We can stop hacking now. It's all over (ohhhh, Buffett…)

According to The New York Times, the Russian effort to influence the 2016 election on social media used tactics to try to suppress Democratic voters from turning out on Election Day though in the end she wrote this joke all by herself. Hillary Clinton on the campaign trail, “But I'm trying to figure out how we get them to have Pokémon Go To The Polls.” After that the Russians said, “We can stop hacking now. It's all over." --Seth Meyers

Warren Buffett yesterday joined Hillary Clinton at a rally and tried to drum up support for a tax increase on people making over $1 million a year. Chris Christie also showed up and reportedly said “ohhhh, Buffett…" –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Great. Now aliens are going to think we're poor (near-zero impact)

It was reported that Chinese hackers have infiltrated AT&T and Verizon to spy on American customers, which has got to be the first time anyone's ever said thank God I have Sprint. —Colin Jost

Scientists in Japan have launched the first ever satellite made out of wood. Great. Now aliens are going to think we're poor. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

We can stop hacking now. It's all over. (three in four teens know a narc when they see one)

According to The New York Times, the Russian effort to influence the 2016 election on social media used tactics to try to suppress Democratic voters from turning out on Election Day, though in the end Hillary wrote this joke all by herself. Hillary Clinton on the campaign trail, “But I'm trying to figure out how we get them to have Pokémon Go To The Polls.” After that the Russians said, “We can stop hacking now. It's all over." --Seth Meyers

According to a new survey, one in four teens say they used marijuana at least once in the past year. While the other three in four teens know a narc when they see one. --Seth Meyers

President Trump and First Lady Melania attended a Christmas reception today at the White House but not before Melania had the room swept for mistletoe. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the first time that "rock," "oldest" and "stone" have been used in the same sentence without mentioning Mick Jagger (Hey, great advice!)

Archaeologists in South Africa have discovered what they say is the world's oldest drawing. Experts think the crude, simple drawing on a rock was created more than 70,000 years ago. And probably during the world's first extremely boring work meeting. While a bunch of starving cavemen were off fighting a saber-toothed tiger, one guy was like, "Hey is it cool if I take a personal day to hang back and work on my art?" The rock features the world's oldest known drawing found on a stone. This is historic, because it's the first time that "rock," "oldest" and "stone" have been used in the same sentence without mentioning Mick Jagger. --James Corden

Donald Trump's Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh continues to face opposition. It's gotten so bad that Ivanka Trump has told her father to "cut bait" and nominate someone else. Ivanka said it's a lost cause, and it's better to just let him go and start fresh with someone new — to which Melania said, "Hey, great advice!" --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It should be a huge improvement over its original name, parade of regrets (He described the attack as 'al dente.')

Facebook launched its year in review feature, which brings up some of your top Facebook photos from the past year. It should be a huge improvement over its original name, parade of regrets. –Jimmy Fallon

"This is crazy. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was hit in the face at a rally in Rome yesterday. Berlusconi said he wasn't hit too hard, or too soft. He described the attack as 'al dente.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman from Alabama won a dinner with Sarah Palin on eBay. It cost $63,000. Palin says she'll take the woman out to a restaurant of her choice and leave after the appetizers." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I want my data back, data back, data back... (Slappuccino)

A coffee company has recalled 65,000 cans of coffee beans over concerns that opening them could cause the lids to fly off and hit people in the face. Although, it saves you a step. Usually you have to drink the coffee to wake up in the morning, but this will take care of that. The coffee company is really trying to put a positive spin on the story. They're marketing this as their brand-new drink, the “Slappuccino.” --James Corden

Today it was announced that a Russian man will be the recipient of the world's first head transplant. It sounds like they're going to put a new head on his body, but they're not. They're going to take his head and put it on another body and hope that it doesn't reject it. It sounds like there are a million things that could go wrong. But it's actually a billion. –James Corden

Another major corporation has been hacked. Customer information has been compromised in a recent data breach at the restaurant chain Chili's. Chili's customers were furious, they were like, "I want my data back, data back, data back..." --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And in a cruel twist of fate, it falls on hump day (hot sedans in your area)

February 2023

“That's right. It's Singles Awareness Day. And in a cruel twist of fate, it falls on hump day.” —Jimmy Fallon

“President Biden celebrated Valentine's Day by ordering takeout from a French restaurant in D.C. Yep, Biden ordered takeout, which was kind of fun because it's not often you see an Uber Eats guy with a Secret Service motorcade.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Well, listen to this. Cybersecurity experts are warning that electric vehicles could be the next prime targets for hackers. Which explains why my car keeps getting e-mails about ‘hot sedans in your area.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They know it's someone who understood technology and was interested in her background (a little gamey, but still moist)

"Not to worry, the man Dick Cheney shot left the hospital today, and they said he was in good condition -- a little gamey, but still moist." --Bill Maher

"To the vice president's credit, he did own up to it. On FOX News he said the fault was his, he can't blame anybody else. Boy, it's amazing, the only time you get accountability out of this administration is when they are actually holding a smoking gun." --Bill Maher

“These debates have jumped the shark because last night the Republicans talked about three things: deporting Mexican grandmothers, building a colony on the moon that could become the 51st state, and how Obama is out of touch.” –Bill Maher

"Can you imagine if Sarah Palin was president right now? They hacked into her email account. She couldn't even keep that safe. Somebody hacked into her Yahoo! email account. They don't know who did it. They know it's someone who understood technology and was interested in her background. So we can rule out McCain." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, it happens more than you’d think, said FBI Agent Seymour Butts. (Yeah yeah, heard you the first time)

"The Winter Olympics are around the corner. President Vladimir Putin says people will be allowed to protest the Winter Olympics as long as they stay in a designated protesting zone. When they asked where the zone is located Putin said, 'Poland.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"First Lady Michelle Obama is staying at Oprah's house in Hawaii this week. Oprah told her housekeeper to make sure Michelle has clean linens at all times — then Stedman said, 'Yeah yeah, heard you the first time.'" –Jimmy Fallon

When an FBI agent first contacted the DNC to tell them they’d been hacked, the person who took the call thought it was a prank. “Yeah, it happens more than you’d think,” said FBI Agent Seymour Butts. –Jimmy Fallon

China's new law allowing couples to have two children instead of just one went into effect in the new year. So if you thought you felt an earthquake, don't worry — it was just a billion people being told they were allowed to have unprotected sex at the exact same moment. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This decision was hailed as a victory by Native American leader Giggling Eagle (Don’t I get credit for anything?)

"The hackers who hacked into Sony have leaked the upcoming script for the new James Bond movie. Some of the executives said the news left them shaken but not stirred." –Conan O'Brien

"Sony has canceled the big Seth Rogen movie, 'The Interview.' North Koreans hacked their email so Sony said, 'Now we can't show anybody the movie.' I'm disappointed. I think this is the wrong thing to do. And I hear in the film that Meryl Streep is great as Kim Jong Un." –Conan O'Brien

"The Justice Department ruled that Native American tribes are allowed to grow and sell marijuana on reservations. This decision was hailed as a victory by Native American leader Giggling Eagle." –Conan O'Brien

This week, Sarah Palin said that God helped Donald Trump win the presidential election. When he heard this, a furious Satan said, “Don’t I get credit for anything?” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's never a good sign when your candidate is in danger of being overshadowed by something that technically doesn't make a shadow (I had this exact same feeling in 1776)

"Hey, yesterday, did you hear this? Computer hackers managed to shut down Twitter and my favorite, Facebook, for several hours. In a related story, yesterday American productivity jumped by 159%." --Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported the Republican convention decided not to show a hologram of Ronald Reagan for fear it would overshadow Mitt Romney. It's never a good sign when your candidate is in danger of being overshadowed by something that technically doesn't make a shadow." –Conan O'Brien

Chris Christie said he will top Donald Trump's Iowa State Fair helicopter entrance by riding in on a pony. As a result, all the ponies in Iowa have gone into hiding. –Conan O’Brien

"Speaking of John McCain, he says that people are so angry and concerned about America's future, that he sees a revolution coming. McCain said, 'I had this exact same feeling in 1776.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because my wife's family owns Budweiser (It starts with mom)

"Everybody is trying to find out more about Sarah Palin. Everybody is trying to find out who she is. This is the latest. This week, true story, someone was able to hack into Sarah Palin's Yahoo! email account because she hadn't taken the proper security measures. Yeah. So, folks, it's official. No one in the Palin family uses protection. This is a problem. It starts with mom." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of John McCain, in his speech today, John McCain said that illegal Irish immigrants in America should be allowed to become citizens. Yeah. When asked why, McCain said, 'Because my wife's family owns Budweiser.'" --Conan O'Brien

​​"Rev. Pat Robertson says that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. He did say that afterwards, gays will come in and do a beautiful renovation." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hear in the film that Meryl Streep is great as Kim Jong Un (Giggling Eagle)

"Sony has canceled the big Seth Rogen movie, 'The Interview.' North Koreans hacked their email so Sony said, 'Now we can't show anybody the movie.' I'm disappointed. I think this is the wrong thing to do. And I hear in the film that Meryl Streep is great as Kim Jong Un." –Conan O'Brien

"The Justice Department ruled that Native American tribes are allowed to grow and sell marijuana on reservations. This decision was hailed as a victory by Native American leader Giggling Eagle." –Conan O'Brien

"Russia has named Vladimir Putin its man of the year for the 15th year in a row. Putin got 143 million votes and the guy he was up against got killed in a mysterious boating accident. The boat was in a warehouse." –Conan O'Brien

"The hackers who hacked into Sony have leaked the upcoming script for the new James Bond movie. Some of the executives said the news left them shaken but not stirred." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the hackers could've made off with as much as negative $14 trillion (Nixon Smell vs Trump Smell)

February 2013

"Next year's Super Bowl is already in the news. It takes place in New Jersey. The NFL says it wants to prevent another blackout. This one involves keeping Chris Christie away from his microwave." –Conan O'Brien

"It was just revealed that the Federal Reserve was hacked on Sunday. It's pretty serious. In fact, they say the hackers could've made off with as much as negative $14 trillion." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Postal Service announced that it will stop delivering mail on Saturdays in an effort to save $2 billion a year. Postal workers were shocked: 'We were supposed to deliver mail on Saturdays?" –Jimmy Fallon

"A member of Congress is criticizing Steven Spielberg after he discovered parts of the movie 'Lincoln' are historically inaccurate — particularly the scene where Lincoln dies in the mouth of a great white shark." –Conan O'Brien

"In the last two months Fox News has fired Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, and Dick Morris, well-known political pundit. Well, great. Two more jobs lost under Obama." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, what’s next? Nunchuck wolves? (It’s just how I’m wired)

“As if we didn’t have enough to worry about, as if things weren’t already insane, the country is now being invaded by something called murder hornets. These are hornets, they’re two inches long, and they kill people and bees. So, looks like we’re never leaving our houses again.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Two murder hornets were spotted in Washington State driving a red Ford F-250 north on Interstate 5. An official from the Washington State Department of Agriculture said the hornets are probably not going to murder someone, so don’t panic. OK, great. When I hear ‘probably not going to murder,’ I panic. It’s just how I’m wired. ” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Right now, 2020 Mother Nature is out of control. A killer virus is one thing, but murder hornets? Sounds like someone is just combining the scariest words. I mean, what’s next? Nunchuck wolves?” —Trevor Noah

“Honestly, these murder hornets just sound like psychos. They cut off the heads of bees and they mash up the thorax into a meatball and fly it back to feed their larvae. I thought only Rudy Giuliani fed his family that way.” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

he tweeted it from the Abraham Lincoln room in the John F. Kennedy Library (It's sad in America...)

“Some of the transcript is a little hard to follow because Zelensky’s English isn’t very good and, well, Trump’s is even worse.” --James Corden

“It actually would have been better for Trump if the whole transcript had just said ‘unintelligible.’” --Seth Meyers

“Following House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s announcement of impeachment proceedings against President Trump, Trump tweeted this morning that there is, ‘no president in the history of our country who has been treated so badly as I have.’ Even more amazing, he tweeted it from the Abraham Lincoln room in the John F. Kennedy Library.” --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The biggest challenge is building missiles that can penetrate a mother’s basement (OK, time for Plan B)

The Pentagon is reportedly considering nuclear retaliation as a response to cyberattacks by hackers. The biggest challenge is building missiles that can penetrate a mother’s basement. --Conan O’Brien

It’s come out that President Trump enjoys eating cheeseburgers in bed, which explains why Melania likes to go to bed disguised as a salad. --Conan O’Brien

Everybody’s talking about President Trump’s physical exam yesterday. Medical experts are saying that considering his eating habits, President Trump is surprisingly healthy. When told this, Melania said, “OK, time for Plan B.” --Conan O’Brien

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

This was legal, but pot smoking isn't? (her firewall had been breached)

"The federal government, you know them, they announced a plan to spend, like, a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan to save their asses with other peoples' money. It was either that, or Sarah Palin's idea to sell it all on eBay." --Bill Maher



"Oh, I kid John McCain. He doesn't understand this stuff too well. They told him her firewall had been breached, and he said, she had another baby?" --Bill Maher



"These financial shenanigans that have been going on…like today I was reading that they're now putting an end to something called short selling, which is when you borrow stock that you don't own, and sell it, hoping that it will go down so that you can buy it back at a profit. This was legal, but pot smoking isn't?" –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535 #Bernie2020

I'll bet the CEOs of the oil companies had a big laugh over that (transparency #2)

"Big story in USA Today today. They said the days of easy money are over. Well, I'll bet the CEOs of the oil companies had a big laugh over that." –Jay Leno



"Well, the Olive Garden and the Red Lobster announced they are going to have to raise prices to keep up with the economy. But things are okay. Today, John McCain said unlimited bread sticks are still fundamentally sound." –Jay Leno



"Computer hackers have broken into Governor Sarah Palin's private email account, and posted information from it on a website. And of course, Senator McCain is furious about this breach in security. But again, you know, he's not that computer literate. Like when he heard about the break-in, he ordered Secret Service agents to guard her computer so this never happens again." –Jay Leno



http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535 #Bernie2020

the hacker was able to figure out her password (bible-hockey-lipstick-gun)

"Somebody hacked into vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin’s email account and posted it all online. Apparently, the hacker was able to figure out her password, which turned out to be bible-hockey-lipstick-gun." –Jimmy Kimmel



"President Bush is doing his best to respond to the crisis. I love that that gets giggles. That's not even a joke. It's just me discussing what's really going on." –Conan O'Brien



"Due to the current crisis on Wall Street, President Bush announced just a few hours ago that he's canceled a trip to Alabama. That's true. Yeah, Bush said, 'Under the circumstances, I didn't think it was right to leave the country.'" –Conan O'Brien



http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535 #Bernie2020