And I think you know that a guy really cares when he tweets from his yacht (Martha Stewart's personal lemon zester)

"People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony

Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. In his

defense, Tony twittered that the oil spill was still his top

priority. And I think you know that a guy really cares when

he tweets from his yacht." –David Letterman

"You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and Kim Jong Un had him executed. I remember the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart's personal lemon zester." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that, too. And make me clean it up (The loser keeps Hasselhoff)

"The CEO of BP Tony Hayward didn't take any questions after his White House meeting today. Probably a good thing. He's great at destroying ecosystems, but not so great at talking. Hayward has said: 'No one wants this thing over more than I do. I'd like my life back.' Tony, I'm so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that, too. And make me clean it up." –Craig Ferguson

Huge white flags were placed on top of the Brooklyn Bridge. And late this afternoon, word came from the FBI that the New York Mets have surrendered.—Craig Ferguson

"The U.S. is scheduled to play Germany soon at the World Cup. President Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel already have a bet going. The loser keeps Hasselhoff." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He arrived in a Hummer limo powered by baby seals (Our governments are very much the same)

"NASA says that there may be 100 times more water on the moon than they thought. There's so much water that BP is planning to go there and ruin it." –Craig Ferguson

"The Murdochs testified before parliament and did something that not many powerful people would have the courage to do: They blamed others." –Craig Ferguson

"Barack Obama's not the only one on the hot seat right now. The CEO of BP is taking a lot of flak. His name is Tony Hayward. Today, President Obama had a meeting with Hayward at the White House. It got off to the wrong start. Hayward arrived in a Hummer limo powered by baby seals." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

And I think you know that a guy really cares when he tweets from his yacht (Happy harmonica)

"Guess who's running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What language did his brother speak? What was that? " –David Letterman

"I feel like Bush presidencies are like 'Godfather' films. You should stop at two." –David Letterman

"People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. In his defense, Tony twittered that the oil spill was still his top priority. And I think you know that a guy really cares when he tweets from his yacht." –David Letterman

"Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, earlier tonight, down in Washington, the annual White House Hanukkah party. I think it probably went better than it did last year. Do you remember last year, how embarrassing it was, George Bush hosting the annual White House Hanukkah party? And he greets everybody as they come in and he says, 'Happy harmonica.'" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This sounds like Bill Clinton's worst nightmare, doesn't it? (If life was fair)

"The first Olympic Games were held in 776 BC. Do you know who lit the flame? Betty White." –Jay Leno

"How about the (Super Bowl) commercials? There's some good ones. How about the one, mytalkingstain.com? A stain that can talk. This sounds like Bill Clinton's worst nightmare, doesn't it?" --Jay Leno

“Whiny Tony Hayward -- you know the cry-baby BP CEO guy -- he says life’s not fair and that sometimes you step off a curb and you get hit by a bus. You know, if life was fair, that bus would have been driven by an unemployed Louisiana shrimp boat operator.” -Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, good. Because our number one concern here is, how are you guys doing? (Luckily for us, now he wants to be in charge of people)

A new Election Commission report just came out saying that the Trump campaign isn't doing so well financially, and is practically broke. It's not good — in fact today, Trump stole a bunch of towels from his own hotel. –Jimmy Fallon

"On the Republican side, today former Texas Governor Rick Perry announced he is running for president. While growing up he wanted to be a veterinarian, but his grades weren't good enough. Luckily for us, now he wants to be in charge of people." –Jimmy Fallon

"On the Today Show this morning, BP executive Bob Dudley said that CEO Tony Hayward is committed to BP, and BP is committed to Tony Hayward. Oh, good. Because our number one concern here is, how are you guys doing?" –Jimmy Fallon

Since a judge approved AT&T's merger with Time Warner, experts say it could open up the door for other big companies to merge. We took a look at some companies we'd like to see merge, just because of what they could rename themselves. I'll show you what I mean. For example, if Saks Fifth Avenue and Citigroup merged, they'd be "Saks and the Citi." If Myspace and eBay merged, they'd be "my bae." If Chili's and Netflix merged, they'd be "Netflix and Chili's." And finally, if Bonobos and Dunkin' Donuts merged, they'd be "Bo-Dunk-a-Dunk." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And I think you know that a guy really cares when he tweets from his yacht (Memory Refreshed)

"People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. In his defense, Tony twittered that the oil spill was still his top priority. And I think you know that a guy really cares when he tweets from his yacht." –David Letterman

"Now, in Obama's defense, the president has always had his own particular way of relaxing. For example, George W. Bush had his way of relaxing. He was president. That's how he relaxed." –David Letterman

They had a fundraising softball game at Yankee Stadium over the weekend, and do you know who played? New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. He had a great day at the plate. I'm talking about lunch.—David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that, too. And make me clean it up (zero-gravity pillow fight)

"Barack Obama is not the only one on the hot seat right now. The CEO of BP is taking a lot of flak. His name is Tony Hayward. Today, President Obama had a meeting with Hayward at the White House. It got off to the wrong start. Hayward arrived in a Hummer limo powered by baby seals." –Craig Ferguson

"This is the first time that two women have been on the International Space Station at the same time. That can only mean one thing: zero-gravity pillow fight." –Craig Ferguson

"NASA says that there may be 100 times more water on the moon than they thought. There's so much water that BP is planning to go there and ruin it." –Craig Ferguson

"Head of BP Tony Hayward didn't take any questions after his White House meeting today. Probably a good thing. He's great at destroying ecosystems, but not so great at talking. Hayward has said: 'No one wants this thing over more than I do. I'd like my life back.' Tony, I'm so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that, too. And make me clean it up." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

if life was fair, that bus would have been driven by an unemployed Louisiana shrimp boat operator (Make your toilet great again!)

"Because of Arizona's new law, a lot of immigrants have fled the state and returned to their homeland, Los Angeles." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said he had a good time on 'The View,' and that the ladies on the show talk a lot less than Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

“Whiny Tony Hayward -- you know the cry-baby BP CEO guy -- he says life’s not fair and that sometimes you step off a curb and you get hit by a bus. You know, if life was fair, that bus would have been driven by an unemployed Louisiana shrimp boat operator.” -Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Joy asked about the war, and Elizabeth asked for his birth certificate (Paul the Octopus)

"BP CEO Tony Hayward complained that he was unfairly 'demonized' in the U.S. over his handling of the Gulf oil spill. In response, demons complained that they were unfairly compared to BP CEO Tony Hayward." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama was in New York today to tape his appearance on 'The View.' Whoopi asked him about the economy, Joy asked about the war, and Elizabeth asked for his birth certificate." –Jimmy Fallon

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that Paul the Octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay in the western world. Which is exactly what Paul the Octopus predicted he would say." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Elmhurst, Illinois is going to outlaw eye-rolling (then it goes right back to Jay Leno's garage)

"Elmhurst, Illinois is going to outlaw eye-rolling. So what happens if John McCain shows up and says he still thinks he made the right choice with Sarah Palin?" –David Letterman

"BP CEO Tony Hayward is being sent to a project in Siberia. He wants to go to a part of the planet that hasn't been ruined yet." –David Letterman

"King Tut's chariot is in New York City for two weeks, then it goes right back to Jay Leno's garage." –David Letterman

"King Tut used the chariot on his first date with Barbara Walters." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Which proved that the pen is mightier than the light saber (It's like waiting for the next Harry Potter)

"The founder of WikiLeaks just released 91,000 classified documents about the war in Afghanistan, and he said he plans to post thousands more. I just wish he'd hurry, because I breezed through those first 91,000. It's like waiting for the next Harry Potter." –Jimmy Fallon

"BP will replace Tony Hayward as CEO. He plans to spend more time at home spilling every liquid in his kitchen cabinet." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Violence struck at Comic-Con when an argument between two men resulted in one being arrested for stabbing the other with a pen. Which proved that the pen is mightier than the light saber." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There were 80,000 guys dressed as superheroes and no one stepped in to save him." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Boy, that'll teach him (but of course, the news leaked)

"The White House is very upset about a bunch of secret documents about the Afghanistan war that were leaked online. Out of habit, BP apologized." –David Letterman

"BP is firing its CEO, Tony Hayward. They're negotiating a settlement for $18 million. Boy, that'll teach him." –David Letterman

"Tony Hayward is stepping down as CEO of BP. They weren't supposed to make the announcement yet, but of course, the news leaked." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

she's hoping that the effects will eventually wear off (Where are the Somali pirates when you need them?)

"Well, folks, Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she's hoping that the effects will eventually wear off." –Jay Leno

"And economists predict by this time next year, China will overtake the United States as the No. 1 country in manufacturing. But you know something, we have only ourselves to blame for this. I mean, what were we thinking — making our kids go to school? What idiots we are! Child labor, that's the key!" –Jay Leno

"Tony Hayward on a yacht. Where are the Somali pirates when you need them?" –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Then he realized he was reading notes left on the stand by a Goldman Sachs executive (our number one concern here is, how are you guys doing?)

"While testifying before Congress yesterday, BP CEO Tony Hayward called the oil spill a 'complex accident caused by an unprecedented combination of failures.' Then he realized he was reading notes left on the stand by a Goldman Sachs executive." –Jimmy Fallon

"Larry King's oil spill telethon last night raised $1.8 million. Usually, to get that much money from Larry King, you have to divorce him." –Jimmy Fallon

"In 2011, China will end America's 110-year run as the No. 1 manufacturing country in the world. That gives me a great idea. We should start making the one thing we know the world will always need — made in China labels." –Jimmy Fallon

"On the 'Today' show this morning, BP executive Bob Dudley said that CEO Tony Hayward is committed to BP, and BP is committed to Tony Hayward. Oh, good. Because our number one concern here is, how are you guys doing?" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that, too (powered by baby seals)

“Barack Obama's not the only one on the hot seat right now. The CEO of BP is taking a lot of flak. His name is Tony Hayward. Today, President Obama had a meeting with Hayward at the White House. It got off to the wrong start. Hayward arrived in a Hummer limo powered by baby seals." –Craig Ferguson

“Tony Hayward didn't take any questions after his White House meeting today. Probably a good thing. He's great at destroying ecosystems, but not so great at talking. Hayward has said: 'No one wants this thing over more than I do. I'd like my life back.' Tony, I'm so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that, too. And make me clean it up." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I'm glad somebody's looking out for the little guy (a guy really cares when he tweets from his yacht)

"And then, right after the president's speech, Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, said that we should not demonize the oil companies. Well, I'm glad somebody's looking out for the little guy." –David Letterman

"There are rumors that the CEO of BP is saying they might go out of business. Then who will be in charge of not stopping the leak?" –David Letterman

"People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. In his defense, Tony twittered that the oil spill was still his top priority. And I think you know that a guy really cares when he tweets from his yacht." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It's got to be hard to bite the hand that bribes you (they've never seen anybody who could lie better than they can)

"Well, during the testimony, the president of BP said the underwater cleanup is pretty effective. And when he was done, Congress gave him a standing ovation. Well, sure, they've never seen anybody who could lie better than they can." –Jay Leno

"Well, today, President Obama met with that Tony Hayward guy and a couple of other BP executives. The meeting only lasted about 20 minutes, or, in BP terms, 10,000 barrels of oil." –Jay Leno

"A republican congressman actually apologized to BP's CEO for the way the company has been treated. How stupid are you when the CEO of BP is in the room and people think you're the moron?" –Jay Leno

"To be fair, it's not easy for a lot of these congressmen. It's got to be hard to bite the hand that bribes you." –Jay Leno

"Oh, and the heads of the five families — we call them 'oil companies' — testified before Congress today. It was billed as 'the tarballs versus the slimeballs.'" –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Even worse, 75% think President Wilson was a volleyball (he tweeted it off his electric razor)

"Senator John McCain actually tweeted to Snooki from 'Jersey Shore,' an MTV program, after she complained about the tanning bed tax in the new health care law. But, unfortunately, Snooki never got the message because McCain tweeted it off his electric razor." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today, President Obama finally met with BP's CEO, Tony Hayward, but the meeting was only scheduled 20 minutes. Call me crazy, but I think it should take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get your oil checked." –Jimmy Fallon

A new poll found that 12% of Americans think Dwight D. Eisenhower commanded troops in the Civil War. Even worse, 75% think President Wilson was a volleyball. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the company could not survive in a market where everybody in the country is on the no-fly list (he'll be on wife No. 7)

"This Tony Haywire guy, whatever his name is, he told the BBC on Sunday that he believes the new oil cap that they've installed will eventually capture the vast majority of oil spewing from the well. You know, if they could capture half the BS spewing from Tony Hayward, people would be thrilled." –Jay Leno

"BP CEO Tony Hayward said he would just like to get his life back. He wants to get his life back. You know, I say give him life plus 20." –Jay Leno

"The only commercial airline in Iraq, Iraqi Airways, folded this week. The CEO of Iraqi Airlines said the company could not survive in a market where everybody in the country is on the no-fly list." –Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh got married for the fourth time on Saturday. He's 59; she's 33. So, I'm doing the math. That means when she's 40, he'll be on wife No. 7." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”