Reasons to trust the legacy media (a guy named Mad Dog is telling you to take it down a notch)

Disney announced that it’s featuring its first openly gay character in the upcoming live-action film “Beauty and the Beast.” Which explains why they’re changing the title of the movie to “Beauty and Her Longtime Roommate Janine.” –Conan O’Brien

In California, an experimental self-driving Uber car drove through six red lights. In other words, it just passed its Los Angeles driving test. –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump is reportedly having multiple disagreements with his Defense Secretary pick, James "Mad Dog" Mattis. You know you’re in trouble when a guy named Mad Dog is telling you to take it down a notch. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

to raise some extra cash, the Secret Service is using Joe Biden’s hearse as an Uber (US military presence in the Middle East)

“The government shutdown is taking its toll. It’s so bad that Jerry Nadler had to cut back on his diaper service, Hakeem Jeffries had to pawn his sombreros, paychecks are no longer being sent to Rashida Tlaib’s team of electrologists and, since there is no funding, they just repossessed the thing on top of Maxine Waters’ head.” — Greg Gutfeld

“But this is nice — to raise some extra cash, the Secret Service is using Joe Biden’s hearse as an Uber.” — Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's called Uber Crash (but don't they usually hibernate in winter)

Joy Behar announced that The View is going on hiatus for the rest of the summer, but don't they usually hibernate in winter? —Greg Gutfeld

Uber is launching a new feature that pairs female drivers with female riders. It's called Uber Crash. And there's no option for a quiet ride. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, who won the midterm elections? (Unicorn Academy)

President Trump defended his tariffs, saying that the poor economic numbers were Joe Biden's fault. Well, guess what I wasn't forced to do during Biden's economy. Buy myself just the horse from Unicorn Academy without the doll that goes with her. —Colin Jost

Uber is offering teenagers free rides to prom. So get ready, your driver Matt Gaetz will be arriving soon. —Colin Jost

A chihuahua named Pearl who is just over 3 inches tall has been declared the world’s smallest dog. Pearl is so small I couldn’t even see her in front of my lawnmower. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey we're playing MS-13 tonight! (Nancy Pelosi is seeking the death penalty)

President Trump signed an order today to dismantle the Department of Education. One angry ex employee claims it was the worst thing to happen since the Nazis won the Civil War. —Greg Gutfeld

You can definitely tell spring is here. In Central Park this afternoon I saw a rat catching a Frisbee. On my way into work this morning I saw my Uber driver applying sunblock to his middle finger and earlier today in Times Square I saw a Venezuelan gang member carrying a softball mitt. Yeah, hey we're playing MS-13 tonight! —Greg Gutfeld 

Hilaria Baldwin defended lashing out at her husband Alec during an awkward red carpet interview. She claimed he was man-terrupting which sure beats manslaughtering. —Greg Gutfeld

US border officials in Indiana have confiscated nearly $10,000 worth of fake Botox products. Nancy Pelosi is seeking the death penalty. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The man says he's excited to spend the entire year drunk (moseying in)

A man in London just took Uber's one-billionth ride, and to celebrate, Uber gave him a year's worth of free rides. The man says he's excited to spend the entire year drunk. –Jimmy Fallon

China's new law allowing couples to have two children instead of just one went into effect in the new year. So if you thought you felt an earthquake, don't worry — it was just a billion people being told they were allowed to have unprotected sex at the exact same moment. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, I'm drunk (And followed by an apology)

For our American viewers who may not know, Theresa May is the prime minister here in Britain, and she’s the one who called for what’s known as a “snap election.” That means it’s just seven weeks of campaigning and it’s over. We Brits hold our elections the way we make love — quickly and without a lot of unnecessary emotion. And followed by an apology. –James Corden

According to a new report, Uber is developing a technology that would allow its app to determine if users are drunk. The new technology evaluates walking speed, whether the phone is swaying, and if you've made any typos. Now, look. Let's take the mystery out of this, Uber. It's 2:00 a.m., I'm standing outside a bar, and I typed in my destination as Taco Bell. Yeah, I'm drunk. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump is also worried he doesn’t have time to learn the language (Mike Pence drives for Uber)

It’s been reported that President Trump is so worried about protests that he is postponing his upcoming trip to England. Trump is also worried he doesn’t have time to learn the language. –Conan O’Brien

In New York City, an Uber driver kicked a lesbian couple out of his car after they kissed. The real story here is that Mike Pence drives for Uber. --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In other words, it just passed its Los Angeles driving test (Hey, put that back in my bedroom where it belongs)

In California, an experimental self-driving Uber car drove through six red lights. In other words, it just passed its Los Angeles driving test. –Conan O’Brien

When President Trump arrived at the summit in Vietnam he was greeted with a giant portrait of himself. Trump said, “Hey, put that back in my bedroom where it belongs.” --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks (The man says he's excited to spend the entire year drunk)

A man in London just took Uber's one-billionth ride, and to celebrate, Uber gave him a year's worth of free rides. The man says he's excited to spend the entire year drunk. –Jimmy Fallon

"Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because, you know, when you think responsible, ethical and trustworthy, you think Exxon Mobil (I call it a Christmas Miracle)

Donald Trump has continued to make more surprising appointments in his cabinet. This morning, Trump chose the CEO of Exxon Mobil, Rex Tillerson, as his secretary of state. Because, you know, when you think responsible, ethical and trustworthy, you think Exxon Mobil. –James Corden

People got to use a new technology when the ride-sharing service Uber introduced their self-driving cars to the city of San Francisco. Yeah, because when looking for a place to roll out an experimental driverless car, you always want to pick the city with the steepest hills. –James Corden

A chocolate factory in Germany recently experienced a storage tank malfunction that resulted in one ton of chocolate spilling onto the street. And the cool weather caused the chocolate to immediately solidify on the pavement, where it had to be removed by firefighters. People are calling this an industrial accident. I call it a Christmas Miracle. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’ve seen more organized groups of seagulls fighting over a potato chip (Why do you hate diversity?)

“Let’s compare the Republican leadership dysfunction to the Democratic leadership of Joe Biden in the White House, Chuck Schumer in the Senate and Hakeem Jeffries in the House. Say what you will about them, and there is plenty to criticize, but at least their status as leaders is stable. Meanwhile, the GOP has likely presidential candidate Donald Trump, whose top four suggested Uber destinations are courthouses, the Senate minority leader, Mitch McConnell, who can often be found buffering, and no speaker of the House. I would call House Republicans a clusterfuck, but a cluster implies some sense of unity. They’re more like a scatter-fuck. I’ve seen more organized groups of seagulls fighting over a potato chip.” —Seth Meyers

“In other Trump news, a federal judge issued a partial gag order in the case related to January 6, which prevents him from publicly targeting prosecutors, judge’s staff or possible witnesses. Aren’t we all possible witnesses? I don’t know about you, but I saw the whole thing happen. The gag order has not stopped Trump from blustering along the campaign trail. At a speech in Iowa, he claimed: ‘What they don’t understand is that I am willing to go to jail, if that’s what it takes for our country to win and become a democracy again.’ Oh yeah, we understand that. That actually is the plan: you go to jail, and the country becomes a democracy again.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

We already have a flavor named after you — it’s called vanilla (Who needs a cab when you can Uber a dolphin?)

“I’m a little upset. Why don’t I have his own Ben & Jerry’s flavor? Jimmy Fallon has (The Tonight Dough) and Stephen Colbert has (Stephen Colbert’s AmeriCone Dream.) But you can’t just ban Ben & Jerry’s because you don’t like their opinions. I mean, I still eat it, even though I’m annoyed they haven’t given us our own flavor yet. It would be called ‘A Closer Lick,’ and we’ve already mocked up what the container would look like. I sent it to them, and I’ve called their offices and left dozens of messages, and all that happened was one of their interns called me and said, ‘We already have a flavor named after you — it’s called vanilla.’” —Seth Meyers

“Probably due in part to the post-apocalyptic scenes of mass animal extinctions, deadly heat waves, flooded subway stations in New York City, smoke blanketing the sky and turning the sun blood-red, and rings of fire in the Gulf of Mexico, Americans now list climate change as their second-highest priority. But if you’re worried about it, good news! Fox News host Jesse Watters has a solution: just live with it. Earlier this week, Watters instructed his viewers: ‘If you want to stop climate change, you don’t fight climate change. If it’s getting warmer, you adapt to it.’ Yeah, just adapt to it! Who needs a cab when you can Uber a dolphin? Of course, the problem with Uber dolphins is they can’t take a hint when you don’t want to talk.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is great news for people who are hot, thirsty, and well into their second trimester (Yeah, I'm drunk)

The fast food chain Sonic has introduced a new flavor of its iced slushes. And apparently, they've run out of ideas because this new flavor is Pickle Juice. This is great news for people who are hot, thirsty, and well into their second trimester. --James Corden

This week SpaceX and Tesla founder Elon Musk personally handed out his latest and greatest new product to the first 1,000 customers who bought them online. And that product is… a flamethrower! This is something we were all crying out for. I mean, this is one way to get your neighbor to stop using a leaf blower at 7 a.m. To get around existing laws, Elon Musk is calling the product Not a Flamethrower. Which is a great idea. I'm excited to use one of these "not a flamethrowers" to "not rob a liquor store." --James Corden

According to a new report, Uber is developing a technology that would allow its app to determine if users are drunk. The new technology evaluates walking speed, whether the phone is swaying, and if you've made any typos. Now, look. Let's take the mystery out of this, Uber. It's 2:00 a.m., I'm standing outside a bar, and I typed in my destination as Taco Bell. Yeah, I'm drunk. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I think we’re getting pulled over by that building! (not while you’re doing 90 on the freeway)

“Last night, the Empire State Building lit up like a siren to honor the medical workers serving on the front line of the epidemic. This might be a good idea when they first pitched it, but as someone who lives in New York, it was terrifying. The Empire State Building, the giant light flashing around — and can you imagine if someone was high in their living room? They must have freaked out. ‘[Expletive], dude! I think we’re getting pulled over by that building!’” — Trevor Noah

“Donald Trump for the first time at least sounds like he’s afraid of this virus. And if he’s taking it seriously, then we should be really scared. Because I mean, this guy takes nothing seriously. This is the same dude who stared at an eclipse like it was a magic eye painting. The same dude who sang Hakuna Matata when he assassinated an Iranian general. The same dude who responded to a hurricane with a paper towel three-point contest. So this is a side of Donald Trump we don’t often get. I haven’t seen Trump this somber since Maury told him that he was Eric’s father.” —Trevor Noah

“And even if you don’t think the World Health Organization is perfect, in the middle of the pandemic — is not a good time to cut funding from a group that is an integral part of fighting coronavirus. Yes, the organization is not perfect, but this is not the time to cut them off. It’s the same reason you don’t give your Uber driver one star during the ride. You do that [expletive] after you are safe at home, not while you’re doing 90 on the freeway.” — Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

THAT’S how you Make America Great Again! (The real story here is that Mike Pence drives for Uber)

Burger King has merged a Whopper with a burrito to make a Whopperito. So take note, Donald Trump: THAT’S how you Make America Great Again! –Conan O’Brien

In New York City, an Uber driver kicked a lesbian couple out of his car after they kissed. The real story here is that Mike Pence drives for Uber. --Conan O’Brien

"Today, in a suburb of Detroit, Mitt Romney asked supporters to donate money to his campaign. Of course, the people then pointed out that they live in Detroit. And he's Mitt Romney." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Come on, doesn't some small part of you sort of want to see where this all goes? (Now get Bill Clinton and Prince Andrew)

Donald Trump announced his 2020 campaign slogan will be "Keep America great!" Well, there were a bunch of other slogans he almost went with instead. For example, Trump also considered "I'm with hair." He also thought about going with "I mean, it can't get worse than it already is." And finally he almost went with, "Come on, doesn't some small part of you sort of want to see where this all goes?" --Jimmy Fallon

Tonight was part one of "The Bachelor" finale. People weren't sure if Colton would go with Hannah or Tayshia or maybe try to win back Cassie. I've got my own theories, but after explaining them, my Uber driver was like, "Sir, we've been at your destination for 10 minutes. Please get out of the car!" --Jimmy Fallon

Some more news here. I saw that Kia just debuted a new electric car that has a dashboard with 21 screens. 21 screens. They even have a name for it: the Accidente. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In other words, it just passed its Los Angeles driving test (Borg cancels invasion)

In California, an experimental self-driving Uber car drove through six red lights. In other words, it just passed its Los Angeles driving test. –Conan O’Brien

In the U.K., a group of scientists successfully taught bumblebees how to play soccer. And now, they’re trying to get American bumblebees to watch it. –Conan O’Brien

Disney announced that it’s featuring its first openly gay character in the upcoming live-action film “Beauty and the Beast.” Which explains why they’re changing the title of the movie to “Beauty and Her Longtime Roommate Janine.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Finally, a way for immigrants to become citizens without having to marry Donald Trump (We get it! Winter is Coming!)

Windchill temperatures are expected to reach minus 50 in Chicago and minus 60 in Minneapolis. I’m going to say it. The viral marketing for Game of Thrones has gone too far! We get it! Winter is Coming! --Stephen Colbert

For the first time ever, Trump indicated that he is open to a path to citizenship for Dreamers. Finally, a way for immigrants to become citizens without having to marry Donald Trump. --Stephen Colbert

The union for air traffic controllers is worried because their members are not getting enough sleep. Due to the shutdown, unpaid air traffic controllers are waiting tables and driving for Uber in the time left over from their 10 hour shifts. That’s dangerous! You don’t want burnt out air traffic controllers waiting tables. You could end up with onion rings instead of fries. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And if someone mentions that at the office holiday party, do not split an Uber home (hanging in the bathroom at Mar-a-Lago)

December 2022

“Donald Trump's unfavorable rating has surged to 67%. To give you an idea of how bad that is, Kanye is only at 66.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Dahmer just became the third show on Netflix to hit 1 billion hours viewed in 60 days. Wow! And if someone mentions that at the office holiday party, do not split an Uber home.” —Jimmy Fallon

“But I just saw that the police just warned tourists to be on the lookout for pickpockets. And to everyone in the audience who just checked your pockets, it's too late now. You can never be too safe. That's why this time of year, instead of a wallet, I keep all my money in crypto.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Tomorrow is the Georgia Senate runoff between Herschel Walker and Senator Raphael Warnock. Warnock's supporters said that they're voting for him because of his policies, while Walker's supporters say they're voting for him because it's funny. More than 1.8 million Georgia residents have already voted, and that's just Herschel Walker's children.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Over the weekend, former President Trump called for the 2020 election to be overturned by terminating the Constitution. And Trump can actually do it because he has the real Constitution hanging in the bathroom at Mar-a-Lago.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”