I've got some stuff that can help you with that (So much for that celibate lifestyle!)

February 2013

"Pope Benedict said he was stepping down at age 85 because he could no longer handle the job physically. To which Lance Armstrong said, 'I've got some stuff that can help you with that.'" –Jay Leno

"Reportedly, President Obama's speech will focus on jobs. Hopefully he'll explain to us why anybody in Congress still has one." –Jay Leno

"The Pope said that at age 85 he cannot physically go on. Meanwhile, Hugh Hefner is going to be 87 and he just married a 26-year-old. So much for that celibate lifestyle!" –Jay Leno 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which explains why, during his last two races, he didn't even need a bike (thirty hissing possums in a barn)

January 2013

"It was reported that President Obama's 2013 Inauguration Committee is receiving fewer donations than it did in 2009. The scaled-back event will feature fewer inaugural balls, a shorter parade, and a musical performance from the Black Eyed Pea." –Seth Meyers

"Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant on Wednesday asked state legislatures to declare President Obama's new gun control proposals 'illegal,' though I'm not sure if the Mississippi state legislature has that kind of power since it's just thirty hissing possums in a barn." –Seth Meyers

"Ann Romney has reportedly declined an offer to appear on this season's Dancing With The Stars. She's probably not a good fit for the show anyway, because I've heard of her." –Seth Meyers

"During an interview with Oprah Winfrey Thursday, Lance Armstrong admitted to using banned drugs and blood transfusions to get his seven Tour De France victories. Which explains why, during his last two races, he didn't even need a bike." –Seth Meyers

"Firearms groups across the country have declared today the first annual Gun Appreciation Day. So don't forget to set your clock back 100 years." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

you might want to take a peek at the guys with gold and silver (the lowest of human passions)

November 2012

"The International Olympic Committee is investigating Lance Armstrong for the bronze medal he won at the 2000 Olympics. A little tip for the IOC: If Lance was on steroids and he came in third, you might want to take a peek at the guys with gold and silver." –Conan O’Brien

"Today Rush Limbaugh joked about President Obama and Chris Christie being gay lovers. Obama and Christie are furious, and said they'd give a formal response as soon as they get back from the Caribbean." –Conan O'Brien

"The East Coast is still dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. Because of congestion, Mayor Bloomberg is only allowing cars with at least three passengers to drive into Manhattan. You can’t cross the bridge with a bunch of empty seats – which was really confusing for Clint Eastwood." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today is the first day of November, which means the election will soon be over. And then we can finally get started on the recount." –Jimmy Fallon 

"A 108-year-old woman in South Carolina just voted for the first time. She voted for Eisenhower — but still, good for her." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he hired extra housekeepers just to launder his money (I ain't draft dodging)

October 2012

"Did you see the debate last night? It was the same stuff, but here's what was different. In the first debate they were at podiums. The second debate, it was stools. Last night, chairs and desks. The next debate – yoga mats." –David Letterman

"After the debate last night, experts agreed that President Obama won on substance and I thought: Well, big deal, Lance Armstrong won on several substances." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney is so rich he hired extra housekeepers just to launder his money." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, 'a Monday.' (everyone else is too scared to compete next to him)

July 2012

"The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney is getting a lot of attention for a series of gaffes he's made while he's in London. And in response, Romney said that he has nothing but respect for the people of England, especially their monarch, Queen Latifah." –Jimmy Fallon

"The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else is too scared to compete next to him." –Jimmy Fallon

"Officials at the London Olympics will be conducting 5,000 tests for steroids. Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, 'a Monday.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Next week, President Obama will celebrate his 51st birthday. Obama already got one really nice gift: Mitt Romney’s trip to London." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's now a gated community (So ladies, he's available!)

June 2012

"Happy Flag Day. Flag Day is the day in which we honor the symbol of our nation and the 8-year-old Chinese kids who make them for us for a nickel apiece." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Republican Senator John McCain and Democrat Harry Reid have called for the federal government to step in and help regulate the sport of boxing. Is that a good idea – something so corrupt and unethical attempting to regulate something so corrupt and unethical?" –Jay Leno

"Guantanamo Bay is getting millions and millions of dollars of upgrades and renovations. In fact, they're not even calling it a detention camp anymore. It's now a gated community." –Jay Leno

"Federal prosecutors also announced they are dropping all charges against John Edwards. So ladies, he's available!" –Jay Leno

"Charges against John Edwards have been dropped; charges against Lance Armstrong have been reinstated. So let's clarify – it's okay to cheat on your wife and use millions of dollars in campaign funds to cover it up, but God help you if you're an American who wins a bicycle race in France. You are screwed." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, "a Monday"

"The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else is too scared to compete next to him." –Jimmy Fallon



"Officials at the London Olympics will be conducting 5,000 tests for steroids. Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, 'a Monday.'" –Jimmy Fallon



John Hulse painting