Great. Now aliens are going to think we're poor (near-zero impact)

It was reported that Chinese hackers have infiltrated AT&T and Verizon to spy on American customers, which has got to be the first time anyone's ever said thank God I have Sprint. —Colin Jost

Scientists in Japan have launched the first ever satellite made out of wood. Great. Now aliens are going to think we're poor. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Finally! We would love to be watched (Damage Report)

June 2013

"The new Superman movie opens on Friday. It's a great story: When Superman's dad realizes his son is gifted with X-ray vision and super hearing, he puts him in a rocket and sends him toward earth, because he knows with those powers he can get a job in the Obama administration." –Jay Leno

"A former technical assistant for the CIA named Edward Snowden leaked the story that the federal government was collecting phone records from Verizon customers. Snowden said, 'You're being watched.' To which NBC executives said, 'Finally! We would love to be watched.'" –Jay Leno

"People are asking how this Snowden guy could download all this classified information and give it to a British newspaper without the NSA knowing about it. I think I know the answer. If you don't want the NSA spying on you, get a job working at the NSA. That's how it works." –Jay Leno

"Snowden said today he was going to disclose all this information earlier, but he wanted to wait until after the election. To which Mitt Romney said, 'Hey, thanks a lot. Appreciate it.'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

we actually HAVE a brother watching us (Sometimes it just happens)

June 2013

"A new report shows that the Obama administration has been collecting the telephone records of millions of customers of Verizon under a top-secret court order. Here's the sad part. It turns out that 90 percent of the phone calls Americans make are to order a pizza." –Jay Leno

"When I was growing up, we were afraid of Big Brother watching us. Now with Obama, we actually HAVE a brother watching us." –Jay Leno

"Attorney General Eric Holder said that despite all the controversies, he has no intention of stepping down. Hey Eric, I didn't either. Sometimes it just happens." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Uh, how about you just hang up at the same time? (rough week, huh?)

June 2013

"It's come out that the government has been secretly collecting telephone records of millions of Verizon customers. Yeah, or as Verizon is calling it, 'The friends and family and Obama plan.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"Another scandal hit the White House today. A report found that the government has been secretly collecting the phone records of Verizon customers. I knew something was up when I said, 'You hang up first.' Then my wife said, 'No, YOU hang up first!' Then Obama said, 'Uh, how about you just hang up at the same time?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The National Security Agency has been collecting the phone records of Verizon customers since April. That explains Verizon's new ad campaign: 'They can hear you now.'" Jimmy Fallon

"The government has been secretly gathering data from your mobile phone. It's a huge scandal and it comes on the heels of President Obama's IRS scandal and Benghazi scandal. Even the crackhead mayor of Toronto is saying, 'rough week, huh?'" –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was probably going blind anyway (We own a republican congress)

"Friday the news broke: a stash of pornography was found inside Osama bin Laden’s compound. Even before Navy SEALs shot out his eyes, bin Laden was probably going blind anyway." –Jon Stewart

"President Obama's approval rating, which got a bump after killing bin Laden, has slipped again. Which is really bad news — not for the president, for Moammar Gaddafi." –Jay Leno

"You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

jockeying for the title of 'biggest disaster.' (but that's totally unrelated)

"Rumors are that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are going to film a reality show. Sarah Palin says she can't wait to start shooting, but that's totally unrelated." –Craig Ferguson

"BP stopped the oil leak at 3:25 p.m. Eastern Time. And at 3:26 p.m., Mel Gibson and Lindsay Lohan began jockeying for the title of 'biggest disaster.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today is a day of cautious optimism. The BP well has been capped and Lindsay Lohan is in rehab, but we're not sure how long either one is going to hold." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Men apply the gel to themselves for about two minutes, then say, "You know what, I'm actually good." (We own a republican congressman)

Meanwhile in sexy coffee news, Starbucks says that it will start blocking pornography on its stores Wifi. You know what that means. You have one month to watch as much porn at Starbucks as you can! --Stephen Colbert

You guys, this Sunday is the first night of Hanukkah. Which means we're just two days away from President Trump going on Twitter and wishing everybody happy Chaka Khan. --Jimmy Fallon

Scientists are studying whether a male birth control gel could replace condoms. It works really well, 'cause birth control gel sounds so gross, nobody will ever want to sleep with you. Here is how it works. Men apply the gel to themselves for about two minutes, then say, "You know what, I'm actually good." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Bush's approval rating has fallen into the 20s (something completely different)

"Bush's approval rating has fallen into the 20s -- 29 percent in the latest poll. I tell you. It's hard out there for a chimp. He says doesn't pay attention to the polls. If he wants to know what the American people are thinking, he'll listen to your calls." --Bill Maher

"I got a call last night during dinner from Verizon asking me if I was happy with my long distance surveillance." --Bill Maher

"The National Security Agency have been collecting the phone records of tens of millions of ordinary Americans. I just don't think Bush gets it. When people say these days that we need more intelligence in the White House, they're talking about something completely different." --Bill Maher