We can stop hacking now. It's all over (ohhhh, Buffett…)

According to The New York Times, the Russian effort to influence the 2016 election on social media used tactics to try to suppress Democratic voters from turning out on Election Day though in the end she wrote this joke all by herself. Hillary Clinton on the campaign trail, “But I'm trying to figure out how we get them to have Pokémon Go To The Polls.” After that the Russians said, “We can stop hacking now. It's all over." --Seth Meyers

Warren Buffett yesterday joined Hillary Clinton at a rally and tried to drum up support for a tax increase on people making over $1 million a year. Chris Christie also showed up and reportedly said “ohhhh, Buffett…" –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, they’re like a non-stop national hangnail (Not again. What did I do this time?)

March 2022

“More than 33 million Americans watched Grampotus speak for more than an hour. He announced he will release 60 million barrels of oil from our national reserve, which is good news for Ted Cruz’s hair.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“I’m sorry: ‘God protect our troops — Go get him.’ Get who? Go get God? Go get him who? Does Biden just randomly shout, ‘Go get him’ sometimes? I mean, it would explain why his dog kept attacking people.” — Trevor Noah, on Joe Biden’s yelling “Go get him!” at the end of his State of the Union speech

“Mike Pence was watching from home and was like, ‘Not again. What did I do this time?’” —James Corden

“Who are we supposed to go get? Putin? Pokemon?” —Jimmy Kimmel

“There were a few performative disruptions from GOP congresswomen and known conspiracy theorists Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene. The two women first turned their backs on Biden’s cabinet when they entered the room, and shouted ‘build the wall!’ during Biden’s speech.  Boebert and Greene’s actions might make you angry, but if I’ve learned any one thing from watching Real Housewives, it’s that two white ladies this erratic will eventually turn on one another. All these people want is attention and they’re willing to do anything to get it, including yelling at the president during an address to the nation. And look, I don’t care that much about decorum. I do care about not being annoying, and these two are some of the most annoying people I’ve ever seen on the national stage. I mean, they’re like a non-stop national hangnail.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

National Pokémon Day/Republicans cut our pensions/Show us your ankles!

Today was National Pokémon Day. "Gotta catch 'em all," said Robert Mueller. --Seth Meyers

The first Mardi Gras celebration was held in New Orleans 192 years ago today. And the streets were full of drunk men yelling, "Show us your ankles!" --Seth Meyers

According to a new study, watching television for more than 3 1/2 hours a day can lead to a decline in memory. Meyers as Trump, "Oh my God. Melinda, did you see this?" --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Bush attended a big fundraiser on Park Avenue (No Cash Left Behind)

"President Bush was in town. He attended a big fundraiser on Park Avenue. It's part of his program 'No Cash Left Behind.'" --David Letterman

"Earlier today, President Bush met with the president of Peru. When the Peruvian president invited Bush to visit Machu Picchu, Bush said, 'Great, I love Pokemon.'" --Conan O'Brien

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

you always want to pick the city with the steepest hills (these are from your staff)

People got to use a new technology when the ride-sharing service Uber introduced their self-driving cars to the city of San Francisco. Yeah, because when looking for a place to roll out an experimental driverless car, you always want to pick the city with the steepest hills. –James Corden

Google released their list of the most-searched phrases of 2016. The top-trending search terms were Powerball, Prince, Hurricane Matthew, and Pokémon Go. I think that sums up our priorities as Americans: money, celebrities, the weather, and playing games on our phones. –Jimmy Kimmel

Trump admitted he made the choice on an empty stomach (Godspeed, John Glenn)

For the second year in a row, Johnny Depp has been named Forbes magazine’s Most Overpaid Actor. After hearing this, Nicolas Cage said, “What do I have to do?” –Conan O’Brien

Starbucks has come out with a new Frappuccino that’s named after Pokémon Go. They’re saying it has “the taste of something you lost interest in around September.” –Conan O’Brien

For his secretary of labor, President-elect Trump has picked an executive from the fast food restaurants Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s. Afterwards, Trump admitted he made the choice on an empty stomach. –Conan O’Brien

when someone who lives in Kenya's complaining about your plumbing (on top of another person)

But in the athletes' defense, the accommodations in Rio are so bad, the cleanest place to sleep is on top of another person. –James Corden

According to a new study, millennials are having significantly less sex than previous generations. I know, like, wait, you're telling me that the people running around trying to catch Pokémon aren't getting [any action]? Shocking! I'm shocked. –James Corden

You know, there have been major electrical and plumbing issues in Rio. One athlete from Kenya wrote, "Please fix my toilet" on a bulletin board in the Olympic village. And you know, when someone who lives in Kenya's complaining about your plumbing, I think that's what they refer to as a wake-up call. –Jimmy Kimmel

Hillary, Just say NO to press conferences (so do my daughters Mario and Luigi)

There's actually a new trend now of parents naming their children after characters in Pokémon Go. Personally, I think this is a mistake, and so do my daughters Mario and Luigi. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study finds that Americans have on average become several inches shorter in the past 100 years. But scientists say it's mainly because we're all looking down at our phones. –Jimmy Fallon

Turns out Melania Trump's professional website has been deleted following allegations that she lied about graduating from college. She just deleted the whole thing. As if copying Michelle Obama wasn't enough, now she's copying Hillary Clinton. –Jimmy Fallon

Hey — two syllable words only! (Beetlejuice sequel)

Michael Keaton said in a recent interview that it's very unlikely they'll be doing a Beetlejuice sequel. Then he said, "Unless you ask me two more times." –Jimmy Fallon

After Joe Biden used the word “malarkey” in his speech, it became the most searched word on the internet. Mostly from people who thought "Malarkey" was a new Pokémon. –Conan O’Brien

During President Obama’s speech last night, he referred to Donald Trump as a "home-grown demagogue." In response, Trump supporters said "Hey — two syllable words only!" –Conan O’Brien

The other 10 percent plan to put their hand down the sink and then turn on the disposal

We may be seeing more Trumps in politics. In fact, Donald Trump's son, Donald Jr., told CNN he hasn't ruled out running for mayor of New York next year. When she heard that, Hillary Clinton turned to Chelsea and said, "Clear your schedule." –Jimmy Fallon

According to a poll, 90 percent of Bernie Sanders supporters plan to vote for Hillary Clinton in November. The other 10 percent plan to put their hand down the sink and then turn on the disposal. –Conan O’Brien

Hillary Clinton’s main task this week is to divert attention from leaked DNC emails and other negative press. Hillary’s going to begin her speech with the rousing first line — "Hey, Look, There’s a Pokémon!" –Conan O’Brien

Jeb Bush spent the night home crying (Pence dispenser)

The only thing more confusing than Pokémon Go is the Republican National Convention, which is under way in Cleveland. They say there haven't been this many white people at the Quicken Loans Arena since the night they double-booked Jimmy Buffett and Kenny G. –Jimmy Kimmel

A number of key Republicans are skipping the convention. Jeb Bush, instead of traveling to Cleveland, spent the night home crying. –Jimmy Kimmel

Apparently Trump was unsure about the guy he was choosing for vice president all the way down to the wire. They say he wanted to dump Gov. Mike Pence at midnight the night before the announcement — which would have made him a Pence dispenser. –Jimmy Kimmel

extremely careless but not enough to be charged with a crime (slogan needs work)

I want to thank everyone for taking a break from Pokémon to tune in tonight. It's just everywhere. In fact it's been reported now that Pokémon is getting ready to launch in Russia, and President Vladimir Putin looks like he's already having a good time with it, “Tell me where your friends are Pikachu.” –Jimmy Fallon

Meanwhile, Donald Trump said yesterday that he has not played Pokémon, but wishes he had ther time to try it out. Meanwhile, Jeb Bush is walking around his neighborhood in Bergen stocks going, “I just got to level 20!” –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday members of Congress left Washington for a seven-week vacation. Even the Kardashians are like, “From what?” –Jimmy Fallon

A 94-year-old man from Indiana just became the oldest person to get a six degree black belt in taekwondo. While nobody has the heart to tell him the wooden board he chopped through was just a graham cracker. –Jimmy Fallon

my lack of a life flashed before my eyes (Oh, you will)

We are just a few weeks from the start of the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. The mayor of Rio is trying to get Pokémon Go in the city ahead of the Summer Games. So now you can go to Rio and catch two things. –Jimmy Fallon

The guy is going to be OK, but in California, a man playing Pokémon Go was stabbed. The man said, "It was terrifying, my lack of a life flashed before my eyes." –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump said he wishes he had the time to play Pokémon Go. When she heard that, Hillary Clinton said, "Oh, you will." –Conan O’Brien

cuz he’s the brother nobody wants to talk about (a wife, two kids, and six Squirtles)

It’s being reported that Donald Trump’s list of running mates is now down to just two people! And they are Chris Christie. –Jimmy Fallon

In a recent interview, Jeb Bush compared Donald Trump to the Kardashians, saying, quote, “The Kardashians wouldn’t exist if we didn’t enjoy watching them.” When asked who his favorite Kardashian is, Jeb said, “Rob – 'cuz he’s the brother nobody wants to talk about.” –Jimmy Fallon

A man in Oregon got stabbed while playing Pokémon Go and refused medical treatment in order to keep playing. He leaves a wife, two kids, and six Squirtles. –Conan O’Brien

I guess he used up all his 9-9-9 lives

"The day before yesterday, Herman Cain suspended his campaign. That is a shame. He touched so many people.” –Stephen Colbert



"Herman Cain seemed to sense his supporters needed something to lift their spirits, which is what led to Herman Cain saying the greatest nine words ever spoken by an American politician: 'I believe these words came from the Pokemon movie…'" –Jon Stewart 
 


"Herman Cain announced Saturday he was suspending his campaign. He brought his wife with him, so apparently he couldn't get a date. I guess he used up all his 9-9-9 lives. The closest he got to the White House was spending the night at Ginger White's house." –Jay Leno