How dare you embarrass a man who had a columnist sawed into pieces? (Doing their best to make sure it doesn’t happen again)

“How dare you embarrass a man who had a columnist sawed into pieces?” — Jimmy Kimmel on President Trump’s angry reaction to a reporter who asked his guest, Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman of Saudi Arabia, about U.S. intelligence agencies’ conclusion that he ordered the murder of a journalist

“The crown prince did address the murder. He said, ‘We’ve improved our system to be sure that nothing happened like that. It’s painful and it’s a huge mistake and we’re doing our best that this doesn’t happen again.’ Doing their best to make sure it doesn’t happen again. This is not what you say about a murder. This is what the manager of Jersey Mike’s says when they accidentally put pepperoni on your tuna sandwich.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

every show has a four wife minimum (it's your fault for not voting properly)

Major comedians are being slammed for taking money from Saudi Arabia to perform at the Riyadh Comedy Festival. The royals over there love it, even though every show has a four wife minimum. — Greg Gutfeld 

Kelly Ripa had to reach down into her cleavage after a microphone fell down there on air. A similar incident happened to Anna Navarro, but while retrieving it, they discovered three illegals. — Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's like a reggae festival and Willie Nelson's birthday combined (People without heads tend not to speak out)

"A new study estimates that Colorado residents will legally smoke more than 2 million ounces of marijuana next year. That's like a reggae festival and Willie Nelson's birthday combined." –Jimmy Kimmel

Before his visit to Israel, Trump was in Saudi Arabia. This is where the wheels came off. First of all, his commerce secretary was on TV raving about how there were no protesters in Saudi Arabia. Because protesters are beheaded in Saudi Arabia. That's why. People without heads tend not to speak out. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the hottest country in the world right now (close to 50%)

President Trump said the king of Saudi Arabia told him the US is the hottest country in the world right now. He had said we were originally number four but we moved up three spaces after Rosie O'Donnell left. —Greg Gutfeld

San Francisco schools attempted to roll out a new equity program where students can pass with scores as low as 21 out of 100, or as students in San Francisco call it, close to 50%. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the McJournalist (Yeah totes!)

Well, President Trump traveled to the Middle East this week. And if I were him, I would have just stayed there, because it looked awesome. Trump arrived in Saudi Arabia, where he was greeted with a lavender carpet, which matched the color of his tie and also the length. They also rolled out a mobile McDonald's truck for President Trump's visit, featuring Saudi Arabia's most popular new burger, the McJournalist. —Colin Jost

According to a new tell-all book, Joe Biden's inner circle revealed that they were worried the president would need a wheelchair in his second term, especially after they were all done stabbing him in the back. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

he's the man to bring a dinosaur to life (nah, not feeling it)

After shaking as many hands as possible in Saudi Arabia President Trump teased Joe Biden for only offering up a fist bump years ago, which is still better than Hunter who offered a bump off his fist. —Greg Gutfeld

According to a new book Biden brought in Steven Spielberg to help his campaign. His staff had just watched Jurassic Park and figured he's the man to bring a dinosaur to life. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What? When did we start paying taxes? (He only bowed to Dick Cheney)

"More problems for Goldman Sachs. Did you know the tax rate it paid on its profits last year was 0.6 percent? And of course, the CEO of Goldman Sachs was furious when he heard this. He said: 'What? When did we start paying taxes? This is ridiculous.'" –Jay Leno

"Fox News is criticizing President Obama because he bowed to the Japanese emperor, and earlier he got in trouble with bowing to the Saudi king. See, that never would happen with President Bush. He only bowed to Dick Cheney." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which makes sense because Romney defines 'life' as anybody making over 250,000 dollars a year (Oh, please, we made one vice president)

Saudi Arabia yesterday became the first country in the world to grant citizenship to a robot. Oh, please, we made one vice president. –Seth Meyers

"On this day in 1912, President Teddy Roosevelt was shot, declined to go to the hospital, and gave a 90-minute speech with a bullet in his chest. Then on this day in 2012, I spent the whole day on WebMD because my eyelid wouldn't stop twitching." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview Wednesday Mitt Romney, who had previously stated he would not introduce legislation limiting abortion, vowed that he would still be a 'pro-life president.' Which makes sense because Romney defines 'life' as anybody making over 250,000 dollars a year." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, here’s another $500 Million (Rude Dude Escapes In The Nude)

A headline in The Metro reads, “Naked Man Crashes Car Then Leads Police On Bizzare Nude Foot Chase.” That was their headline. The real headline should have read, “Rude Dude Escapes In The Nude.” --James Corden

According to a report from the New York Times, Donald Trump repeatedly exaggerated his net worth in order to obtain enormous bank loans. In one instance, he overstated his wealth by $2 Billion. I don’t know what to think of this story. It’s just not like Trump to lie. Banks gave him millions in loans despite his multiple bankruptcies. You know the old saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, here’s another $500 Million.” --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Police became suspicious when nobody got into a fistfight (three wishes)

A woman in Wisconsin was arrested over the weekend after allegedly handing out marijuana cookies at a St. Patrick's Day parade. Police became suspicious when nobody got into a fistfight. --Seth Meyers

President Trump today met with the crown prince of Saudi Arabia at the White House. The prince asked for Trump's help fighting terrorism, and Trump asked for three wishes. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The book will be divided into the two chapters, 'Heads' and 'Tails.' (it's time to take a shower)

"Fox News is criticizing President Obama because he bowed to the Japanese emperor, and earlier he got in trouble with bowing to the Saudi king. See, that never would happen with President Bush. He only bowed to Dick Cheney." –Jay Leno

"Former President Bush announced today he is writing a book on how he made decisions while in the White House. The book will be divided into the two chapters, 'Heads' and 'Tails.'" –Jay Leno

"The Republicans are in full sour grapes mode. They lost because of Obama's dirty tactics, the biased media, and non-whites, and the promise of giveaways to takers. You know, if you scrubbed every inch of your house and something still smells like s**t, it's time to take a shower." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There’s a NEW often-wrong news channel in town! (Oh, please, we made one vice president)

Donald Trump’s campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, appeared on Trump’s new Facebook Live show and said Trump “unequivocally” will win the election. So, look out, CNN! There’s a NEW often-wrong news channel in town! –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump said in an interview this weekend that Iraq is the “Harvard of terrorism.” And he’s got a point: The only reason George W. Bush got into Iraq is because his dad went there. –Seth Meyers

Saudi Arabia yesterday became the first country in the world to grant citizenship to a robot. Oh, please, we made one vice president. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who's he? Is that the bad guy? (A wasting money competition)

Saudi Arabia just announced they will let women drive. Women say that they're excited, and can't wait to drive straight out of Saudi Arabia. –Jimmy Fallon

New research shows that monkeys enjoy movies, and can even follow plot lines. So if you're keeping score — that's monkeys: one, my mom: zero. "Who's he? Is that the bad guy?" "It's a commercial, mom." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I don’t say this often but I’m going to side with the Saudi government on this one (affordable and easy to use)

In Saudi Arabia, a 14-year-old boy was detained for dancing to the Macarena. You know, I don’t say this often but I’m going to side with the Saudi government on this one. –Conan O’Brien

"President Obama's in the news, of course. He's put healthcare back in the news. Yup. President Obama says he wants to create a national health care plan that's both affordable and easy to use. Yup. Yeah, good. Yeah, and the insurance industry says they'll fight the plan with congressmen who are both affordable and easy to use." --Conan O'Brien (June 2009)

At yesterday’s Trump rally, the crowd was chanting "CNN Sucks!" And man, you do not want to hear what they had to say about the Science Channel. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets (What? I'm looking at the baby.)

"Breast feeding activists plan to descend on Washington for a public breast feeding demonstration. Also descending on Washington, thousands of men saying, "What? I'm looking at the baby." –Conan O'Brien

"Olympic officials said Saudi Arabia's first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a headscarf. A Saudi woman said she's thrilled about the ruling. All she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics." –Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. team has swept all the medals in the skeet shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it's nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Suddenly those drug cartels don't seem so greedy anymore, do they? (We could have invaded closer to home and saved gas)

"Now that marijuana is legal in the state of Colorado, in Denver they're talking about taxing it up to 35 percent. Suddenly those drug cartels don't seem so greedy anymore, do they?" –Jay Leno

"But to be fair to President Bush, at the time we invaded Iraq, he thought Venezuela was a planet. Of course, today, he corrected himself. He now realizes Venezuela is those horns they blow at the World Cup." –Jay Leno

"BBC is reporting that Venezuela may have massive oil reserves, more than even Saudi Arabia. You know what that means? We could have invaded closer to home and saved gas." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A Magic Eight Ball would have taken a firmer stance (One Bedroom, Zero Bath Starter Tent)

Today the president also pardoned Saudi Arabia. The CIA is preparing a report that is expected to tie the brutal murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi to crown prince Mohammed bin Salman, but the president got out in front of the CIA today and released a statement on Khashoggi’s killing.

It starts out with a calm reassuring message: “The world is a very dangerous place!” It is now! Apparently you can kill a Washington Post journalist and the president don’t give a damn, because Trump’s official presidential decision on who is a resolute, “I dunno.” Trump wrote, “Our intelligence agencies continue to assess all information, but it could very well be that the crown prince had knowledge of this tragic event. Maybe he did, and maybe he didn’t!”

Did Donald Trump just knowingly provide cover for a murderous autocrat? Maybe he did and maybe he didn’t. Someone wrote that down. Someone actually typed that -- “Maybe he did. Maybe he didn’t.” That statement informs us in no way. A Magic Eight Ball would have taken a firmer stance.

Colbert as Trump, “Look things are not knowable. We live in a quantum state of flux, where time and matter coexist in  interdimensional plasma in which all possible pasts and futures simultaneously manifest on the space-time continuum. And in that infinite multi-verse of non-congruent para-data, we must consider the possibility that I do weigh 239 pounds.” --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

He ordered a bucket of pheasant McNuggets (Is it too soon to hit on Queen Latifah?)

"In the last 48 hours King Abdullah from Saudi Arabia passed away. I have a moral dilemma. The king passed away three or four days ago. Is it too soon to hit on Queen Latifah?" –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney wants to prove he's a regular guy, so he was someplace and he ordered a bucket of pheasant McNuggets." –David Letterman

"'King Kong' opened 78 years ago. It’s the story of a woman that gets carried away by an ape. The same thing happened to Maria Shriver." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he thinks he's too corrupt to be a leader, but not too corrupt to be just an ordinary congressman (truly fascinated by bright, shiny objects)

 

"Indicted Congressman Tom DeLay announced that he will not run for re-election as House Majority Leader but that he will run for re-election to Congress. So apparently he thinks he's too corrupt to be a leader, but not too corrupt to be just an ordinary congressman." --Jay Leno

 

"In Saudi Arabia last week, President Bush was criticized for doing a little ceremonial dance with a sword given to him by the Saudi prince. A lot of people thought the president was pandering to the Saudis. To be fair, I don't think the president was pandering. See, I think President Bush is truly fascinated by bright, shiny objects." --Jay Leno

"Sylvester Stallone announced today he is endorsing John McCain. I think that's what he said. He might have said, 'Hand me my cane.'" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

His way of firing people is much more exciting than Donald Trump's (People without heads tend not to speak out)

Before his visit to Israel, President Trump was in Saudi Arabia. This is where the wheels came off. First of all, his commerce secretary was on TV raving about how there were no protesters in Saudi Arabia. Because protesters are beheaded in Saudi Arabia. That's why. People without heads tend not to speak out. –Jimmy Kimmel

"As expected, the Senate did not pass a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. President Bush was behind this thing. The president opposes gay marriage, but not because he wants to deny people who are in love the opportunity to get married like everyone else because he just wants to make sure that gay guys are allowed to have sex with as many gay guys as possible." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Kim Jong Un reportedly had his defense chief executed after he fell asleep during a meeting. Not only did they execute him, they shot him with an anti-aircraft gun. I'd like to see NBC hire Kim Jong Un to host 'The Apprentice.' His way of firing people is much more exciting than Donald Trump's." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”