It's true, now hand me another golden sausage (They wouldn't dare interrupt their game of croquet)

"I'm not a political expert, but I think going after the rich is a good idea in an election year, or any other year for that matter. Because let's face it, rich people are bastards. Even rich people would agree with that. They're like, 'It's true, now hand me another golden sausage.'"  –Craig Ferguson

"Jenna Bush was hired as a correspondent for the 'Today' show. People wonder if her dad was a factor in her getting the job. If he was, it looks like she overcame it and got the job anyway." --Craig Ferguson

"At the convention tonight, the surprise speaker was Clint Eastwood. What's more surprising than a grumpy old white guy at the Republican convention?" –Craig Ferguson

"So far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn't mean they won't get mad about it, it just means they don't know about it. Because it takes a while for bad news to reach a rich person. First their accountant has to tell the butler, who has to tell the servant, who wouldn't dare interrupt their game of croquet." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the fundraising version of a glory hole (That's not a good comment on America)

"Fox News's coverage of the Republican convention got beat in their ratings by 'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.' That's not a good comment on America. One is a view of the world as seen through the eyes of a redneck child, and the other is 'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.'" –Bill Maher

"There are these groups now called 'Dark Money groups.' Karl Rove heads one; the evil Koch brothers head another. They have spent more money on TV ads than all the Super PACs combined. They are called dark money groups because they don't have to reveal where the money is coming from -- no identity. It's the fundraising version of a glory hole. Karl Rove is on all fours in the bathroom stall and whatever comes through that hole, he sucks." –Bill Maher

Did you see Trump’s speech last night? There were three fact-checkers that had to be taken into concussion protocol. —Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Today he declared victory in the "War on Jobs." (Hey, he's a guy)

In a new poll 54 percent believed President Bush exaggerated the size of Iraq's missile threat. Hey, he's a guy. –Craig Kilborn

President Bush is trying to put a positive spin on the latest bad economic numbers. Today he declared victory in the "War on Jobs." –Craig Kilborn

The Republican Convention goes on all week, and of course, the highlight will be toward the end of the week. George Bush will show up for one day, you know, just like he did in the National Guard. –David Letterman

Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused. –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's never a good sign when your candidate is in danger of being overshadowed by something that technically doesn't make a shadow (I had this exact same feeling in 1776)

"Hey, yesterday, did you hear this? Computer hackers managed to shut down Twitter and my favorite, Facebook, for several hours. In a related story, yesterday American productivity jumped by 159%." --Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported the Republican convention decided not to show a hologram of Ronald Reagan for fear it would overshadow Mitt Romney. It's never a good sign when your candidate is in danger of being overshadowed by something that technically doesn't make a shadow." –Conan O'Brien

Chris Christie said he will top Donald Trump's Iowa State Fair helicopter entrance by riding in on a pony. As a result, all the ponies in Iowa have gone into hiding. –Conan O’Brien

"Speaking of John McCain, he says that people are so angry and concerned about America's future, that he sees a revolution coming. McCain said, 'I had this exact same feeling in 1776.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Let this radicalize you (because only 13% of his money is in this country)

"Mitt Romney says if he is elected he will create 12 million new jobs in his first year in office – and that's just for people to do his taxes." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney says he's never paid less than 13% in taxes, which I think is fair because only 13% of his money is in this country." –Jay Leno

"Actually, Mitt Romney and Hurricane Isaac have something in common. They can both change directions at any moment." –Jay Leno

"A hurricane is scheduled to hit Tampa during the Republican Convention. These winds are so strong they could actually blow some of Mitt Romney's money back in the United States." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I wouldn't have told that last story. I would've ended on the stripper. (Operation Bore Them to Death)

 

"And Fred Thompson spoke to the Republican Convention last night. You know something? I think he may have said a little too much. You ever get the thing where you get too much information? He was talking very candidly about John McCain, and we like John McCain, he was kinda a wild guy as a young man, was in the Navy and all that. Well here's what he had to say, listen carefully: [Video: Thompson: 'In high school and the Naval Academy, John earned the reputation as a trouble-maker. He was the leader of the trouble-makers. In Pensacola in flight school, he did drive a Corvette and date a girl who worked in a bar as an (hand quotes) exotic dancer under the name of Marie: The Flame of Florida.' Thompson soundalike: 'I remember after a card game in Yuma, he beat a couple of drifters with a tire-iron and left them for dead.'] I wouldn't have told that last story. I would've ended on the stripper." --Jay Leno

 

"And today in Afghanistan, a helicopter carrying three US senators had to make an emergency landing because of bad weather. All three senators are okay. Wasn't that the plot of the last "Rambo" movie? No, in the helicopter were Senators Chuck Hagel, Joe Biden, and John Kerry. See, they are part of our new military offensive against al Qaeda, Operation Bore Them to Death. They give speeches, the people fall asleep, we attack." --Jay Leno

"According to the internet Dick Cheney was having an affair with the woman he was hunting with and that she fired the shot that hit the lawyer and Cheney took the blame to protect her, which sounds possible until you realize that means the woman would have to be having sex with Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In between was a travel day for hookers (sometimes these jokes just write themselves)

September 2012

"The Republican Convention ended on Thursday. The Democratic Convention began last night. In between was a travel day for hookers." –David Letterman

"Last week at the Republican convention, no one mentioned the Tea Party. And listen to this, if it wasn't for Ann Romney, no one at the Republican convention would have mentioned Mitt." –David Letterman

"If Mitt Romney looks familiar it's because for 18 years on All My Children he played Palmer Courtland." –David Letterman

"Bill Clinton will be at the Democratic convention. Say what you will, but Clinton is still polling very well. I tell you, sometimes these jokes just write themselves." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I live in Hollywood. It is like that here every day (except this time the empty chairs will be in the audience)

September 2012

"The Democratic National Convention is under way. For three days in Charlotte, N.C., everything the Democrats do is good. And everything Republicans do is evil. It doesn't bother me. I live in Hollywood. It is like that here every day." –Craig Ferguson

"Former Democratic nominee John Kerry is going to give a speech about foreign policy. It will be like Clint Eastwood's speech except this time the empty chairs will be in the audience." –Craig Ferguson

"I hope they go easy on Clint Eastwood. It wasn't his best performance last week at the Republican convention, but he's given us decades of great films. So Democrats, if you're looking to mock Mitt Romney by dragging an inanimate object out onto the stage, why not just use Mitt Romney?" –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

if you work hard and apply yourself, there is nothing you can't marry (Bring back the chair!)

August 2012

"Clint Eastwood came out at the Republican convention and did ten minutes of wingnut improv. It was kind of a metaphor for the entire Republican party -- a confused old person yelling at something that doesn’t' exist." –Bill Maher

"Didn't you love that part where Clint pretended that he was talking to an invisible Obama? And this Obama was not a nice guy. This Obama was telling Romney to go f**k himself. Isn't that something? Even people who don’t' exist hate Mitt Romney." –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney had to follow that. He's a little stiff. He makes Al Gore look like James Brown at the Apollo. And for five minutes the crowd was chanting, 'Bring back the chair!'" –Bill Maher

"Ann Romney was appealing to women for the women's vote, and she said she was living proof that if you work hard and apply yourself, there is nothing you can't marry." –Bill Maher

"Ann Romney was telling details of their personal life. She said that when she and Mitt were young, 'He was nice to my parents, but really glad when my parents weren't around.' And with his Medicare plan, they won't be." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

in danger of being overshadowed by something that technically doesn't make a shadow (swimsuit competition)

August 2012

"Paul Ryan stretching the truth to make his speech more effective is just another form of doping. In that if you believe him, you are a dope." –Stephen Colbert

"Tonight is the last night, the final night of the Republican convention. Tonight is the swimsuit competition." –Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported the Republican convention decided not to show a hologram of Ronald Reagan for fear it would overshadow Mitt Romney. It's never a good sign when your candidate is in danger of being overshadowed by something that technically doesn't make a shadow." –Conan O'Brien

"A former Navy SEAL has a book out that claims Osama bin Laden was unarmed when he was shot. The book is called 'Who Cares, He's Dead.'" –Conan O'Brien

"At the convention tonight, the surprise speaker was Clint Eastwood. What's more surprising than a grumpy old white guy at the Republican convention?" –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Finally, a senior citizen who scares Paul Ryan (instead of a holdup note)

August 2012

"Clint Eastwood was the mystery guest tonight at the Republican convention. Finally, a senior citizen who scares Paul Ryan." –Jay Leno

"A man in Florida has been arrested for wearing a President Obama mask while robbing a McDonald's. To show you how good this guy's disguise was, instead of a holdup note he was reading from a teleprompter." –Jay Leno

"This Obama robber made some pretty scary threats to the McDonald's employees. He said, 'Give me your money, or else my economic plan will have you working here for the rest of your life.'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's good to see scripted television finally making a comeback (the Romney family dog gave the rebuttal)

August 2012

"Did you all watch the Republican convention last night? It's good to see scripted television finally making a comeback." –Jay Leno

"Ann Romney spoke last night. I thought she was quite eloquent. Analysts say her role was to show that Mitt has a tender side. And then the Romney family dog gave the rebuttal." –Jay Leno

"Hurricane Isaac turned out to be not much of a threat to the Republican convention. But to their credit, the Republicans had a contingency plan. If the hurricane did hit hard, delegates were instructed to evacuate to Mitt Romney's tax shelter." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

These winds are so strong they could actually blow some of Mitt Romney's money back in the United States (Granny Smiths)

August 2012

"A hurricane is scheduled to hit Tampa during the Republican Convention. These winds are so strong they could actually blow some of Mitt Romney's money back in the United States." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan had a campaign event at an apple orchard. There was one awkward moment when they told the Granny Smiths they were considering cutting their Medicare." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Then it got weird when she added, 'Again.' (The haves fighting the really haves)

August 2012

"It’s National Senior Citizen’s Day, which is not to be confused with National Senior Citizen’s Week — the Republican Convention in Florida." –Jimmy Fallon

"A hurricane could threaten next week’s Republican National Convention in Tampa. It could really hurt Republicans — which explains its name, 'Hurricane Todd Akin.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new report by the Tax Policy Center, the gap between the rich and the super rich is growing wider. This could split the Republican Party in two. The haves fighting the really haves." –Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to gold medalist sprinter Usain Bolt. He turned 26 this week. You know the sad thing? His world record time has already been broken by Republicans running away from Missouri Congressman Todd Akin." –Jay Leno

"It was just announced that most of the speakers at this year’s Democratic National Convention will be women. But it’s going to be annoying when they stop speaking, but won’t tell you why." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, first lady Michelle Obama said she doesn’t have time to read 'Fifty Shades of Grey.' Then it got weird when she added, 'Again.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Finally something that connects Romney with the average American voter (swing around pole)

July 2012

"Mitt Romney is now in London to see his horse compete in the dressage event. Dressage is kind of like horse ballet. Finally something that connects Romney with the average American voter." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney said while he is in Europe, he won't be apologizing to anybody. He has nothing to apologize for. A lot of those people overseas now have good jobs because of him. They are very very grateful." –Jay Leno

"The Jim Henson company, which created the Muppets, have cut their ties with Chick-Fil-A because of the company's anti-gay marriage stance. Insiders say the move came after intense pressure from Bert and Ernie." –Jay Leno

"To prepare for the Republican Convention, a strip club in Tampa, Florida has hired a Sarah Palin look-a-like to perform. This stripper is so much like Sarah Palin, she actually has written on her hand, 'take off top, shake breasts, swing around pole." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”