He got that wrong (and there's a hint of shame)

Trump's been busy this morning. He published a "USA Today" op-ed about healthcare. A lot of people are saying it had several factual errors. Turns out a pharmacist isn't someone who works on a farm. And shingles isn't a tube of potato chips. That's not -- He got that wrong. --Jimmy Fallon

Get this -- a cheating scandal has rocked the world of wine tasting. That's right. It's rocked the world of wine tasting. A cheating scandal came out that some tasters were given the answers to an exam. The wine tasters say that they are embarrassed, a little humiliated, and there's a hint of shame. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wake me up if you get horny (a huge increase in the number of banks robbing people)

USA Today's GOP “Power Rankings” had some big shake-ups this week, with Marco Rubio in the lead and Chris Christie in the top five. Yep, Rubio is number one, while Christie is numbers two through five. –Jimmy Fallon

"Listen to this: In 2009, the F.B.I. reported a 20 percent decrease in the number of people robbing banks. There was, however, a huge increase in the number of banks robbing people." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, my God, Kanye becomes President? (He got that wrong)

But Trump's been busy this morning. He published a "USA Today" op-ed about healthcare. A lot of people are saying it had several factual errors. Turns out a pharmacist isn't someone who works on a farm. And shingles isn't a tube of potato chips. That's not -- He got that wrong. --Jimmy Fallon

Let's get to some news. Today, guys, President Trump met with Kanye West at the White House. Incredible. If you would've told me 10 years ago that Trump and Kanye would be meeting at the White House, I would've said, "Oh, my God, Kanye becomes President?" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Being leader of the free world is a bit harder than filming a reality show in your apartment (Jeb is America's fourth favorite Bush)

Jeb is America's fourth favorite Bush — after George, the other George, and of course, the baked beans. –Stephen Colbert

At this point, Trump faces 17 investigations. A legal assault unlike anything previously seen by any president. That’s quite a distinction for Trump. [Colbert as Trump], “No other president has had more big, beautiful investigations. And they’re naturals, Okay? I’m telling you, if I had a dollar for everything I’m being investigated for, you’d never know because I won’t show you my tax returns.” --Stephen Colbert

And now we know he knows it’s not going to be that easy, because Trump surrogate and flesh snowman Newt Gingrich recently told USA Today that he talked to Trump about his new responsibilities as president and, according to Gingrich, Trump said, “This is really a bigger job than I thought.” What do you know? Being leader of the free world is a bit harder than filming a reality show in your apartment. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they are embarrassed, a little humiliated, and there's a hint of shame (Great. Smoking it is.)

Get this -- a cheating scandal has rocked the world of wine tasting. That's right. It's rocked the world of wine tasting. A cheating scandal came out that some tasters were given the answers to an exam. The wine tasters say that they are embarrassed, a little humiliated, and there's a hint of shame. --Jimmy Fallon

But Trump's been busy this morning. He published a "USA Today" op-ed about healthcare. A lot of people are saying it had several factual errors. Turns out a pharmacist isn't someone who works on a farm. And shingles isn't a tube of potato chips. That's not -- He got that wrong. --Jimmy Fallon

I saw that Trump actually scheduled a rally in Florida on Halloween. He's giving out tickets by saying it's a live performance of "The Great Pumpkin." --Jimmy Fallon

I heard about a new study that found that not working out is even worse for your health than smoking. When they heard that, Americans were like, "Great. Smoking it is." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The good news is, she's now eligible to be governor of Alaska (Come to me my little angel muffin)

"And under the new guidelines issued by the Obama Administration, Federal agents will not pursue pot-smoking patients in states that allow medical marijuana. This new policy is called 'Don't Ask, Don't -- What Was I Talking About?'" --Jay Leno

"And according to USA Today, car sales are now at a 20-year low. Well, sure, it's hard to steal a car when the owner's living in it." –Jay Leno

"Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer stopped speaking during an interview and stared blankly at the camera for 30 seconds. The good news is, she's now eligible to be governor of Alaska." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What do you take from the man who has nothing? (he likes being around people who challenge him)

"Last night, Jessica Simpson turned down an invitation to meet President Bush at a fundraiser. Yeah, Bush said he invited Simpson because he likes being around people who challenge him." --Conan O'Brien

"A lot of celebrities are now getting involved in the campaign. It bothers me a little bit, but it's just what happens. Well, Barack Obama's campaign just announced that Barbra Streisand will headline an upcoming fundraiser for Obama. Yeah. And after hearing this, John McCain said, 'and he says I'm out of touch with the American people.'" --Conan O'Brien

"While President Bush was spending the holidays at his Texas ranch, he was clearing brush and a branch cut his face. As a result the tree was cut down and tortured by Dick Cheney." --Conan O'Brien

"There is some good news for John McCain. According to the latest polls, which came out today, John McCain has started to open up a lead over Barack Obama. This is true. Yeah. The USA Today poll has McCain ahead by ten points. The 'CBS News' poll has the two tied. And the MSNBC poll says that Obama won the election last week." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You don't know anything, you're just a teenager (four hours trapped in a corn maze)

September 2013

"Joe Biden has people talking that he'll run for president after he was spotted at a fundraiser in Iowa this week. Unfortunately, he missed giving his speech because he spent four hours trapped in a corn maze." –Jimmy Fallon

"This week marks the fifth anniversary of the collapse of Lehman Brothers, which sparked the recession. Think about how bad things were back then. We had unemployment over 7 percent. The debt was out of control. There were wars breaking out all over the globe. Thank God that's all behind us now, huh?" –Jay Leno 

"USA Today had a front-page feature on the new healthcare law. It said that the opposition to Obamacare at an all-time high. It has gotten so bad that the president is now calling it 'Bidencare.'" –Jay Leno

"That's right, 705 people saw a woman in a bikini and thought, 'Muslim Extremist.'" –Stephen Colbert, on the fake outrage over Indian-American Nina Davuluri being crowned Miss America, after it was reported there were 705 tweets that mentioned "Miss America terrorist"

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Republicans love it because it just sits there and does nothing (naked and unable to stand)

July 2013

"The New York Times says Weiner should pull out. The Daily News, the New York Post, they've all said drop out. USA Today wants to know how he put that hole in their pie chart." –Bill Maher

"This guy has sent so many dick pics, yesterday he was at the Apple store and the guy said to him, 'You know you can also make calls on this thing.'" –Bill Maher

"Some jackass vandalized the Lincoln Memorial. Who hates the Lincoln Memorial? Democrats love it because it honors the man who freed the slaves. And Republicans love it because it just sits there and does nothing." –Bill Maher

"Bill O'Reilly said, 'I am dealing with reality. I am like Paul Revere.' Here's how Bill O'Reilly is like Paul Revere: when he rides past you, you see a horse's ass." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: If Anthony Weiner can come up with a totally badass name like 'Carlos Danger' just to masturbate, how come the best Tom Cruise could do was 'Jack Reacher'? The guy in the action movie should be 'Carlos Danger.' The guy touching himself should be Jack Reacher." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Stop asking if the new royal baby is more like William or more like Kate. He's more like Uncle Harry - naked and unable to stand." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We are all being played (Hello shoppers!)

June 2012

"President Obama's campaign is spending $12 million on a one-minute commercial hitting Mitt Romney's business record. Though Obama’s made some bad business moves too — like spending $12 million on a one-minute commercial." –Jimmy Fallon

"Former GOP candidate Rick Santorum said he’s planning to make a big announcement tomorrow. It’ll probably be something really huge like, 'Hello shoppers, we’ve got a 2-for-1 sale on Tide in aisle five!'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"The founder of USA Today recently referred to Donald Trump as a 'clown.' Even clowns were like, 'Are you kidding? That guy’s hair is ridiculous.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because what is prayer if not a time to air petty grievances? (just as Jesus would have done)

“This is a prayer breakfast at which he’s naming people he doesn’t like. Nancy Pelosi was so upset she ripped her pancakes in half.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Before his victory speech, Trump spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast, which was a tough decision, because on the one hand, he doesn’t like to pray, but on the other hand, he loves breakfast. So he went. He used it as an opportunity to lash out at those who oppose him, just as Jesus would have done.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Because what is prayer if not a time to air petty grievances?” —Seth Meyers

“Trump showed off a copy of USA Today, with the headline, ‘Acquitted.’ Trump was like, [as Trump] ‘Now I can do anything I want. I even stole this USA Today from a Holiday Inn.’” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

This is a journalist/This is a corporate shill (get off your lazy a--)

"Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak announced he won't run for another term. The bad news is that this spring he's taking over for Regis." –Conan O’Brien

"There is some good news for John McCain. According to the latest polls, which came out today, John McCain has started to open up a lead over Barack Obama. This is true. Yeah. The USA Today poll has McCain ahead by ten points. The 'CBS News' poll has the two tied. And the MSNBC poll says that Obama won the election last week." --Conan O'Brien

"This is a weird story. President Bush has apologized today for scolding a member of the White House press corps for wearing sunglasses because he found out the reporter is legally blind. Bush also apologized for telling physicist Stephen Hawking 'to get off your lazy a--.'" --Conan O'Brien

"At a joint press conference with President Bush, German Chancellor Angela Merkel called for a 'de-escalation of Mid-East violence.' Later, Bush called for both sides to 'de-angrify' and 'dehurt' each other." -Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Normal Florida wedding proceeds without incident/Man has massive hog/They can’t all be winning ideas

A Fox News headline read “Bikini-clad bride weds groom in overalls, caps off Florida wedding with roll in the mud.” The honest headline should have read “Normal Florida wedding proceeds without incident.” --James Corden

A headline from the Huffington Post read “Distracted driver turns out to have 250-pound pig on lap.” The honest headline should have read “Man has massive hog.” --James Corden

Here’s a headline from USA Today. It reads “Tesla SpaceX CEO Elon Musk releases rap song RIP Harambe.” The honest headline should have read “They can’t all be winning ideas.” --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Bush was also blindsided by the fact that he knew the word blindsided (200 of those pages are just games and puzzles)

"Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, 'memoir' is just a fancy word for a bunch of stuff that happened to me. Bush’s memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles." –Craig Ferguson

"In the middle of the book is an Iraq maze which is pretty much impossible to get out of." –Craig Ferguson

"Hundreds of people in Washington, D.C. reported seeing a UFO today. Aliens, if you’re searching for intelligent life, you’ve got the wrong town." –Craig Ferguson

"Well George W. Bush is on the big book tour this week. During an interview with USA Today, Bush said that he was, 'blindsided by the financial crisis.' Bush said he was also blindsided by the fact that he knew the word blindsided." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Willie's first piece of advice, use chapter one to roll a joint (choo-choo go bye-bye)

"Last night in only his second Oval Office address, President Obama announced the end of Operation Iraqi Freedom. He said we have given the Iraqis a Western-style government. Well, we certainly have, haven't we? Their economy is in shambles, their Congress is corrupt, the country is broke, welcome aboard!" –Jay Leno

"At the White House yesterday, President Obama told Israelis and Palestinians to reach a peace deal because they might not get another chance soon. That's not really a peace plan. That's how you get a 5-year-old to use the bathroom." –Jimmy Fallon

USA Today reports that Willie Nelson has written an advice book. Willie's first piece of advice, use chapter one to roll a joint. --Conan O’Brien

The Bush administration announced the other day that it doesn't want the federal government to run Amtrak anymore. As it was explained to President Bush, choo-choo go bye-bye. --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Willie's first piece of advice, use chapter one to roll a joint (choo-choo go bye-bye)

President Bush was spotted carrying around a book and he told reporters he started reading the book four months ago. Apparently he still hasn't found Waldo. --Conan O’Brien 5/13/2005

The Bush administration announced the other day that it doesn't want the federal government to run Amtrak anymore. As it was explained to President Bush, choo-choo go bye-bye. --Conan O’Brien 5/8/2003

USA Today reports that Willie Nelson has written an advice book. Willie's first piece of advice, use chapter one to roll a joint. --Conan O’Brien 7/20/2005

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the sperm is not only slower but when they reach the egg they just hang out and play video games (What do you think we value more?)

A new medical study I think this was just released very recently found that frequent marijuana use slows down sperm. Scientists say the sperm is not only slower but when they reach the egg they just hang out and play video games. --Conan O’Brien 3/19/2004

The presidential campaign is in full swing. Yesterday in California John Kerry made a speech announcing a plan to control gas prices. After hearing this President Bush said, “That's crazy! Only Dick Cheney can control gas prices.” --Conan O’Brien 3/30/2004

According to USA Today in the last few years the number of senior citizens using the Internet has increased by 47%. Which explains why the Internet's most popular nude photo is now Angela Lansbury. --Conan O’Brien 3/30/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Legal experts say this may finally explain why justice is blind (I just assumed my dress would get ruined)

Hundreds of people waited outside of Barnes and Noble in the pouring rain for a chance to meet Bill Clinton. When asked if she minded the rain one woman said, “I'm meeting Bill Clinton I just assumed my dress would get ruined.” --Conan O’Brien 6/22/2004

According to USA Today many colleges and universities are all around the country are trying to be more gay-friendly. In a related story Oral Roberts University is now Anal Roberts University. --Conan O’Brien 6/23/2004

This is a strange story but it's true. This week a judge in Oklahoma was charged with masturbating under his robe while a court case was going on. Legal experts say this may finally explain why justice is blind. --Conan O’Brien 6/25/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Ohio is a beautiful country, too. I love the language. I hope to learn it someday (The Power of the People)

But Trump's been busy this morning. He published a "USA Today" op-ed about healthcare. A lot of people are saying it had several factual errors. Turns out a pharmacist isn't someone who works on a farm. And shingles isn't a tube of potato chips. That's not -- He got that wrong. --Jimmy Fallon

And last night, I saw Trump spoke at a big rally in Iowa, and he said that he's kept his promises to states like Iowa and Nebraska, but I'm not sure he knows that they're states. Listen to this. Today, I kept another major promise, as I said, to the people of Iowa and Nebraska and other countries. Ohio is a beautiful country, too. I love the language. I hope to learn it someday. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

And you know, typical ex-wives, they always make the guy look like the bad one (good terrorist gossip)

"Yesterday in Louisiana, a judge denied an interracial couple a marriage license because he felt, I quote, their children would later suffer in life from being interracial. Like when they become president or win the Masters or get an Oscar."  --Jay Leno

"A new survey found that the average man cries about six times a year. That number would be a lot lower if it weren’t for Glenn Beck." --Jimmy Fallon

"And according to USA Today, car sales are now at a 20-year low. Well, sure, it's hard to steal a car when the owner's living in it." –Jay Leno

"Well here's some good terrorist gossip. Osama bin Laden's first wife has written a book about him. And you know, typical ex-wives, they always make the guy look like the bad one." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”