Unfortunately, the study was conducted on the F train (What's your secret?)

A new study has found that 8 percent of Americans sleep naked. Unfortunately, the study was conducted on the F train. –Seth Meyers

A team of scientists recently completed an experiment studying the effects of the drug MDMA on octopuses. Which is part of a bigger experiment of what happens when you give scientists LSD. --Seth Meyers

The last polls before Scott Walker dropped out of the presidential race found the Wisconsin governor was polling at one half of 1 percent. Bobby Jindal said, “What's your secret?” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Holy Sh*t. Would not recommend (strategic bladder reserves)

“Meanwhile, reporter Jeremy Diamond from CNN pushed back on

Trump’s self-praise in said conference, asking if it’s really the time

to praise his own administration when 22 million Americans are

out of work and more than 40,000 have died from the virus.

Trump denied praising himself, the logic of which was summarized

(as Trump): ‘Look, there’s never been a president who makes it less

about me than me. Honestly, I don’t get enough credit for making

this not about me. I should get a medal that says Most About Not

Me’.” —Stephen Colbert

First of all, I’d like to send out a hearty “Don’t let the door hit ya” too soon-to-be former Wisconsin governor Scott Walker, who lost last night to democrat Tony Evers. It is the most celebrated defeat of a White Walker since Game of Thrones. The loss was hard on Scott Walker. Hopefully he consoled himself with his brother, Johnny. --Stephen Colbert

"The MTA reported that Hurricane Sandy flooded seven subway tunnels under the East River, which means it could be weeks before they're able to restore the scent of urine. That's why I'm calling on New York drunks to head into the subway and release their strategic bladder reserves." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The electoral college is a disaster for democracy (a socialist anti-business environment that's worse than being dead)

"They say that Japan's rigorous building codes and regulations saved thousands of lives. Or as Republicans here saw it, it fostered a socialist anti-business environment that's worse than being dead." –Bill Maher

"It turns out that the Republican budget that they submitted for next year slashes funding for the agency that issues tsunami warnings and organizes responses to the tsunami. In their defense, Republicans say that tsunamis are just a theory, they are not a real threat like ACORN, the Black Panthers, NPR, and math teachers in Wisconsin." –Bill Maher

"Gov. Scott Walker is the new conservative hero. He could get the nomination for the Republican Party in 2012 because he has that special quality that every member of the Republican base can relate to — he's a huge a**hole." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It's almost as if it works or something (growing up in Kenya)

"A man in New Orleans wrote a new musical about Hurricane Katrina. It's so cool that FEMA says it plans on going to see it a week after it closes." –Jimmy Fallon

"Charlie Sheen said that he's now more popular than President Obama, at which point Mike Huckabee accused him of growing up in Kenya." –Jay Leno

"Gov. Scott Walker's dispute with Wisconsin's labor unions is making him unpopular with his constituents, who feel like he's attacking his own people. That's not good, because the only other guy doing that right now is Moammar Gadhafi." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

it fostered a socialist anti-business environment that's worse than being dead (he's a huge a**hole)

"They say that Japan's rigorous building codes and regulations saved thousands of lives. Or as Republicans here saw it, it fostered a socialist anti-business environment that's worse than being dead." –Bill Maher

"It turns out that the Republican budget that they submitted for next year slashes funding for the agency that issues tsunami warnings and organizes responses to the tsunami. In their defense, Republicans say that tsunamis are just a theory, they are not a real threat like ACORN, the Black Panthers, NPR, and math teachers in Wisconsin." –Bill Maher

"Gov. Scott Walker is the new conservative hero. He could get the nomination for the Republican Party in 2012 because he has that special quality that every member of the Republican base can relate to — he's a huge a**hole." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It is the most celebrated defeat of a White Walker since Game of Thrones (Or as the GOP calls them, “A Caravan!")

First of all, I’d like to send out a hearty “Don’t let the door hit ya” too soon-to-be former Wisconsin governor Scott Walker, who lost last night to democrat Tony Evers. It is the most celebrated defeat of a White Walker since Game of Thrones. The loss was hard on Scott Walker. Hopefully he consoled himself with his brother, Johnny. --Stephen Colbert

It was also a banner election for diversity. First of all, at least 110 women won last night. Meaning a record number of women will be serving in congress. Rashida Talib of Michigan and Ilhan Omar of Minnesota became the first Muslim women in congress. That’s right, two Muslim women. Or as the GOP calls them, “A Caravan!” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

What kind of sicko would sexualize In-N-Out?

Tonight, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders debated in Brooklyn. And they’ll follow that up tomorrow with a rap battle in the Bronx. --Conan O’Brien

When asked about his potential running mates, Donald Trump said he would consider Marco Rubio, Scott Walker, and John Kasich. Or as Trump calls them, "Shrimpy, Stupidface, and Loser." --Conan O’Brien

A man has been sentenced to five years in jail for trying to smuggle 51 turtles in his pants. The man has already told his cellmate, "There’s nothing you can do to me that 51 turtles haven’t." --Conan O’Brien

Russian President Vladimir Putin appeared on a call-in show for Russian television and he actually took questions. The most common question Putin got was, "Will I ever see my family again?" --Conan O’Brien

The hamburger chain In-N-Out is upset because a bikini-clad woman made a video of herself handling their meat in a suggestive way. The CEO said, "What kind of sicko would sexualize In-N-Out?" --Conan O’Brien

What's your secret?

The last polls before Scott Walker dropped out of the presidential race found the Wisconsin governor was polling at one half of 1 percent. Bobby Jindal said, “What's your secret?” –Seth Meyers

According to a new study, there have been more deaths this year from selfie-related incidents than there have been from shark attacks. Good. –Seth Meyers

A pair of Ohio teens were caught this weekend using a beer bong to drink full two-liter bottles of Mountain Dew. It's a rare case where the punishment is the crime. –Seth Meyers

I only have 200 shows a year

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has become the second GOP presidential hopeful to drop out of the 2016 race. He says he looks forward to his new job as the picture in the dictionary next to the word “duh.” –Seth Meyers

Tonight, I'll be tangling with Texas senator Ted Cruz. He is the third presidential candidate I've had on the show. I want to interview all of them, but I only have 200 shows a year. –Stephen Colbert

I probably won't make it out of Philly

The Pope is coming to the United States and visiting New York, Washington, D.C., and Philadelphia, but not Los Angeles. The Pope said, "Let's be honest. I probably won't make it out of Philly." –Conan O’Brien

In politics, an expert is saying that Donald Trump's handwriting reveals he is prone to anger and fear. After hearing about it, Trump was furious and then he got scared. –Conan O’Brien

Scott Walker, the presidential candidate who is famous for riding a Harley, is dropping out of the race. Walker made the decision when he realized that all of his supporters could fit on his Harley. –Conan O’Brien

We surrender!

Yesterday, UFC fighter Ronda Rousey accepted a Marine's invitation to the Marine Corps ball in December. When they heard Ronda Rousey was teaming up with the Marines, ISIS was like, "We surrender!" –Jimmy Fallon

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker says that he thinks only 12 states will decide the presidential election. And if Trump wins, those 12 states will include shock, confusion, outrage, despair, denial, anger, bargaining and finally acceptance. –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump's new slogan: “Mexico. Money. Crazy.”

Today Scott Walker announced that he is running for president, making him the 15th Republican candidate to enter the race. Which I think means we get the 16th one for free. I’ve got a punch card. –Jimmy Fallon

Scott Walker’s campaign slogan is “Reform. Growth. Safety.” Which is actually similar to Donald Trump's new slogan: “Mexico. Money. Crazy.” –Jimmy Fallon

Sheldon Adelson had a little party in Vegas this weekend

"Obamacare hit its numbers. Despite all the initial problems, Healthcare.gov surpassed the enrollment goal, over 7 million. Now the Republicans are saying that they're going to repeal the Internet." –Bill Maher



"Billionaire Sheldon Adelson had a little party in Vegas this weekend to audition Republican presidential candidates, and they all came to kiss his ass: Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, John Kasich. Chris Christie came, and while he was in Vegas he went over to the New York, New York hotel and shut down traffic on the miniature Brooklyn Bridge." –Bill Maher



"50 years ago, America's biggest employer was General Motors, where workers made the modern equivalent of $50 dollars an hour. Today, America's biggest employer is Walmart, where the average wage is $8 dollars an hour. And Walmart released their annual report this month, and in it was the fact that most of what Walmart sells is food. And most of their customers need food stamps to pay for it. Meanwhile, Walmart's owners are so absurdly rich that one of them, Alice Walton, spent over a billion dollars building an art museum in Bentonville, Arkansas, 500 miles away from the nearest person who ever would want to look at art. And she said about it, 'For years I've been thinking about what we can do as a family that can really make a difference.' How about giving your employees a raise, you deluded nitwit?" –Bill Maher

Dude, have you seen Greg?

"A hydroponic marijuana store is being opened in California and is being called 'The Wal-Mart of Weed.' It's like a regular Wal-Mart except the greeter says, "Dude, have you seen Greg?" –Conan O'Brien



"A man in New Orleans wrote a new musical about Hurricane Katrina. It's so cool that FEMA says it plans on going to see it a week after it closes." –Jimmy Fallon




"Gov. Scott Walker's dispute with Wisconsin's labor unions is making him unpopular with his constituents, who feel like he's attacking his own people. That's not good, because the only other guy doing that right now is Moammar Gadhafi." –Jay Leno