I think we know where Venezuela’s cocaine has been going (the president is not a liar)

Even for President Trump, it was a busy night on social media: He made 160 posts (and reposts) on his Truth Social platform, according to news reports. The man who’s allegedly running the country banged out an onslaught of posts and reposts in a furious social media blitzkrieg that started at 7:09 p.m., went on nonstop until almost midnight. Do you know how long you have to be on the toilet to post that much? I mean, what is he eating? — Jimmy Kimmel

“One hundred and sixty posts in one night. This morning, Trump’s thumbs were as swollen as his ankles.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Well, I think we know where Venezuela’s cocaine has been going.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the baby on the Pampers box (picking up a fresh load of spices from the new world)

Martha Stewart has replaced Sydney Sweeney in the new American Eagle denim campaign. And in related news, Joe Biden has replaced the baby on the Pampers box. —Greg Gutfeld

The country's largest warship, the USS Gerald R. Ford, is now sailing into the Caribbean due to escalating tensions between Trump and Venezuela. Meanwhile, the USS Biden is picking up a fresh load of spices from the new world. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What do you think he's gonna do, turn ISIS into THEY-SIS? (nannies from Old Mexico)

Andrew Cuomo spent the last day before the election campaigning around the city in a white Ford Bronco, which is what O.J. Simpson used to get away from police. But at least O.J. was ahead in the race for a while. —Michael Che

Conservative critics have been calling Zohran Mamdani a "far-left radical," as well as a “jihadist." But he can't be far-left and a jihadist. I mean, what do you think he's gonna do, turn ISIS into THEY-SIS? —Michael Che

New Mexico has become the first state in the country to offer its residents free child care, which will be provided by nannies from Old Mexico. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They get the wage and give us the minimum (one of those horns they blow at the World Cup)

"But to be fair to President Bush, at the time we invaded Iraq, he thought Venezuela was a planet. Of course, today, he corrected himself. He now realizes Venezuela is those horns they blow at the World Cup." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney announced that he's going to the Olympics in London next month. No word yet on whether he will be rooting for Switzerland, Bermuda, Luxemburg or the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno

"Just one week after coming back to work, Congress took the day off today to watch this BCS football game tonight. Remember Congress promised us a five-day work week. It didn't even last a week. That's why they want to raise the minimum wage. They get the wage and give us the minimum." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

National Beer Day (I'll drink to that)

So yesterday is National Beer Day, which means today is how do I get Lizzo out of my bed day. —Greg Gutfeld

The Supreme Court has cleared the way for Venezuelan deportations to resume. Now how will The Squad get laid? —Greg Gutfeld

Meanwhile JD Vance hosted his mom at the White House to celebrate her 10 years of sobriety. "I'll drink to that," said Kamala Harris. —Greg Gutfeld

Donald Trump met with the world champion Los Angeles Dodgers at the White House where Trump used the opportunity to deport Shohei Ohtani. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey we're playing MS-13 tonight! (Nancy Pelosi is seeking the death penalty)

President Trump signed an order today to dismantle the Department of Education. One angry ex employee claims it was the worst thing to happen since the Nazis won the Civil War. —Greg Gutfeld

You can definitely tell spring is here. In Central Park this afternoon I saw a rat catching a Frisbee. On my way into work this morning I saw my Uber driver applying sunblock to his middle finger and earlier today in Times Square I saw a Venezuelan gang member carrying a softball mitt. Yeah, hey we're playing MS-13 tonight! —Greg Gutfeld 

Hilaria Baldwin defended lashing out at her husband Alec during an awkward red carpet interview. She claimed he was man-terrupting which sure beats manslaughtering. —Greg Gutfeld

US border officials in Indiana have confiscated nearly $10,000 worth of fake Botox products. Nancy Pelosi is seeking the death penalty. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

or what Nancy Pelosi’s plastic surgeon calls the Number Six (quiet quitting)

A majority of Democrats say their congressmen should oppose Trump no matter what. Even if it keeps them from getting the things they claim they want. I think that's called cutting off your nose despite your face, or what Nancy Pelosi’s plastic surgeon calls the Number Six. —Greg Gutfeld

CBS News is now complaining that those Venezuelan gang members were deported under the alien enemies act, even though it's quote ‘a centuries old law’. What's wrong with centuries old asked Nancy Pelosi. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The warden said it was an “open-and-can’t-quite-get-it-shut case.” (You May Be Cool)

 

There was a crazy story out of Venezuela. A 25-year-old woman was arrested after attempting to break her boyfriend out of prison by smuggling him in a suitcase. The warden said it was an “open-and-can’t-quite-get-it-shut case.” –James Corden

Isn’t the Super Bowl already patriotic enough? The game is between the Eagles and the Patriots. The only way it could be more American is if they forced the Redskins out of their stadium and played it there. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Do you have the slightest idea how little that narrows it down? (it was an open-and-can’t-quite-get-it-shut case)

There was a crazy story out of Venezuela. A 25-year-old woman was arrested after attempting to break her boyfriend out of prison by smuggling him in a suitcase. The warden said it was an “open-and-can’t-quite-get-it-shut case.” –James Corden

A new article revealed that members of the U.S. Air Force in Wyoming took LSD and had acid trips while they were assigned to guard nuclear missiles. Is it me or does it feel like Donald Trump definitely picked the wrong day to brag about America's nuclear capabilities? --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How long before he starts bragging about this? (they are not my enemy)

The former president’s New York City trial, where he faces multiple charges, which is coming to an end as the jury deliberates. Trump is hoping for a hung jury. Of course he was also hoping for a hung Mike Pence but that didn’t happen. —Jimmy Kimmel 

“You do have to hand it to him, no president has ever been convicted more than Donald Trump. How long before he starts bragging about this?” —Jimmy Kimmel

After the verdict, Trump spoke to press about how the trial was “rigged” by a “conflicted” judge and promised his supporters that they would still be fighting to win the election in November. And if he doesn’t win, he’ll say he won anyway. The only thing he’s gonna be fighting to win is the Jell-o cup on his prison tray. —Jimmy Kimmel

The only Trump relative in court for the verdict was “stupid Eric” who then went on to tweet that 30 May would go down as the day that his father won the 2024 election. I think it will go down as the day that a jury spanked your dad even harder than Stormy did. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Here’s a good rule for your life (Literally no difference whatsoever)

Amid all his legal troubles – Trump’s Save America Pac spent $230,000 a day on legal bills in February – the former president attempted to drum up popular support this week with a visit to a Chick-fil-A in Atlanta, where he bought 30 milkshakes and bantered with employees by asking if they were getting rich. It’s like he’s never talked to normal human beings in his life.

There was fawning coverage of the stunt on Fox News, where one host argued: “This idea that Democrats try to sell that Trump is an awful human being, that he’s Adolf Hitler – I don’t know if Hitler was regularly buying journalists milkshakes or walking in Chick-fil-A or Dairy Queen like this.”

I’m sorry, you don’t know that he didn’t? I know – he didn’t. They say crazy sh*t all the time on Fox News but they’re not willing to go out on a limb to say for certain that Hitler didn’t buy milkshakes for journalists? What are you even talking about Hitler for?! No one else brought him up. Here’s a good rule for your life: you never want to be the first person in a conversation to bring up Hitler. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hope they got rid of the scary thing under my bed (retirement alcohol)

"President Bush's childhood home was turned into a museum. After hearing about it, President Bush said, 'I hope they got rid of the scary thing under my bed.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The president of Venezuela said maybe we need to move the U.N. out of the United States. Afterwards, a confused President Bush said, 'But then it would just be the ited States'." --Conan O'Brien

"To be fair, we are getting Americans out. Earlier today, 1,000 Americans were evacuated from Lebanon aboard a cruise ship called the 'Orient Queen.' The evacuation should go twice as fast once the 'Orient Queen' is joined by its sister ship, the 'Asian Flamer.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid (closer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

"British Petroleum is going to try something new. They're going to try what they call a 'top kill.' That's where they shove a fluid that looks a lot like mud down into the well. I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid." –Bill Maher

"Good news in the oil situation. BP said they found a way to start breaking up their oil slick. The bad news is it involves a toxic chemical called Corexit 9527A. Apparently this is moving us further from a solution and closer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Suddenly those drug cartels don't seem so greedy anymore, do they? (We could have invaded closer to home and saved gas)

"Now that marijuana is legal in the state of Colorado, in Denver they're talking about taxing it up to 35 percent. Suddenly those drug cartels don't seem so greedy anymore, do they?" –Jay Leno

"But to be fair to President Bush, at the time we invaded Iraq, he thought Venezuela was a planet. Of course, today, he corrected himself. He now realizes Venezuela is those horns they blow at the World Cup." –Jay Leno

"BBC is reporting that Venezuela may have massive oil reserves, more than even Saudi Arabia. You know what that means? We could have invaded closer to home and saved gas." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The master's tools will never dismantle the master's house (Of course, my favorite, plan double-D/This factory is terrible)

Over the weekend, a man in Kentucky caught a 20-pound goldfish. The hard part will be flushing it down the toilet when it dies. Get the plunger. --Jimmy Fallon

But President Trump's got a lot going on. In the Oval Office today, he was asked if he had a backup plan if Venezuela's president doesn't step down. A reporter asked Trump, “If President Maduro stays in power, do you have a plan "B"?” Donald Trump, “I always have plan "B" and "C" and "D" and "E" and "F." Fallon as Trump, “We got Plan G. Preparation H. Of course, my favorite, plan double-D." --Jimmy Fallon

"Chinese President Xi Jinping is planning to make his first official state visit to the U.S. Although I'm worried it'll be a little awkward when he visits a school and says, 'This factory is terrible.'" –Jimmy Fallon

And tomorrow, Auntie Anne's is offering a special on heart-shaped pretzels. That's a great deal for all you hopeless romantics taking your dates to LaGuardia. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The warden said it was an “open-and-can’t-quite-get-it-shut case.” (Man, I wish I could eat here?)

Isn’t the Super Bowl already patriotic enough? The game is between the Eagles and the Patriots. The only way it could be more American is if they forced the Redskins out of their stadium and played it there. --James Corden

There is a new restaurant in Spain that just opened where everybody dines in the restaurant completely naked. And you thought it was awkward going to dinner with your parents before. Everyone in there is fully nude. Because who amongst us hasn’t been in a crowded locker room and thought, “Man, I wish I could eat here?” –James Corden

There was a crazy story out of Venezuela. A 25-year-old woman was arrested after attempting to break her boyfriend out of prison by smuggling him in a suitcase. The warden said it was an “open-and-can’t-quite-get-it-shut case.” –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Plus, so awkward to ask for. (Don't mind if I do.)

September 2022

“We had been anticipating the next January 6th hearing on Wednesday, but the House select committee postponed it as Hurricane Ian barreled towards Florida. We hope everybody in Florida stays safe. Please, if you can, get out of the storm’s path. Worst-case scenario, tell Ron DeSantis you’re Venezuelan, maybe he gives you a free plane ride to Martha’s Vineyard.” —Stephen Colbert

“In international news, Putin’s war in Ukraine has been going so badly that the Russian leader ordered a draft, prompting many Russians to flee. Those who haven’t been able to leave have called hotlines to ask how to surrender. I get why they want to pre-emptively surrender, look at this video of a group of Russian soldiers instructed to bring tampons to the frontlines to stuff into bullet wounds. Tampons to plug gunshot wounds? That is awful. Plus, so awkward to ask for.” —Stephen Colbert

“And Buckingham Palace released King Charles III’s official monogram design. Take that, people who say the monarchy is an outdated institution that does nothing! They. Release. Monograms.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m gonna say Florida should be spending that money on something more useful, like snorkels or waterproof meth (Go On)

September 2022

“Florida’s governor Ron DeSantis sent two planes full of Venezuelan asylum seekers to Martha’s Vineyard, in Massachusetts. ‘Hey, Ron, if you’re trying to discourage illegal immigration, maybe don’t send people to one of the loveliest places in New England just in time for leaf-peeping season.’ Of course, DeSantis wasn’t sending these folks to the Vineyard to have a good time. He was human trafficking these families as a political stunt.

The stunt was intended to trigger Martha’s Vineyard residents: ‘The minute even a small fraction of what those border towns deal with every day is brought to their front door, they all of a sudden go beserk,’ DeSantis said. But the town’s state representative, Dylan Fernandes, tweeted that local residents came together to provide food, shelter, healthcare and a play area for migrant children.

Yes, DeSantis owned those libs by making them look compassionate. Just like that cuck Jesus. Send that guy a truckload of lepers, see how he likes it. Of course, DeSantis’s hate stunt don’t come cheap, as Florida’s most recent budget includes $12m to relocate migrants. Maybe with global warming and all, I’m gonna say Florida should be spending that money on something more useful, like snorkels or waterproof meth.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently, someone told them that marijuana users are really into 'buying papers.' (I'm surprised he wrote anything by hand)

July 2014

"The FBI has captured a man accused of sending over 500 letters filled with white powder to President Obama. The FBI said he was a disillusioned middle-aged man who felt beaten down and powerless at work, and the guy who sent the letters was kind of a mess, too." –Seth Meyers

"The New York Times came out in favor of marijuana legalization. Apparently, someone told them that marijuana users are really into 'buying papers.'" –Seth Meyers

"Supporters of former Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez have released a new font in the style of his handwriting. Although I'm surprised he wrote anything by hand since he was so used to dictating." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, the other side offers their guys, what, 72 virgins? We get a 3-year-old sandwich (drug cartels don't seem so greedy anymore, do they?)

"But to be fair to President Bush, at the time we invaded Iraq,

he thought Venezuela was a planet. Of course, today, he corrected

himself. He now realizes Venezuela is those horns they blow at

the World Cup." –Jay Leno

"BBC is reporting that Venezuela may have massive oil reserves, more than even Saudi Arabia. You know what that means? We could have invaded closer to home and saved gas." –Jay Leno

"Now that marijuana is legal in the state of Colorado, in Denver they're talking about taxing it up to 35 percent. Suddenly those drug cartels don't seem so greedy anymore, do they?" –Jay Leno

Scientists for the United States Army have developed a sandwich that can remain edible for three years. Well, if that doesn't get guys to re-up, nothing will. Let me tell you, that shows you how dedicated our armed forces are. I mean, the other side offers their guys, what, 72 virgins? We get a 3-year-old sandwich." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”