You lose! You get nothing! Good day, sir! (and . . . they just went out of business)

"One of the most Googled questions during this week's State of the Union address was, 'How much does the president make?' When he saw it was $400,000 a year, Mitt Romney said, 'I'm out!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Hooters is opening a new chain of restaurants called Hoots, where they’re ditching their revealing outfits. They’re going to have male servers and . . . they just went out of business. –Jimmy Fallon

"The Israeli army is planning to give its soldiers special new socks that can be worn for two weeks straight without smelling. In other words, they created the socks my college roommate thought he had." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Nowadays a big deal for us is we combined the croissant and the doughnut to get a cronut (Out of my way, Buzz!)

July 2014

"President Kennedy said let's put a man on the moon, and by God, 10 years later we put a man on the moon. Yesterday was the 45th anniversary. Nowadays a big deal for us is we combined the croissant and the doughnut to get a cronut." –David Letterman 

"When we landed on the moon everybody remembers what they were doing, and everybody remembers what Neil Armstrong said just before he left the capsule and stepped onto the surface of the moon. He said: 'Out of my way, Buzz!' Whack!" David Letterman 

"In a recent interview, President Obama said Joe Biden 'would be a superb president.' In a related story, Hillary Clinton punched a hole in a door." –Seth Meyers

"According to a new poll, two-thirds of people in Colorado think it should be illegal to smoke marijuana in public, while the other one-third are still laughing at the word 'poll.'" –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So for now, we just address him as 'Boy George.' (You'll never have to work a day in your life)

July 2013

"Taylor Swift canceled a radio contest to meet her biggest fan when it turned out her biggest fan was a man nearly twice her age. Nothing's working out for Anthony Weiner these days." –Conan O'Brien

"The royal baby finally has a name. It took a few days but they named him Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge. The parents said they wanted a name that reflects his country's great history and gets him beaten up at school every day." –Conan O'Brien

"Queen Elizabeth met the royal baby yesterday. The baby cried, so Queen Elizabeth explained, 'You'll never have to work a day in your life.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as 'Boy George.'" –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it's not the fire in the belly; it's the air in the head (the last solo male anchor)

"The Obama campaign is selling t-shirts with his long-form birth certificate and 'Made in the U.S.A.' Arnold Schwarzenegger is selling t-shirts that say 'Maid in the bedroom, made in the kitchen …'" –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin was asked if she has the fire in the belly to run for President, and she said yes. But it's not the fire in the belly; it's the air in the head." –Jay Leno

"Katie Couric was the first solo female anchor. You know who the last solo male anchor was? Osama bin Laden." –Jay Leno

"It's been reported that Arnold Schwarzenegger was paying the maid 1200 dollars a week. It gets uglier. He bought the woman a house in Bakersfield, and he was having sex with the lady who cleans that house too." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I agree. It was fantastic (O.K., now I’m ready for gun control)

“Trump’s call to Ukraine’s president is especially crazy because before Zelensky was sworn into office in May, he was actually an actor who literally starred in a sitcom about a random dude becoming president of Ukraine. So it was basically a conversation with someone who started his political career by pretending to be president and another guy who started his political career by pretending to be successful.” --Samantha Bee

“Trump gave a news conference and he called his phone call with Ukraine’s president ‘perfect.’ He said it was perfect. Then Nancy Pelosi said, ‘I agree. It was fantastic.’” --Conan O’Brien

“A lot of people are calling the transcript a smoking gun, which explains why today Trump said, ‘O.K., now I’m ready for gun control.’” --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Hey lady, I don't deal with oil companies. That's more Satan's area (97% of Earth's scientists)

"A new survey finds that although his approval ratings are low, President Obama is still ahead of the most prominent Republicans. Have you seen his tax plan? He is the most prominent Republican." –Jay Leno

"The House has voted to repeal the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. Nancy Pelosi said, 'Now's the time to act,' meaning before Democrats lose their majority in a couple of weeks. Which raises the question: Why didn't they act the last four years when they had the majority?" –Jay Leno

"She said at her church, Governor Palin, said she asked everyone to pray for a natural gas pipeline, which she said was God’s will. And today, God said, "Hey lady, I don't deal with oil companies. That's more Satan's area.'" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Yahoo just bought a brand new ceiling fan (weed dealers)

"President Obama met with students in the Oval Office who have started their own businesses. Or, as those students are known on campus, 'weed dealers.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Google is investing in an offshore wind farm project that could provide electricity to 1.9 million homes on the East Coast. And not to be outdone, Yahoo just bought a brand new ceiling fan." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Entries On Barack Obama's Enemies List"

10. Smug know-it-all at Apple Genius Bar

9. 'General Hospital's' Patrick for cheating on Robin with Lisa

8. Secretary who answers the phone, 'Yell-o?'

7. 'Late Show' audio technician Tom Herrmann

6. Those Chilean miners . . . You're trapped, we get it

5. Online store that still hasn't delivered his Captain Kirk chair

4. Anyone who doesn't think 'Glee' makes your spirit soar

3. Drugstores that don't carry Topol, the smoker's tooth polish

2. Late night talk show hosts who deliver lame top ten lists at his expense

1. Bastard who lost his birth certificate

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the largest gathering of people who believe that vaccines are witchcraft (I will never have to take Viagra again)

President Trump spoke at the CPAC Convention today. For those of you who don’t know what CPAC is, it’s the largest gathering of people who believe that vaccines are witchcraft. --Jimmy Kimmel

It came out that Trump ranks his favorite Fox News reporters on how much they are loyal to him. Sean Hannity gets a 10. He gets an 11 if he’s wearing heels. But Trump’s top ranking host is Fox and Friends host Steve Doocy, who gets a 12. When Doocy heard this he said, “I will never have to take Viagra again.” --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Capital One: What’s in your wallet? (a signed affidavit attesting that I love you)

Michael Cohen testified that not only did Trump reimburse him for the Stormy Daniels payoff while in office, he brought a copy of the check. Take a look: From Donald Trump to Michael Cohen, totaling $35,000, from Capital One Bank. Which makes sense, because their slogan is “Capital One: What’s in your wallet?” “Oh, damning evidence of campaign fraud? Yikes!” --Stephen Colbert

Michael Cohen also confessed to lying to the First Lady about the affair at Trump’s request. That’s the sign of a healthy relationship. Colbert as Trump, “Babe, I never cheated on you. Now, I’d prefer if any further questions about my affection and loyalty go to my lawyer, who has prepared a signed affidavit attesting that I love you.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

So they’ve narrowed the problem to things he’s done (Trust Revoked)

Today brought President Trump a new reason to freak out, when House Judiciary chairman Jerry Nadler announced a sweeping investigation into President Trump’s campaign, businesses, transition and administration. So they’ve narrowed the problem to things he’s done. --Stephen Colbert

And the House democrats aren’t messing around. They’ve sent document requests to 81 people and entities, including the Trump campaign, the Trump Foundation, the Trump Organization, the Trump Transition, and something called the Donald J. Trump Revocable Trust. Well, I think it’s safe to say, Trust Revoked. --Stephen Colbert

Trump’s bad week really got into gear with the House Oversight Committee’s hearing for former Trump lawyer and kid being told by his parents that the divorce IS his fault, Michael Cohen. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

All right, at least give me a hint (Born in the USA)

"President Obama has written a children's book. Why not? He's got nothing else on his plate." –David Letterman

"A new poll found that 41 percent of Americans don't know who the Vice President is. In response, Joe Biden was like, "All right, at least give me a hint." –Jimmy Fallon

"In an interview on MSNBC, Levi Johnston said he has no idea if additional troops will help the war in Afghanistan. Which of course begs the question, who the hell is asking Levi Johnston about strategy for Afghanistan." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama has listed the songs on his iPod. The Tea Partiers are checking to see if 'Born in the USA' is on the list." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Of course, my favorite, plan double-D (Let’s see you touch your toes/Get the plunger)

But Trump's got a lot going on. In the Oval Office today, he was asked if he had a backup plan if Venezuela's president doesn't step down. A reporter asked Trump, “If President Maduro stays in power, do you have a plan "B"?” Donald Trump, “I always have plan "B" and "C" and "D" and "E" and "F." Fallon as Trump, “We got Plan G. Preparation H. Of course, my favorite, plan double-D." --Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, a man in Kentucky caught a 20-pound goldfish. The hard part will be flushing it down the toilet when it dies. Get the plunger. --Jimmy Fallon

At the White House a reporter asked Trump, “If President Maduro stays in power, do you have a plan "B"?” Donald Trump, “I always have plan B and C and D and E and F. I have great flexibility. I probably have more flexibility than any man that’s ever been in this office.” Oh, really? Let’s see you touch your toes. --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the most difficult part was finding time to film the commercial between real orgasms (Where you in a coma from 2001 until 2009?)

It's been reported that Christina Aguilera has been paid close to 1 million dollars to film a commercial where she fakes an orgasm. Aguilera said the most difficult part was finding time to film the commercial between real orgasms. --Conan O’Brien 4/29/2004

It's been reported that a woman who was once Playboy magazines Miss November has come out of the closet and revealed she's a lesbian. Apparently it was pretty obvious since her list of turn ons included Miss October. --Conan O’Brien 1/22/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The Pope thought the actor was very believable as Jesus (Green Eggs, Hold the Ham)

Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ after what two weeks is still number one at the box office. Yesterday at the Vatican Pope John Paul II actually met with the actor who plays Jesus in the Passion of the Christ. The Pope thought the actor was very believable as Jesus because afterwards he said tell your dad I said hi. --Conan O’Brien 3/16/2004

A group of Catholic Boston Red Sox fans have asked the city's bishop to allow them to eat meat on Good Friday because they want to eat hotdogs on opening day. The bishop turned the group down because he says Good Friday is about suffering and so is being a Red Sox fan. --Conan O’Brien 3/16/2004

For the first time ever a copy of Dr. Seuss's book The Cat in the Hat came out in Yiddish. They're also coming out with another Yiddish Dr. Seuss book book called Green Eggs, Hold the Ham. --Conan O’Brien 3/16/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

He's going to stop making insensitive racial slurs and start focusing on beating the Redskins (one of them is Billy Joel)

Yesterday Dallas head coach Bill Parcells apologized for making an insensitive remark about Japanese people. In his apology Parcells said I'm going to stop making insensitive racial slurs and start focusing on beating the Redskins. --Conan O’Brien 6/8/2004

Despite record gas prices more than 36 million people are expected to hit the roads over Memorial Day weekend. 36 million people. The scary part is one of them is Billy Joel. --Conan O’Brien 5/28/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Al Qaeda calls that 'a wardrobe malfunction.' (MSNBC sent cheese fries)

"Rush Limbaugh is OK after being released from a Hawaiian hospital after a heart scare. Fox News sent flowers; MSNBC sent cheese fries." –Jay Leno

"Actually, no one knows what caused Rush Limbaugh's chest pains. But if you're Rush Limbaugh, it could have been a number of things. I mean, the economy's getting better, the health care bill is going to pass; the Republicans are having trouble raising money. It could be any one of those things." –Jay Leno

"He tried to detonate the bomb in his underwear. Fortunately, it didn't go off and his underpants just caught fire. Al Qaeda calls that 'a wardrobe malfunction.'" –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

Tell Me, Were You In a Coma From 2001-2009 (eventually he had to start talking)

Meanwhile, South Korea, who really has the most to lose in all of this, was reportedly caught totally off guard. No one gave them a heads up. They had to call an emergency meeting and they released a statement. They wrote, “We are trying to figure out what President Trump's intention is and what its exact meaning is.” Well, welcome to the club. Because we are too. That's every day. --Jimmy Kimmel

Now, on the off chance the president doesn't win the Nobel Prize for peace, part of the blame has to go to Mike Pence. Because Pence did some ad-libbing on Fox News the other night. Poor Mike Pence. His whole entire job was to help Trump get elected just by being a calm-looking white man who quoted the Bible and quietly disapproved of gays. And for a long time that's all he did, but eventually he had to start talking. --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”