National Beer Day (I'll drink to that)

So yesterday is National Beer Day, which means today is how do I get Lizzo out of my bed day. —Greg Gutfeld

The Supreme Court has cleared the way for Venezuelan deportations to resume. Now how will The Squad get laid? —Greg Gutfeld

Meanwhile JD Vance hosted his mom at the White House to celebrate her 10 years of sobriety. "I'll drink to that," said Kamala Harris. —Greg Gutfeld

Donald Trump met with the world champion Los Angeles Dodgers at the White House where Trump used the opportunity to deport Shohei Ohtani. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That unborn child is Luke Skywalker (the last voyage of the Space Shuttle)

"I'm upset that friend of the show Mike Huckabee criticized Natalie Portman for having a child out of wedlock. But this is Natalie Portman we're talking about. That unborn child is Luke Skywalker." –Conan O'Brien

"This is the last voyage of the Space Shuttle, and President Obama called them in space today: 'You're not going to believe what's happening with Charlie Sheen down here.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to 'The Terminator.' In this one he travels back in time and kills the person who suggested he run for Governor." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

it's real simple alarm - it consists of a sticker (Just start spelling it then quit)

I was home last week and I heard I heard a gunshot outside of my apartment. Then I saw two guys run by my window so I was gonna call the police, but then I got optimistic. I said, hey maybe it’s just a race. Yeah, that’s what it is. There's a lot of late night track and field events by my house. —Mitch Hedberg

I live in a studio apartment.  I got a sliding glass door that has a sticker on it that says, Warning Alarm System. it's real simple alarm - it consists of a sticker. —Mitch Hedberg

When I was eighteen my friend Tim and I, we packed up his Volare and we moved from Minnesota to Florida. We wanted to move to Texas but the front end of his car was out of alignment. --Mitch Hedberg

I had a roommate named Eddie who was kind of slow. I asked him one day how to abbreviate Arkansas, Eddie said, “I don’t know. Just start spelling it then quit.” --Mitch Hedberg

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Mayday! We have a problem. (No corporate donors)

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I’m going to use it. --Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen. --Steven Wright

I was folding my bed back into coach. I almost broke both my arms cause it’s not one of those kinds of beds. --Steven Wright.

Hermits have no peer pressure. --Steven Wright

A wicker chair it's my favorite chair. Because I stole it. I was at a crowded party and when no one was looking I went over to it and I unraveled it. --Steven Wright

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Young Turks: Rashida Tlaib Makes POWERFUL Plea To Israel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

In 70 years, the U.K. has gone from Winston Churchill to a roadie for Spinal Tap (You’ll never take me alive!)

“Pro-Brexit politician Boris Johnson was officially elected today to become the U.K.’s next prime minister. Great. In 70 years, the U.K. has gone from Winston Churchill to a roadie for Spinal Tap.” --Seth Meyers

“What were you expecting from his testimony? Did you think Mueller was going to smash through the wall in a monster truck called the DeTrumpulator?” --Seth Meyers

Some Democrats were happy to hear Mueller suggest that President Trump could be charged with obstruction of justice after he leaves office. “You know when Trump heard that, he started pushing the sofa in front of the door. [Imitating Trump] ‘You’ll never take me alive!’” --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They even changed the name of the local Hooters to Torsos (How the hell can we stop them?)

Merriam-Webster dictionary tweeted that the "most searched for" words following President Trump's campaign rally last night were "racism," "fascism," and "xenophobia." While at the rally, that was the calendar of events. --Seth Meyers

The House of Representatives voted today on a bill that would raise the federal minimum wage to $15 an hour. Said Trump, "That's too high. I mean, who works for a whole hour? I mean, maybe if you broke it up over the course of the day." --Seth Meyers

A Long Island man recovered his missing 9-foot-long anaconda this week after finding it in the dashboard of his van. But you should still always say no if a stranger ever asks you to get in his van to help him find his snake. --Seth Meyers

Berkeley, California, voted last night to rename gendered terms like "manhole" to neutral terms like "maintenance hole." They even changed the name of the local Hooters to Torsos. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”