This is great news — wait, WHAT?! (A brief history of corporate whining)

In a new MTV documentary with Macklemore, Obama says that when he was a teen he drank and did drugs, adding, “I pretty much tried whatever was out there.” When asked what made him stop, Obama said, “Stop?” –Jimmy Fallon

I read that after facing protests, Whole Foods announced that it will no longer sell food that has been prepared by prison inmates. Customers were like, “This is great news — wait, WHAT?!” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They’re hoping the attendance is better than last year when he got circumcised (a dominatrix who forgets their safe word)

A man is getting bar mitzvah’d at age 113. They’re hoping the attendance is better than last year when he got circumcised. –Conan O’Brien

Britain's longest-serving dominatrix is retiring at the age of 66. Apparently men no longer want to hire a dominatrix who forgets their safe word. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a ladies man with commitment issues (Ham of the Month subscription)

Meanwhile, on CNN, Montel Williams called Charlie Kirk's murder suspect a love torn child who was in his first relationship. He then described Ted Bundy as a ladies man with commitment issues. —Greg Gutfeld

While some say it's an attack on free speech, others believe it's an excuse to unload Jimmy Kimmel due to his poor ratings and the cost to keep him on. So ABC had to make a tough call. It was either him or Joy Behar's Ham of the Month subscription. It adds up. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm sorry. I misread that (We just don't know when)

Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg now says that Kamala Harris should not have run. Oh, wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. I misread that. She should not have rum. —Greg Gutfeld 

Meanwhile, at least one organization tried to negotiate a lower rate for Joe Biden's speaking gigs. The offer includes one roundtrip Amtrak ticket, a set of complimentary Depends, and a case of Ensure. But but Joe's agent keeps stressing that Joe's a limited time offer. Time's running out. We just don't know when. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

which means it’s six more weeks of dictatorship (stocking up on eyeliner)

“Well, speaking of President Trump, after not being seen in public for several days, today he appeared in the Oval Office, which means it’s six more weeks of dictatorship.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Today Trump claimed that he was unaware of online theories that he’s sick. He said he’s too focused on real issues, like the Cracker Barrel logo.” — Jimmy Fallon

“I’ll know something’s actually wrong with Trump when JD Vance starts stocking up on eyeliner.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He just changed the person he calls wife (Dude, have you seen Greg?)

Donald Trump’s campaign is now saying he didn’t change his immigration plan, he just changed the words he used to describe it. They also said Trump hasn’t been married three times, he’s just changed the person he calls "wife." –Conan O’Brien

"A hydroponic marijuana store is being opened in California and is being called 'The Wal-Mart of Weed.' It's like a regular Wal-Mart except the greeter says, "Dude, have you seen Greg?" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, I wasn’t going to marry him (And every single time it turns out they lied)

"Republican Congressman Phil Hinkle, who voted to ban gay marriage, was caught propositioning a male prostitute. Hinkle said, 'Well, I wasn’t going to marry him.'" –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new study, most men would like women to occasionally pick up the check. The study also found most women would occasionally like to be paid as much as men for doing the same job." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Taming of the Shroom (7 calories)

Artifacts found in William Shakespeare's home suggest he may have been a marijuana user. Apparently he was doing a couple of drugs because he also had a rough draft of "The Taming of the Shroom." –Conan O’Brien

A recent study found that sex burns about 3.5 calories per minute. It’s funny, because that was always my pickup line. Hey, baby, want to come back to my place and burn 7 calories? –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow. $100 million worth of writers must have really paid off (I stepped up and banged his wife)

It was one year ago today that President Biden dropped out of the 2024 campaign. Time flies when you're dead. Meanwhile, his son Hunter unleashed on George Clooney and the Democrats for being disloyal to his father, adding, “I know about loyalty. When my brother died, I stepped up and banged his wife.” —Greg Gutfeld

Since Colbert's firing, Jon Stewart told CBS to go f yourself and Colbert told Trump to go f yourself. Wow. $100 million worth of writers must have really paid off. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They get the wage and give us the minimum (one of those horns they blow at the World Cup)

"But to be fair to President Bush, at the time we invaded Iraq, he thought Venezuela was a planet. Of course, today, he corrected himself. He now realizes Venezuela is those horns they blow at the World Cup." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney announced that he's going to the Olympics in London next month. No word yet on whether he will be rooting for Switzerland, Bermuda, Luxemburg or the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno

"Just one week after coming back to work, Congress took the day off today to watch this BCS football game tonight. Remember Congress promised us a five-day work week. It didn't even last a week. That's why they want to raise the minimum wage. They get the wage and give us the minimum." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the Secret Service code name for Joe Biden (I'm on my way, said Bill Clinton)

On Monday night, a player nicknamed the Big Dumper won the Home Run Derby. Coincidentally, Big Dumper was the Secret Service code name for Joe Biden. —Greg Gutfeld

And finally, a strange new hole has appeared in Yellowstone National Park. Strange new hole. I'm on my way, said Bill Clinton. —Greg Gutfeld

Now, Trump just had the greatest start to a presidency in history. I haven't seen anything come out of the gate this fast since Joy Behar won the Kentucky Derby. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There's 18 holes you need to take care of (And Stephen Hawking's feet were just asleep)

Joe Biden’s doctor pled the fifth to all questions, claiming Dr. patient privilege, which I get. It's the only thing stopping my doctor from telling the world about my birthmark that looks like Britt Hume. Now, obviously, the doctor's protecting himself. Being Biden's physician is a tough gig. Every day it's something. He shattered his kneecap, checking his reflexes. He's got wet bones and sweaty teeth. It's like being a veterinarian. One day you're popping back in his shoulder. Then you're removing worms from the burrow in his leg. Finally, you're pulling a chipmunk out of his butt. It's like being the groundskeeper for a golf course. There's 18 holes you need to take care of. —Greg Gutfeld

So Joe Biden only had a stutter. Yeah. And Stephen Hawking's feet were just asleep. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Thank goodness for **** dealers (the second best $800 he's ever spent)

"General Motors announced that they are out of bankruptcy after selling nearly 10,000 Camaros. At a press conference, the head of GM said, 'Thank goodness for coke dealers.'" --Conan O'Brien

It's come out that President Trump's new communications director has changed the White House lighting so Trump looks younger. Even more impressive, the new lighting makes Melania look happy. --Conan O’Brien

"Despite his prostitution scandal several years ago, Eliot Spitzer is running for comptroller of New York. He's paying someone $800 a day to collect signatures to put him on the ballot. He said it's the second best $800 he's ever spent." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Things are probably going to get worse before they get better (a hole in the center of it)

So, Joe Biden was seen struggling to set up a beach chair on July 4th weekend. It's not his fault. He's not used to a seat without a hole in the center of it. —Greg Gutfeld

On the 4th of July, Kamala Harris posted, quote, "Things are probably going to get worse before they get better.” That's also how she starts her speaking engagements. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unions are a better deal than textbooks made them out to be (LA continues to be our most flammable city)

“Whether you win a basketball championship, a World Series championship, whether you have an exploding piñata gender reveal gone wrong, congratulations, it’s a boy and an evacuation. Or you’re just protesting the Trump administration’s expanded deportation raids. LA continues to be our most flammable city.” —Jon Stewart

President Trump, meanwhile, is set to attend the opening night of Les Misérables this week at the Kennedy Center. It’s the story of a convicted criminal who struggles to find redemption by going to see Les Misérables at the Kennedy Center. Les Misérables is French for how Trump will feel while sitting through it. —Seth Meyers

The fast-food chain Chipotle is set to launch a new adobo ranch dip. And then about four hours later, you’ll launch it. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He didn’t even put his name on the check he sent Stormy Daniels (Highway to Hell)

“Why on earth would Donald Trump’s name be on the stimulus checks? They’re not from him. It’s not his money. He didn’t even put his name on the check he sent Stormy Daniels.” — Jimmy Kimmel

AC/DC has a new lead singer. Axl Rose will replace Brian Johnson. At 54-years-old, he will be the youngest member of the group. They are still on a “Highway to Hell,” but they're in the far right lane. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

like India, or Thailand, or China (wife No. 7)

"Rush Limbaugh got married for the fourth time on Saturday. He's 59; she's 33. So, I'm doing the math. That means when she's 40, he'll be on wife No. 7." –Jay Leno

"President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took office. You know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it somewhere where the Bush economy has actually created jobs, like India, or Thailand, or China." —Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Over my soon to be dead body (Thanks, but I just wanted a Big Mac)

Karine Jean-Pierre announced that she's writing a tell-all book about the Biden administration. In response people are saying "Thanks, but I just wanted a Big Mac." —Greg Gutfeld

And when Joe Biden was asked if he's going to read the book he replied "Over my soon to be dead body." —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, that just happened (10 poorest states)

The Royal wedding is just three days away! Which means in just three days, the world will finally get to see the queen do the Electric Slide. --Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, 39-year-old Emmanuel Macron became the youngest president in French history. You can tell he’s young ’cause after they swore him in, his first words in his speech were, “So, that just happened.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do with less--so the rich have more? (he did bring enough for everyone)

This weekend was the Kentucky Derby with Nyquist coming in first, Exaggerator coming in second, and — this is crazy — Jeb coming in last. –Seth Meyers

Police in Philadelphia are investigating after a 5-year-old boy walked into his preschool class holding about two dozen vials of crack cocaine. In the kid's defense, he did bring enough for everyone. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”