh, oh, Canada)

"Tom DeLay announced he will not seek re-election and is giving up his seat in Congress. He said that he wants to concentrate now on not having to give up his seat in prison." --Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney said he will not release any more tax returns. He said that he guarantees that he paid at least 13 percent every year. 13 percent? That's not a tax, that's a tip. In fact, it's even a crappy tip." –Jay Leno

"The hot gossip in Washington is that Condoleezza Rice might have a new boyfriend. Secretary of State Rice is being linked to Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. It's gotta be awkward dating a fellow diplomat. Like today, MacKay had to promise Condi he would get permission from the U.N. before he invaded her. Actually, I heard that she was trying to learn the Canadian national anthem. They were alone in a room and she was heard going, 'Oh, Canada. Oh, oh, Canada.'." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

See what happens when the two parties put aside their principles and do what is best for them personally? (Almost verbatim)

"And former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told a group of fourth graders that the Bush Administration never used torture to interrogate terrorist suspects. Condoleezza spoke to the fourth graders using simple, uncomplicated words that they could easily understand. Same way she explained it to President Bush. Almost verbatim." --Jay Leno

"We finally have a debt deal. See what happens when the two parties put aside their principles and do what is best for them personally?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In the NBC/Wall Street Journal poll, among African Americans, President Bush's approval rating is 2 percent (good luck getting anyone to believe that one)

 The big story from Washington today is that President Bush may have lied to investigators about the CIA leak. The theory is that President Bush may have been playing dumb. Well good luck getting anyone to believe that one." --Jay Leno

"President Bush, not looking good. His approval rating is down to 38. 38! That's lower than Dick Cheney's pulse. In fact, his approval rating is so low he's actually eligible for FEMA assistance now. And It gets worse. According to the new NBC/Wall Street Journal poll, among African Americans, President Bush's approval rating is 2 percent. You know who the 2 percent are? Condoleezza Rice and Clarence Thomas." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Alexa, who payed the largest criminal fine in United States history? (For the last time, I'm Whoopi Goldberg)

Britain has a new foreign secretary, and the new foreign secretary once likened Hillary Clinton to a "sadistic nurse." After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "Man, I wish." –Conan O’Brien

A new report says that former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice recently rejected an offer from Donald Trump to be his running mate. When Trump's people asked why she rejected the offer, she said, "For the last time, I'm Whoopi Goldberg." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Alexa, who paid the largest criminal fine in United States history? (How much wine have they had?)

"A new CNN poll just came out about the campaign. Interesting results. A new study shows that wine drinkers prefer Hillary Clinton to the other candidates. Yeah, after hearing this, 'How much wine have they had?'" --Conan O'Brien

"During an odd moment at the Alito hearings yesterday, this is true, Sen. Arlen Specter announced that he goes to the same gym as Sen. Ted Kennedy. Not surprisingly, it's the gym that's closed 364 days a year." --Conan O'Brien

"Condoleezza Rice is the most popular member of the Bush administration. Yeah, experts say that claiming to be the most popular member of the Bush administration is like claiming you got the 'good' kind of Herpes." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

today she is denying that she used human growth hormone (I don't want to play with you anymore)

 

"How about this? Hillary Clinton won the New Hampshire primary last night, huh? It was a surprising victory and today she is denying that she used human growth hormone." –David Letterman

"Rod Blagojevich is going away for 14 Years in prison. His barber got the death penalty." –David Letterman

 

"Condoleezza Rice was in Rome and she visited the Vatican and all the priests were very happy to see her. And everybody kept asking her 'What's it like to be celibate?'" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The same way she explained it to President Bush. Almost verbatim. (Just like Lindsay Lohan's probation officer)

"And former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told a group of fourth graders that the Bush Administration never used torture to interrogate terrorist suspects. Condoleezza spoke to the fourth graders using simple, uncomplicated words that they could easily understand. Same way she explained it to President Bush. Almost verbatim." --Jay Leno

"A JetBlue flight attendant cursed out passengers, grabbed two beers, slid down the chute and took off. The pilots were furious. Those were their last two beers." –Jay Leno

"The Senate has confirmed Elena Kagan for the Supreme Court. She now has a job for life. Just like Lindsay Lohan's probation officer." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Not to be outdone, President Bush played tambourine on three songs with The Wiggles (Actually, my name's Ricky)

Bernie Sanders said that he knows people are disappointed in the results of the primaries, saying, “I think it’s fair to say nobody is more disappointed than I am.” At which point, Jeb Bush threw his empty Hagen Daazs container at the TV. –Jimmy Fallon

Scientists from Indiana discovered that an 8-year-old orangutan named Rocky can mimic human voices and copy words in a conversational way. But it got awkward when the first thing he said was, "Actually, my name's Ricky.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice performed a duet with Aretha Franklin at a charity event. Not to be outdone, President Bush played tambourine on three songs with The Wiggles." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

For the last time, I'm Whoopi Goldberg (Man, I wish)

Britain has a new foreign secretary, and the new foreign secretary once likened Hillary Clinton to a "sadistic nurse." After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "Man, I wish." –Conan O’Brien

A new report says that former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice recently rejected an offer from Donald Trump to be his running mate. When Trump's people asked why she rejected the offer, she said, "For the last time, I'm Whoopi Goldberg." –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump Jr. released a series of emails showing he actively tried to collaborate with the Russians before the election. When he heard this, Donald Trump said, "Good luck trying to connect me to Donald Trump Jr." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now I believe Linda has some announcements about Sunday's potluck dinner (Yes, I believe today's contraction took out a city block)

"But as some see mayhem and chaos in the violence, Condoleezza Rice sees chaos and makes 'mayhemade' [on screen: Rice saying, 'What we're seeing here, in a sense, is the growing birth pangs of a new Middle East']. Birth pangs? Yes, I believe today's contraction took out a city block." --Jon Stewart

 

"It's been a very busy and somewhat disturbing day throughout the world. President Bush was overseas in Germany as events unfolded. Here is his press conference with Chancellor Angela Merkel in Germany where he wasted no time addressing the many troubling developments [on screen: Bush saying, 'I'm looking forward to the feast you're going to have tonight. I understand I may have the honor of slicing the pig']. He may have the honor of slicing the pig? I'm just going to assume that is some euphemism for solving the Middle East crisis" --Jon Stewart

"Moving on. Throughout Barack Obama's startling run for the presidency, there has always been undercurrent to his candidacy, a whisper, if you will, that he was not of this nation. A foreign name. Perhaps a Muslim background. But recent events have clarified Obama's standing. The good news? He's a Christian, a committed member of Chicago's Trinity United Church of Christ. The bad news? This is his pastor [on screen: footage of Rev. Jeremiah Wright saying, 'The government gives them the drugs, builds bigger prisons, passes a three-strike law and then walks up to sing 'God Bless America.' No, no, no, not God bless America. Goddamn America']. All right. Well, thank you, pastor. Now I believe Linda has some announcements about Sunday's potluck dinner." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Which one of us are you talking to? (Zombie Food Pyramid)

"Look, I tell you though, John McCain is thrilled with his running mate! He's energized by this woman. In fact, he told the press today, Sarah Palin makes him feel as young as Larry King." --Jay Leno

"President Bush met with the president of China at the White House. The arrival ceremony was interrupted by a protester who started yelling, 'Stop the persecution, stop the torture!' President Bush had to ask, 'Which one of us are you talking to?'" --Jay Leno

"In international news, Condoleezza Rice, our Secretary of State, says that she has offered Iran normal ties if they drop nuclear plans. President Bush turned the idea down. See, I don't think he understands these things. Bush said, 'Iranians don't wear ties. They wear robes.'" --Jay Leno

"And Senator John McCain was on the Larry King show the other night. He and Larry got in a big argument over whose prostate was larger." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings (That's what the Cayman Islands are for)

"In an interview, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said that one of her all-time favorite songs is 'Rocket Man' by Elton John. She said the song reminds of her first boyfriend in college. 'Rocket Man'? So either he's very fast or very gay." --Jay Leno

"Enron's president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as 'karma.' The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings." --Jay Leno

"Have you heard about Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin? He's renounced his U.S. citizenship because it'll save him millions of dollars of taxes — to which Mitt Romney said, 'That's what the Cayman Islands are for.'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What's it like to be celibate? (I'm just gonna start the hashtag now)

"Condoleezza Rice was in Rome and she visited the Vatican and all the priests were very happy to see her. And everybody kept asking her 'What's it like to be celibate?'" --David Letterman

“Rudy Giuliani dropped out of the presidential race, but don't worry about him. He's already busy looking for wife number four.” --David Letterman

"Hillary criticized Obama so strongly that at one point he yelled at her. He just said, 'Hey, easy, lady, we're not married'" --David Letterman

"The big news coming out of Washington, D.C., is that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has now invited television cameras into the gym to watch her work out. They had her tossing the medicine ball with Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter." --David Letterman

 

"Was John McCain having an affair? I mean, think about it, John McCain and a young blond, and this was interesting: out of force of habit, Hillary is standing by him." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Luckily the Bush administration isn't using the Constitution anymore (Rocket Man)

 

"In an interview, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said that one of her all-time favorite songs is 'Rocket Man' by Elton John.  She said the song reminds of her first boyfriend in college. 'Rocket Man'? So either he's very fast or very gay." --Jay Leno

"A lot of political gossip out there. Looks like there's problems in the Democratic ranks. It seems tensions between Hillary Clinton and Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid are reportedly so high that it's almost like Hillary is married to him." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney is still getting a lot of flack for throwing that first pitch into the dirt [at the Washington Nationals home opener] -- whereas when President Bush threw out the first pitch in Cincinnati last week, it was a perfect strike. Then on the other hand, Cheney can read." --Jay Leno

 

"Heavy rains caused so much flooding in Washington, D.C. today that they had to close down the National Archives where they keep the Constitution. They had to close it down. Luckily the Bush administration isn't using the Constitution anymore." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Among African Americans, President Bush's approval rating is 2 percent (Political Language Explained)

"President Bush, not looking good. His approval rating is down to 38. 38! That's lower than Dick Cheney's pulse. In fact, his approval rating is so low he's actually eligible for FEMA assistance now. And It gets worse. According to the new NBC/Wall Street Journal poll, among African Americans, President Bush's approval rating is 2 percent. You know who the 2 percent are? Condoleezza Rice and Clarence Thomas." --Jay Leno

"Today President Bush asked if his visit to the hurricane zone would count toward the service time he still owes the National Guard." -Jay Leno

"Bush is keeping track of Hurricane Rita as it hits his home state of Texas. That's Bush's worst nightmare -- an electric chair with no power." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the same way she explained it to President Bush. Almost verbatim. (The stupid, it burns!)

"A JetBlue flight attendant cursed out passengers, grabbed two beers, slid down the chute and took off. The pilots were furious. Those were their last two beers." –Jay Leno

"'Rise of the Planet of the Apes made $54 million this weekend. It's about small-brained creatures who rise up and take over the Earth. First they form political groups called Tea Parties." –Jay Leno

"And former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told a group of fourth graders that the Bush Administration never used torture to interrogate terrorist suspects. Condoleezza spoke to the fourth graders using simple, uncomplicated words that they could easily understand. Same way she explained it to President Bush. Almost verbatim." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Among the new states would be Botoxia, Pornsylvania, and of course, the Commonwealth of Kardashiania (Drop it!)

"A major wildfire in northern California is now being blamed on marijuana farmers. Everyone in the region's really angry about it – unless they're downwind, then they're totally cool." –Conan O'Brien

A new report says that former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice recently rejected an offer from Donald Trump to be his running mate. When Trump's people asked why she rejected the offer, she said, "For the last time, I'm Whoopi Goldberg." –Conan O’Brien

"There's currently a petition to split California into several states. Among the new states would be Botoxia, Pornsylvania, and of course, the Commonwealth of Kardashiania." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Look, you're going to hell (That's like being MVP of the Knicks)

"Condoleezza Rice, secretary of state, is the most popular member of the Bush administration. Most popular member of the Bush administration? That's like being MVP of the Knicks." --David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden once got a speeding ticket in Pakistan. This guy had no respect for the law! When SEAL Team 6 broke into the house, he said to them, 'Is this about that speeding ticket?'" –David Letterman

"It was so nice down in Washington, D.C. today that President Bush was leaking classified documents in the park." --David Letterman

"Tomorrow the Republicans in the House of Representatives will vote for the 30th time on healthcare. For the 30th time they'll vote it down again. Who says these guys aren't doing stuff, huh?" –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”