it’s a lot easier to be diplomatic when we only got two armies left to deploy, Salvation and KISS (he's got the mug from his grandchildren to prove it)

"George Bush said, 'We spent some time talking about the Iranian issue and the desire to solve this issue diplomatically, by working together' Of course, it’s a lot easier to be diplomatic when we only got two armies left to deploy, Salvation and KISS." --Jon Stewart, on Iran's nuclear weapons capabilities

"I know the country has been mired in deficit spending and it's been a terrible burden on the country in terms of interest payments. Good news today out of Washington. They haven't paid down the debt or come up with any program to do so. What they did is raise the limit of debt we can go to $9 trillion. It sends a great message to the kids: Hey, are you getting an F? Don't study harder, make the grading curve go out to K. Then your F looks like a C." --Jon Stewart

"Not all Americans are hated down south. On Sunday, Hugo Chavez welcomed musician Harry Belafonte, a beloved entertainer who serves as a United Nations goodwill ambassador. [clip of Belafonte calling Pres. Bush 'the greatest terrorist in the world.'] I'm sorry, goodwill ambassador? So really, George Bush is the world's greatest terrorist? That's going to be news to Osama bin Laden, who's got the track record and the mug from his grandchildren to prove it." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently, someone told them that marijuana users are really into 'buying papers.' (I'm surprised he wrote anything by hand)

July 2014

"The FBI has captured a man accused of sending over 500 letters filled with white powder to President Obama. The FBI said he was a disillusioned middle-aged man who felt beaten down and powerless at work, and the guy who sent the letters was kind of a mess, too." –Seth Meyers

"The New York Times came out in favor of marijuana legalization. Apparently, someone told them that marijuana users are really into 'buying papers.'" –Seth Meyers

"Supporters of former Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez have released a new font in the style of his handwriting. Although I'm surprised he wrote anything by hand since he was so used to dictating." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I need you to switch who the president is (my new kink)

August 2021

“On Wednesday, a federal judge ruled that Dominion Voting Systems could proceed with its defamation lawsuits against Trump allies Mike Lindell, Rudy Giuliani and Sidney Powell. OK, so there are only two plausible explanations for what happened here: Either a federal judge appointed by Donald Trump ruled that unfounded claims of election fraud made by three Trump allies were not exempt from defamation laws, or Hugo Chavez teamed up with China and the C.I.A. to use Italian military satellites to hack the judge’s computer and alter his opinion, which was then printed out on paper smuggled in from China covered in bamboo fibers. The only way we can know for sure is if we take the judge’s ruling to a cabin in Montana, examine it under a powerful ultraviolet light, then bury it in the backyard, wait three days and see if it rains.” —Seth Meyers

“Did you see the reaction of MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell when he heard the news that the lawsuits against him would proceed? Watching someone get bad news, in real time, at their own symposium is my new kink.” —Seth Meyers

“Honestly, poor cyber experts. You go to school to get a degree in computer science, spend your whole career mastering a highly specialized skill that would be actually very helpful in today’s high-tech economy, and then a psycho pillow magnate hands you what I’m guessing is a garbage bag full of dry cleaning slips and CVS receipts and said, ‘I need you to switch who the president is.’” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It must have been when they made slavery illegal in Mississippi (and then the snowstorm hit)

March 2013

"A major snowstorm has hit the East Coast. In Washington, D.C., everything ground to a halt – and then the snowstorm hit." –Conan O'Brien

"Due to budget cuts, all tours of the White House have been canceled indefinitely. When he heard, Joe Biden said, 'Now I'll never see it.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell released a Harlem Shake video. So just when you think a trend is dead, it's made cool again by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell." –Conan O'Brien

"Former president of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, died yesterday. The people of Venezuela aren't sure who'll replace Hugo Chavez. CBS suggested Ashton Kutcher." –Craig Ferguson

"I must have missed the moment when racism ended. I wonder when it was? The time Ross dated Aisha Tyler on 'Friends?' Or when Keebler added a black elf? Oh, I know. It must have been when they made slavery illegal in Mississippi all the way back in ... four weeks ago." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a plot that could only be understood by a man clutching his own pillow (their jug of government bleach)

April 2021

“We are celebrating President Biden’s vaccine milestone: all American adults are eligible to receive a Covid vaccine, as promised two weeks ago. It’s a huge contrast from his predecessor, Voldemoron. Even under that guy’s most optimistic projections, at this point only a third of US adults would’ve received their jug of government bleach.” —Stephen Colbert

“Yet it’s not all good news on the vaccine front: a recent poll of Republicans and white evangelical Christians found almost 30% of each group would ‘definitely not’ get a shot. Apparently the message, ‘the vaccine is safe and effective’ isn’t as believable as ‘Hugo Chavez and a cabal of celebrity pedophiles stole an election from the least popular president in history in a plot that could only be understood by a man clutching his own pillow.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Another long-simmering scandal: GOP groups who mass-purchase books written by Republicans to boost sales and land them on bestseller lists. That’s so embarrassing. It’s like when your dad has to buy all of your Girl Scout cookies because your cookies are painfully boring, and blame everything on immigrants. It’s always been a shady strategy, but it may have now broken the law: Senator Ted Cruz of Texas is accused of violating campaign finance rules by mass-purchasing his new book with $154,000 of campaign money. A warning to anyone visiting Ted Cruz’s house: You’re gonna leave with a book. Also a warning to anyone going to Ted Cruz’s house: Ted Cruz is gonna be there.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the last 100 pages are blank (And I'm looking at you France)

"I read about this today, too. Sarah Palin's 400-page memoir is going to be released on November 17th, and it's called 'Going Rogue: An American Life.' And critics say that it starts out okay, it get's really exciting and then confusing, and then the last 100 pages are blank. The book costs $24.99, but it has a $5,000 jacket." --Jimmy Fallon

"The big news was the Senate yesterday - the finance committee - rejected the Democrats' health-care plan, the one with the public option. Meanwhile, the Republicans are offering their own health-care plan. It's called, 'Stop Crying and Take an Advil.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says that the United Nations doesn't smell of sulfur anymore. He said that it 'smells of something else. And I'm looking at you France.'" --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It would be like handing George W. Bush any book (I called up the CIA and begged to be waterboarded)

"And a lot of people thought that Miss California lost the contest when she said she was opposed to gay marriage. So, apparently, she forgot who the audience is who watches beauty pageants." --Jay Leno

"Well, recently, that evil Hugo Chavez from Venezuela slipped President Obama a book that is printed in Spanish. But President Obama does not read or speak Spanish. It would be like handing George W. Bush any book." --David Letterman

"It's hot here today in L.A. In fact, it was so hot, I called up the CIA and begged to be waterboarded." --Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Now let us know if an Asian guy ever comes to town (Help, I'm Only 14!)

"Actor Sean Penn is currently touring Venezuela with President Hugo Chavez. Penn said that between listening to Chavez attack President Bush and calling us the Great Satan, it was like being back in Malibu." --Jay Leno

"Earlier this week at a campaign event in Utah, hundreds of people showed up to hear a speech by Barack Obama. After Obama's speech, the Utah crowd said, 'That was great. Now let us know if an Asian guy ever comes to town.'" --Conan O'Brien

    

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulsecollectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

our president often appears in public without a brain (Sexiest Commie Alive)

"Alberto Gonzales is stepping down, but he can't recall why." --David Letterman

"Russian leader Vladimir Putin -- have you seen this guy? He gets his picture taken a lot with his shirt off. We used to have a pantless president, they've got a shirtless president. He was named 'Sexiest Commie Alive' nearly edging out Hugo Chavez and Kim Jong-Il. But people are stunned the Russian president appearing in public without a shirt. And I was thinking, 'Well heck, our president often appears in public without a brain.'" --David Letterman

    

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

bin Laden has the track record and the mug from his grandchildren to prove it (original strings attached)

"Not all Americans are hated down south. On Sunday, Hugo Chavez welcomed musician Harry Belafonte, a beloved entertainer who serves as a United Nations goodwill ambassador. [clip of Belafonte calling Pres. Bush 'the greatest terrorist in the world.'] I'm sorry, goodwill ambassador? So really, George Bush is the world's greatest terrorist? That's going to be news to Osama bin Laden, who's got the track record and the mug from his grandchildren to prove it." --Jon Stewart

"Lots of people are returning gifts this week, and that's just Congressmen. Even President Bush returned $6,000 given to him by that creepy Jack Abramoff guy. But Bush said he hadn't done anything with the money. In fact, it still had the original strings attached." --Jay Leno

“Things are so bad now the Iraqis are offering to help us restore democracy in Washington." --Jay Leno

or as Bush calls him, 'The fourth Dixie Chick.'

"Bill O'Reilly is apparently on al Qaeda's death list. al Qaeda said they don't even think of him as an infidel. They just want to cut off his head, so he'll shut up." --Bill Maher

"The number one and number two best selling books on the Amazon list are attacks on President Bush. Both books call him incompetent and a liar. I tell you something, if President Bush read books, he'd be furious." --Jay Leno

"President Bush, the president of Iran and the president of Venezuela all spoke at the United Nations, and they all made a point of not listening to each other's speeches. Thank God for the U.N. Where would we be if world leaders didn't have a place where they could all get together and ignore one another?" --Jay Leno

"The president of Venezuela called President Bush the devil yesterday. His name is Hugo Chavez, or as Bush calls him, 'The fourth Dixie Chick.'" --Jay Leno

Since he was so used to dictating

"The New York Times came out in favor of marijuana legalization. Apparently, someone told them that marijuana users are really into 'buying papers.'" –Seth Meyers



"Supporters of former Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez have released a new font in the style of his handwriting. Although I'm surprised he wrote anything by hand since he was so used to dictating." –Seth Meyers



"It's Arnold Schwarzenegger's birthday. Arnold celebrated quietly at home with his friends and his families." –Craig Ferguson


So just when you think a trend is dead...

"A major snowstorm has hit the East Coast. In Washington, D.C., everything ground to a halt – and then the snowstorm hit." –Conan O'Brien 

"Today Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell released a Harlem Shake video. So just when you think a trend is dead, it's made cool again by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell." –Conan O'Brien



"The people of Venezuela aren't sure who'll replace Hugo Chavez. CBS suggested Ashton Kutcher." –Craig Ferguson