Unless you ask me two more times (Oh my gosh. I'm Obama's dad?)

Michael Keaton said in a recent interview that it's very unlikely they'll be doing a Beetlejuice sequel. Then he said, "Unless you ask me two more times." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump said that he's not a fan of George W. Bush because he 'gave us Obama.' When he heard this, Bush was like, 'Oh my gosh. I'm Obama's dad?'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He leaves a wife, two kids, and six Squirtles (Shuffle of Shame)

A man in Oregon got stabbed while playing Pokémon Go and refused medical treatment in order to keep playing. He leaves a wife, two kids, and six Squirtles. –Conan O’Brien

There are some nursing homes in New York that are allowing elderly residents to have sex. There’s also a new trend the next morning at nursing homes known as the "Shuffle of Shame." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Why limit it to Congress? (proper channels)

F1, the new Brad Pitt movie about Formula 1 racing opens in theaters this weekend. Now I don't want to say that Brad is getting a little old but he spends 90% of the movie driving around with his left turn signal on. He offered to do his own driving as long as he could pretend he was running over Angelina Jolie. —Dana Perino 

In New York City's primary for mayor yesterday ex-governor Andrew Cuomo was defeated by socialist Zohran Mamdani. Cuomo was so stunned he tried to grope himself. —Dana Perino

After AOC said she wanted to impeach Trump he responded by calling her one of the dumbest people in Congress, which isn't fair. Why limit it to Congress? —Dana Perino

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I reject your reality... (so whatever you do don't ask about the Magic Johnson)

An ex-girlfriend of Shawn Diddy Combs testified they would use the names of famous NBA players as codes for sex acts. Yeah, so whatever you do don't ask about the Magic Johnson. —Greg Gutfeld

It's so hot in New York City that AOC is going to change her name to AC. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's be a lot cooler if you did (More important, how could you tell if they were?)

So AOC is being called out for flying first class to speak at a Bernie Sanders fight oligarchy rally. We haven't seen this kind of hypocrisy since R Kelly told me not to pee on the toilet seat. —Greg Gutfeld

Financial experts predict that Trump’s tariffs may increase the cost of Botox. So are its regular users concerned? More important, how could you tell if they were? —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Her most popular order was turn up the TV and stop talking (wear galoshes)

AOC tended bar before politics where the most popular order was turn up the TV and stop talking. —Greg Gutfeld

Well it’s National Burrito Day, which means officials are telling The View’s audience to wear galoshes. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So unfortunately men are still allowed to play soccer (Force the Vote)

So this week a bill that forbids men to play women's sports failed to advance in the Senate. So unfortunately men are still allowed to play soccer. —Greg Gutfeld

According to a new survey nearly 25% of Americans admit to peeing in the shower. Just peeing asked Joe Biden? —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Why not put her face on a bottle of syrup while you're at it (how to deal with deflated balls)

California attorney general Rob Bonta announced that Kamala Harris would clear out the field if she runs for California Governor. Wow, saying a black woman would clear out the field? Why not put her face on a bottle of syrup while you're at it. —Greg Gutfeld

According to the New York Post, 72-year-old Bill Belichick and his 24-year-old girlfriend Jordon Hudson are rumored to be engaged. Yes it was love at first will. Word is she reached out to Tom Brady on how to deal with deflated balls. —Greg Gutfeld

Bret Baier  is going to interview Trump at Mar-a-Lago for the Super Bowl pregame show. Meanwhile Kristi Noem is not allowed within 100 feet of the Puppy Bowl. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you do the math this will be the second time in a year Jim Acosta is out of work (Night of the Living Dems)

The US Navy has unveiled a photo of a warship firing a high-powered laser weapon. Its first target, removing Rashida Tlaib’s mustache. —Greg Gutfeld 

 

In Iran, a naked woman jumped on a police car to protest the country's treatment of women. In a related story, Bill Clinton just moved to Iran. —Greg Gutfeld

 

Walmart has announced plans to cut hundreds of jobs. If you do the math this will be the second time in a year Jim Acosta is out of work. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Y'all can't even push AOC left (I can't do math either)

The UK said it would not recognize President Trump's name change from the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America. Trump replied, Great UK, from now on we’ll call you FUK. —Greg Gutfeld

Philadelphia mayor Cheryl Parker is being mocked by sports fans for her inability to spell the word Eagles. When asked to spell the 76ers she said, I can't do math either. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And she says that so far he’s buying it! (I never thought you would be the first)

"While criticizing President Obama during an interview on 'Good

Morning America' this week, Rudy Giuliani said, 'We had no

domestic attacks under Bush.' You know, I knew one day we would

reach a point where people would forget about 9/11, but I never

thought you would be the first." --Seth Meyers

A female zebra shark in Australia has shocked researchers by

developing the ability to produce offspring asexually, after spending

time away from her male partner. And she says that so far he’s

buying it! –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

we've had presidents show up to the inauguration with pregnant slaves (But Trump don't know that)

The presidency of the United States is not the most dignified job in the world. You know, we've had presidents show up to the inauguration with pregnant slaves. And I'm just talking about Bill Clinton. —Chris Rock

I have real condolences for, you know, the health care CEO. I mean, this is a real person, you know? But you also got to go, You know, sometimes drug dealers get shot. —Chris Rock

When it comes to immigration, Trump isn’t playing around. J. Lo is going to marry Ben Affleck again just so she can stay in the country. I know she's not Mexican. But Trump don't know that. —Chris Rock

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

At this rate in two weeks she'll be calling herself toots (trying to steal his bowl of mice)

James Carville attacked Merrick Garland for not rushing to to prosecute Trump, then he attacked a mongoose that was trying to steal his bowl of mice. —Greg Gutfeld

As wokeness dies off AOC removed her pronouns from her Twitter bio and changed representative to congresswoman. At this rate in two weeks she'll be calling herself toots. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My eyes are up here (No, he didn’t!)

A group of scientists say they have been able to give paralyzed monkeys back the control of their legs using new implants. Monkeys who got their implants were like, “My eyes are up here.” –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump won the presidential election last night and then, out of habit, Kellyanne Conway said, “No, he didn’t!” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently the difference is California's version has avocado on it (He now faces up to 5, 12, 14, 20, or 25 years in prison)

"A federal judge ruled yesterday that California's version of the death penalty is unconstitutional. Apparently the difference is California's version has avocado on it." –Seth Meyers

A former Iowa lottery official was found guilty yesterday of rigging a computerized "Hot Lotto" game so he could win a $14 million jackpot. He now faces up to 5, 12, 14, 20, or 25 years in prison. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He can't wait to just take it all in, hold it for several seconds, and then exhale (blew an early lead)

Congrats to the Kansas City Royals, who beat the Mets to win their first World Series in 30 years. Since the Royals won, they'll get to meet President Obama. And since the Mets blew an early lead and lost, they'll get to meet Jeb Bush. –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday President Obama traveled to Jamaica, where he will meet with students and Caribbean leaders. Jamaica's such a beautiful place, Obama says he can't wait to just take it all in, hold it for several seconds, and then exhale." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Fine! Take the armrest! (Fake moos)

Donald Trump responded to Ocasio-Cortez’s plan for a Green New Deal with a bunch of lies. Trump told people at a rally that under her plan, “You won’t even be able to own cows anymore.” Man, Trump is getting really desperate. In two years, he's gone from, "They're going to take your guns away," to, "They're going to take your cows away." No one is outlawing cows. You know what we call that? Fake moos. --Seth Meyers

A woman gave birth aboard a JetBlue flight to Florida this weekend. Said the man next to her, "Fine! Take the armrest!" --Seth Meyers

Starting next month, people in Australia will be able to personalize their license plates using emojis, which could complicate things for the police. "We got a blue sedan with license plate, laughing man, crying man, dancing lady, little guy with a dollar bill for a tongue, cat with heart eyes, and eggplant. Copy?" --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Not as long as they waited for FEMA, but still, it's been a very long, long time (Mama Bear For Oligarchs)

"You folks excited about the Super Bowl coming up Sunday? And the New Orleans Saints' fans, I'm telling you, they have waited a long, long time for their team to get into the Super Bowl. Not as long as they waited for FEMA, but still, it's been a very long, long time." –David Letterman

"Women serving in the United States military will now be serving in combat. Finally there will be somebody in the tank who will stop and ask for directions." –David Letterman

"The good news is that Hosni Mubarak may step down. The bad news is that he may be replaced by his idiot son Hosni W. Mubarak." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

But the good news is, the staffer who informed Hillary is expected to make a full recovery (it’s about the journey, man)

The latest CNN poll has Donald Trump beating Hillary Clinton 45 percent to 43 percent. But the good news is, the staffer who informed Hillary is expected to make a full recovery. –Seth Meyers

New York Mets player Wilmer Flores excited fans this weekend after changing his walk-up music to the theme song from "Friends." 'Cause if there’s one thing Mets fans understand, it’s when it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month or even your year. –Seth Meyers

Police in Connecticut on Friday discovered a cache of 600 marijuana plants growing in the backyard of a daycare center. Said one of the kids, “It’s not how to get to Sesame Street that matters, it’s about the journey, man.” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”