Hey we're playing MS-13 tonight! (Nancy Pelosi is seeking the death penalty)

President Trump signed an order today to dismantle the Department of Education. One angry ex employee claims it was the worst thing to happen since the Nazis won the Civil War. —Greg Gutfeld

You can definitely tell spring is here. In Central Park this afternoon I saw a rat catching a Frisbee. On my way into work this morning I saw my Uber driver applying sunblock to his middle finger and earlier today in Times Square I saw a Venezuelan gang member carrying a softball mitt. Yeah, hey we're playing MS-13 tonight! —Greg Gutfeld 

Hilaria Baldwin defended lashing out at her husband Alec during an awkward red carpet interview. She claimed he was man-terrupting which sure beats manslaughtering. —Greg Gutfeld

US border officials in Indiana have confiscated nearly $10,000 worth of fake Botox products. Nancy Pelosi is seeking the death penalty. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Finally, a medicine that will help my dog lie on the couch all day (Wait, I know this one. Was it China?)

"A company has come out with a line of medical marijuana dog treats. Finally, a medicine that will help my dog lie on the couch all day." –Seth Meyers

In an interview today, President Trump questioned why America fought the Civil War. Even worse, then he questioned whom America fought in the Civil War. “Wait, I know this one. Was it China?” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You don't like either side (40 rats in a trench coat)

Tuesday marked the second day of Donald Trump’s New York criminal trial for allegedly falsifying business records of a hush-money payment to Stormy Daniels, in what is, the trial of what feels like a century. We are reminded that though the wheels of justice may turn slowly, eventually a panel of impartial citizen jurors will do the indispensable public service of listening to testimony about Donald Trump’s mushroom dong. By the end of the day, seven jury members had been selected, after New York sent out over 6,000 summonses, about 2,000 more than average. At that rate, they’re going to burn through every available New Yorker. By the end, the jury is going to include the Times Square Buzz Lightyear, 40 rats in a trench coat and Lin-Manuel Miranda. —Stephen Colbert 

According to court reporters, one potential juror said his radio habits included “listening to whatever was on when he was in the shower”. But after he hears details on Trump’s sex life, I’m guessing he’ll be listening to a toaster in the bath tub. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, my God. You look amazing (That's from both of us)

According to a new report, Earth's glaciers have lost 9 trillion metric tons of ice between 1961 and 2016. Said other glaciers, "Oh, my God. You look amazing." --Seth Meyers

It was announced yesterday that Oprah has donated $2 million to Puerto Rico to help with long-term hurricane relief efforts. "That's from both of us," said Stedman. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My God, I wish they would have put this much preparation into the Iraq War (If the "patriots" of today were alive in 1776)

"Here now is a list of requirements for Dick Cheney's 'downtime suite': He wants bottled water. He wants decaffeinated coffee. He wants an ice bucket. He wants ammo. He wants the temperature at 68 degrees, the TV's must be tuned to Fox news. I was thinking, 'My God, I wish they would have put this much preparation into the Iraq War.'" --David Letterman

"Did you hear about this? Two State Department employees were fired -- this is a bit of a scandal -- because they were looking at Barack Obama's passport file. Not only that, but the same person was also looking at John McCain's Civil War records." --David Letterman

"Earlier today, in parts of the world, there was a total eclipse of the sun. President Bush said that the eclipse of the sun proves the unreliability of solar power." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like the Civil War, if you replace slavery with waffle fries (Spock's neck and shoulder massage)

Remember a few months ago when future former President Barack Obama got Iran to release four American prisoners? Well, it turns out he forgot to tell us about a small shipping and handling fee. Because as the prisoners were freed, $400 million was flown to Iran on a plane loaded with cash. Don't you hate it when you're on an airplane and you get stuck sitting next to $400 million? You don't know who gets the armrest. –Stephen Colbert

"This crisis has pitted brother against lower cholesterol brother. It's like the Civil War, if you replace slavery with waffle fries." –Stephen Colbert on the Chick-Fil-A controversy

“Joe Biden has tested positive for Covid for the second time days after testing negative, a rebound case after taking the anti-viral drug Paxlovid. Wow, getting Covid twice in a row because you took Paxlovid? Who could’ve seen this coming? Me, that’s who. (Colbert had two bouts of Covid in May after taking Paxlovid.) It’s happened to a lot of folks. I don’t know anyone who’s taken Paxlovid who didn’t get it again. It’s the hottest rebound since JLo tested positive for a second case of Affleck.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

The book will be divided into the two chapters, 'Heads' and 'Tails.' (Sound familiar?)

"Record ratings for the Oscars last night. Kathryn Bigelow won best director for her film about the Iraq war. But in her speech, she forgot to thank the two people without whom this film could never have been made — Bush and Cheney." –Jay Leno

"Tea Party candidate Michele Bachmann said the Revolutionary War started in New Hampshire when it really started in Massachusetts. Interesting that a woman who believes so strongly in states rights can't get her states right." –Jay Leno

"Former President Bush announced today he is writing a book on how he made decisions while in the White House. The book will be divided into the two chapters, 'Heads' and 'Tails.'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait, I know this one. Was it China? (Warlords)

“As several states began tentative, and risky, reopening measures, Donald Trump held a town hall at the Lincoln Memorial on Sunday night exclusively for Fox News – which makes sense, because Trump is constantly either in a state of watching Fox or appearing on Fox or watching himself appearing on Fox. Eventually Fox is just going to turn into a 24/7 feed of Trump watching himself on Fox like an infinity mirror.” —Seth Meyers

"A company has come out with a line of medical marijuana dog treats. Finally, a medicine that will help my dog lie on the couch all day." –Seth Meyers

In an interview today, President Trump questioned why America fought the Civil War. Even worse, then he questioned whom America fought in the Civil War. “Wait, I know this one. Was it China?” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

President Obama picked up a nomination for best Democrat acting like a Republican (So, congratulations)

"And the Golden Globe nominations came out yesterday. President Obama picked up a nomination for best Democrat acting like a Republican. So, congratulations." –Jay Leno

"A Website called HeroBuilders.com is now selling a Dick Cheney action figure. The nice thing is the Cheney action figure fits right into your back pocket, so you can walk around and pretend you're an oil company executive." --Jay Leno

"You know, I'll tell you, once again, I don't think President Bush gets it. He doesn't really understand these economic issues. Like today, he was asked if customers should be concerned by all these bank closings. And Bush said, 'If the bank is closed, you just use the ATM.'" --Jay Leno

"They found 22 million missing White House emails. You hear President Bush's excuse? He said he never bothered to ever send any of them because he couldn't find a stamp." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He’s there to relax after months of grueling golf at Mar-a-Lago (It's like the Civil War, if you replace slavery with waffle fries)

Speaking of Stormy Daniels, it's time for tonight's edition of "Stormy Watch: Karen McDougal Edition!" McDougal is the former Playboy Playmate who allegedly had a year-long affair with Donald Trump, beginning just three months after the birth of his and Melania's son, roughly the same time as he slept with Stormy Daniels. That's dangerous! You don’t want to risk that! Can you imagine he's having sex and calls out the wrong mistress' name? I'm joking, of course. Just kidding, he screams out his own name. "Oh, Truuuump!" --Stephen Colbert

As of Friday, Donald Trump is on a 17-day vacation at his golf club in Bedminster, New Jersey. He’s there to relax after months of grueling golf at Mar-a-Lago. –Stephen Colbert

"This crisis has pitted brother against lower cholesterol brother. It's like the Civil War, if you replace slavery with waffle fries." –Stephen Colbert on the Chick-Fil-A controversy

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Republicans love it because it just sits there and does nothing (a lot of them had to cancel their Civil War Reenactments)

"The whole Congress has to stay there for the whole weekend. The Tea Party Republicans are especially pi**ed off at this — a lot of them had to cancel their Civil War Reenactments." –Bill Maher

"Some jackass vandalized the Lincoln Memorial. Who hates the Lincoln Memorial? Democrats love it because it honors the man who freed the slaves. And Republicans love it because it just sits there and does nothing." –Bill Maher

"One of the leading Tea Partiers, Congressman Joe Walsh, he famously went on YouTube and wagged his finger at Obama and said, 'Have you no shame, Mr. President?' It turns out he is $117,000 delinquent in his child support. Have you no sense of irony, Mr. Congressman? He had an excuse. He said his kids don't have a child support problem; they have a spending problem." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

People without heads tend not to speak out (the good news was he was delicious)

Before his visit to Israel, Trump was in Saudi Arabia. This is where the wheels came off. First of all, his commerce secretary was on TV raving about how there were no protesters in Saudi Arabia. Because protesters are beheaded in Saudi Arabia. That's why. People without heads tend not to speak out. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Former President George H.W. Bush will endorse Senator John McCain for president. They have been close friends since the Civil War and the former president says that John McCain is the only candidate who has the strength, the leadership and the vision to dig America out of this giant hole his son has put us in." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Vice President Dick Cheney says that it was an accident. He claims the guy got in his line of fire, but the good news was he was delicious. Eat what you shoot!" --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The head and the butt are interchangeable (He’s famous for losing)

September 2021

“The Biden administration yesterday removed 18 military academy board members that were appointed by Trump. Why were there still any Trump holdovers anyway? That’s like moving into a rent-controlled apartment the last guy died in and keeping all the expired whitefish in the refrigerator.” —Seth Meyers

“Thanks to the revisionist mythology of the Lost Cause and gentlemen’s Confederacy, a statue of the Confederate general Robert E. Lee on a horse loomed over the former Confederate capital of Richmond, Virginia for 130 years – until this week. The six-story tall monument, the largest to a Confederate in the nation, was removed on Wednesday to cheers of ‘Nah, nah, nah, goodbye.’ Trump issued a statement calling the removal a ‘complete desecration’ and lamented, bafflingly, that Lee was not alive to lead the US in Afghanistan. What do you mean it would’ve ended in victory if Lee was in charge? He lost! He’s famous for losing.” —Seth Meyers

“In other news, the Biden administration on Wednesday removed 18 military academy board members appointed by Trump, including former adviser Kellyanne Conway and press secretary Sean Spicer. Tough day for the comedy team of Conway and Spicer. You know, when we finally got rid of Trump I assumed these people would just disappear, like the White Walker when Arya stabbed the Night King.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait, isn't that literally your responsibility? (He's known around the NRA as 'Reasonable Jim.')

May 2013

"The NRA this week elected a new president, choosing Alabama lawyer Jim Porter who recently referred to Attorney General Eric Holder as 'rabidly un-American' and still calls the Civil War the 'War of Northern Aggression.' He's known around the NRA as 'Reasonable Jim.'" –Seth Meyers

"Investigators are saying that on the night Dzhokhar Tsarnaev's picture was first made public, one of his college friends who was arrested on Wednesday texted Tsarnaev joking that he looked like one of the suspects. You know, when they say "if you see something, say something," they don't mean TO the terrorist." –Seth Meyers

"You people sound like you're all ready for Cinco de Mayo. I hate it when every holiday gets so politicized. Like today, the NRA said piñatas should be allowed to carry guns to defend themselves." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Obama spoke at Ohio State's graduation, and told students that it's their responsibility to make the world a better place. It got awkward when students were like, 'Wait, isn't that literally your responsibility?'" –Jimmy Fallon 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like the Civil War, if you replace slavery with waffle fries (Famous Clowns)

August 2012

"This week is international clown week. That's something more terrifying than sharks. There's a lot of famous clowns. Bozo the Clown, Krusty the Clown, Joe Biden. There's three right there." –Craig Ferguson

"Why don't they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be awesome. The team from Mexico could wear those Mr. X masks. The French wrestler could hit his opponent with a baguette. Or perhaps just surrender." –Craig Ferguson

"This crisis has pitted brother against lower cholesterol brother. It's like the Civil War, if you replace slavery with waffle fries." –Stephen Colbert on the Chick-Fil-A controversy

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the old people are going to have to eat something (a lot of them had to cancel their Civil War Reenactments)

July 2011

"The whole Congress has to stay there for the whole weekend. The Tea Party Republicans are especially pissed off at this — a lot of them had to cancel their Civil War Reenactments." –Bill Maher

"Their plan is to not pay our bills and hope nobody gets too mad about it. Call me crazy, but I think the government owes an apology to Wesley Snipes. Wasn't that his plan?" –Bill Maher

"One of the leading Tea Partiers, Congressman Joe Walsh, he famously went on YouTube and wagged his finger at Obama and said, 'Have you no shame, Mr. President?' It turns out he is $117,000 delinquent in his child support. Have you no irony, Mr. Congressman? He had an excuse. He said his kids don't have a child support problem; they have a spending problem." –Bill Maher

"The Republicans attached 39 riders to the bill repealing environmental protection laws. One of them forbade the government to add any more animals to the endangered species list. Sorry, woodpeckers, but once we get rid of Social Security the old people are going to have to eat something." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

And speaking of the end of the world, there are only 4 Oprah shows left (he buys his engagement rings in bulk)

May 2011

"Everyone in the blamestream media, copyright, is saying Newt Gingrich is on the ropes. Wrong, you parasites. This man will rise again, just like the sourdough he appears to be made of." –Stephen Colbert

"There is a simple explanation for this because Newt Gingrich buys his engagement rings in bulk." –Stephen Colbert, on Newt Gingrich running up $500 thousand dollar in Tiffany's debt

"The world is ending on Saturday. It would really, really suck if we only get to live three weeks longer than bin laden." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The world is ending on Saturday. We will be judged by Randy and J-Lo, and then I guess we go to Hell. It would really, really suck if we only got to live 3 weeks longer than bin Laden. And speaking of the end of the world, there are only 4 Oprah shows left." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Iraq the Musical (Don't Ask, Don't Tell)

"Last night was Larry King's final show. Should we tell him?" –David Letterman

"Congress repealed 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'. The Pentagon can now start production on 'Iraq the Musical.'" –David Letterman

"John McCain was opposed to repealing 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell,' though he admitted that he probably served with gay soldiers during the Civil War." –David Letterman

"Now if you're in the military and want to engage in gay activity you just have to fill out the HB-290 Homosexual Behavior Requisition Form." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

This is a journalist/This is a corporate shill (so maybe sit this one out, Grease Frightening)

Not only are Confederate statues symbols of slavery and white supremacy, they're also ugly. I mean, this is an actual statue of Confederate general Nathan Bedford Forrest. I mean, look at his face! Is that the face he made when he lost the Civil War or when he walked in on his parents having sex? --Seth Meyers

Donald Trump Jr. reposted a tweet from Senator Kamala Harris, congratulating Northam on his victory two years ago that said, "Congratulations to Ralph Northam and his team for showing that Virginia won't stand for hatred and bigotry." Don Jr. added, "Well, this is awkward and didn't age well at all." You might not want to comment on what's awkward and not aging well. Your dad is the birther who proposed a Muslim ban and said Nazis are fine people, so maybe sit this one out, Grease Frightening. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Just like Lindsay Lohan's probation officer (Our wars are paid for by our grandchildren)

"People are trying to understand the judge's thinking on this. Well, I think it's pretty clear. After seeing straight couples like Bristol and Levi, Larry King and his wives, Charlie Sheen and his wives, gays couldn't screw it up any worse than that, right? So what the heck, go for it." —Jay Leno 

"The Senate has confirmed Elena Kagan for the Supreme Court. She now has a job for life. Just like Lindsay Lohan's probation officer." –Jay Leno

"This week in 1861, the first federal income tax was instituted to pay for the Civil War. These days, we don't worry about that kind of stuff. Our wars are paid for by our grandchildren." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”