The bombs will continue to drop and you will continue to pay the price (sideways walk of shame)

January 2023

“Earlier Saturday morning, after four days and 15 rounds of voting, Kevin McCarthy was sworn in as speaker of the House. McCarthy was like, ‘I'm just glad it didn't go to a 16th vote. That would have been humiliating.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“After 15 rounds of voting, McCarthy pulled off the impossible — he got people to watch C-SPAN for an entire week.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, I saw a new study that said noise from a ship can disrupt crabs while they're trying to mate. Or, as crabs call it, getting yacht blocked. Of course, when crabs do mate, the most embarrassing part is the next day when they have to do the sideways walk of shame.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So congratulations to our new Speaker of the House, Top Gun: Maverick (there's a reason why you only get three strikes in baseball)

January 2023

“Yep, as of tonight's taping, it's been three days and nine votes, and we still don't have a Speaker of the House. Before today's vote, C-SPAN was like, ‘We swear this is not a rerun.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Right now, Kevin McCarthy is so embarrassed, he went up to George Santos and said, ‘Help me create a new identity.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“McCarthy has lost nine times. It is brutal. I mean, there's a reason why you only get three strikes in baseball.” —Jimmy Fallon

“And get this -- I read that some Democrats and Republicans are considering a deal for a speaker both parties can get behind. So congratulations to our new Speaker of the House, Top Gun: Maverick.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Right now, people are betting on which we'll get first — the Speaker of the House or "Avatar 3.” —Jimmy Fallon

“That's right -- as of tonight's taping, McCarthy has lost 13 times. They say 13 is unlucky, but 1 to 12 weren't that great, either.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There were six American flags behind him and he didn’t try to hump any of them (my client pleads: not feeling it)

November 2022

Donald Trump made his big announcement that he’s running for president, again. It was very low-key, very low-energy. Did you see Trump? It was very sad. He looked like a gigolo on his tenth call of the day. There were six American flags behind him and he didn’t try to hump any of them. —Bill Maher

Trump running for president seems like yesterday’s news. It’s like AT&T announcing a new landline. —Bill Maher

“We cheer the appointment of a new special counsel in the justice department’s investigations into Donald Trump, for potential crimes related to the January 6th Capitol attack and for his handling of classified documents taken to Mar-a-Lago. The former president, meanwhile, said he was ‘not going to partake’ in a possible indictment. I’m no lawyer, but I didn’t realize that was one of the options. The subject does not want to partake in the investigation – ‘your honor, while admittedly the prosecution does have overwhelming evidence of his guilt, my client pleads: not feeling it.’” —Stephen Colbert

Trump has already begun complaining about the appointment of a special counsel, lamenting the ‘egregiously corrupt’ Biden administration and its ‘weaponized department of justice’ during a speech at Mar-a-Lago this weekend. The rambling address was aired but then dropped by C-Span. Even C-Span cut away! This is the network famous for showing wide shots of empty chairs, and even they were like, ‘This shit is boring.’” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, gotta go with the Taliban on this one (No wait, that's C-SPAN)

October 2013

"Nobody’s happy about the government shutdown. In fact, the Taliban just issued a statement where they criticized Congress for putting themselves before everyone else. You know things are bad when Americans are saying, 'Yeah, gotta go with the Taliban on this one.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"If you've never seen 'The Walking Dead,' it's basically a bunch of bloodthirsty zombies slowly devouring what's left of America. No wait, that's C-SPAN." –Craig Ferguson

"They passed out the Nobel Prizes. The Nobel Prize for lack of chemistry – that's an interesting category – went to John Boehner and Barack Obama." –David Letterman

"President Obama's approval rating is down to 37 percent. Time to kill bin Laden again." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

live testimony from the House subcommittee on paint drying (True Welfare Royalty)

February 2021

“Today, 44 Republican Senators voted that the trial was unconstitutional, because they don’t want to have this trial. Well, tough nuts. The country’s like a bar. The last president puked in the bathroom. Somebody’s got to clean it up, or we can’t use the bathroom anymore. Oh, you’re the ones who decided to be a busboy. So grab a mop and do your job. But if you can’t find a mop, use Rand Paul’s hair.” —Stephen Colbert

“You know what they say, gentlemen: see no evil, hear no evil makes you seem really evil.” —Stephen Colbert

“Trump’s attorney was so rambling, there were times it seemed like his plan was to put everybody to sleep, then grab the Articles of Impeachment and just tiptoe out. Even C-SPAN tried to save their ratings by switching to live testimony from the House subcommittee on paint drying.” —Stephen Colbert

“[Imitating Trump’s attorney] I am the lead prosecutor — sorry, the defense — here to prove the president is guilty — sorry, innocent — and should be sent to jail — sorry, to Mar-a-Lago. Wow. I guess Freud’s mom’s got my penis, I mean, cat’s tongue!’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because if being bad at something makes you not that thing... (Drunk History)

“Today’s live testimony was as dramatic as it was historic. It was the biggest ratings hit for C-SPAN 3 since ‘Drunk History’ starring Brett Kavanaugh.” --Stephen Colbert

"So this staffer overheard Trump asking about a foreign nation investigating his political opponent. That’s like if they had a picture of Nixon breaking into the Watergate.” --Stephen Colbert

“So Trump got caught before he could force Zelensky to do it. He failed, but the fact that he’s a bad criminal doesn’t make it not a crime. Because if being bad at something makes you not that thing, then Trump is not a business owner or a husband.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Can you speak a little louder please? (Isn't his annual autopsy coming up soon?)

"Happy Birthday to Vice President Dick Cheney. He turned 66 yesterday. Isn't his annual autopsy coming up soon?" --Jay Leno

"We are at that weird stage in the Bush administration, where half the White House staff is on C-SPAN and the other half is on Court TV." --Jay Leno

"This weekend, the President of the United States went on National Public Radio to explain that he knows [Vice President Dick] Cheney. Cheney is not delusional, just optimistic [on screen: Bush saying Cheney reflects a 'half-glass-full' mentality]. How twisted is your administration when this guy is your Pollyanna?" --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

So you can see why Trump was upset (she's stealing his act)

Saturday night was the annual White House Correspondents' Dinner and once again, President Trump did not attend. And today he seemed to be upset about the jokes directed at his staff, because this morning he tweeted, "The White House Correspondents' Dinner is dead." Then again, can you call anything that's only televised on C-SPAN alive? --James Corden

Comedian Michelle Wolf hosted the dinner, did the most amazing job. During the dinner, she mocked journalists and politicians. So you can see why Trump was upset — she's stealing his act. --James Corden

Trump skipped the correspondents dinner on Saturday night, and instead hosted a rally in Michigan. Trump said he'd rather be around people who loved him, so he went to Michigan and left behind the White House press corps and Melania. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the only Iraqi these days worried about dying of natural causes (casting their votes for Herbert Hoover)

"Big news about the '08 presidential election. Florida just announced it has moved up its primary to January 29th. This will give Florida voters a chance to get to the polls earlier and cast their votes for Herbert Hoover." --Conan O'Brien

"The president of Iraq, Jalal Talabani, came to America today to check into a weight loss clinic 'cause he's dangerously obese. Apparently, Talabani is the only Iraqi these days worried about dying of natural causes." --Conan O'Brien

"C-SPAN is launching a new satellite radio station that will be completely dedicated to covering the 2008 presidential election. Experts say that listening to C-SPAN is the perfect solution for people who find watching C-SPAN too stimulating." --Conan O'Brien

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Then Trump was like, “Thank God I'm not a taxpayer!” (even more Bush Red Ink)

A new report finds that protecting Donald Trump and his family is costing New York City taxpayers over a $1 million a day. Then Trump was like, “Thank God I'm not a taxpayer!” –Jimmy Fallon

Right now, the focus is on who Trump will appoint to his cabinet. In fact, C-SPAN aired a live feed of the elevators at Trump Tower that captured potential cabinet members going up to meet him. It even caught the moment when Ted Cruz was approaching the elevator and everyone inside frantically hit the “door close” button. –Jimmy Fallon

Trump’s campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, was being interviewed yesterday and said she’s “very confident” that Trump isn’t breaking any laws during his transition. Then Americans were like, “Uh . . . we weren't even suspicious until you said that." –Jimmy Fallon

Bob Dylan might have said, “Misses gravy’s on her ivory steed.” It’s impossible to tell

During a rally in Florida yesterday Donald Trump boasted about his plans for ISIS and said he will “be their worst nightmare.” Oh, wow, so he’s also running for president of ISIS? –Seth Meyers

President Obama has only 100 days left in office. Obama was like, “I just can’t wait to get home to Kenya.” –Seth Meyers

Bob Dylan was awarded the Nobel Prize for literature today. Dylan was like, “This is the greatest honor I’ve ever received.” Or he might have said, “Misses gravy’s on her ivory steed.” It’s impossible to tell. –Seth Meyers

A new business here in Washington, D.C., opened recently allowing customers to pay $15 to take a 20-minute nap. They’re calling the new service “C-SPAN.” –Seth Meyers

SOMEONE wants to be Donald Trump’s secretary of state (flying shoes)

Hillary Clinton has vowed to crack down on hackers who launch cyberattacks. She said, “If anyone’s going to abuse U.S. government computers, it’s gonna be me.” –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson was giving a television interview and was unable to name a single foreign leader. Hmmm… sounds like SOMEONE wants to be Donald Trump’s secretary of state. –Conan O’Brien

A woman in Virginia got nearly 600 calls after C-SPAN accidentally posted her number on the air. In response, the head of C-SPAN said, “Wait, we have 600 viewers?” –Conan O’Brien

This week, the FDA approved the first artificial pancreas. When they heard, all the “Real Housewives” said, “I don’t care what it does — if it’s fake I want it in me.” –Conan O’Brien

It's the saddest thing I've seen in my life (two Bushes)

"Best of all, I got to meet my main man, George W. Bush. I shook his hand -- very soft hands by the way. I delivered the closing speech. Needless to say the audience could not contain its excitement [showed footage of the audience looking bored]. Very respectful silence. The crowd practically carried me out on their shoulders. Although I wasn't actually ready to leave." --Stephen Colbert, at the White House Correspondents' dinner

"I'm spending Saturday night flipping through the C-SPANs. I come across this horribly frightening image [shows Bush and his  double at the White House Correspondents' dinner] -- the president of the United States of America, who is now apparently reproducing asexually. The White House Correspondents' dinner: It's the dinner where the White House Press Corps and the government consummate their loveless marriage. It's the saddest thing I've seen in my life: the two Bushes." --Jon Stewart

Now if you’ll excuse me, my party’s nominee has a WWE match to fight (Top Gun)

Democrats staged a 26-hour sit-in on the floor of the House to try to force a vote on new gun control legislation. You know the state of our Congress is terrible when you see a bunch of politicians sitting on their [butts] and think to yourself, “Wow, they’re finally doing something!” –Seth Meyers

Yesterday House Speaker Paul Ryan referred to the Democratic-led sit-in for gun control as “nothing more than a publicity stunt.” He then added, “Now if you’ll excuse me, my party’s nominee has a WWE match to fight.” –Seth Meyers

Maserati recently announced a recall for more than 13,000 cars because of a gearshift problem. Coincidentally, a “gearshift problem” is what prompts most men to buy a Maserati in the first place. –Seth Meyers

After the protest began, Paul Ryan declared a recess and cut off C-SPAN's live feed. Now, personally, I don't want to live in a world where Paul Ryan decides what's on TV. I'm guessing it would just be P90X infomercials and "Top Gun" 24 hours a day. –Stephen Colbert

The weirdest thing done by a Cruz on television

"So to express your opposition to Obamacare, you go to the book about a stubborn jerk who decides he hates something before he’s tried it, and when he finally gets a taste, he has to admit after he’s tasted it, 'This is pretty f**king good.'" –Jon Stewart on Sen. Ted Cruz reading Dr. Seuss's "Green Eggs and Ham" on the Senate floor

"Ted Cruz read "Green Eggs and Ham" aloud. That has now replaced jumping on Oprah's couch as the weirdest thing done by a Cruz on television." –Jimmy Kimmel



"In the end after 21 hours of railing against Obamacare, Cruz ended up voting the same way as all other senators. His speech didn't accomplish anything. But it was a big event for C-Span – so big that they're planning to run it again as a special over the weekend." –Jimmy Kimmel