unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true (But don’t tell him! It’s a surprise!)

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said this week that marriage counseling is the biggest mistake he's ever made. Though unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true. --Seth Meyers

Discovery Channel is promoting its upcoming Shark Week by promising to have Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps race a great white shark. But don’t tell him! It’s a surprise! –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s like Shark Week, except American infrastructure might actually kill you (Snackchip and Toejam)

 

"The huge political news over the weekend was that Barack Obama won the South Carolina primary. You got to give it up for the guy. He won despite persistent rumors that I helped spread that he had fathered a black child, and named that child Reagan. Full name: Reagan I Love Reagan Obama." --Stephen Colbert

The White House announced today that they’re kicking off “Infrastructure Week.” It’s like Shark Week, except American infrastructure might actually kill you. –Stephen Colbert

"All in all, this was a great first day for the convention, but, of course, the media did their best to try to ruin it by callously revealing a private matter in the Palin family, namely that Governor Sarah Palin's eldest daughter is named Bristol. Have you no shame, media? That's nobody's business. That is a private pain, meant to be kept between Bristol, and Track, and Willow, and Piper, and Trig, and let's say Snackchip and Toejam." --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s like Shark Week, except American infrastructure might actually kill you (Four score and seven ratselttab)

Of course, the internet lost their covfefe over this. Why did the president type that? It was the new “What color is the dress?” But instead of “white versus blue,” it was “sleepy versus stroke.” –Stephen Colbert

I know this happened five days ago, but I will not be denied the chance to enjoy Trump’s tweet from just after midnight last Wednesday: “Despite the constant negative press covfefe.” OK. Strong statement. Bold. Presidential. Reminds of the first draft of the Gettysburg address: “Four score and seven ratselttab.” –Stephen Colbert

"Something happened last night, I was down in Washington, D.C., love it down there, can't get enough of that city. Anyway, I was out with my buddy, Rep. Patrick Kennedy of Rhode Island, and we were driving home, and I suggested we play a game of I Spy a Concrete Barricade. Patrick is a fierce competitor and, well, he won." --Stephen Colbert

The White House announced today that they’re kicking off “Infrastructure Week.” It’s like Shark Week, except American infrastructure might actually kill you. –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it's an exciting time to be in the commemorative plate business (best Shark Week ever)

"By the way – I should point out that - on the same night Obama was ordering the Navy to kill Osama Bin Laden, his potential opponent in 2012, Donald Trump was busy firing Playmate of the Month Hope Dworaczyk." –Jimmy Kimmel

"And so, Osama Bin Laden got his first bath in almost ten years. This could the best Shark Week ever." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Between the death of bin Laden and the royal wedding, it's an exciting time to be in the commemorative plate business." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Tell Me, were you in a coma from 2001 until 2009? (Oh, Truuuump!)

Everyone's in a celebratory mood. I'm not surprised. Happy holidays! It's Shark Week! Merry Shark-mas! Or, for my Jewish shark viewers: Mazel-teeth! --Stephen Colbert

And why is this Shark Week different from all other Shark Weeks? Because this is the first Shark Week since we learned that, in an attempt to seduce Stormy Daniels, Trump invited her to watch two and a half hours of Shark Week. Or as the kids call it, Netflix and krill. --Stephen Colbert

Speaking of Stormy Daniels, it's time for tonight's edition of "Stormy Watch: Karen McDougal Edition!" McDougal is the former Playboy Playmate who allegedly had a year-long affair with Donald Trump, beginning just three months after the birth of his and Melania's son, roughly the same time as he slept with Stormy Daniels. That's dangerous! You don’t want to risk that! Can you imagine he's having sex and calls out the wrong mistress' name? I'm joking, of course. Just kidding, he screams out his own name. "Oh, Truuuump!" --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

in a battle between bear and shark, home field advantage would be huge, right? (And 30 years later, here we are)

This is maybe the most important week of the year in the United States. It's Shark Week. Did you know that? I went to church to kick things off because it's important to remember what Shark Week's really about. Shark Week started in 1988, back when sharks were still carrying beepers. And 30 years later, here we are. --Jimmy Kimmel

I don't know how the Discovery Channel keeps coming up with new shark shows. These are real shows: They have “Shaq Does Shark Week.” They've got “Guy Fieri's Feeding Frenzy,” “Cash Cab: Shark Week Edition,” “Naked and Afraid of Sharks,” and “Bear Versus Shark” — which, if you think about that one, in a battle between bear and shark, home field advantage would be huge, right? --Jimmy Kimmel

They get big ratings every year for this. Meanwhile, do you know how many people are killed by sharks every year? I looked this up today. Five. There are five shark fatalities per year in the world. We are deathly afraid of an animal that kills fewer people than Tide pods. --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

But a little reality never stopped Trump from getting his tweet on (the messy Stormy Daniels situation)

So the question is, will Donald Trump pardon Michael Cohen? Maybe, maybe not. Because sources say, "Trump has been fuming about Cohen in private, blaming him for the messy Stormy Daniels situation." [Trump impression] “Why did Michael make me have sex with that woman? And why did he allow me to be alone with her during ‘Shark Week’? He knows it gets my juices flowing. I'm in a feeding frenzy." --Stephen Colbert

This Cohen news really took the bounce out of Trump's North Korea victory lap. This morning, Trump made a bold claim, tweeting, "Just landed — a long trip, but everybody can now feel much safer than the day I took office. There is no longer a nuclear threat from North Korea." OK, granted, I have never felt less safe than the day you took office, but — and it's a big but — you didn't get anything in writing from Kim, and experts say, "The nuclear threat from North Korea is far from over." But a little reality never stopped Trump from getting his tweet on. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

And just for old time’s sake, he denied it (Reagan's jellybean jar)

Discovery Channel’s Shark Week made a huge deal about a race between Michael Phelps and a great white shark and they were talking it up all week. Well, people on Twitter were very disappointed that they used CGI and Phelps wasn’t actually racing alongside a great white shark. What do people expect? You can’t get a shark to have a race on command. It’s a shark. –James Corden

Well, it’s the end of an era. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer resigned from his post on Friday. And just for old time’s sake, he denied it. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535 #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

“Hey, that’s our slogan!” said United Airlines (the longest day of the year)

Following two special election losses for the Democratic Party yesterday, one Democratic congressman said, quote, “Our brand is worse than Trump.” “Hey, that’s our slogan!” said United Airlines. –Seth Meyers

Today was the longest day of the year ... says Sean Spicer every day. –Seth Meyers

Discovery Channel is promoting its upcoming Shark Week by promising to have Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps race a great white shark. But don’t tell him! It’s a surprise! –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535

five-star Yelp reviews that were 47 paragraphs long (infrastructure)

Two Papa John’s employees in Washington State were arrested this week for allegedly delivering cocaine in pizza boxes. Authorities became suspicious when Papa John’s started getting five-star Yelp reviews that were 47 paragraphs long. –Seth Meyers

The White House announced today that they’re kicking off “Infrastructure Week.” It’s like Shark Week, except American infrastructure might actually kill you. –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats