That’s why they’re changing their logo from the donkey to Eeyore (save your panic for climate change)

November 2021

“Republicans won elections in several key states on Tuesday, including Virginia, where Glenn Youngkin won the race for governor. So, it was a disappointing night for Democrats, but Democrats are used to being disappointed. That’s why they’re changing their logo from the donkey to Eeyore.” —Stephen Colbert

“Some of you may be upset by the results, but don’t panic — save your panic for climate change.” —Stephen Colbert

“But the bigger loss was in Virginia, or as it’s known by its full name ‘East West Virginia.’ Because Virginia has been becoming more and more Democratic for years now. They voted for the first Black president and the first blackface governor.” —Trevor Noah

“Republicans figured out that they could use a twin strategy of keeping Trump’s MAGA base motivated by using the right-wing propaganda network to feed the red meat on the one hand, while also running a candidate who looks like the dentist who gives you the gas for a cleaning.” —Seth Meyers

“And what is especially shocking about this result is that Joe Biden won Virginia by 10 points just a year ago. That is a huge swing, people. That’s like a Kim Kardashian going from Kanye to Pete Davidson-level swing.” —Trevor Noah

“Yep, Republicans haven’t been this excited since they realized that you can print fake vaccine cards off of Google Images.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the best way to prevent the two things parents fear the most (Sorry, but with all the wars we just can't afford you)

October 2021

“Last night, an F.D.A. panel gave the green light to the Pfizer vaccine for kids between the ages of 5 and 11. That’s right. That’s right, kids’ vaccines are the best way to prevent the two things parents fear the most: Covid and home-schooling.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Now kids can forget about Covid and worrying about that and go too spreading every other disease known to man.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Here’s how the vaccine will work: Older kids can get Pfizer, younger kids can get Moderna, and the middle child can get Johnson & Johnson.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Hey, kids, guess who gets to go to the doctor twice in the space of three weeks? And, don’t worry, he will stab you!” —Stephen Colbert

“In a few weeks, you’re going to see bouncers outside Chuck E. Cheese checking vaccine cards.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

More concerning the F word he keeps using is forget (Do a flip!)

October 2021

Pfizer reported on Friday that their Covid vaccine for children is 90% effective. Meanwhile Johnson & Johnson reported that their vaccine for children is just Capri Sun. —Colin Jost

At a CNN town hall President Biden said that he had not had time to visit the Southern border, though his approval rating has. —Colin Jost

Insiders are also saying during meetings President Biden uses the F word in conversation. More concerning the F word he keeps using is forget. —Colin Jost

A video was posted of a recent Smash Mouth concert in which the lead singer is seen slurring his words, doing a Nazi salute and threatening to kill an audience member. And it gets worse. He then started singing. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s all good. Taste the rainbow (full body orgasms)

October 2021

This week former White House, I wanna say, garbage man Steve Bannon was held in contempt of congress. But this is what Bannon wants. It plays into his whole persecuted messiah complex. So Bannon is similar to Jesus in that he looks like he’s been dead for three days. —Colin Jost

The FDA authorized the mixing and matching of booster shots and vaccines. As we enter the just winging it phase of the pandemic. Seriously, when it comes to medication, when has your doctor ever said just mix and match. It’s all good. Taste the rainbow. —Colin Jost

In the latest episode of Gwyneth Paltrow’s new Netflix show “Sex, Love and Goop,” a sexologist explained how people can experience full body orgasms, while clothed, without touching. Which also happens when your mom watches Bridgerton. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who are the Karens going to call when they feel scared? (some cops don’t even know how to turn on a body camera)

October 2021

“There has been resistance from some city employees, especially firefighters and police officers, to vaccine mandates. New York City’s mandate, for example, includes over 160,000 workers without an option for frequent testing. But two weeks out from the November 1st deadline, the vaccination rate for the NYPD is 71%, and roughly 60% for the fire department. Maybe they just don’t know how to get vaccinated – I mean, I know it seems easy, but some cops don’t even know how to turn on a body camera.” —Trevor Noah

“But this is still a little concerning. Because any police who don’t get vaccinated can’t go to work, and if there’s a shortage of police, well that could cause some big problems. I mean, protesters can’t kick the shit out of themselves. Plus, who are the Karens going to call when they feel scared?” —Trevor Noah

“I’ve gotta say, out of all the occupations who resist getting vaccinated, cops and firefighters are the last people who I’d expect to see this from. These are the same people who sign up to swarm hostage situations or run into burning buildings. But when it comes to the vaccine, suddenly they’re like, ‘I don’t know, seems like a health risk.’ But there is literally nothing more dangerous to police officers right now than Covid-19. The virus is the current leading cause of death for law enforcement, having killed five times more police than guns since the start of the pandemic. So it turns out that if you do believe that blue lives matter, one of the best ways to show your support is by getting the vaccine.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

we’ll get there eventually, hang in (just like Mama used to make)

October 2021

“Moderna has come under fire for both refusing to share its Covid vaccine technology as well as denying vaccines to poor countries in desperate need. The Covid vaccine is Moderna’s only product — it’s the only thing the company sells. Imagine only making one thing and billions of people want it. This must be how the Baha Men felt after recording ‘Who Let the Dogs Out,’ you know?” —Jimmy Kimmel

“So on Saturday, The Times reported that Moderna ‘has been supplying its shots almost exclusively to wealthy nations, keeping the poorer countries waiting and earning billions of dollars in profit.’ I’m sure that’s just a coincidence, right? [Imitating Moderna spokesperson] ‘Guys! We’re doing it alphabetically: America, Australia, Britain, Canada, Denmark — it’s not our fault the rich countries come first. Zambia, Zimbabwe, we’ll get there eventually, hang in.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“It is a shame that companies think about profit in a time like this when people are dying. But I get it — if they don't make money doing it this time, they might not bother to work on a vaccine next time.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Look, man, I get it — Moderna is a business and they want to make money themselves, but at least come up with a better excuse, you know, like the vaccine formula is an old family recipe.” —Trevor Noah

“Apparently, it’s been passed down from generation to generation — just like Mama used to make.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

based on this photo, it either really hurt, or felt really good (They Kingdom Comes)

October 2021

The infrastructure bill has been delayed indefinitely. So I guess we’ll cross that bridge when it collapses on top of us. —Colin Jost

Joe Biden also got his Covid booster shot at the White House live on camera and based on this photo, it either really hurt, or felt really good. —Colin Jost

Pfizer has also submitted data to the FDA to approve its Covid vaccine for kids under 11, which means they could be vaccinated by Halloween. Because what goes better with Halloween than needles. —Colin Jost

Some Catholics around the country are claiming religious exemption to the Covid vaccine. Because there’s nothing more Catholic than letting someone else die for your sins. —Colin Jost

Purdue University researchers have created the whitest paint on record. The paint is so white I’m its favorite part of SNL. —Colin Jost

A Colorado woman who posts on OnlyFans says that praying before sex with her husband allows her to experience a threesome with God. A threesome that doesn’t end until They Kingdom Comes. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It would have made a great episode of The X Files (I’ll just crash near a hospital)

September 2021

“Last year the Canadians came in and won it all, Schitt’s Creek’s swept all of the 2020 comedy awards, this year it was the English. It was a Brits-krieg this year, as half of the Emmys went non – dare I even say un-Americans. Even Ted Lasso had to move to London to win an Emmy this year.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Even more telling, he added, was a dopey American interviewer in London who asked Gillian Anderson, who won the Emmy for best supporting actress in a drama for playing Margaret Thatcher on The Crown, if she talked to the former prime minister about the role. Anderson answered, politely, that she had not. The reason that she hasn’t is because Margaret Thatcher died in 2013. But it would have made a great episode of The X Files if she had spoken to her somehow.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“In other news, farm stores have not started to restrict sales of the livestock dewormer ivermectin, used by some hardcore anti-vaxxers as a Covid treatment despite debunking from health experts, to confirmed horse owners. For those who cannot get their hands on the horse-y sauce, the anti-vaxx crowd has been turning to monoclonal antibody treatment, an IV-hookup used to reduce symptoms of Covid. Pretty incredible people who don’t trust vaccines do trust being pumped full of lab-created antibodies. This is like sky-diving and instead of using the parachute you’re given, you’re like ‘yeah, I’ll just crash near a hospital.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

we’ll just keep Clorox-wiping our Legos, OK? (a fun-sized Pfizer)

September 2021

“Big news today, as Pfizer announced that a low dose of its vaccine is safe and effective for kids ages 5 to 11. It’s great news until you hear a 6-year-old say, ‘I want to do my own research first.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, 4-year-olds are like, ‘Yeah, don’t mind us; we’ll just keep Clorox-wiping our Legos, OK?’” —Jimmy Fallon

“According to a Pfizer board member, a vaccine for children could be available by the end of October. Well, I know what I’ll be handing out for Halloween — a fun-sized Pfizer.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Of course, a lot of kids will get the vaccine while a small minority will insist on taking pony dewormer, because they’re children.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

uncovering the mystery of Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s balls (I’m gonna try putting in more quarters)

September 2021

“[Imitating SpaceX passenger] Houston, we have a problem, but I have no idea what the problem is, since I own a chain of laundromats. I have already cleaned the lint trap. I’m gonna try putting in more quarters.” —Stephen Colbert

“But you have to love humans — we just launched four civilians into orbit on a recreational spaceflight. We’re still more interested in uncovering the mystery of Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s balls.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Nicki Minaj ignited a firestorm online when she tweeted on Monday that she wasn’t vaccinated because her cousin’s friend in Trinidad developed swollen testicles from a Covid vaccine. I know a lot has been said about this tweet, but here’s my question: more than 5.81 million doses have been administered worldwide – if it gives you big balls, how come this is the first we’re hearing about it? No one is shy about their big balls – it literally means you’re not shy! If the vaccine gave you huge balls, CVS would be jammed with college kids getting their eighth and ninth booster shots.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is anyone here someone’s cousin’s friend? (Will You Free My Palestine)

September 2021

“The Nicki Minaj tweet ignited a firestorm online, in which she claimed she wasn’t vaccinated because her cousin’s friend in Trinidad developed swollen testicles from a Covid vaccine. Of course, your cousin’s friend is a much more trusted source than all of the world’s doctors. That’s why in an emergency you always hear a man yelling, ‘Is anyone here someone’s cousin’s friend?’” —Stephen Colbert

“Outrage over Minaj’s claims and vaccine skepticism prompted Trinidad and Tobago’s minister of health to respond in a press conference: ‘There is absolutely no reported such side-effect of … testicular swelling in Trinidad, nor that we know of anywhere else in the world.’ Wait a second, sir, are you calling Nicki Minaj a liar? Because to do that takes some … wait a second.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The war is meant to be continuous (What have you been doing to your balls?)

September 2021

“After she announced that she has not received the coronavirus vaccine, rapper Nicki Minaj tweeted yesterday that a friend of her cousin received the shot and became impotent after, quote, ‘his testicles became swollen.’ Which is pretty shocking, because when I got the shot, it was in my arm.” —Seth Meyers

“I can’t believe I have to say this, but doctors agree that Covid vaccines do not cause swollen testicles. But to be fair to Dr. Minaj, everyone knows there’s no source more reliable than your extended family’s acquaintances in another country.” —Stephen Colbert

“Her report comes straight from ‘The New England Journal of my cousin’s friend in Trinidad.’ Just check out this week’s study, ‘I heard his girlfriend got pregnant from a hot tub.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Can we talk a moment about this poor guy. Think about it: He’s minding his own business with his swollen testicles in Trinidad and because his best friend happens to be cousins with Nicki Minaj — now the whole world knows that he’s impotent, he got dumped and he’s got giant testicles. He must be so mad at his friend.” —Trevor Noah

“I mean that poor guy — single, swollen and everyone is asking them if he can hook them up with Nicki Minaj tickets.” —Trevor Noah

“And for this friend, hate to say it, if your testicles swell up, the question isn’t ‘Did you get a vaccine recently?’ it’s ‘What have you been doing to your balls?’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“By the way, if anyone can track down this friend of Nicki’s cousin, I would really like to talk to him — I have questions.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We report. You just died (they keep it in the top drawer of a bedside table)

July 2021

“Today millions of people all over the world looked up at Bezos’ space ship and said, ‘Wow, that thing sure looks like a penis.’” —Anthony Anderson

“They designed the Bezos rocket ship at the Johnson Space Center.” —Tariq Trotter

“They don’t keep it in a hangar, they keep it in the top drawer of a bedside table.” —Tariq Trotter

“I’m not sure what they used to fuel the rocket, but based on the design, I’m gonna say 2D batteries.” —Seth Meyers

“There have been a lot of stories lately about the anti-vax propaganda on Fox News, after one former executive told the New York Times that the network has ‘contributed substantially and directly’ to the ‘unnecessary deaths of many Americans by fueling hesitation and doubt’ about the safety of vaccines. Well, it’s no surprise. It’s right there in Fox News’s slogan: ‘We report. You just died.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Rudy’s other plan was for Trump to legally change his name to Joe Biden (cheating the system)

July 2021

“GOP figures have continued to discourage people from getting the vaccine. Marjorie Taylor Greene, for example, tweeted that ‘thousands of people are reporting very serious life changing vaccine side effects from taking covid vaccines’. Yes, serious life-changing side effects, like staying alive.” —Stephen Colbert

“Reportedly, on election night, a drunk Rudy Giuliani asked, ‘What’s happening in Michigan?’ and they said it was too early to tell. ‘Just say we won,’ Giuliani told them, saying the same thing in Pennsylvania: ‘Just say we won Pennsylvania!’ God, Rudy must have been an annoying kid. You’re playing tag, you get him on the shoulder, but instead of just admitting it, he says ‘Nuh uh!’ at a press conference next to a dildo store.” —Stephen Colbert

“Yeah, and if that didn’t work, Rudy’s other plan was for Trump to legally change his name to Joe Biden.”  —Jimmy Fallon

“I saw that tomorrow, Olivia Rodrigo is going to the White House. She’s going to team up with President Biden and Dr. Fauci to make videos about getting vaccinated. When his staff suggested bringing in popular musical artists, Biden was like, ‘Great idea. How about Glenn Miller or the Andrews Sisters?’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump thinks he’s about to get reinstated in the White House when he can’t even keep a blog going (Coincidence?)

June 2021

“As for Donald Trump reportedly thinking he will be reinstated to the presidency later this summer, if it weren’t so dangerous, it would be sad. He’s puttering around his golf course telling people he’s going to go back to the White House like a guy who thinks his ex is going to take him back even though she’s already living with another dude. It’s insane for many reasons, not the least of which is that Trump thinks he’s about to get reinstated in the White House when he can’t even keep a blog going.” —Seth Meyers

“Joe Biden’s oft-stated goal is to have 70% of adult Americans partially vaccinated by the Fourth of July – a target that is increasingly appearing just out of reach. I feel like Joe Biden booked a party house for July 4 and just realized it isn’t refundable. Nearly 300 million vaccine doses have been administered across the US, but rates of vaccination have fallen sharply since April, stranding the US vaccination rate at close to 63%. Ooh, this is going to be close, and honestly, I’m a little worried about how Joe Biden’s going to handle this. Because if this comes down to the wire, he’s gonna get desperate. Dude’s going to be loading up the fireworks with Moderna needles. What’s clear is that vaccinations have plummeted, which is especially crazy when you consider that unvaccinated people are being given every incentive to get their shot. State initiatives to encourage vaccinations range from raffles for a million dollars and cars to free beer and a lap around a speedway track. West Virginia’s governor, Jim Justice, even raffled off firearms to those who got the vaccine. Is it just me, or are the incentives getting more and more dangerous? ‘We’ll give you free alcohol, we’ll let you speed around a racetrack, hell, we’ll even throw in some guns!’ Like at some point, these incentives are going to start killing more people than the vaccine is saving.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He hopes Goldman Sachs changes their speaking fees from $225K to $400K (you don’t get to sign the card)

June 2021

“Earlier in the week, Los Angeles county officials revised their predicted timeline for the milestone from July to late August due to falling vaccination rates. Instead of vaccine I think we should start calling it arm botox.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The most frustrating thing is that a lot of these unvaccinated people aren’t just avoiding getting the shot; they’re not getting masks. They’re like, ‘Pandemic’s over!’ Not for you it isn’t! Listen, you didn’t chip in for the gift, you don’t get to sign the card.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Thankfully, most people are not Rand Paul (regional theater wigs)

May 2021

“Senator Rand Paul had ‘Randsplained’ his decision not to be vaccinated, citing his ‘natural immunity’ after contracting Covid-19. Senator Paul has been a bit of a skeptic of how bad Covid really is, which is probably why he got Covid. Paul also said health officials needed to ‘prove that the vaccine is better than being infected’ and producing antibodies. No, they don’t. They don’t have to prove that seatbelts are better than accidents, or that wearing a parachute is better than hitting the earth at terminal velocity, or that having hot spikes driven into your ears is better than listening to Rand Paul — it’s self-evident. Thankfully, most people are not Rand Paul.” — Stephen Colbert

“He’s just gonna keep gelling his hair with Purell. He believes that protects him.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The good news is everyone in Rand Paul’s life stays at least six feet away from him anyway.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Look, if you’re comfortable getting by with what your body produces on its own, then you should take off that regional theater wig of yours.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

New England Journal of ‘Now Will You Wear a Mask, Uncle Gary?’ (He sounds the way hotdog water smells)

May 2021

“If the promise of unmasking wasn’t enough to convince people to get vaccinated, there’s new research showing that Covid may increase the chance of erectile dysfunction. The study was released in the prestigious New England Journal of ‘Now Will You Wear a Mask, Uncle Gary?’” —Stephen Colbert

“In February, Ted Cruz promised a crowd, in the style of a revivalist preacher: ‘Let me tell you this right now, Donald J. Trump ain’t going anywhere.’ First of all, there’s nothing more grating than Ted Cruz trying to fire up a crowd. He might actually have negative charisma. He sounds the way hotdog water smells.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

if you win, they’ll just find you using the microchip in your bloodstream (It’s a bit of a fixer-upper)

May 2021

“To encourage people to get vaccinated, some governors are getting creative, like Ohio Governor Mike DeWine. DeWine took to the Twitters  yesterday to announce a drawing for adults who have received at least their first dose of the vaccine. The winner will receive one million dollars. Wow, do you know what you could buy with $1 million in Ohio? Toledo. It’s a bit of a fixer-upper.” —Stephen Colbert

“Sounds great, but you know somebody’s going to get vaccinated like 40 times to try to increase their odds.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“You know some idiot is out there, like, ‘Yeah, but after taxes it comes out to only $800,000, so it’s not really worth it.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“And I know some people will say, ‘But isn’t helping to save humanity enough of an incentive to get vaccinated?’ To which I say, ‘Hell, no!’ Have you seen humanity? It’s full of jerks who will only get vaccinated if there’s money in it for them.” —Trevor Noah

“And, by the way, the best part about this lottery is that you don’t have to worry about holding on to a ticket. Yeah, you see, if you win, they’ll just find you using the microchip in your bloodstream.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”