He'll be covering everything from quinceaneras to prom night jitters (Krispy Kreme cyber security)

It was announced that Matt Gaetz will host a new talk show on One American News Network called The Matt Gaetz Show. He'll be covering everything from quinceaneras to prom night jitters. —Michael Che         

Krispy Kreme revealed that its online ordering system was briefly hacked. Apparently, Krispy Kreme cyber security had a few holes. —Michael Che    

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

She lost most of it betting on cockfights, but still — that's a lot! (frosted Cheerios)

I read that Queen Elizabeth has made nearly $9 million in

winnings from her race horses over the past 30 years. She lost

most of it betting on cockfights, but still — that's a lot!

–Jimmy Fallon

It was announced that Shaquille O’Neal is now the owner of a Krispy Kreme Doughnuts franchise in downtown Atlanta. They serve all kinds of doughnuts, or as Shaq calls them, “frosted Cheerios.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Just pretend you're laying off a bunch of people (Panic Carefully)

Carly Fiorina said that after the previous debate, people told her that she needed to smile more. They were like, "Just pretend you're laying off a bunch of people." –Jimmy Fallon

In his closing comments, Rand Paul said that he is running to create a government so small that you can barely see it. Paul said it would be modeled after his presidential campaign. –Jimmy Fallon

Tomorrow, Krispy Kreme will give you a free doughnut if you walk in wearing a costume. Which means we now have a new definition for the term "walk of shame." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Crazy Eyes said it was an honor to meet Crazy Smile (frosted Cheerios)

Hillary Clinton made a surprise stop at a campaign event in North Carolina this week where the actress who plays Crazy Eyes on “Orange Is the New Black” was volunteering. Crazy Eyes said it was an honor to meet Crazy Smile. –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has canceled a train tunnel between New York and New Jersey. As a result, New Yorkers will have to get to New Jersey the same as they always have — by accident." –Jimmy Fallon

It was announced that Shaquille O’Neal is now the owner of a Krispy Kreme Doughnuts franchise in downtown Atlanta. They serve all kinds of doughnuts, or as Shaq calls them, “frosted Cheerios.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Same-day delivery is gonna be a lot harder when you have to smuggle that air fryer in your b@tthole (stay in your dusky holes)

December 2022

“Let’s talk about wage theft by large corporations, or when companies avoid paying workers what they are legally owed for time spent working. Several companies have been legally forced to pay stolen wages via class-action lawsuits: McDonald’s agreed to pay $26 million to settle accusations of wage theft in a class-action lawsuit by employees in California. Walmart was ordered to pay $4.6 million in backpay and damages to more than 4,500 employees. Amazon settled a wage theft lawsuit for $8.2 million, and Krispy Kreme was ordered to pay $1.1 million after investigators found widespread and frequent failure to pay workers. Huh, that’s so strange – all of this theft occurred, but there’s no mention of anyone going to jail. But then how will they learn their lesson? Oh and before you say, ‘Trevor, you can’t put a corporation in jail’ – says who? They always say corporations are people, so why doesn’t America treat them like American people?” —Trevor Noah

“Every single time a company gets busted stealing their workers’ wages, you know what they should do? They should say that the company’s headquarters need to be taken to prison. You hear that, Amazon? Same-day delivery is gonna be a lot harder when you have to smuggle that air fryer in your butthole.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

America in two headlines (Krispy Kremes new honey-glazed IV drip)

Krispy Kreme doughnuts have introduced a new beverage that they're calling a drinkable version of their donuts. And for those who think even drinking a donut is too much look for Krispy Kremes new honey-glazed IV drip. --Conan O’Brien 7/21/2004

A new medical study was just released very recently that found that frequent marijuana use slows down sperm. Scientists say the sperm is not only slower but when they reach the egg they just hang out and play video games. --Conan O’Brien 3/19/2004

Earlier today Vice President Dick Cheney delivered a speech at the Republican Jewish coalition. There's a Republican Jewish coalition? Not surprisingly the group is made up entirely of Cheney's cardiologists. --Conan O’Brien 9/2/2004

Pope Francis is calling for an audit of all the Catholic Church’s wealth. In a related story, Pope Francis is missing. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Anyway, that’s why you always wipe down the equipment (Now you know why)

April 2022

A Brazilian man was forced to go emergency surgery after he got a four pound dumbbell stuck in his anus. He then shoved it back up there and said, “Two.” Anyway, that’s why you always wipe down the equipment. —Colin Jost

Google Earth has released a new feature that allows people to see a time-lapse of how their neighborhoods have changed over the last forty years. “Don’t remind me,” said my grandpa. —Colin Jost

Krispy Kreme is running a promotion offering a dozen doughnuts for $4.11 cents, which is the average price for a gallon of gas. But that’s counter productive because now your car is going to have to work even harder to drag your fat ass around. —Colin Jost

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And I think, no touching, would just be a great new rule in general (this is a pretty fun week)

February 2021

Well if you hate Ted Cruz, this is a pretty fun week. —Colin Jost

Ted Cruz looks like someone whose face is being slowly reclaimed by nature. —Colin Jost

Many conservatives in Texas are falsely blaming the states power outages on renewable energy sources. While other conservative think the power outages are more likely the result of gay marriage. —Colin Jost

Krispy Kreme is marking the landing of the rover on Mars by offering a limited edition doughnut modeled after Mars. It’s different from their usual donut which is modeled after Uranus. —Colin Jost

Catholic leaders issued new pandemic guidelines for Ash Wednesday discouraging priests from wiping ashes directly off people’s foreheads. And I think, no touching, would just be a great new rule in general. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

he showed up at the trial looking like a priest walking into a porno theater (The Killer Behind You)

In a new book, John Bolton claims that last August, President Trump told him directly that he was holding up aid to Ukraine until they investigate the Bidens. Hey guys, what’s up with the books? When there’s an emergency, just tell us right away. If you’re friends about to get murdered, you don’t go off and write a novel called, “The Killer Behind You.” —Colin Jost

Harvey Weinstein showed up to a court appearance with a walker. And then like Willy Wonka, he dropped the walker, did a somersault and ejaculated into a plant. —Colin Jost

Krispy Kreme doughnuts is opening a flagship store in Times Square. Every time I walk through Times Square, I step in something that can best be described as Krispy Kreme. —Colin Jost

Trump’s other attorney was Clinton impeachment prosecutor Ken Starr, who lamented that presidential impeachment has become a weapon to be welded against on’e political opponent. Which is a quote so hypocritical, even a guy like Ken Starr has to be ashamed to make it. Maybe that’s why he showed up at the trial looking like a priest walking into a porno theater. —Colin Jost

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Krispy Kremes new honey-glazed IV drip (Me Love You Long Time)

Krispy Kreme doughnuts have introduced a new beverage that they're calling a drinkable version of their donuts. And for those who think even drinking a donut is too much look for Krispy Kremes new honey-glazed IV drip. --Conan O’Brien 7/21/2004

The Coors Brewing Company announced plans to merge with the Molson company. However this morning when Coors woke up and took a good look at Molson and suddenly Molson didn't look so hot. --Conan O’Brien 7/22/2004

It was reported today that when Bill Clinton's book was translated in China the Chinese government added passages where Clinton praises Mao Zedong. In fact in the Chinese version of Clinton's book it isn't called My Life, it's called Me Love You Long Time. --Conan O’Brien 7/22/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Which means we now have a new definition for the term "walk of shame." (his two favorite things)

Tomorrow, Krispy Kreme will give you a free doughnut if you walk in wearing a costume. Which means we now have a new definition for the term "walk of shame." --Jimmy Fallon

A woman in Ohio painted a 315-pound pumpkin to look like Kanye West. Kanye loved it 'cause it combined his two favorite things, himself and President Trump. --Jimmy Fallon

Speaking of the president, the midterms are next week. And in the next six days, Trump is holding 11 rallies. You can tell he's getting nervous 'cause he's making last-minute stops in key areas like Florida, Ohio, and Moscow. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

Happily Married Woman (Holiday Diabetes Season)

Krispy Kreme locations are giving out free donuts this Halloween when you come in wearing a costume. Yeah, it’s the perfect way to kick off the "Holiday Diabetes Season." –Conan O’Brien

There was a big Halloween Party at the White House yesterday. Some of the Halloween costumes at the White House were a little over the top. For example, Melania Trump went as "Happily Married Woman." –Conan O’Brien

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Hillary practicing her “surprised” face (or as Shaq calls them...)

Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 69 years old today — while Donald Trump said, “The media is reporting that today is Hillary’s birthday, but a lot of people are telling me that it’s actually MY birthday. Rigged!” –Jimmy Fallon

Hillary’s press secretary posted a photo on Twitter of the staff surprising Hillary with a cake for her birthday. It was really fun — you could hardly tell that Hillary had spent two hours practicing her “surprised” face. –Jimmy Fallon

Hillary went to a fundraiser here in New York City that was attended by Stevie Wonder. And even Stevie was like, “Let me guess — loud pantsuit?” –Jimmy Fallon

It was announced that Shaquille O’Neal is now the owner of a Krispy Kreme Doughnuts franchise in downtown Atlanta. They serve all kinds of doughnuts, or as Shaq calls them, “frosted Cheerios.” –Jimmy Fallon

His man cave was literally a cave

In an interview with a Swedish newspaper, an Iraqi woman revealed that she was married to a man for months before discovering that he was the leader of ISIS. Now, as much as that's bad news for her, it's good for us men, right? Because my wife thought it was bad that I sometimes sneak eating Krispy Kremes. It turns out it could be so much worse. –James Corden

An Iraqi woman revealed that she was married to a man for months before discovering that he was the leader of ISIS. This woman should have been tipped off when during the vows at their wedding the groom said, "Until death to America do us part." She said she thought it was strange that her husband would disappear for weeks at a time. But it makes sense. His man cave was literally a cave. –James Corden

I'm pretty sure Colin Powell went without makeup a lot

"In the last year, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s approval rating has gone up 12 points. That's impressive. Usually, the only time he picks up a dozen is when he goes to Krispy Kreme." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama came out with approval of same-sex marriage. He said that over the years, he has been going through an evolution on the issue. That makes opponents on the far right doubly angry. They don't believe in gay marriage OR evolution." –Jimmy Kimmel  

"Hillary Clinton is making headlines now for nonpolitical reasons. She attended a number of public events without makeup on. Is that a big deal? I'm pretty sure Colin Powell went without makeup a lot." –Jimmy Kimmel 

John Hulse painting